As I drove home today I was going over some thoughts in my heart with God. Thoughts of the things I don't have in my life. You know, like stuff. Flat screen tv's or blu ray players, or sweet cell phones, or any kind of cool gadgets. My life consists of basic cable, and a TV that's as old as my son, and about as big as him too. No flat-screens here.. I think if a robber ever broke in they'd laugh at my lack of stuff.. even my computer's laugh-worthy. But hey, they all work. So no complaints here. I was just stating that having that stuff would be cool, no doubt about it. I could've been that way you know. The girl that goes for the stuff.. maybe I'd be married with a couple of kids by now, and have some cool entertainment center.. be a soccer mom, or maybe one of those PTA moms, or even a mom who home-schools!
All this got brought on by a song I heard on Air1. It's a christian radio station, and the song played was called "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North. It wasn't too long ago when that was just where I was. I felt I was doing all I could to show I loved those who needed my love, and yet I wasn't being received that way. Instead I got a lot of rejection. And I was choosing to live my life the way I thought best, following as God led me, and instead of showing those in my life the blessings I was being given, I only saw what I didn't have. Again, I felt like I was "losing". No matter how hard I tried, every situation was filled with the reality of what I was giving up. And if anyone thinks choosing to live a life following Christ is easy, well obviously you have no idea what you're talking about. If this life was so easy more people would be living it. It's not easy at all. In fact, it's the hardest choice I have to make on a daily basis. Choosing to believe in Christ, and live my life according to His words and guidance is not the easy way. That would be why He said in is own words, "Narrow is the gate" Only a few choose it. More often than not, people choose the easy way. Don't get me wrong.. that is very tempting, even for me, so I understand. TRUST ME.
My discussion of my lacks suddenly became a realization of just how hard it is to commit your life to Christ. And suddenly I was thinking of why I gave that stuff up. I could have had those things, but I chose not to. Why? Because there's just something about Christ, that makes me stay. Ask anyone. I'm a flight risk. I don't stay in one place too long, I can't even have my furniture the same way for too long. I CRAVE change. But with God? He sustains me. I have no lack, and He's always giving more and more to me. His love never ends. His love for me never changes, yet it's never the same. I've never felt rejected, never felt like He's turned His back on me, and maybe I've had to wait on Him sometimes, but I've found that the time was always worth the wait. I am completely happy with God. Of course, my thinking this took less time to think than it did to explain.
I think about that stuff. Life without those things. Things seen as modern day "needs". A perfect family portrait, with shiny smiles, and even maybe have that dog I've always wanted. This Spring I will be making my first missions trip ever. A big deal for me, because I never saw myself as a missionary. But it's also a trip that will leave me parted from my son for longer than a night. The last time I was away from my son for more than a night I cried every night we were away from each other. And in thinking about this I started to cry again. My heart broke knowing I'd be without my son for longer than we've ever been apart. The anticipation of the good stuff is there. I know that this trip will change my life for the good. But it doesn't change the fact that in order to do this I have to leave Ethan behind. UGH. It's hard thinking about it.
My mission trip will not last forever. I will come home and be with my son again. Just as Jesus went back to join the Father. But Jesus's mission isn't over. He's coming back again. Thinking about Christ and all that happened so long ago, and all that is promised to happen can be a bit overwhelming. I think maybe that's why I got so emotional as I thought about it. Because not only am I feeling the pain of anticipatory separation, but I'm also seeing a mirror of God's hurt when He went through it. I wonder if He ever had sad days thinking about what was to come? I know Jesus says things such as, "If you are willing take this cup, yet not my will, but Yours be done." Thinking about the separation, thinking about the pain.. was hard to bare. So God knows my pain. He knows my sorrow as to feeling apart from my son. And I know because of this that God also knows how to console me. How to give me peace, and to help me stay strong, encouraged, and brave enough to go, even if I'm having early separation anxiety.
Ah.. the wonders of a mother's love. So I may worry whether my son will struggle with whomever is caring for him. I may worry about whether he's being treated fairly, or being taken care of the way I would care for him. But, you know what? God isn't just with me. He's with Ethan too. So all these thoughts of not knowing what will happen are not only being heard by a great God, they're being heard by a great Father, one who never fails.
And what about my desire for stuff? Well guess what happened when I started to think about the one thing in this life that I treasure, my son? I didn't care anymore. The fact that I didn't have any of that didn't matter. All that mattered was Ethan, and my love for him.
My drive was a way for God to bring my ADD brain back in order. Here I was obsessing over not having things, then suddenly God reminded me about what really mattered. He helped me remember that people are far more important than things. And love is far more important than ownership.
From this I've resolved to weigh my attitude more often. Am I showing more favor to my stuff than to people? Would I sell my son for a new high-def plasma flat screen tv? Definitely not. I've been healed from a materialistic mind. And God has to remind me of that too. The fact that He delivered me from the desire to have stuff, to a desire to love people is a miracle. And its only one of the many miracles God is working out in my life.
And what about my desire for stuff? Well guess what happened when I started to think about the one thing in this life that I treasure, my son? I didn't care anymore. The fact that I didn't have any of that didn't matter. All that mattered was Ethan, and my love for him.
My drive was a way for God to bring my ADD brain back in order. Here I was obsessing over not having things, then suddenly God reminded me about what really mattered. He helped me remember that people are far more important than things. And love is far more important than ownership.
From this I've resolved to weigh my attitude more often. Am I showing more favor to my stuff than to people? Would I sell my son for a new high-def plasma flat screen tv? Definitely not. I've been healed from a materialistic mind. And God has to remind me of that too. The fact that He delivered me from the desire to have stuff, to a desire to love people is a miracle. And its only one of the many miracles God is working out in my life.
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