Tonight I'm once again facing something I have to face every night.. sleep. For some reason I just can't seem to sleep very well anymore. I don't like closing my eyes because I get night terrors that literally are so realistic I have to turn on lights and put on my glasses just to prove it's not real.
I'm afraid to fall asleep. I don't feel safe anymore. I live in a country full of people who are afraid, angry, hurt, broken, and weakened. I can't watch t.v. anymore, it's depressing. And as I scroll through Facebook I read status updates, posts, and shares of people who need answers but aren't getting them. What is happening? Are we in trouble? I think about this a lot. I see the changes just in my field of practice and I worry. I work in the medical field, and I know the commercials say this field is growing, but I don't think its for the right reasons. But that's not really something I understand. What I do understand is that I don't trust my government. Is this a new thing? Has it ever been like this before? I'm only 30, and I know I haven't seen very many presidents.. so maybe I'm wrong, but can we believe they are handling our money with our best interests at heart?
You know what I hear a lot? Some day someone will come along that will be able to handle this. But that day doesn't look like it's gonna happen. I have faith, don't get me wrong, but it's not in my government. It's in my God. I just don't want to worry about my tomorrow.. worse, I don't want to worry about my sons tomorrow. That's what has me up all night. I've never felt anything like this before, like there is someone out there who wants to ruin us, and when I say us I mean the nation. Right down to the part that I care about.. my son. No one's safe anymore. This great country isn't what it used to be, and maybe the reason they're trying to find another habitable planet is to get the hell off of this one. Somethings coming. People aren't stupid. I wish things weren't like this. I wish I could sleep at night. I wish I could feel safe.
I don't even want to post this because I know there are people out there that will take this the wrong way. People with big opinions and deep pockets. Why would they care about little old me? Well have you ever heard the tale of the grasshoppers and the ants? All year the ants would work hard to store up enough food for their colony to make it through the winter, except they also had to store up food for the grasshoppers too. You see the grasshoppers told the ants they would protect them from bugs that could come and hurt them or steal from them. So every year the ants would supply not only their own needs, but the grasshoppers too. Then one year there was a special ant who saw just what the grasshoppers were doing. He knew that the grasshoppers where not worried about other bugs, they just didn't want to have to work, they wanted to live off of the ants. So this special ant stood up to the grasshoppers, who may have been big, but compared to the vast number of the ants bigger wasn't really better. When this ant had the courage to stand up to the grasshoppers it gave the other ants the courage too, and they chased away the grasshoppers, never having to collect food for them again.
The moral of the story? Do you really need that explained? Because what I see is it's unfair and unjust to make others work hard and pay your way just because you don't want to support yourself. I feel like an ant today. I got an email from my company telling me the SS tax credit has expired and my paycheck is going to see a tax increase because of it. But you wanna know something funny? A tax that I pay too, for my future benefit, was borrowed against and not payed back by my government and now they're trying to say it was the programs fault. Which I don't think is true. They are just a bunch of grasshoppers, taking our hard earned tax money, and not putting any thought into it. Do you think they consider tax money the money of the people? Or government property? I think the IRS can answer that question. Ugh. I hate being this person! Do you see who I'm becoming??? Are you happy, people of the government??? YOU'VE MADE ME POLITICAL!!! I don't like the taste of it on my lips, or the feel of it as I type, or the look of it as I read it. I don't want to be this person. I want to be the girl on my parents front lawn, watching the clouds go by. I want to make forts in the woods, and look for frogs in the pond next door. I want to walk up my street after a summer rain to look for salamander's crossing the street. I want to feel safe. I want to sleep.
But I don't. I will wrestle to sleep, just as I do every night. I will read my bible, turn out my light, and pray the terrors don't get too bad. Just another night. It's becoming the normal here. It's ok. I'll sleep plenty when I'm dead. I guess. And no, that's not an invitation.
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