What I lacked last time.

Last week was rough.  I'm not saying my week was horrible, it was just trying.

I have a few things on my plate, and I feel as though my intentions are being tested.  You know they say the best of intentions are good.. some say good intentions are better than no intentions.  But I'm going to have to disagree on that one.  Mostly because I'm in the middle of working out good intentions to be more than intentions, and with this experience I'm willing to bet that good intentions are pretty much the same as no intentions at all.  I feel like I've said intentions too many times... blecckk.  Sorry.  Anywho...

So here's my latest experience.

Over the last year God has definitely placed some new opportunities in my lap.  I've been given the opportunity to publish a book, and the opportunity to lead a group, and to pull together a quarterly newsletter, and to go to Africa, and to become debt free, and to give to missions, and to help out my neighbors.. those are just a few that I can think of off the top of my head.  There's a lot that God has placed in my path.  And with the new year and some new perspective I'm wondering why God even bothers with me sometimes.  I feel like such a hypocrite lately.  I say I will do something, then I don't do it, but I had the best intentions, so even if I don't do it that still counts. Right?  Well, maybe if I was five.

God's been teaching me about spiritual maturity.  Along the way I've seen things in my life that can show me when I've matured enough for God to bring new and bigger things into my life.  These latest opportunities would never have been placed in my life when I was a new christian.  In the same way as a baby isn't expected to walk and get a job because it's a baby, a new christian isn't expected to do major things.  Baby's need to learn and grow.  And so do new Christians.  Paul talks a lot on this subject. You'll find many scriptures in the New Testament. Try Hebrews (5:12) or 1 Peter (2:2), for example.

For me, I can say with most certainty, I am growing into my adult phase. How do I know?  Well, I've looked into the last few years of my walk with God and I can almost see the spiritual "growth".  When I was a new christian I started to learn about Christ's love for me.  I had years of learning to trust Him for all the needs in my life.  As my knowledge of Him grew, so did my walk.  I had baby experiences where all I needed was to learn scripture and get to know this God who loved me, toddler experiences where I got to learn how to stand on my own two feet, and experience this world He had placed me it, child experiences where I began to learn about all the things about God.  I almost felt like I was in the "School of God" as I began to study parts of the bible, especially loving anything about Genesis chapters 1-3, and almost consuming myself with the words of the Bible.  Then my rebellious experiences hit.  And I had that teenage "I know what I'm doing" attitude, which landed me in a bad relationship that almost took me out.  From that last experience I ended up in a place where I almost had to start all over, but instead I decided to go back and figure out where I went wrong, and work with God to fix it.  That experience became a book that I published last year called "Dating God. A true story of how I dated God."  Which, if I really think about it, is just a first in many future installments because I doubt I will ever be done "Dating God"

But back to where I am now, I feel like I'm at that point mentally and spiritually as I was right before I met "Ronald".  He's the guy that was used to take me off course.  And at that point I wasn't spiritually ready for what was next.  But this time, I've got some new lessons and wisdom under my belt.  Life has handed me some experiences that have changed me, and because of that this time I am able to see what I lacked last time.

At that point I was still naive.  I had no reason to believe my actions were wrong in the beginning of the story of Ronald and I.  We had an innocent enough beginning.  But things rapidly became very wrong when I became impatient.  I was unwilling to wait for God's timing, and because of that I suffered through a hard lesson.  God used this to teach me the importance of intentions, both good and bad, and the importance of timing.

Here you'll find me, years later, with that new lesson under my belt.  And new things popping up into my life that are evidence that God is asking more of me.  Last year when our church went on a missions trip I had no intentions of going, but as the pictures and stories poured in I had this pain in my heart, one that told me I needed to go.  Then other things started to present thyself (wink).  Things that exercise my talents God has given me.  And I found myself saying I would do these things.  My heart was in this place where I desired to do good things.  I had good intentions, but the desire to do good was not strong enough to turn good intentions into good actions, or good WORKS.  And unless intentions become actions they are useless.  Anything I said I would do was being second-guessed, and before I knew it I was finding reasons for not doing them.  It's a horrible thing to say you are going to do something, begin to show effort, then stop short.

Am I being too hard on myself?  Am I crazy? Is this even biblical?  I'm glad you asked!  Because yes, it is.  Check out James chapter 2.  Pretty much the whole chapter covers exactly what God is bringing me through at this moment.  "Faith without works is dead"

God has never shown Himself to me as a Father that takes care of my problems without me having to do anything about it, and I'm glad!  Imagine the kind of self-entitled, spoiled brat I'd be!  I'd do whatever I wanted and then let God clean up my mess?? HECK NO.  Since He's not new to being a Father, and He already knows my actions, intentions and motives you can bet He's got plans to make sure I help with the clean up.

I've had to face my intentions these last few weeks.  And God is helping me to become the girl to let her actions speak louder than her words.  I talk about that all the time.  I am the person that looks at someone's actions more than their words.  And when I know of someone who's always saying how much they love giving and helping, yet every time I see them they are doing neither and their life reflects the same, then you can bet I'm saying to myself "that person is a hypocrite".

And fortunately, God is looking into my life and fixing all the problems.  This is one thing that can't be fixed with a miracle, or God taking the reigns.  He's showing me this is work we have to do TOGETHER.  He's going to help me as I pull together all the things that need sorting and need attention.  We're going to work on more of the stuff that's been put into boxes on shelves in my heart and in my mind.  I have a bad habit of doing that by the way.  If I don't want to deal with something, but I don't want to have a mess everywhere, I'll find a box  and I fill it with all the things I'd rather face on another day. And God's saying, "No.  This box needs dealing with."

We've got some work to do, me and God.  I'm going to have to pull out all my stuffed boxes of my heart and start going through them.  This is not really something new.  I've been doing this over the last few years.  Every now and then God sees another box that's ready for sorting.  And not only does He see what needs sorting, He knows what goes where!  He can tell me what I need to do with everything involved! He's the God of the details!  And you can also bet that God is not some old dad, with old, outdated ideas that would never realistically help you work out what needs working out.. God is up for the challenge.  Whatever it is, nothing is too difficult for Him!  Imagine thinking something like, "I don't know God, this is a pretty big debt I'm facing." Or, "I have too many details I have to pull together in too little time!" Or how about, "I'm just too busy, there's not enough time in the day."  Yeah.  God's going to look at all the issues you are facing and say, "Well, it is true, she works all day, and has to pay all those bills.  I'm asking too much of her."  Pah! That's not God!  God owns everything, He created everything, do you really think details are going to change what He's asking of you??  The only thing that's preventing you from getting those good intentions to become good works is you.  Yeah.. I'm talking to me.  I am that person.  I usually sabotage myself, and end up regretting it. But this time I have something different.  I know what I lacked last time.  I lacked knowledge.  I lacked courage.  I lacked patience, endurance, wisdom, and strength.  I lacked the fruit of the spirit.  I wasn't walking in the Spirit.  What do I mean?...


"16 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. 17 The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. 18 But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.

19 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, 21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. 25 Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. 26 Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another." ~Galatians 5:16-26

This time I know these things.  This time I am aware of what God expects of me.  This time my intentions are for God's glory, and my edification.  This time my heart is safe in God's hands.  This time I intend on waiting. This time I have no desire to throw away what God has planned for me for "some guy".  This time I have more than what I lacked last time.  And because of that, I do believe I will be victorious this time.