Missions minded

I was just thinking... my ride home from work has become a place to speak with God.  It happens an awful lot.  And I don't see it as a bad thing.. I'm just saying...

As I drove home today I was going over some thoughts in my heart with God.  Thoughts of the things I don't have in my life.  You know, like stuff.  Flat screen tv's or blu ray players, or sweet cell phones, or any kind of cool gadgets.  My life consists of basic cable, and a TV that's as old as my son, and about as big as him too. No flat-screens here.. I think if a robber ever broke in they'd laugh at my lack of stuff.. even my computer's laugh-worthy.  But hey, they all work.  So no complaints here.  I was just stating that having that stuff would be cool, no doubt about it.  I could've been that way you know.  The girl that goes for the stuff.. maybe I'd be married with a couple of kids by now, and have some cool entertainment center.. be a soccer mom, or maybe one of those PTA moms, or even a mom who home-schools!  

All this got brought on by a song I heard on Air1.  It's a christian radio station, and the song played was called "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North.  It wasn't too long ago when that was just where I was.  I felt I was doing all I could to show I loved those who needed my love, and yet I wasn't being received that way.  Instead I got a lot of rejection.  And I was choosing to live my life the way I thought best, following as God led me, and instead of showing those in my life the blessings I was being given, I only saw what I didn't have.  Again, I felt like I was "losing".   No matter how hard I tried, every situation was filled with the reality of what I was giving up.  And if anyone thinks choosing to live a life following Christ is easy, well obviously you have no idea what you're talking about.  If this life was so easy more people would be living it.  It's not easy at all. In fact, it's the hardest choice I have to make on a daily basis.  Choosing to believe in Christ, and live my life according to His words and guidance is not the easy way.  That would be why He said in is own words, "Narrow is the gate" Only a few choose it.  More often than not, people choose the easy way.  Don't get me wrong.. that is very tempting, even for me, so I understand.  TRUST ME.

My discussion of my lacks suddenly became a realization of just how hard it is to commit your life to Christ.  And suddenly I was thinking of why I gave that stuff up.  I could have had those things, but I chose not to.  Why?  Because there's just something about Christ, that makes me stay.  Ask anyone.  I'm a flight risk.  I don't stay in one place too long, I can't even have my furniture the same way for too long.  I CRAVE change.  But with God?  He sustains me.  I have no lack, and He's always giving more and more to me.  His love never ends.  His love for me never changes, yet it's never the same.  I've never felt rejected, never felt like He's turned His back on me, and maybe I've had to wait on Him sometimes, but I've found that the time was always worth the wait.  I am completely happy with God.  Of course, my thinking this took less time to think than it did to explain.  

I think about that stuff.  Life without those things.  Things seen as modern day "needs".  A perfect family portrait, with shiny smiles, and even maybe have that dog I've always wanted.  This Spring I will be making my first missions trip ever.  A big deal for me, because I never  saw myself as a missionary.  But it's also a trip that will leave me parted from my son for longer than a night.  The last time I was away from my son for more than a night I cried every night we were away from each other.  And in thinking about this I started to cry again.  My heart broke knowing I'd be without my son for longer than we've ever been apart.  The anticipation of the good stuff is there.  I know that this trip will change my life for the good.  But it doesn't change the fact that in order to do this I have to leave Ethan behind.  UGH.  It's hard thinking about it.

My mission trip will not last forever.  I will come home and be with my son again.  Just as Jesus went back to join the Father.  But Jesus's mission isn't over.  He's coming back again.  Thinking about Christ and all that happened so long ago, and all that is promised to happen can be a bit overwhelming.  I think maybe that's why I got so emotional as I thought about it.  Because not only am I feeling the pain of anticipatory separation, but I'm also seeing a mirror of God's hurt when He went through it.  I wonder if He ever had sad days thinking about what was to come?  I know Jesus says things such as, "If you are willing take this cup, yet not my will, but Yours be done."  Thinking about the separation, thinking about the pain.. was hard to bare.  So God knows my pain.  He knows my sorrow as to feeling apart from my son.  And I know because of this that God also knows how to console me.  How to give me peace, and to help me stay strong, encouraged, and brave enough to go, even if I'm having early separation anxiety.

Ah.. the wonders of a mother's love.  So I may worry whether my son will struggle with whomever is caring for him.  I may worry about whether he's being treated fairly, or being taken care of the way I would care for him.  But, you know what?  God isn't just with me.  He's with Ethan too.  So all these thoughts of not knowing what will happen are not only being heard by a great God, they're being heard by a great Father, one who never fails.

And what about my desire for stuff?  Well guess what happened when I started to think about the one thing in this life that I treasure, my son?  I didn't care anymore.  The fact that I didn't have any of that didn't matter.  All that mattered was Ethan, and my love for him.

My drive was a way for God to bring my ADD brain back in order.  Here I was obsessing over not having things, then suddenly God reminded me about what really mattered.  He helped me remember that people are far more important than things.  And love is far more important than ownership.

From this I've resolved to weigh my attitude more often.  Am I showing more favor to my stuff than to people?  Would I sell my son for a new high-def plasma flat screen tv? Definitely not.  I've been healed from a materialistic mind.  And God has to remind me of that too.  The fact that He delivered me from the desire to have stuff, to a desire to love people is a miracle.  And its only one of the many miracles God is working out in my life.

Half-way in is not enough.

A wise person I know once said you need to pick a side of the fence, otherwise you're just an idiot with a fence pole up your back-end.  (I cleaned up the language a tad)  Sometimes I find myself in that position, and I have to remind myself of the good things that come from good choices.

I was thinking about things that didn't happen in my life as I drove home today from work.  Things that I would have liked to have happened, but I never gave it a chance.  Back then I just wasn't as bold.  And I sort of mourned a little bit for the things I lost.  A life I never had, perhaps?  I realize when I go back in time and look over certain choices, that those choices were almost directly connected to who I am now.  What would have happened if those things had not happened the way they had?  Where would I be today? WHO would I be today??  I can tell you, I doubt I'd be who I am today.

But that made me think, maybe I'm not doing this life I am living any favors by always looking at the "woulda, shoulda, coulda's".  Maybe the looking back isn't helping me move forward.  It did help a bit to remember why I am grateful.  I'm grateful for the lessons I gained because of the past.  In the interest of keeping private things private, I'll say this.. sometimes life doesn't go as planned.  Sometimes decisions are made, and they put things into your life and take them out.  I made a decision a long time ago to let something go, something I second guess all the time.  But there's no going back now.  The past is the past, and no matter how I obsess over it, it's not going to change things.  And I have to accept every moment lived since then, and realize things are not bad.  I lack nothing.  Maybe things aren't a certain way, maybe my life went down a different road.. but so far, this road has brought me to some amazing places.. and I wouldn't change it, or trade it.  Not even if I had the power to go back in time.  I wouldn't.  I'd let things stay the way they are, cause honestly, I'd like to see where this road takes me.

What I lacked last time.

Last week was rough.  I'm not saying my week was horrible, it was just trying.

I have a few things on my plate, and I feel as though my intentions are being tested.  You know they say the best of intentions are good.. some say good intentions are better than no intentions.  But I'm going to have to disagree on that one.  Mostly because I'm in the middle of working out good intentions to be more than intentions, and with this experience I'm willing to bet that good intentions are pretty much the same as no intentions at all.  I feel like I've said intentions too many times... blecckk.  Sorry.  Anywho...

So here's my latest experience.

Over the last year God has definitely placed some new opportunities in my lap.  I've been given the opportunity to publish a book, and the opportunity to lead a group, and to pull together a quarterly newsletter, and to go to Africa, and to become debt free, and to give to missions, and to help out my neighbors.. those are just a few that I can think of off the top of my head.  There's a lot that God has placed in my path.  And with the new year and some new perspective I'm wondering why God even bothers with me sometimes.  I feel like such a hypocrite lately.  I say I will do something, then I don't do it, but I had the best intentions, so even if I don't do it that still counts. Right?  Well, maybe if I was five.

God's been teaching me about spiritual maturity.  Along the way I've seen things in my life that can show me when I've matured enough for God to bring new and bigger things into my life.  These latest opportunities would never have been placed in my life when I was a new christian.  In the same way as a baby isn't expected to walk and get a job because it's a baby, a new christian isn't expected to do major things.  Baby's need to learn and grow.  And so do new Christians.  Paul talks a lot on this subject. You'll find many scriptures in the New Testament. Try Hebrews (5:12) or 1 Peter (2:2), for example.

For me, I can say with most certainty, I am growing into my adult phase. How do I know?  Well, I've looked into the last few years of my walk with God and I can almost see the spiritual "growth".  When I was a new christian I started to learn about Christ's love for me.  I had years of learning to trust Him for all the needs in my life.  As my knowledge of Him grew, so did my walk.  I had baby experiences where all I needed was to learn scripture and get to know this God who loved me, toddler experiences where I got to learn how to stand on my own two feet, and experience this world He had placed me it, child experiences where I began to learn about all the things about God.  I almost felt like I was in the "School of God" as I began to study parts of the bible, especially loving anything about Genesis chapters 1-3, and almost consuming myself with the words of the Bible.  Then my rebellious experiences hit.  And I had that teenage "I know what I'm doing" attitude, which landed me in a bad relationship that almost took me out.  From that last experience I ended up in a place where I almost had to start all over, but instead I decided to go back and figure out where I went wrong, and work with God to fix it.  That experience became a book that I published last year called "Dating God. A true story of how I dated God."  Which, if I really think about it, is just a first in many future installments because I doubt I will ever be done "Dating God"

But back to where I am now, I feel like I'm at that point mentally and spiritually as I was right before I met "Ronald".  He's the guy that was used to take me off course.  And at that point I wasn't spiritually ready for what was next.  But this time, I've got some new lessons and wisdom under my belt.  Life has handed me some experiences that have changed me, and because of that this time I am able to see what I lacked last time.

At that point I was still naive.  I had no reason to believe my actions were wrong in the beginning of the story of Ronald and I.  We had an innocent enough beginning.  But things rapidly became very wrong when I became impatient.  I was unwilling to wait for God's timing, and because of that I suffered through a hard lesson.  God used this to teach me the importance of intentions, both good and bad, and the importance of timing.

Here you'll find me, years later, with that new lesson under my belt.  And new things popping up into my life that are evidence that God is asking more of me.  Last year when our church went on a missions trip I had no intentions of going, but as the pictures and stories poured in I had this pain in my heart, one that told me I needed to go.  Then other things started to present thyself (wink).  Things that exercise my talents God has given me.  And I found myself saying I would do these things.  My heart was in this place where I desired to do good things.  I had good intentions, but the desire to do good was not strong enough to turn good intentions into good actions, or good WORKS.  And unless intentions become actions they are useless.  Anything I said I would do was being second-guessed, and before I knew it I was finding reasons for not doing them.  It's a horrible thing to say you are going to do something, begin to show effort, then stop short.

Am I being too hard on myself?  Am I crazy? Is this even biblical?  I'm glad you asked!  Because yes, it is.  Check out James chapter 2.  Pretty much the whole chapter covers exactly what God is bringing me through at this moment.  "Faith without works is dead"

God has never shown Himself to me as a Father that takes care of my problems without me having to do anything about it, and I'm glad!  Imagine the kind of self-entitled, spoiled brat I'd be!  I'd do whatever I wanted and then let God clean up my mess?? HECK NO.  Since He's not new to being a Father, and He already knows my actions, intentions and motives you can bet He's got plans to make sure I help with the clean up.

I've had to face my intentions these last few weeks.  And God is helping me to become the girl to let her actions speak louder than her words.  I talk about that all the time.  I am the person that looks at someone's actions more than their words.  And when I know of someone who's always saying how much they love giving and helping, yet every time I see them they are doing neither and their life reflects the same, then you can bet I'm saying to myself "that person is a hypocrite".

And fortunately, God is looking into my life and fixing all the problems.  This is one thing that can't be fixed with a miracle, or God taking the reigns.  He's showing me this is work we have to do TOGETHER.  He's going to help me as I pull together all the things that need sorting and need attention.  We're going to work on more of the stuff that's been put into boxes on shelves in my heart and in my mind.  I have a bad habit of doing that by the way.  If I don't want to deal with something, but I don't want to have a mess everywhere, I'll find a box  and I fill it with all the things I'd rather face on another day. And God's saying, "No.  This box needs dealing with."

We've got some work to do, me and God.  I'm going to have to pull out all my stuffed boxes of my heart and start going through them.  This is not really something new.  I've been doing this over the last few years.  Every now and then God sees another box that's ready for sorting.  And not only does He see what needs sorting, He knows what goes where!  He can tell me what I need to do with everything involved! He's the God of the details!  And you can also bet that God is not some old dad, with old, outdated ideas that would never realistically help you work out what needs working out.. God is up for the challenge.  Whatever it is, nothing is too difficult for Him!  Imagine thinking something like, "I don't know God, this is a pretty big debt I'm facing." Or, "I have too many details I have to pull together in too little time!" Or how about, "I'm just too busy, there's not enough time in the day."  Yeah.  God's going to look at all the issues you are facing and say, "Well, it is true, she works all day, and has to pay all those bills.  I'm asking too much of her."  Pah! That's not God!  God owns everything, He created everything, do you really think details are going to change what He's asking of you??  The only thing that's preventing you from getting those good intentions to become good works is you.  Yeah.. I'm talking to me.  I am that person.  I usually sabotage myself, and end up regretting it. But this time I have something different.  I know what I lacked last time.  I lacked knowledge.  I lacked courage.  I lacked patience, endurance, wisdom, and strength.  I lacked the fruit of the spirit.  I wasn't walking in the Spirit.  What do I mean?...


"16 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. 17 The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. 18 But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.

19 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, 21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. 25 Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. 26 Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another." ~Galatians 5:16-26

This time I know these things.  This time I am aware of what God expects of me.  This time my intentions are for God's glory, and my edification.  This time my heart is safe in God's hands.  This time I intend on waiting. This time I have no desire to throw away what God has planned for me for "some guy".  This time I have more than what I lacked last time.  And because of that, I do believe I will be victorious this time.

Enter Sandman...

Tonight I'm once again facing something I have to face every night.. sleep.  For some reason I just can't seem to sleep very well anymore.  I don't like closing my eyes because I get night terrors that literally are so realistic I have to turn on lights and put on my glasses just to prove it's not real.

I'm afraid to fall asleep.  I don't feel safe anymore.  I live in a country full of people who are afraid, angry, hurt, broken, and weakened.  I can't watch t.v. anymore, it's depressing.  And as I scroll through Facebook I read status updates, posts, and shares of people who need answers but aren't getting them.  What is happening?  Are we in trouble?  I think about this a lot.  I see the changes just in my field of practice and I worry.  I work in the medical field, and I know the commercials say this field is growing, but I don't think its for the right reasons.  But that's not really something I understand.  What I do understand is that I don't trust my government.  Is this a new thing?  Has it ever been like this before?  I'm only 30, and I know I haven't seen very many presidents.. so maybe I'm wrong, but can we believe they are handling our money with our best interests at heart?

You know what I hear a lot?  Some day someone will come along that will be able to handle this.  But that day doesn't look like it's gonna happen.  I have faith, don't get me wrong, but it's not in my government.  It's in my God.  I just don't want to worry about my tomorrow.. worse, I don't want to worry about my sons tomorrow.  That's what has me up all night.  I've never felt anything like this before, like there is someone out there who wants to ruin us, and when I say us I mean the nation.  Right down to the part that I care about.. my son.  No one's safe anymore.  This great country isn't what it used to be, and maybe the reason they're trying to find another habitable planet is to get the hell off of this one.  Somethings coming.  People aren't stupid.  I wish things weren't like this.  I wish I could sleep at night.  I wish I could feel safe.

I don't even want to post this because I know there are people out there that will take this the wrong way.  People with big opinions and deep pockets.  Why would they care about little old me?  Well  have you ever heard the tale of the grasshoppers and the ants?  All year the ants would work hard to store up enough food for their colony to make it through the winter, except they also had to store up food for the grasshoppers too.  You see the grasshoppers told the ants they would protect them from bugs that could come and hurt them or steal from them.  So every year the ants would supply not only their own needs, but the grasshoppers too.  Then one year there was a special ant who saw just what the grasshoppers were doing.  He knew that the grasshoppers where not worried about other bugs, they just didn't want to have to work, they wanted to live off of the ants.  So this special ant stood up to the grasshoppers, who may have been big, but compared to the vast number of the ants bigger wasn't really better.  When this ant had the courage to stand up to the grasshoppers it gave the other ants the courage too, and they chased away the grasshoppers, never having to collect food for them again.

The moral of the story? Do you really need that explained?  Because what I see is it's unfair and unjust to make others work hard and pay your way just because you don't want to support yourself.  I feel like an ant today.  I got an email from my company telling me the SS tax credit has expired and my paycheck is going to see a tax increase because of it.  But you wanna know something funny?  A tax that I pay too, for my future benefit, was borrowed against and not payed back by my government and now they're trying to say it was the programs fault.  Which I don't think is true.  They are just a bunch of grasshoppers, taking our hard earned tax money, and not putting any thought into it.  Do you think they consider tax money the money of the people? Or government property?  I think the IRS can answer that question.  Ugh.  I hate being this person!  Do you see who I'm becoming??? Are you happy, people of the government??? YOU'VE MADE ME POLITICAL!!! I don't like the taste of it on my lips, or the feel of it as I type, or the look of it as I read it.  I don't want to be this person.  I want to be the girl on my parents front lawn, watching the clouds go by.  I want to make forts in the woods, and look for frogs in the pond next door.  I want to walk up my street after a summer rain to look for salamander's crossing the street.  I want to feel safe.  I want to sleep.

But I don't.  I will wrestle to sleep, just as I do every night.  I will read my bible, turn out my light, and pray the terrors don't get too bad.  Just another night.  It's becoming the normal here.  It's ok.  I'll sleep plenty when I'm dead. I guess.  And no, that's not an invitation.

What Ethan taught me

This morning I was having a talk with God as I drove to work.  The events of the last 24 hours were fresh in my mind.  I had just dropped Ethan off at school, and our conversation was started by me thinking about how proud I am to be a daughter of the King.  How corny does that sound? Well, I don't care.  I mean it.  I had such a good morning with Ethan, if you had seen us the day before this you wouldn't think we got along this well. And oddly enough, it got me thinking about my relationship with God.

First I should explain that my son has a new friend who lives next door.  And they get along really well, which is great, but over Ethan's winter break I barely saw him.  He slept over almost every day, and when he was home it was only to grab clothes.  So after work on New Years Eve I asked him to come home and stay.  The night wasn't anything special, Ethan fell asleep before the new year hit, I tried to wake him, but he's not the easiest person to wake.  The next morning I had plans to pull my spending plan out and work on it to figure out what I had for the next two weeks to see if we could go out to lunch.  After hours of updating and calculating I realized I had other more important expenses, so that was a no-go.  In all the time I was working on my expenses I got to listen to my boy complain about being home.  He wanted to go over his friends house.  He was bored.  Our apartment has nothing to do.  So I did what any mother would do, I found things for him to do. ;-)  The trash needed to be taken out, the dishes needed to be washed (it was his turn) and he needed to do a load of laundry. I'm so nice. (hehe) And I wasn't surprised when he got angry and started stomping through the house because, and I quote, "This is why I don't want to be here, you always make me do things when I'm home!"  Oh, my boy.  He is so very precious.  But obviously this is a typical 12 year old reaction, so I didn't let it phase me.  I knew where his shoes were, and when he realized they weren't out in the open he proceeded to bang doors and kick things.  All this while lovingly bringing his frustrations out in colorful words and sentences.  No swears, just accusations, and loads of "I'm not doing anything if I can't find my shoes".  I calmly stated I knew where they were and if he wanted them he'd have to apologize and ask me nicely.  I may as well have asked him to do something hideous, like clean up dog poop or wash vomit out of the carpet... the kid was not giving in.

For the next hour I had a battle to win.  But I didn't want to be the only winner, I wanted Ethan to win too.  You see, I have no battle with him.  God's taught me that Ethan is becoming a young man, and we have to train him because he doesn't know how to become one on his own.

Ethan has a stubbornness that matches my own.  My ability to wait is definitely something he can be capable of.  But instead of trying to gain control of Ethan I chose to exercise my role as his mother.  I have no desire to control him.  Instead I want him to control himself, and make right decisions.  So I gave him some direction.  Either he helped out or he would lose privileges.  We had a nice chat, and we discussed why him being aggravated with having to help was not really going to change the fact that he still had to help.  I made sure I told him how much I loved him, and wanted him around, even if that meant for nothing more than to be present in the house.  I liked knowing he was there.  By the end of the hour things had cooled down.  He was taking out the trash, and doing the dishes and even did his own laundry!  I was so very proud of his choice.  I made sure he knew it too!

This is how our battles usually go.  The battle is not to defeat my boy, it's actually me on his side helping him defeat his negative behavior.  We have a battle to win, together!  I am for him! Not against him!  I want him to prosper, to be strong, and courageous!  To be victorious!  And to have a good future! But... wait... suddenly I am back in my car and as I drive I'm thinking about my relationship with my son. My desires for him were for all those good things and the more I thought about it... I could feel God knocking on my heart.. "Do you see all those things you want for your son? Well that's what I want for you!  That's how I feel about you! But SO MUCH MORE." As I felt this realization I lost my words.  And could suddenly hear God loud and clear.  He was on my team.  We fight this battle TOGETHER.  He wants the best for me.

When I was praying and talking about the only thing I really want from Ethan is for him to trust me and to believe me when I say I love him and have his best interests at heart I felt that mirror God places in my heart to show me that's just what He wants from me and for me.

God's not really in the business of shoving rules and regulations in my face. Instead I've found that He's spent more of His time showing His love for me in every way He can.  Whether it be by provision, or discipline, or presence, or forgiveness, or mercy, or grace, or hope, or so many other ways He shows He loves me.  He encourages me.  He gives me amazing promises... some haven't been fulfilled yet, some are in progress, and some are reminders because God has done as He has promised.  He gives me lessons, and always brings understanding.  Never have I felt like God was trying to control me.  I've only felt His guidance, and His desire for me to control myself.  I control my behavior.  I control my reactions.  I control my words, my thoughts... through His guidance I am able to maintain discipline, and live out the fruit of the Spirit:

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.

Mixed together all that has happened over the last 13 years and you'd see one amazing love story.  I've learned the many names of God...

Father, Friend, Savior, Teacher, Brother, Protector, Provider, Healer 
to just name a few.

Through Ethan God has shown me how He is building our relationship.  Just as I am helping Ethan to grow and become a good man of God, God is helping me grow to become a good woman of God.

What a ride to work today.  I felt like these last few weeks of vacation and holidays has caused me to neglect some God time, and when I had arrived at work I felt the absence of it.  I hadn't paid too much attention to God these last few weeks.  And again I remembered how I felt when Ethan wasn't there with me.  Did God miss me?  Did He want to hear me talk to Him again?  Was He waiting patiently for me to remember He was there?  Goodness, I always forget just how much He loves me.  Just as I wanted Ethan around, He just wanted me to acknowledge Him, and spend some time with Him.  What a relationship I have with God!  I have this amazing Father who loves me so deeply that He wants me around always.  He MISSES me when I'm gone!  And when I say gone, I don't me away, I just mean that something else has my attention because we're never apart.

I am a daughter of the King. And you are a child of the King too.  He loves His children so thoroughly and so deeply, there is no matching it.  His love for us cannot be described.

His love for me leaves me speechless most of the time.  And over the last 24 hours I remembered again just how much I mean to God.  Which, I'm sure is only a small measure of what it really is.  We never fully understand, and in time we find more and more every day of how deep His love goes.

My hope is that you, too, know just how much God loves you.  And if not, then spend some time finding out, because He'll most definitely show you.

It's a new year blog!

With everyone making resolutions I bring myself back to the year 2012.  What did that year bring for me? What did I gain? What did I lose?

I published my first book, and realized all the mistakes I made publishing it.  I'm not trying to be that perfectionist writer.. well, maybe I am, but it's all for a good cause.  The book I wrote is in desperate need of professional help!  Kudos and thanks go out to Westbow Press for helping me accomplish a dream, but it remains that this is not how I envisioned it.

I have this dream where I write stories, both true and fiction, that help change lives.  I want this to be my goal for the next year, to bring my dream to reality.  If you've followed my blog and know me beyond the Facebook world, you'd know that I tend to live in the in-between.  I'm the girl that watches clouds and finds characters in them.  I can walk down the street and someone hammering can become a giant running after me.. I really do have a very active imagination.  And I would love you to get to see just what's inside my heart and mind.  It's nothing dirty.  I don't really like those kinds of things.  I like to distance myself from it.

My mind really likes stuff that helps me go to distant worlds full of color and imaginary characters that defeat the bad guy.  My favorite writer of all times is C.S. Lewis.  I've read his Chronicles of Narnia books at least 3 times and I do believe I want to read it again!  I just have to wait because I recently borrowed Lewis Carroll's "Alice in Wonderland, and through the looking glass" from the library and I can't wait to see just where that rabbit hole leads... which reminds me, go visit your local library and take your mind to distant lands! There's just something about a good book.. the smell of it, the feel of it.. my favorite thing in the world is to get lost in a good book.

I tell you all this because I think I have a big goal this year and it scares me a little bit.  My goal is not limited to writing, though.  It's supported and fed by the need for a better education, and this means I'll be going back to school.  I have a bit of a road ahead of me.

This year holds some strong things for me.  For example I'd really like to be that person who doesn't just talk the talk, I walk the walk.  You know what that means? It means my actions are going to have to speak louder than my words.  I made some promises in 2012 that I think need to be filled.  So this year will not only be the  beginning of things, it will also be the year for making good on promises, finishing what I've started, and continuing with my responsibilities.  It's a year of maintaining, but also gaining.  It scares me, but I know I have nothing to fear.  God would not put these things in my life if He were not fully prepared to make it possible.  All I have to do is lean on Him.  Pray often, and depend on His provision.. whether it be His wisdom, His finance, or His love.  He is Jehovah Jirah - the God who provides.   And I believe very strongly that He has already made a way for me.

So I'm asking for your prayer.  Your prayers make a difference.  They split open the heavenly realms and reach the Father.  He hears your words, and smiles.  Hearing His children lifting up the needs of another hits His heart, because we are His heart.  He redeemed us thoroughly and has no intention of allowing those He redeemed to lift up empty prayers with empty results.  Your prayers do not fall on deaf ears.  He hears you, whether you feel it or not.  Speak to the King and tell Him you are praying for His presence, power, and sovereignty.  He is power filled.  He owns everything.  And there's nothing that can stop Him from hearing us.

Thank you for reading my heart.  Because that's what these writings are.  My heart out loud.  I'm not perfect, and I don't know everything.  But what I do know is that I'm learning.  I'm learning to grow with you.  Thank you for sharing my journey, I hope you continue to follow me, because as long as I'm breathing my lessons will never be done.

Happy New Year, and heres to an amazing 2013!