This morning I was having a talk with God as I drove to work. The events of the last 24 hours were fresh in my mind. I had just dropped Ethan off at school, and our conversation was started by me thinking about how proud I am to be a daughter of the King. How corny does that sound? Well, I don't care. I mean it. I had such a good morning with Ethan, if you had seen us the day before this you wouldn't think we got along this well. And oddly enough, it got me thinking about my relationship with God.
First I should explain that my son has a new friend who lives next door. And they get along really well, which is great, but over Ethan's winter break I barely saw him. He slept over almost every day, and when he was home it was only to grab clothes. So after work on New Years Eve I asked him to come home and stay. The night wasn't anything special, Ethan fell asleep before the new year hit, I tried to wake him, but he's not the easiest person to wake. The next morning I had plans to pull my spending plan out and work on it to figure out what I had for the next two weeks to see if we could go out to lunch. After hours of updating and calculating I realized I had other more important expenses, so that was a no-go. In all the time I was working on my expenses I got to listen to my boy complain about being home. He wanted to go over his friends house. He was bored. Our apartment has nothing to do. So I did what any mother would do, I found things for him to do. ;-) The trash needed to be taken out, the dishes needed to be washed (it was his turn) and he needed to do a load of laundry. I'm so nice. (hehe) And I wasn't surprised when he got angry and started stomping through the house because, and I quote, "This is why I don't want to be here, you always make me do things when I'm home!" Oh, my boy. He is so very precious. But obviously this is a typical 12 year old reaction, so I didn't let it phase me. I knew where his shoes were, and when he realized they weren't out in the open he proceeded to bang doors and kick things. All this while lovingly bringing his frustrations out in colorful words and sentences. No swears, just accusations, and loads of "I'm not doing anything if I can't find my shoes". I calmly stated I knew where they were and if he wanted them he'd have to apologize and ask me nicely. I may as well have asked him to do something hideous, like clean up dog poop or wash vomit out of the carpet... the kid was not giving in.
For the next hour I had a battle to win. But I didn't want to be the only winner, I wanted Ethan to win too. You see, I have no battle with him. God's taught me that Ethan is becoming a young man, and we have to train him because he doesn't know how to become one on his own.
Ethan has a stubbornness that matches my own. My ability to wait is definitely something he can be capable of. But instead of trying to gain control of Ethan I chose to exercise my role as his mother. I have no desire to control him. Instead I want him to control himself, and make right decisions. So I gave him some direction. Either he helped out or he would lose privileges. We had a nice chat, and we discussed why him being aggravated with having to help was not really going to change the fact that he still had to help. I made sure I told him how much I loved him, and wanted him around, even if that meant for nothing more than to be present in the house. I liked knowing he was there. By the end of the hour things had cooled down. He was taking out the trash, and doing the dishes and even did his own laundry! I was so very proud of his choice. I made sure he knew it too!
This is how our battles usually go. The battle is not to defeat my boy, it's actually me on his side helping him defeat his negative behavior. We have a battle to win, together! I am for him! Not against him! I want him to prosper, to be strong, and courageous! To be victorious! And to have a good future! But... wait... suddenly I am back in my car and as I drive I'm thinking about my relationship with my son. My desires for him were for all those good things and the more I thought about it... I could feel God knocking on my heart.. "Do you see all those things you want for your son? Well that's what I want for you! That's how I feel about you! But SO MUCH MORE." As I felt this realization I lost my words. And could suddenly hear God loud and clear. He was on my team. We fight this battle TOGETHER. He wants the best for me.
When I was praying and talking about the only thing I really want from Ethan is for him to trust me and to believe me when I say I love him and have his best interests at heart I felt that mirror God places in my heart to show me that's just what He wants from me and for me.
God's not really in the business of shoving rules and regulations in my face. Instead I've found that He's spent more of His time showing His love for me in every way He can. Whether it be by provision, or discipline, or presence, or forgiveness, or mercy, or grace, or hope, or so many other ways He shows He loves me. He encourages me. He gives me amazing promises... some haven't been fulfilled yet, some are in progress, and some are reminders because God has done as He has promised. He gives me lessons, and always brings understanding. Never have I felt like God was trying to control me. I've only felt His guidance, and His desire for me to control myself. I control my behavior. I control my reactions. I control my words, my thoughts... through His guidance I am able to maintain discipline, and live out the fruit of the Spirit:
Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.
Mixed together all that has happened over the last 13 years and you'd see one amazing love story. I've learned the many names of God...
Father, Friend, Savior, Teacher, Brother, Protector, Provider, Healer
to just name a few.
Through Ethan God has shown me how He is building our relationship. Just as I am helping Ethan to grow and become a good man of God, God is helping me grow to become a good woman of God.
What a ride to work today. I felt like these last few weeks of vacation and holidays has caused me to neglect some God time, and when I had arrived at work I felt the absence of it. I hadn't paid too much attention to God these last few weeks. And again I remembered how I felt when Ethan wasn't there with me. Did God miss me? Did He want to hear me talk to Him again? Was He waiting patiently for me to remember He was there? Goodness, I always forget just how much He loves me. Just as I wanted Ethan around, He just wanted me to acknowledge Him, and spend some time with Him. What a relationship I have with God! I have this amazing Father who loves me so deeply that He wants me around always. He MISSES me when I'm gone! And when I say gone, I don't me away, I just mean that something else has my attention because we're never apart.
I am a daughter of the King. And you are a child of the King too. He loves His children so thoroughly and so deeply, there is no matching it. His love for us cannot be described.
His love for me leaves me speechless most of the time. And over the last 24 hours I remembered again just how much I mean to God. Which, I'm sure is only a small measure of what it really is. We never fully understand, and in time we find more and more every day of how deep His love goes.
My hope is that you, too, know just how much God loves you. And if not, then spend some time finding out, because He'll most definitely show you.
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