Oh 2020.
This was supposed to be a better year.
Let's recap, shall we? It's been about 2 years since my last post, and since then I had recovered from some major trauma, and then found myself in a relationship at the beginning of 2019.
At first I thought I was going in a good direction. I thought things would slowly get better. I wanted to show myself that I could be in a relationship.
Only problem was that the person I was dating was so very wrong for me in so many ways. He was impatient, hated his parents, cared more about making others happy than himself (and in turn made it seem like others were responsible for his happiness), didn't take his health seriously, was extremely co-dependent, and super insecure.
Ok. That was a loaded paragraph. Let's just clear one thing up; I do not believe I am any better than anyone else in life in a way where I am allowed to judge someone else's behavior, except when I have had a close, personal, relationship with them. I spent a little under 3 months practically trying to force myself to believe he was not who he seemed. I looked for the best in him, no, I DUG into him to find the best. I found a man willing to sacrifice himself for others, time and time again to help in the way he believed they needed. I found a man who loved cooking for me, and spending time learning about different passions of his. I found a man who loved the idea of love and family, who devoted himself to being there, even when it was physically painful.
I dug, and I found qualities that were good. But here's the problem; I had no business being in a relationship with him. Didn't expect that, did ya? Wanna know why? Well, it's because the man I was dating wasn't the kind of man I wanted in my life. There was nothing wrong with him. He was imperfect, he had many life lessons left to learn and grow from, but that's not any different from anyone else in the human race. The truth is that I wasn't willing to admit that the girl who he was looking for wasn't me. I should've only been friends with him, but if I'm being honest I just couldn't take being single. Another semester had ended and I was restless and didn't want to face the weeks ahead of me. My life had completely changed because of school. I had no time to pursue relationships because all my energy had to go to my ever-changing educational needs. I wasn't looking forward to more nights alone, at all.
Out of a whim in my restlessness my mind wandered to an old friend, wondering how he was doing. What didn't come to mind was the fact that the last time we spoke we stopped talking because he started dating someone else. I was entertaining the idea of dating him back then, but I was just starting to recover from the traumatic life event that had put myself and my son into a very dark place for 3 years. I wasn't ready to face dealing with the issues alone, how was I going to face it with someone else? His impatience mixed with his "Fairy tale" mentality had gotten the last say and he was whisked away to a life with another girl. I cared, but at the same time I was relieved.
But we didn't end badly, so I figured why not reach out to him? It had been 3 more years. That dark place was no longer holding me or my son hostage. We were almost ok. Almost. But I still felt that restlessness where I knew I needed something to distract me from my sad boring life, alone in my bed, no one to spend time with. I was lonely. And maybe I was a little desperate. I don't like how that word tastes, but it might be true.
So I texted him. It began with two words, "Hey stranger". Funny that's what I had said, because that's what we were pretty much the whole time. Strangers dating, strangers sharing a bed, strangers sharing change, strangers planning a future. It constantly felt like we were speaking different languages. I thought I was able to hear him, know him, see him, understand him, but never felt like he could apply any of those things to me. Everything I said, did, or felt was constantly lost.. I rarely felt understood.
Because we had no business being together.
Because I jumped into the relationship and ignored my past hopes regarding my future husband, I found myself in a constant see-saw of emotions. I think if I had allowed myself to be who he wanted me to be then I wouldn't have been true to who I really was. The girl he had a crush on 9 years prior was no where to be seen. The one in her place was someone who was recovering from PTSD and seeking to understand and try to deal with newly diagnosed ADHD, and worsening OCD, and PDD along with anxiety disorders. I was finally given answers to all my struggles over my life of education, but the answers were a bit stressful in themselves. Who I was, was a girl changed by her past, and present. The girl I thought I was was someone who struggled and had a hard time, but would do anything for the right man.
According to him, the person I was was no where near who I thought I was. The things he said to me about me felt like he was talking about someone else. Who the hell was this girl he was so desperate to find in me? and what was wrong with who I was then?
NOTHING. That's what. What was wrong was us being together. Maybe 10 years ago things would've been different, but that didn't happen. And the relationship we had was not at all the kind of relationship I had pictured myself to be in. Because we weren't supposed to be together.
No matter how I spun it, not matter how many times I tried to understand the why's of things going wrong, nothing would change the fact that we weren't right for each other. The time I spent with him gave me the chance to be with someone for a change. I got to have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. I had someone to call and text when I wanted to talk or text, and someone to share a bed with.
It wasn't always great, but it was something. Not really my greatest life choice over the last few years, but it definitely helped me see something about myself that I never saw before. When restless, I need to find something to fill that void with that doesn't include dating someone. That is not a good way to deal with needing change. I should not compromise, just because I need mental stimulation, or a warm body in my bed. That is stupid. And I am not stupid!
It's been almost a year since we spoke. He chose to cut me completely out, for whatever reason, and it has been a long road of coming back from allowing myself to get involved emotionally with someone I should never have involved myself emotionally with. But here I am, almost a year later, and I don't really care to know how he's doing, or whether he thinks about me. I'm still a little curious, but honestly, if I never see him again, or hear from him again it's for the best. I'm not who he wanted. And he's not who I wanted either. And if we want to find that person we need to keep moving on, away from each other.
Sunday, March 15, 2020
Sunday, September 30, 2018
My world
What is it like, to live with depression?
It is not mine, but it is in the world around me.
He is the world around me, and he is also my world.
And he is depressed. He lives with a deep sadness that I cannot take away.
My world reflects such sunshine into my life when I think of him.
Our treasured days, I can count them all as my favorite, because he is my favorite.
His presence shines the sunshine, and he is my favorite sunshine giver.
When he is okay.
But he also brings the rain.
On days when it rains my world is grey and blue hues.
His colors are dulled, with no sign of life or light.
He walks and stands, but only hunched and slow.
Behind him there are trails of regrets. Things unchangeable that tear at him.
My world has too many regrets.
These regrets have created a mind bully.
It constantly fights him, on the inside, telling him he is only meant for the rain. He is only meant for those dull grey and blue hues.
It will only be days with no signs of life or light.
These are the feelings that swirl around him, like a hurricane.
They are emotions, and they wrap around my world so tightly that he struggles to breath on some days.
The days of the hurricane feelings have not come as often as they use to, but they still come.
Most days anyway.
I wish my world could chase away that bully with the anger and rage I feel when they speak to him.
I wish he could wear my love and fierce protection for his light and life, wear them on himself, as his shelter, and shield.
Then the bully would flee. It would flee knowing full well that I am capable of ripping it to shreds.
My love is rage and power against the rain, and the dull grey and blue hues that fill my world.
And when it flees, my love transforms him. My world changes, with new signs of light and life.
The sunshine returns to my world and he radiates all the colors that I love most about him.
He is deep auburn's of passion for life, evergreen sharp, for strength and peace, amber's and vibrant blues for endurance.
Those dull blues, now vibrant, reflect his regrets as ocean's of lessons that show more grace and mercy.
And even those grey's change. They become soft, like a warmth found on the fur of the kittens seeking the warm and safe places, all curled up into a ball of peace.
I wish my love for my world could shine stronger than the rain.
I want it to dry up the vast floods it causes, that ruin his streets and bridges, and destroy his places of refuge. They would not take his places of protection.
He would use my love as a weapon; one that could fight and destroy the things that keep him from resting.
My world does not rest. He cannot sleep, even when he is tired.
My world does not feed himself, not in the way he needs to.
Sometimes, even when he needs to, he does not cry, and does not feel. He has become numb when he feels that way.
My world may be free from his past regrets, but they still keep his mind prisoner.
His mind is held captive, but all that has ever crushed him.
Memories are 3 ton construction trucks being driven over the bridges to get him through, and the bridges collapse, their weight limit exceeded.
This leaves my world stranded with the memories, and I have to watch helplessly as the memories destroy his hope of rescue, or escape.
Memories are a paralytic. They inject him with their poison, and his is unable to move.
He cannot speak, he cannot live.
They hold onto him, telling him that he is all the bad things that his bully says he is.
They say he's terrible, he's hated, and he is ruined.
The world is dying, they say, plagued and doomed, and they are glad. Good riddance, it says.
This world is full of sorrow, and pain.
He is hurting.
He is the world.
He is my world.
And I want to save him.
I want to be his protector.
I want to be his super hero, like those he has so admired throughout life.
I want to use my power to save my world, from the darkness that has overcome him.
I would be the sun.
I am the sun to shine on my world, and my powers are strong.
I am what sustains my world, too.
I give heat for his warmth, and give life to his being.
I hold my world in place, my gravity strongly carrying him through, helping to keep him going, through the days and seasons of time as he works to break free and move on.
He may think he is imprisoned to his memories, he may feel paralyzed by them.
But my ever-present love that is steady and consistent will remain with him. I am unmoved.
He is the world. He is my world, and I am the sun.
I am the sun to shine the light that chases away the darkness that dwells within my world.
And my light is what brightens and defines his colors.
And by this I will teach him.
I will tell him to remember that the sun is shining always.
The sun never goes "down", never "goes away" or "hide's behind the clouds".
NO.
The sun is ever-present, existing and giving the light that brings life, keeping the world from losing his balance, and
providing energy to sustain my world, in spite of the dull grey and blue hues.
Because I have chased away the rain and clouds, I will paint in his brilliant blue sky as a reminder that I am here, using many new bright hues of color, to show my world just how strong my love for him is.
I will use the rain, I will change how he sees it.
And these bright hues will be stretched over his sky, it will bow over my world, the entire expanse of his memories and dull grey and blue hues and the mental bully will PALE in comparison to the brilliant bow I will show.
And he will know it is from me, the sunshine for his days, and he will remember- he is so very loved.
And I will save my world. Every time.
It is not mine, but it is in the world around me.
He is the world around me, and he is also my world.
And he is depressed. He lives with a deep sadness that I cannot take away.
My world reflects such sunshine into my life when I think of him.
Our treasured days, I can count them all as my favorite, because he is my favorite.
His presence shines the sunshine, and he is my favorite sunshine giver.
When he is okay.
But he also brings the rain.
On days when it rains my world is grey and blue hues.
His colors are dulled, with no sign of life or light.
He walks and stands, but only hunched and slow.
Behind him there are trails of regrets. Things unchangeable that tear at him.
My world has too many regrets.
These regrets have created a mind bully.
It constantly fights him, on the inside, telling him he is only meant for the rain. He is only meant for those dull grey and blue hues.
It will only be days with no signs of life or light.
These are the feelings that swirl around him, like a hurricane.
They are emotions, and they wrap around my world so tightly that he struggles to breath on some days.
The days of the hurricane feelings have not come as often as they use to, but they still come.
Most days anyway.
I wish my world could chase away that bully with the anger and rage I feel when they speak to him.
I wish he could wear my love and fierce protection for his light and life, wear them on himself, as his shelter, and shield.
Then the bully would flee. It would flee knowing full well that I am capable of ripping it to shreds.
My love is rage and power against the rain, and the dull grey and blue hues that fill my world.
And when it flees, my love transforms him. My world changes, with new signs of light and life.
The sunshine returns to my world and he radiates all the colors that I love most about him.
He is deep auburn's of passion for life, evergreen sharp, for strength and peace, amber's and vibrant blues for endurance.
Those dull blues, now vibrant, reflect his regrets as ocean's of lessons that show more grace and mercy.
And even those grey's change. They become soft, like a warmth found on the fur of the kittens seeking the warm and safe places, all curled up into a ball of peace.
I wish my love for my world could shine stronger than the rain.
I want it to dry up the vast floods it causes, that ruin his streets and bridges, and destroy his places of refuge. They would not take his places of protection.
He would use my love as a weapon; one that could fight and destroy the things that keep him from resting.
My world does not rest. He cannot sleep, even when he is tired.
My world does not feed himself, not in the way he needs to.
Sometimes, even when he needs to, he does not cry, and does not feel. He has become numb when he feels that way.
My world may be free from his past regrets, but they still keep his mind prisoner.
His mind is held captive, but all that has ever crushed him.
Memories are 3 ton construction trucks being driven over the bridges to get him through, and the bridges collapse, their weight limit exceeded.
This leaves my world stranded with the memories, and I have to watch helplessly as the memories destroy his hope of rescue, or escape.
Memories are a paralytic. They inject him with their poison, and his is unable to move.
He cannot speak, he cannot live.
They hold onto him, telling him that he is all the bad things that his bully says he is.
They say he's terrible, he's hated, and he is ruined.
The world is dying, they say, plagued and doomed, and they are glad. Good riddance, it says.
This world is full of sorrow, and pain.
He is hurting.
He is the world.
He is my world.
And I want to save him.
I want to be his protector.
I want to be his super hero, like those he has so admired throughout life.
I want to use my power to save my world, from the darkness that has overcome him.
I would be the sun.
I am the sun to shine on my world, and my powers are strong.
I am what sustains my world, too.
I give heat for his warmth, and give life to his being.
I hold my world in place, my gravity strongly carrying him through, helping to keep him going, through the days and seasons of time as he works to break free and move on.
He may think he is imprisoned to his memories, he may feel paralyzed by them.
But my ever-present love that is steady and consistent will remain with him. I am unmoved.
He is the world. He is my world, and I am the sun.
I am the sun to shine the light that chases away the darkness that dwells within my world.
And my light is what brightens and defines his colors.
And by this I will teach him.
I will tell him to remember that the sun is shining always.
The sun never goes "down", never "goes away" or "hide's behind the clouds".
NO.
The sun is ever-present, existing and giving the light that brings life, keeping the world from losing his balance, and
providing energy to sustain my world, in spite of the dull grey and blue hues.
Because I have chased away the rain and clouds, I will paint in his brilliant blue sky as a reminder that I am here, using many new bright hues of color, to show my world just how strong my love for him is.
I will use the rain, I will change how he sees it.
And these bright hues will be stretched over his sky, it will bow over my world, the entire expanse of his memories and dull grey and blue hues and the mental bully will PALE in comparison to the brilliant bow I will show.
And he will know it is from me, the sunshine for his days, and he will remember- he is so very loved.
And I will save my world. Every time.
I'm not who I was
The last time I wrote was many years ago.
My life has changed very much since then, but it has also not changed at all in some aspects.
Who am I now? Changed. I am different. I know more, I've seen more, I've been through more.
Life hit hard, and I've spent a lot of time recovering. I moved away from everyone and everything I had known. I essentially hid, because facing what was out there was too much. I was afraid for a very long time. And the fear was paralyzing. When fear causes you to feel as though your daily life needs are only able to be met by closing down, then the place you find yourself in isn't a very kind one.
I was in hell. And it was a hell I had created for myself because of the fear. What did I learn? I learned that my fear was based on something that, although I had a share in the blame, I did not own the entire thing. I was not responsible for everything bad that had happened. And that very understanding only came when I was able to admit to myself that I had held on to something that I should have let go of long ago.
I won't go into detail to protect those who need protecting, including myself. But I can say that when I think back over the last 20 years of my life I have never allowed myself to let go of things that I needed to. Losing is hard for me. I am the girl who hates losing because I felt like I've never won. Over a span of 20 years I've felt enough loss to prove this mentality. But that doesn't mean that I haven't learned how to lose without gaining.
How do you gain anything when you've lost everything? Well, that all depends on how open-minded you are. Can you see beyond the wreckage? Can you feel past the pain? Can you trust that it will not stay? That "this too will pass"?
I had to learn how to, otherwise I would have been destroyed. I would have lost myself.
I recognized that leaving behind a life without an explanation would hurt people. And I hope that one day I will have the courage to tell the story. But today I'm grateful that I haven't lost who I am.
Who am I? I am changed. I have grown. I know more, I've seen more, I've been through more.
I'm not who I was, and will never be that person again. I've let go of some things that I never thought I would of had to. But when I think about it, I'm actually relieved they're gone. Life is slowly gaining back my trust. People will take more time, but as I continue to move forward in time, I have hope that I will once again be able to believe that people are worth the risk.
But until then, I continue on, growing in strength, and not allowing the dark to overwhelm me.
My life has changed very much since then, but it has also not changed at all in some aspects.
Who am I now? Changed. I am different. I know more, I've seen more, I've been through more.
Life hit hard, and I've spent a lot of time recovering. I moved away from everyone and everything I had known. I essentially hid, because facing what was out there was too much. I was afraid for a very long time. And the fear was paralyzing. When fear causes you to feel as though your daily life needs are only able to be met by closing down, then the place you find yourself in isn't a very kind one.
I was in hell. And it was a hell I had created for myself because of the fear. What did I learn? I learned that my fear was based on something that, although I had a share in the blame, I did not own the entire thing. I was not responsible for everything bad that had happened. And that very understanding only came when I was able to admit to myself that I had held on to something that I should have let go of long ago.
I won't go into detail to protect those who need protecting, including myself. But I can say that when I think back over the last 20 years of my life I have never allowed myself to let go of things that I needed to. Losing is hard for me. I am the girl who hates losing because I felt like I've never won. Over a span of 20 years I've felt enough loss to prove this mentality. But that doesn't mean that I haven't learned how to lose without gaining.
How do you gain anything when you've lost everything? Well, that all depends on how open-minded you are. Can you see beyond the wreckage? Can you feel past the pain? Can you trust that it will not stay? That "this too will pass"?
I had to learn how to, otherwise I would have been destroyed. I would have lost myself.
I recognized that leaving behind a life without an explanation would hurt people. And I hope that one day I will have the courage to tell the story. But today I'm grateful that I haven't lost who I am.
Who am I? I am changed. I have grown. I know more, I've seen more, I've been through more.
I'm not who I was, and will never be that person again. I've let go of some things that I never thought I would of had to. But when I think about it, I'm actually relieved they're gone. Life is slowly gaining back my trust. People will take more time, but as I continue to move forward in time, I have hope that I will once again be able to believe that people are worth the risk.
But until then, I continue on, growing in strength, and not allowing the dark to overwhelm me.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
I AM SECOND, or atleast I'm gonna try to be...
I see these videos floating around about being second, and lately I'm wondering if that is the case in my life? Am I second? Do I put Christ first?
The answer is no. I haven't been. The reason is because letting go is easier said than done. Yes life is difficult and the help God brings is absolutely wanted, but stepping out of the way? That's not my specialty. My specialty is standing over God and telling Him He's missed a spot... as though He didn't already know.
Imagine I were in a race with God. This imaginary race would only have two runners, me and God. And I really need to be second, but I seriously want to be first! That's my problem. It's not my family or my friends or even my enemies. It's not the world around me or the place that pays me, it's me. ME, ME, ME.
I get in my own way. I don't let God go first because I want what coming in first gives... the glory. I want attention and gratitude. I want people to show me affection and be thankful for me. Grateful for me, PROUD to know me.
Yikes. That's horrible. I am awful sometimes, there's no denying that. And pinpointing all my misgivings is really very easy for me. I could tell you many, many things right now that I have wrong with me.
But I won't. Instead I'll tell you something else, I need to start getting this one right. For a few months now I've been desperately seeking approval by anyone and everyone who would show it to me because I've lost something that I never really had anyway... respect for myself. I'm not proud of myself, and I see no reason to be. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes and it took my sister's words last night to kind of shake me out of my own pity party... I'm not too far gone. I still have a lot to give, I just need to get this one thing right.
How can I be second? By believing God when He says to let Him go first. Life is one big dark hallway for me right now, and seriously, I need to put Him first. I need to give the Light of the World a chance to get me through this dark hallway. Why haven't I been in the first place? Why am I crazy enough to not let Him light up my path?? Because I don't trust Him enough. I've let go of my faith in Him. I've started seeking approval and all those things elsewhere... like in my Facebook friends (no offense guys) or in Church connections (again, no offense) or in family (seriously, I'm not trying to be rude). So really what I'm doing is putting people first, then me second then God's coming up behind me... imagine what that looks like for a minute... a large crowd of people... I can see their faces now, running this race with me, that was only meant for two, wow, now I can see why I feel so low lately, I'm really not second, I'm last, and God standing there with me saying, "why in the world do you want to live like this?"
I don't want to live like that. In fact, this is probably the worst I've ever felt. I spend my days worrying about how everyone else thinks of me, wondering why they don't talk to me, or worrying about whether talking to someone might make someone else upset.
My head is a blur, and my heart is a disaster. I HATE living like this. And I want out.
So really, how can I be second if I'm putting everyone else first? Well, I'm going to have to do the thing that has been nagging at my heart for a while now... I have to put God first. For real. I have to do what pleases Him, not me. I have to stop and think before I do something... anything... is this putting God first? And even simple things like watching a TV show or playing a game, making dinner, getting ready to leave, shoveling snow, changing my car oil... all those daily life routine things can get in the way of putting God first. How? By not paying attention, or giving glory, to Him. My life revolves around me right now, or more accurately it revolves around how others feel about me. So in all things that I do, I find myself worrying whether others will like me because of it, or if it will cause them to not like me.
WHY DO I EVEN STINKIN CARE???
Yep. I'm stuck in a dead end cycle. So now I'm going to do my best to end the cycle. I'm going back to my old ways of thinking... with God as my boss, and His opinion as the only one that matters. Today marks the beginning of something that's going to be difficult, but it'll be worth it.
The answer is no. I haven't been. The reason is because letting go is easier said than done. Yes life is difficult and the help God brings is absolutely wanted, but stepping out of the way? That's not my specialty. My specialty is standing over God and telling Him He's missed a spot... as though He didn't already know.
Imagine I were in a race with God. This imaginary race would only have two runners, me and God. And I really need to be second, but I seriously want to be first! That's my problem. It's not my family or my friends or even my enemies. It's not the world around me or the place that pays me, it's me. ME, ME, ME.
I get in my own way. I don't let God go first because I want what coming in first gives... the glory. I want attention and gratitude. I want people to show me affection and be thankful for me. Grateful for me, PROUD to know me.
Yikes. That's horrible. I am awful sometimes, there's no denying that. And pinpointing all my misgivings is really very easy for me. I could tell you many, many things right now that I have wrong with me.
But I won't. Instead I'll tell you something else, I need to start getting this one right. For a few months now I've been desperately seeking approval by anyone and everyone who would show it to me because I've lost something that I never really had anyway... respect for myself. I'm not proud of myself, and I see no reason to be. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes and it took my sister's words last night to kind of shake me out of my own pity party... I'm not too far gone. I still have a lot to give, I just need to get this one thing right.
How can I be second? By believing God when He says to let Him go first. Life is one big dark hallway for me right now, and seriously, I need to put Him first. I need to give the Light of the World a chance to get me through this dark hallway. Why haven't I been in the first place? Why am I crazy enough to not let Him light up my path?? Because I don't trust Him enough. I've let go of my faith in Him. I've started seeking approval and all those things elsewhere... like in my Facebook friends (no offense guys) or in Church connections (again, no offense) or in family (seriously, I'm not trying to be rude). So really what I'm doing is putting people first, then me second then God's coming up behind me... imagine what that looks like for a minute... a large crowd of people... I can see their faces now, running this race with me, that was only meant for two, wow, now I can see why I feel so low lately, I'm really not second, I'm last, and God standing there with me saying, "why in the world do you want to live like this?"
I don't want to live like that. In fact, this is probably the worst I've ever felt. I spend my days worrying about how everyone else thinks of me, wondering why they don't talk to me, or worrying about whether talking to someone might make someone else upset.
My head is a blur, and my heart is a disaster. I HATE living like this. And I want out.
So really, how can I be second if I'm putting everyone else first? Well, I'm going to have to do the thing that has been nagging at my heart for a while now... I have to put God first. For real. I have to do what pleases Him, not me. I have to stop and think before I do something... anything... is this putting God first? And even simple things like watching a TV show or playing a game, making dinner, getting ready to leave, shoveling snow, changing my car oil... all those daily life routine things can get in the way of putting God first. How? By not paying attention, or giving glory, to Him. My life revolves around me right now, or more accurately it revolves around how others feel about me. So in all things that I do, I find myself worrying whether others will like me because of it, or if it will cause them to not like me.
WHY DO I EVEN STINKIN CARE???
Yep. I'm stuck in a dead end cycle. So now I'm going to do my best to end the cycle. I'm going back to my old ways of thinking... with God as my boss, and His opinion as the only one that matters. Today marks the beginning of something that's going to be difficult, but it'll be worth it.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Clearing out
I've reached a point where everything I thought was mine is not.
I've lost many things that meant a lot.
BUT, it doesn't feel hopeless. Instead I have a feeling that Spring is going to bring a lot of newness into my life.
Yes a lot has changed, but what really matters has not. And what really matters?
I used to have this feeling like I was barely hanging on by a thread, like all I had was slipping from my grasp, and when I only focused on what I was losing I really fell into a dark place. Today that dark place is starting to see light. What matters most is what helped break through the darkness. And that is God. With all that I've seen leave my life He has been a constant.
I want to share some hope with those who have been dealing with the same struggles. If you feel like things are changing, like what you've been holding onto is slipping away don't despair! Don't lose hope! Why? Well because the One who holds onto you is much stronger than a thin thread. His grasp is infinite strength, and when you feel things are losing their grip on you that's not always a bad thing.
Change has a way of working it's way into our life. Just as the fall comes to prepare for winter, we have seasons in our life that prepare us for the bare season. I've just come through my own personal bare season. Things have changed so dramatically I wondered how I was even going to survive... whether I was going to come back from such starkness.
Think of yourself as a tree. Trees are wonderful things, but here in New England trees only grow to be lush and green because of the changing seasons. From seeds to small plants, each stage it has a season of bareness, a season where it has no leaves and is left to weather the cold and ice of winter. But a tree is not made strong from it's leaves, no, it gains it's strength from its roots. And if it's roots are strong enough they are capable of growing in any climate, and any environment.
My roots are deep in the soil of Christ. As much as I've had fall from my grasp I still stand firm and planted in His Words and Truth. NOTHING can take me from it because His Words and Truth are eternal, without an end. His love is eternal and unconditional, and that is my soil. As my roots grow stronger each year, it doesn't matter that the winter comes, because I know that Spring always returns.
And let that serve as a reminder that as things are taken out of your life it is only to make room for new things.
I used to have this feeling like I was barely hanging on by a thread, like all I had was slipping from my grasp, and when I only focused on what I was losing I really fell into a dark place. Today that dark place is starting to see light. What matters most is what helped break through the darkness. And that is God. With all that I've seen leave my life He has been a constant.
I want to share some hope with those who have been dealing with the same struggles. If you feel like things are changing, like what you've been holding onto is slipping away don't despair! Don't lose hope! Why? Well because the One who holds onto you is much stronger than a thin thread. His grasp is infinite strength, and when you feel things are losing their grip on you that's not always a bad thing.
Change has a way of working it's way into our life. Just as the fall comes to prepare for winter, we have seasons in our life that prepare us for the bare season. I've just come through my own personal bare season. Things have changed so dramatically I wondered how I was even going to survive... whether I was going to come back from such starkness.
Think of yourself as a tree. Trees are wonderful things, but here in New England trees only grow to be lush and green because of the changing seasons. From seeds to small plants, each stage it has a season of bareness, a season where it has no leaves and is left to weather the cold and ice of winter. But a tree is not made strong from it's leaves, no, it gains it's strength from its roots. And if it's roots are strong enough they are capable of growing in any climate, and any environment.
My roots are deep in the soil of Christ. As much as I've had fall from my grasp I still stand firm and planted in His Words and Truth. NOTHING can take me from it because His Words and Truth are eternal, without an end. His love is eternal and unconditional, and that is my soil. As my roots grow stronger each year, it doesn't matter that the winter comes, because I know that Spring always returns.
And let that serve as a reminder that as things are taken out of your life it is only to make room for new things.
"I've got this"
God used a pretty random place to encourage me today. I wanted to do Yoga because I've been pretty stressed out lately. (Can't really even begin to explain the strains and pressure that I've been under. So I won't release the flood of details to drown you in.) So I found myself on Amazon.com looking for instructional DVD's... not before hitting good old Google to see if I can figure it out myself... I can't... so I decided to buy a DVD. Then tricky little Amazon dangled some bait in front of my eyes about getting free shipping if I ordered only $3.82 more!! So I went hunting for a phone case... nothing really caught my eye, then I remembered a book I read while in Kenya, but couldn't remember the name of it. Haven't really read a book in a while that I liked, so I decided to go to my trusty favorite Author... Max Lucado. I put in his name and the first thing that popped up was the book;
Now maybe it was a coincidence and had nothing to do with anything. Believe what you want, but at that moment the words coming from my screen made a whole lot of sense and brought me to tears.
Goodness is my heart heavy lately.
I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I'm more sensitive than ever. Why? Because I've been shaken. Life has burnt me, broken me, tormented me... and won't let up. The minute the dust clears from one attack I barely have time to take cover for another.
I feel like I'm fighting a war.
My biggest battle has been going on for a few months now, and I was doing my best to keep from surrendering to the things that are trying to take me down, but I was barely hanging on.
Or so I thought.
One thing God has been trying to get through to me lately is that His grip on my life is not circumstantial. His hands are not wimpy, and His words are not fleeting.
My life may seem to be in the midst of a storm, but I can't help still trusting Him. And I believe Him when He says that "He's got this".
And that's what He keeps telling me.
"Dry your tears. I've got this."
But that makes me cry more. Because I can't help it.
When I thought of my future I had dreams. I wanted so much. But then life happened and I had to put it on hold. All the expectations that go along with choosing to raise my son had pushed my plans further to the future.
Ok, I said. I'll wait. I'll just raise my son. And then I started planning his future. I never expected that I'd have to deal with life changing those plans! But it has. Alas I'm having to deal with other things. Instead of buying baseball gloves and shoes for practice or worrying about sport schedules I have other kinds of scheduling struggles. Struggles that I'm not proud of and that I want to go away. But they won't. Ever.
So then God comes back in... "Stop worrying, I have a plan, I've got this"
And I hear God, but I'm still crying, because I can't help it. I've got too much on my mind.
Then I remember other things. Things like, how many times did I say I'd be patient and wait? How many times did I say I would be strong and hold to my convictions? And then the waiting started. And it's still going on. Years later. I'm going to believe, I said. No matter what. And the "what"? Is the waiting. No matter the "waiting". Friend after friend getting married, having babies... and I wait. Because that's not what my life is about right now, and I'm okay with that... sometimes... but then sometimes I'm not...
And I hear God again... "Keep waiting Jocelynn, it's all part of the plan, I've got this."
So I take a deep breath, but I'm still crying, because I'm tired. And sad. And overwhelmed. I want it to end. I want the "missiles of life" to stop dropping on me. I want the waiting to end, and I want the sadness to go away.
What's my lesson today? Though the heart is heavy, it still beats. Though the tears are many, there are still reasons to smile. And though things seem darkest than ever... it's always darkest before the dawn. The sun will rise. Winter will end, and this season has a purpose for good.
No matter the struggles, strength doesn't come when you give up, it comes when you keep going. And even if the answer is not what you expected that shouldn't make you stop trying. There are no cookie-cutter lives.
We all have our bumps and bruises, some are just more visible than others.
And remember what God said. "I've got this."
"You'll get through this: Hope and help for your turbulent times."
Now maybe it was a coincidence and had nothing to do with anything. Believe what you want, but at that moment the words coming from my screen made a whole lot of sense and brought me to tears.
Goodness is my heart heavy lately.
I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I'm more sensitive than ever. Why? Because I've been shaken. Life has burnt me, broken me, tormented me... and won't let up. The minute the dust clears from one attack I barely have time to take cover for another.
I feel like I'm fighting a war.
My biggest battle has been going on for a few months now, and I was doing my best to keep from surrendering to the things that are trying to take me down, but I was barely hanging on.
Or so I thought.
One thing God has been trying to get through to me lately is that His grip on my life is not circumstantial. His hands are not wimpy, and His words are not fleeting.
My life may seem to be in the midst of a storm, but I can't help still trusting Him. And I believe Him when He says that "He's got this".
And that's what He keeps telling me.
"Dry your tears. I've got this."
But that makes me cry more. Because I can't help it.
When I thought of my future I had dreams. I wanted so much. But then life happened and I had to put it on hold. All the expectations that go along with choosing to raise my son had pushed my plans further to the future.
Ok, I said. I'll wait. I'll just raise my son. And then I started planning his future. I never expected that I'd have to deal with life changing those plans! But it has. Alas I'm having to deal with other things. Instead of buying baseball gloves and shoes for practice or worrying about sport schedules I have other kinds of scheduling struggles. Struggles that I'm not proud of and that I want to go away. But they won't. Ever.
So then God comes back in... "Stop worrying, I have a plan, I've got this"
And I hear God, but I'm still crying, because I can't help it. I've got too much on my mind.
Then I remember other things. Things like, how many times did I say I'd be patient and wait? How many times did I say I would be strong and hold to my convictions? And then the waiting started. And it's still going on. Years later. I'm going to believe, I said. No matter what. And the "what"? Is the waiting. No matter the "waiting". Friend after friend getting married, having babies... and I wait. Because that's not what my life is about right now, and I'm okay with that... sometimes... but then sometimes I'm not...
And I hear God again... "Keep waiting Jocelynn, it's all part of the plan, I've got this."
So I take a deep breath, but I'm still crying, because I'm tired. And sad. And overwhelmed. I want it to end. I want the "missiles of life" to stop dropping on me. I want the waiting to end, and I want the sadness to go away.
What's my lesson today? Though the heart is heavy, it still beats. Though the tears are many, there are still reasons to smile. And though things seem darkest than ever... it's always darkest before the dawn. The sun will rise. Winter will end, and this season has a purpose for good.
No matter the struggles, strength doesn't come when you give up, it comes when you keep going. And even if the answer is not what you expected that shouldn't make you stop trying. There are no cookie-cutter lives.
We all have our bumps and bruises, some are just more visible than others.
And remember what God said. "I've got this."
Thursday, March 13, 2014
An unexpected apology.
The last post I made stirred up some stuff. I'm sure I ruffled some feathers, and I know it struck some nerves. But one thing remains; I was being honest about some hurt that I had been dealing with.
I didn't mean to cause offense. It wasn't meant to be hurtful to others. But it did.
A few days ago God reminded me of something I needed reminding of.. His mercies are new every morning.
I had a squabble with a co-worker the day before. It wasn't anything horrible, it was just an uncomfortable issue that made me feel disrespected and maybe a little like my presence was worthless. Or maybe that I wasn't good at my job. Which was stupid really, it was the result of stress and anxiety built up over a rough night and I shouldn't have taken it personally, but I did. I had a bad feeling in my stomach afterward and I just felt so upset by it. I went home not feeling much better. The next morning as I was driving to work I was talking to God about it. I found myself thinking about a poem written on the walls of Mother Theresa's home for children in Calcutta, India.
I had a squabble with a co-worker the day before. It wasn't anything horrible, it was just an uncomfortable issue that made me feel disrespected and maybe a little like my presence was worthless. Or maybe that I wasn't good at my job. Which was stupid really, it was the result of stress and anxiety built up over a rough night and I shouldn't have taken it personally, but I did. I had a bad feeling in my stomach afterward and I just felt so upset by it. I went home not feeling much better. The next morning as I was driving to work I was talking to God about it. I found myself thinking about a poem written on the walls of Mother Theresa's home for children in Calcutta, India.
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.
It's true you know. And the more I thought about it the more I realized I didn't want what happened to effect the kind of person I am trying to be. I have worked hard to be honest and truthful, but I've also worked hard to be a person of integrity. I knew even if I was the one wronged I needed to apologize for reacting the way that I did. I can't control other people, but I can control myself. So when I got to work I walked I over to where this person was and was following through on my intention to apologize... But something unexpected happened. She apologized to me. I was caught off guard, definitely, because I had already made up in my mind that I may not be well received.
What hit me most was that this apology did more than fix the issue with this person.. It made me realize that I don't know what's going on with other people and I shouldn't automatically assume everyone is my enemy or that they aren't going to do the right thing.
I was wrong about judging her. I admit it. What this does for my other issue is help me see from another perspective. I've done a lot of reflecting these last few weeks.. months even.. and I'm seeing something in myself that I'm not proud of through all of this. What is that? I expect other people to be untrustworthy. I expect them to fail me, and to not be reliable.
Over the years I've had to face a life of being responsible for everything. I couldn't rely on others. Some people call that independence and that it's a good thing. And I don't completely disagree, but I do think that at some point we all need to realize that we can't go at life believing that we can't rely on others.
It's called "Inter-dependence". Bleh. What a mouthful. Especially for a stubborn, introvert like me. What does inter-dependence mean?
in·ter·de·pend·ent [in-ter-di-pen-duhnt]
(adjective is a describing word.. )
Mutually dependent; depending on each other. Taken from Dictionary.com
I like how this word is defined. "Mutually dependent" Meaning it's not one person's actions, it's the actions of everyone involved. Those depending on each other all working together. Like an ant farm.
I believe that's why that apology was so successful. I wasn't the only one willing to admit my faults.
In a perfect world this interdependence thing would rule. We would all recognize the power in numbers. I recognized it early on in my life, but was always disappointed. Mostly by the people who wouldn't really be reliable anyway. But when I found myself in a church full of people that I could rely on the damage had already been done. I wasn't open to letting them into my life.
So I spent years trying to overcome my issue of not trusting others, and then everything started to change in our church, as time tends to do, and just didn't know it at the time, but it was affecting me in a negative way. I realized last night another very unattractive quality that had somehow found its way into my heart around that time... I expected these people to fix me. I felt broken and that this church was going to fix me.
NOW LISTEN CLOSELY. I am NOT saying this is a bad church. Everyone has their faults, but I am by no means saying that they are not a good place to go. This is just MY experience with MY faults, and MY issues that added together created this monster inside of ME. I know for a fact that this place has been a great help to a lot of people. So DO NOT write the church off by what I say. You should never ever judge something by someone else's experience without really looking into it for yourself. OK?? OK.
So anyway, I expected this church and the people to fix me, but what I realized is that it's not up to them to fix me. It's up to Jesus. HE is the Healer, not them. HE is the Savior, NOT THEM. So I put all this pressure on these people that they didn't know about, but I'm sure they felt it, and when things didn't go as I had wanted (which is just what would happen when you put your faith in people and not God) I was so very confused and broken and hurt. And I thought they were the ones who had broke me.
That's what that last post pretty much was about. I was pointing the finger at them. And now I know just how wrong I was. I'm sorry that I had put that on them. In all honesty I hadn't realized at that moment why I was feeling that way. And now that I understand my pain a bit more I am able to clearly go forward with the healing.
And I can't wait for these feelings to finally be gone.
I was wrong about judging her. I admit it. What this does for my other issue is help me see from another perspective. I've done a lot of reflecting these last few weeks.. months even.. and I'm seeing something in myself that I'm not proud of through all of this. What is that? I expect other people to be untrustworthy. I expect them to fail me, and to not be reliable.
Over the years I've had to face a life of being responsible for everything. I couldn't rely on others. Some people call that independence and that it's a good thing. And I don't completely disagree, but I do think that at some point we all need to realize that we can't go at life believing that we can't rely on others.
It's called "Inter-dependence". Bleh. What a mouthful. Especially for a stubborn, introvert like me. What does inter-dependence mean?
in·ter·de·pend·ent [in-ter-di-pen-duhnt]
(adjective is a describing word.. )
Mutually dependent; depending on each other. Taken from Dictionary.com
I like how this word is defined. "Mutually dependent" Meaning it's not one person's actions, it's the actions of everyone involved. Those depending on each other all working together. Like an ant farm.
I believe that's why that apology was so successful. I wasn't the only one willing to admit my faults.
In a perfect world this interdependence thing would rule. We would all recognize the power in numbers. I recognized it early on in my life, but was always disappointed. Mostly by the people who wouldn't really be reliable anyway. But when I found myself in a church full of people that I could rely on the damage had already been done. I wasn't open to letting them into my life.
So I spent years trying to overcome my issue of not trusting others, and then everything started to change in our church, as time tends to do, and just didn't know it at the time, but it was affecting me in a negative way. I realized last night another very unattractive quality that had somehow found its way into my heart around that time... I expected these people to fix me. I felt broken and that this church was going to fix me.
NOW LISTEN CLOSELY. I am NOT saying this is a bad church. Everyone has their faults, but I am by no means saying that they are not a good place to go. This is just MY experience with MY faults, and MY issues that added together created this monster inside of ME. I know for a fact that this place has been a great help to a lot of people. So DO NOT write the church off by what I say. You should never ever judge something by someone else's experience without really looking into it for yourself. OK?? OK.
So anyway, I expected this church and the people to fix me, but what I realized is that it's not up to them to fix me. It's up to Jesus. HE is the Healer, not them. HE is the Savior, NOT THEM. So I put all this pressure on these people that they didn't know about, but I'm sure they felt it, and when things didn't go as I had wanted (which is just what would happen when you put your faith in people and not God) I was so very confused and broken and hurt. And I thought they were the ones who had broke me.
That's what that last post pretty much was about. I was pointing the finger at them. And now I know just how wrong I was. I'm sorry that I had put that on them. In all honesty I hadn't realized at that moment why I was feeling that way. And now that I understand my pain a bit more I am able to clearly go forward with the healing.
And I can't wait for these feelings to finally be gone.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
7 years later...
It's been 7 years since I started my journey of getting to know God, or since I began "Dating God" and I am in a very interesting place.
And what do I have to show for those 7 years?
Maybe I'm being tested. Maybe things are like this because God wants to see what I'll do next... not like He wouldn't already know. But I know one thing for sure... I have no idea what is going on.
As for those "sheep"? I'm sure they are happy. Things are going very well for them. And I'm happy about that for them. But as hard as I've tried, joining them just isn't in the cards for me.
March 5 starts another Lent season. Ash Wednesday. And for Lent this year will I be doing anything? Sure, Dating God. That's all I've ever known to do. But this year I'm not doing it to find a husband. This year I'm doing it because I can't imagine a life without God. Maybe I'm not ever going to get married. I honestly have no desire to date, so I just don't see how that could change. No I'm not going to try online dating, and no I don't want to meet someone at a bar or on a blind date.
And what do I have to show for those 7 years?
Nearly everything I had when it started is different or gone.
Nearly everyone that once surrounded me and encouraged me at that point have moved on and are not a part of my life any longer.
I pass by the mirror sometimes and wonder who it is that I am seeing.
What happened? Has 7 years really done this to me?
I'm not in a ditch, homeless or hungry.. But I feel like I am.
What is it that has brought me to this point 7 years later? The life that I am leading is not what I expected when I made that fateful choice to date God those 7 years ago. I was under the impression that a man was waiting for me at the end of the wait, what I found was a deeper relationship with God instead. And for 7 years it hasn't changed. One thing after another has come my way, with some of the hardest struggles I've ever had to face (some coming most recently) being my constant companion.
Was it short-sighted of me to think that way? Was I being small-minded? I didn't see anyone else around me living that way after all. The others didn't follow suit. They all got married and had babies. I can't be angry at them.. that's what's expected in life. A church built of families that grow together. It's a beautiful thing.
But I wasn't one of them.
What is it that has brought me to this point 7 years later? The life that I am leading is not what I expected when I made that fateful choice to date God those 7 years ago. I was under the impression that a man was waiting for me at the end of the wait, what I found was a deeper relationship with God instead. And for 7 years it hasn't changed. One thing after another has come my way, with some of the hardest struggles I've ever had to face (some coming most recently) being my constant companion.
Was it short-sighted of me to think that way? Was I being small-minded? I didn't see anyone else around me living that way after all. The others didn't follow suit. They all got married and had babies. I can't be angry at them.. that's what's expected in life. A church built of families that grow together. It's a beautiful thing.
But I wasn't one of them.
Still.
I wasn't finding a husband, or trying to. No one could identify with me, and I had no one that made me feel any better about my life lack (or whatever you would call it). I was disappointed by my peers, those who found more interest in building a family than getting to know God in the way I had. Maybe I was being ignorant. I definitely didn't think I was better than any of them, if anything I was jealous. And I couldn't help becoming angry about it because it made me feel even more alone. I lost it a little. I convinced myself that I had no desire to be like them. I saw them as sheep, and not the good kind. No, more the kind that are too afraid to step out of their comfort zone and go talk to the Shepherd. They felt more comfortable talking to each other. (Now that DOES sound like I thought I was better than them... Doesn't it? Well, don't lose your head about it, I knew I wasn't any better.)
Enter the "poor me" syndrome i suffer from constantly, it seems, and you'd find that I was pretty bitter; and I've realized I even got a little mean... Ok maybe a lot mean. I made fun of them in my head, OK??!?!? Yes, I know I'm a jerk, you don't have to tell me.
Maybe I'm being tested. Maybe things are like this because God wants to see what I'll do next... not like He wouldn't already know. But I know one thing for sure... I have no idea what is going on.
As for those "sheep"? I'm sure they are happy. Things are going very well for them. And I'm happy about that for them. But as hard as I've tried, joining them just isn't in the cards for me.
March 5 starts another Lent season. Ash Wednesday. And for Lent this year will I be doing anything? Sure, Dating God. That's all I've ever known to do. But this year I'm not doing it to find a husband. This year I'm doing it because I can't imagine a life without God. Maybe I'm not ever going to get married. I honestly have no desire to date, so I just don't see how that could change. No I'm not going to try online dating, and no I don't want to meet someone at a bar or on a blind date.
Doomed to live alone forever. Forever single... Atleast I have a cat.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Moldy Basements
Since I've begun the destruction of the bathroom I've seen some nasty stuff. In the last post I said I was working on a list, to make right what I've done wrong. The one I'm working on right now is #1: left my parents house to get away from them.
Awful, isn't it? I didn't move out because I got married. I didn't move out because I went to college. I didn't even move out because I was ready for it. Nope. I moved out because I just couldn't live there.
There was too much drama and unsettled issues. I just wanted to leave them behind and not have to deal with them.
But do you know what ended up happening? I soon realized that my underlying issues with my parents had severely stunted my ability to make new, lasting relationships. I found myself doing the same thing over and over again... even recently. So it makes sense that God would want me back home. He wants me to fix it.
Next time I leave, it has to be the right way. But until then I have to change.
Today I was finishing up ripping out the floor. What I found was boards full of mildew. They literally crumbled in my hands. And that's when I realized.. the only way to get rid of mold and mildew is to remove it.. so the only way to get rid of the issues with my parents is the same... get rid of my parents?? No silly, I don't mean remove them! I mean remove the issues!! How exactly? Well the same way God removed the issues between us... FORGIVENESS. In case you were wondering, Jesus didn't just die to forgive the sinner.. He died so that the sinner can be forgiven so that he too could forgive! Need proof?
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32nlt
Ephesians 4:17 begins with a description on how to be "Children of the Light". Because God is Light we know that this also means "Children of God". It's a description on how to be a child of God. And it ends with this scripture of forgiving one another. God wants us to see that when we live as His children things will be a lot less messy. But He also gives a warning.. if we decide to not forgive others this is from the mouth of Jesus, Himself:
"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14-15nlt
So to bring in a colorful description... you know all those moldy walls in my bathroom? That's unforgiveness. If I leave it there it will continue to grow and corrupt perfectly good walls. But if I forgive? It is compared to removing all those moldy, crumbling walls.
If I forgive my parents I no longer have things that could ruin our relationship. We could start as though there was no mold. Because it will be gone. Just as Jesus removed my sin and healed our relationship, the issues that were between me and my parents will be gone... and we can have a new relationship.
And heck, I shouldn't stop there! I should be applying this to any relationship.
But first things first.
Gotta fix the bathroom. ;)
UMM... YUCK. RIGHT???
Awful, isn't it? I didn't move out because I got married. I didn't move out because I went to college. I didn't even move out because I was ready for it. Nope. I moved out because I just couldn't live there.
There was too much drama and unsettled issues. I just wanted to leave them behind and not have to deal with them.
But do you know what ended up happening? I soon realized that my underlying issues with my parents had severely stunted my ability to make new, lasting relationships. I found myself doing the same thing over and over again... even recently. So it makes sense that God would want me back home. He wants me to fix it.
Next time I leave, it has to be the right way. But until then I have to change.
Today I was finishing up ripping out the floor. What I found was boards full of mildew. They literally crumbled in my hands. And that's when I realized.. the only way to get rid of mold and mildew is to remove it.. so the only way to get rid of the issues with my parents is the same... get rid of my parents?? No silly, I don't mean remove them! I mean remove the issues!! How exactly? Well the same way God removed the issues between us... FORGIVENESS. In case you were wondering, Jesus didn't just die to forgive the sinner.. He died so that the sinner can be forgiven so that he too could forgive! Need proof?
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32nlt
Ephesians 4:17 begins with a description on how to be "Children of the Light". Because God is Light we know that this also means "Children of God". It's a description on how to be a child of God. And it ends with this scripture of forgiving one another. God wants us to see that when we live as His children things will be a lot less messy. But He also gives a warning.. if we decide to not forgive others this is from the mouth of Jesus, Himself:
"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14-15nlt
So to bring in a colorful description... you know all those moldy walls in my bathroom? That's unforgiveness. If I leave it there it will continue to grow and corrupt perfectly good walls. But if I forgive? It is compared to removing all those moldy, crumbling walls.
If I forgive my parents I no longer have things that could ruin our relationship. We could start as though there was no mold. Because it will be gone. Just as Jesus removed my sin and healed our relationship, the issues that were between me and my parents will be gone... and we can have a new relationship.
And heck, I shouldn't stop there! I should be applying this to any relationship.
But first things first.
Gotta fix the bathroom. ;)UMM... YUCK. RIGHT???
Friday, January 17, 2014
Change. To say the least.
Things have changed here. I'm living with new feelings and have new issues to deal with.
What happens when we face such things like that? What happens when our world turns upside down and those you thought you could trust become the very ones you have to protect yourself from?
Do we close ourselves off? Do we shut down and push people away? I've got things like that I've been thinking about. And I'm sure those who think they are helping with their opinion don't realize the mess they are actually making is worse than if they had just let me deal with these new issues on my own.
I'm just realizing how the things I thought would happen are not going to. I thought I'd still be at the same church, I thought I'd be neck deep in a ministry. I thought I'd have another book in the midst. Instead, everything has changed. I've had to leave my church home of 14 years and move out of the area my son has grown up in, back to my old stomping grounds. I cringe thinking about where I am, but what I've realized with this change brings a newness. I can actually start over. Maybe right now I'm going to have to stay put, but there's this desire in me to chase a dream I've wanted to live out since I was a teenager...
So when things turn upside down I suggest to look closely, because you will be seeing things from a new point of view. Things that you thought worked for you, you'll see they were more for comfort than necessity. I don't suggest staying somewhere just because you don't want to move on. Because God has plain as day removed me from the things I knew were only in my life for comfort. Why? Is God cruel? No. It's the same idea as not letting a 14 year old hold on to a safety blanket from when he was a baby, this child needs to learn how to become an adult. They need to learn to stand up and be who they were meant to be. And sometimes if the "bird" insists on staying in a nest instead of flying the "momma bird" will take it on herself to push that baby out of the nest.
Today I feel like I've been pushed out of the nest. And now I have no choice but to fly. So with a new year already in motion.. and an open opportunity to do whatever I want to do I'm going to start from scratch. I'm going to do the things I've put off and change the things I should have in the past.
It's not a bucket list.. no it's more like the list from "My name is Earl". He wrote a list of the things he needed to make up for, to make the wrongs he did right. Maybe I wasn't a horrible person, but I have a list of things I wished I could have made right. And first on my list? My parents. I live in their basement apartment and it's in need of attention, majorly. At the moment the bathroom has my attention. Last night I tore up the floor (that had ginormous holes in it) and today my plan is to fix that.
Wish me luck people... this year has lots of things to make up for, and they aren't going to be easy!
Before...
What happens when we face such things like that? What happens when our world turns upside down and those you thought you could trust become the very ones you have to protect yourself from?
Do we close ourselves off? Do we shut down and push people away? I've got things like that I've been thinking about. And I'm sure those who think they are helping with their opinion don't realize the mess they are actually making is worse than if they had just let me deal with these new issues on my own.
I'm just realizing how the things I thought would happen are not going to. I thought I'd still be at the same church, I thought I'd be neck deep in a ministry. I thought I'd have another book in the midst. Instead, everything has changed. I've had to leave my church home of 14 years and move out of the area my son has grown up in, back to my old stomping grounds. I cringe thinking about where I am, but what I've realized with this change brings a newness. I can actually start over. Maybe right now I'm going to have to stay put, but there's this desire in me to chase a dream I've wanted to live out since I was a teenager...
So when things turn upside down I suggest to look closely, because you will be seeing things from a new point of view. Things that you thought worked for you, you'll see they were more for comfort than necessity. I don't suggest staying somewhere just because you don't want to move on. Because God has plain as day removed me from the things I knew were only in my life for comfort. Why? Is God cruel? No. It's the same idea as not letting a 14 year old hold on to a safety blanket from when he was a baby, this child needs to learn how to become an adult. They need to learn to stand up and be who they were meant to be. And sometimes if the "bird" insists on staying in a nest instead of flying the "momma bird" will take it on herself to push that baby out of the nest.
Today I feel like I've been pushed out of the nest. And now I have no choice but to fly. So with a new year already in motion.. and an open opportunity to do whatever I want to do I'm going to start from scratch. I'm going to do the things I've put off and change the things I should have in the past.
It's not a bucket list.. no it's more like the list from "My name is Earl". He wrote a list of the things he needed to make up for, to make the wrongs he did right. Maybe I wasn't a horrible person, but I have a list of things I wished I could have made right. And first on my list? My parents. I live in their basement apartment and it's in need of attention, majorly. At the moment the bathroom has my attention. Last night I tore up the floor (that had ginormous holes in it) and today my plan is to fix that.
Wish me luck people... this year has lots of things to make up for, and they aren't going to be easy!
Before...
Monday, December 30, 2013
Unconditional
I know it's been awhile since I've written.
Things are pretty bad here in the heart and home of Jossyb. But I shall spare you the drama. Because there are more important things at hand! Like unconditional words.
What does unconditional mean?
Well first of all it's an adjective. "In grammar, an adjective is a 'describing' word; the main syntactic role of which is to qualify a noun or noun phrase, giving more information about the object signified." ~Taken from the always informative Wikipedia!
Second its meaning is pretty simple;
without conditions or limitations
So there it is.
But I'm thinking about unconditional LOVE. So now we see another simple meaning;
affection with no limits or conditions; complete love
You know, that's one difficult word, unconditional. You could pare it up with lots of words and it changes the meaning to something much more than it was before.
Unconditional Faith.
Unconditional Trust.
Unconditional Truth.
Unconditional Help.
See? Those words just got very different, simply with the word unconditional in front of them. I just love what that word does to those other words.
Funny story, I've experienced a lot over the last few months that have strengthened my desire for those things. Never thought I'd ever have to deal with the things I'm dealing with today. Never imagined my life to be like this. But one thing remains; life's trials do not have to break me, or my belief.
If anything I cling to them stronger than ever. Unconditional love? I do understand it a bit more now. I've had to practice it. I've had to love someone without conditions. Has it been difficult? You bet your sweet butt it has been. Knowing the things I do about some of the people in my life I've had to adjust my way of thinking. One thing I've always practiced is that people are separate from their actions. I live this way because we can change our actions. We can choose how we act. I also live according to the belief that we all have free will. We have the freedom to act as we choose.
This can be a problem in a few ways. The biggest is that our choice on how to act may not be how someone else would act and that someone else might become very difficult because of it. But the beauty of free will is that we also have the freedom to live how we desire, in spite of those people.
Oh dear. I think I've just started another three part-er... You know, I never mean for these things to happen because I go into these things with the intention of just a simple conversation... yet as soon as I begin to type I suddenly realize the things I'm talking about are not as simple as I expect.
My intention with this topic was simple, talk about the word unconditional. But it's become quite clear that although the topic has a simple definition, it does NOT have a simple explanation.
I want it to be understood through my perspective, the way I see it.. and you can take it however you want.
I've come to realize having no conditions tends to remove the boundaries that surround the things we have boundaries around. If you have conditions on why you love someone, such as you would only love someone as long as they do not hurt you or make you feel badly, then that is pretty acceptable in most peoples eyes.
But once you cross over into the unconditional love territory you've opened up something that not everyone can get behind.
Unconditional love sounds lovely at first. It sounds romantic even... but the reality of it is more than we even can grasp. When you love someone without conditions that means NO MATTER WHAT. Someone could beat the crap out of you, steal from you, lie to you, ruin you.. but that won't stop the unconditional part.
Once you think of it that way it stops being so romantic, doesn't it?
What about unconditional faith? Or trust? Trusting or having faith in someone without conditions. Meaning I will trust you and you won't have to do anything in return.
I guess I never realized how powerful that word really is.
A lot can happen in a few short days.. it only took 1 day to change my life as I knew it. That day was Thanksgiving Day.
And in that 1 day I began a new journey to practice unconditional words. I've found that I can't expect those words from those who do not even understand them, which doesn't give me an excuse to not show it to those very people.
I've had a difficult few months. All that I knew is now changed. The only thing that remains is my one constant; and that is Jesus. The one who claimed and perfectly executed the very definition of unconditional words.
The other day I found something that has reminded me of why I need to press on and continue to practice those things. It was something a friend wrote down for me on an index card. I don't know where she got it from, but I know it's been very helpful.
"When something bad happens you have three choices. 1. You can let it define you. 2. You can let it destroy you. or 3. You can let it strengthen you."
Something bad has happened. Life is much more difficult than ever. BUT if I give in to all the chaos and negative things now I will have to live with the consequences. All those who are around me that know what's going on have voiced their opinions. They've had their say. And now I'm done listening to those people.
I've stopped listening to them because I don't want opinions from people who don't understand the words that I hold so tightly to. Those people live in fear, they act out in fear, and they thrive on fear.
Me? I choose to only fear 1 thing; God.
Everything else is just noise.
Things are pretty bad here in the heart and home of Jossyb. But I shall spare you the drama. Because there are more important things at hand! Like unconditional words.
What does unconditional mean?
Well first of all it's an adjective. "In grammar, an adjective is a 'describing' word; the main syntactic role of which is to qualify a noun or noun phrase, giving more information about the object signified." ~Taken from the always informative Wikipedia!
Second its meaning is pretty simple;
without conditions or limitations
So there it is.
But I'm thinking about unconditional LOVE. So now we see another simple meaning;
affection with no limits or conditions; complete love
You know, that's one difficult word, unconditional. You could pare it up with lots of words and it changes the meaning to something much more than it was before.
Unconditional Faith.
Unconditional Trust.
Unconditional Truth.
Unconditional Help.
See? Those words just got very different, simply with the word unconditional in front of them. I just love what that word does to those other words.
Funny story, I've experienced a lot over the last few months that have strengthened my desire for those things. Never thought I'd ever have to deal with the things I'm dealing with today. Never imagined my life to be like this. But one thing remains; life's trials do not have to break me, or my belief.
If anything I cling to them stronger than ever. Unconditional love? I do understand it a bit more now. I've had to practice it. I've had to love someone without conditions. Has it been difficult? You bet your sweet butt it has been. Knowing the things I do about some of the people in my life I've had to adjust my way of thinking. One thing I've always practiced is that people are separate from their actions. I live this way because we can change our actions. We can choose how we act. I also live according to the belief that we all have free will. We have the freedom to act as we choose.
This can be a problem in a few ways. The biggest is that our choice on how to act may not be how someone else would act and that someone else might become very difficult because of it. But the beauty of free will is that we also have the freedom to live how we desire, in spite of those people.
Oh dear. I think I've just started another three part-er... You know, I never mean for these things to happen because I go into these things with the intention of just a simple conversation... yet as soon as I begin to type I suddenly realize the things I'm talking about are not as simple as I expect.
My intention with this topic was simple, talk about the word unconditional. But it's become quite clear that although the topic has a simple definition, it does NOT have a simple explanation.
I want it to be understood through my perspective, the way I see it.. and you can take it however you want.
I've come to realize having no conditions tends to remove the boundaries that surround the things we have boundaries around. If you have conditions on why you love someone, such as you would only love someone as long as they do not hurt you or make you feel badly, then that is pretty acceptable in most peoples eyes.
But once you cross over into the unconditional love territory you've opened up something that not everyone can get behind.
Unconditional love sounds lovely at first. It sounds romantic even... but the reality of it is more than we even can grasp. When you love someone without conditions that means NO MATTER WHAT. Someone could beat the crap out of you, steal from you, lie to you, ruin you.. but that won't stop the unconditional part.
Once you think of it that way it stops being so romantic, doesn't it?
What about unconditional faith? Or trust? Trusting or having faith in someone without conditions. Meaning I will trust you and you won't have to do anything in return.
I guess I never realized how powerful that word really is.
A lot can happen in a few short days.. it only took 1 day to change my life as I knew it. That day was Thanksgiving Day.
And in that 1 day I began a new journey to practice unconditional words. I've found that I can't expect those words from those who do not even understand them, which doesn't give me an excuse to not show it to those very people.
I've had a difficult few months. All that I knew is now changed. The only thing that remains is my one constant; and that is Jesus. The one who claimed and perfectly executed the very definition of unconditional words.
The other day I found something that has reminded me of why I need to press on and continue to practice those things. It was something a friend wrote down for me on an index card. I don't know where she got it from, but I know it's been very helpful.
"When something bad happens you have three choices. 1. You can let it define you. 2. You can let it destroy you. or 3. You can let it strengthen you."
Something bad has happened. Life is much more difficult than ever. BUT if I give in to all the chaos and negative things now I will have to live with the consequences. All those who are around me that know what's going on have voiced their opinions. They've had their say. And now I'm done listening to those people.
I've stopped listening to them because I don't want opinions from people who don't understand the words that I hold so tightly to. Those people live in fear, they act out in fear, and they thrive on fear.
Me? I choose to only fear 1 thing; God.
Everything else is just noise.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
The Aftermath
What did I learn from my rant yesterday? I learned that I don't really feel that way. I was just desiring to get the junk out of my head and heart.
Can I tell you how grateful I am for those people of the Church that I looked to as family? I realize yesterday I was kind of a jerk, but that was yesterday. Today God was able to help me work through all that mess of feelings and I can see better just how much they helped me become who I am today.
So many courageous women have shown me to not back down and move forward even when things seem to be at their worst...
From Debbie Pike to Sheila Chittum, Michelle Desrochers (aka Mama D), Laura Blakney, Mary Gay Smith, Kathy Dunton, Dee Corriveau, Pastor Babs, Jean Barry, Amy Passas, Linda Wright, Tammy Hickey, Linda Limanni, Dot Morgan, Patty Romero, Marilyn Page, Tamara Schafar, Sue West, June Chesbrough, Laurine Younas, Aleida, Elaine Michaud, Loraina Estabrook, Sheila Hall, Pam McCauley, Shauna Kaplan, Sharon Hurley, Verna Keefe, Pat Guinta, and the very missed Joan Douglass.
There's some I'm leaving out, I'm sure.. but there are so many that helped me get through some very rough times in my life. And I want them to know I haven't forgotten.
These ladies made an impression on me, and I get my courage from the strength they showed. These ladies have faced some rough waters and never backed down. They are stronger to me because of their love for Christ, and dependence on God. They've shown me that walking with Jesus in this life is not always easy, but its always worth it.
I watched these ladies over the years, and found that the answers don't always come easy. Sometimes you have to wait for them, sometimes you have to fight for them, sometimes you have to search for them, and sometimes they don't ever come at all. But its never a reason to quit. Backing down isn't an option.
I can't say enough about these ladies. They were a strength when I needed it. I am forever grateful. I think yesterdays rant was actually more about the fact that so much is changing, and its been hard on me. My job has changed, my address is changing, and now I'm changing churches... From someone who loves change even I'm feeling a little bit dizzy.
But I'm positive this change is for the good. I know God has a purpose for me in this new endeavor, and I am going to have faith and believe its for the Good of His Kingdom, and my life.
Maybe things are a little erratic at the moment. But I can see by the example these ladies left for me that I'm going to get through it. And when I do I'll be that much stronger.
So thanks Ladies. Thank you for being who I needed, when I needed it!
Can I tell you how grateful I am for those people of the Church that I looked to as family? I realize yesterday I was kind of a jerk, but that was yesterday. Today God was able to help me work through all that mess of feelings and I can see better just how much they helped me become who I am today.
So many courageous women have shown me to not back down and move forward even when things seem to be at their worst...
From Debbie Pike to Sheila Chittum, Michelle Desrochers (aka Mama D), Laura Blakney, Mary Gay Smith, Kathy Dunton, Dee Corriveau, Pastor Babs, Jean Barry, Amy Passas, Linda Wright, Tammy Hickey, Linda Limanni, Dot Morgan, Patty Romero, Marilyn Page, Tamara Schafar, Sue West, June Chesbrough, Laurine Younas, Aleida, Elaine Michaud, Loraina Estabrook, Sheila Hall, Pam McCauley, Shauna Kaplan, Sharon Hurley, Verna Keefe, Pat Guinta, and the very missed Joan Douglass.
There's some I'm leaving out, I'm sure.. but there are so many that helped me get through some very rough times in my life. And I want them to know I haven't forgotten.
These ladies made an impression on me, and I get my courage from the strength they showed. These ladies have faced some rough waters and never backed down. They are stronger to me because of their love for Christ, and dependence on God. They've shown me that walking with Jesus in this life is not always easy, but its always worth it.
I watched these ladies over the years, and found that the answers don't always come easy. Sometimes you have to wait for them, sometimes you have to fight for them, sometimes you have to search for them, and sometimes they don't ever come at all. But its never a reason to quit. Backing down isn't an option.
I can't say enough about these ladies. They were a strength when I needed it. I am forever grateful. I think yesterdays rant was actually more about the fact that so much is changing, and its been hard on me. My job has changed, my address is changing, and now I'm changing churches... From someone who loves change even I'm feeling a little bit dizzy.
But I'm positive this change is for the good. I know God has a purpose for me in this new endeavor, and I am going to have faith and believe its for the Good of His Kingdom, and my life.
Maybe things are a little erratic at the moment. But I can see by the example these ladies left for me that I'm going to get through it. And when I do I'll be that much stronger.
So thanks Ladies. Thank you for being who I needed, when I needed it!
Monday, November 18, 2013
Square Peg, Round hole kinda feeling
Funny story, I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. I tried really hard to do just that in my surroundings, but you know what I got from that?
I was told that I was scary.
Yeah, maybe I'm loud, and crazy... but my heart is genuine, and it seriously hurt me when the people I expected to be more accepting turned out to be more hypocritical.
It doesn't matter who I mean, what matters is how I'm going to react to it.
So maybe people don't get me. Okay, I can be a bit of a puzzle, I guess, but what I'm really finding is that it's more that the people I'm trying to get to see me are actually more blind than they realize. I find it funny that in Christianity it's promoted to be forgiving, full of mercy, grace, and truth.. but those are the very things that are never really shown. Don't agree? Well that's fine, you can have your own opinion in this, but the one place I have had to fight for those very things is not usually the outside world, it's within the walls of the Church and the hearts of the Christians who occupy them.
Don't take this wrong, I am NOT saying they are horrible people. They aren't. But I am saying that its a bit frustrating finding those very people who are supposed to be there for you because you are "family" to be the least likely to help.
You know what's ironic? I sought out comfort from a church because I felt like a black sheep in my family, but instead of feeling welcome and part of them I feel more like a black sheep than ever. Maybe it's just me being a girl, who knows, I do tend to over-think things.. but I just can't shake the feeling that I am always the one that not many understands, even fewer reaches out to, and very little sympathize with.
I'm trying to break this down, because it happens a lot to me. And I just can't seem to figure it out. What I've come up with is that I'm not one that hides the fact that I'm tired, or cranky, or frustrated.. but I also hate it when people assume somethings wrong if there isn't a smile plastered on my face. There must be a problem, or something wrong if Jossyb isn't smiling, cause God knows you should always be smiling!!
No. You are confusing me with Barbie. She always has a smile on her face, that's why they pay her the big bucks. Me?... If I'm anything I'm honest. I'd rather tell you the truth then lie and here's the truth, you need to get to know me more because I have more emotions than just being happy. And one of them is feeling calm. You know what that looks like? Me not jumping around or smiling. I'm BEING CALM.
People drive me crazy. I analyze myself enough, I don't want a million people doing it as well, and if I wanted to I'd go to a freaking psychologist thank you.
I know this seems like I can't stand people, but I really do still like people in spite of how annoying they can be. Go ahead, correct my grammar... suck the fun out of new things for me, ruin surprises, eat my candy, take my stuff... but I'm not kidding when I say you'll always have a friend in me. I'm just wired that way.
I don't like being that person that holds things against another. I have this crazy desire to separate a person from their actions.. but giving a person freedom to change is not ideal in a world full of people who want the bad guy to suffer instead of get better. If anything its made me more enemies than friends. How dare I want someone to change for the good? They must be punished forever!! But I'm not that person. I'm simply that person that wants that from others.. If I make a stupid mistake I'd like to know that there is someone in my life who'll say that my mistakes don't define me, my triumph's do.
So maybe this is why I'm so horribly frustrated with people stating I am scary. If anything I'm the least of their worries. Unless the truth is what really scares them. And I'm sorry, but it is in my DNA to be honest. I can't help it. If you want to know whether I think you are an idiot or not for something you did I'll tell you, otherwise don't ask me and then label me scary for telling you the truth. And next time you see me and I'm not smiling don't automatically jump to the conclusion that something is wrong. And don't ask me how I'm feeling. I hate that.
No worries though. We'll still be cool. Unless you eat my last bit of ice cream... than all bets are off.
I was told that I was scary.
Yeah, maybe I'm loud, and crazy... but my heart is genuine, and it seriously hurt me when the people I expected to be more accepting turned out to be more hypocritical.
It doesn't matter who I mean, what matters is how I'm going to react to it.
So maybe people don't get me. Okay, I can be a bit of a puzzle, I guess, but what I'm really finding is that it's more that the people I'm trying to get to see me are actually more blind than they realize. I find it funny that in Christianity it's promoted to be forgiving, full of mercy, grace, and truth.. but those are the very things that are never really shown. Don't agree? Well that's fine, you can have your own opinion in this, but the one place I have had to fight for those very things is not usually the outside world, it's within the walls of the Church and the hearts of the Christians who occupy them.
Don't take this wrong, I am NOT saying they are horrible people. They aren't. But I am saying that its a bit frustrating finding those very people who are supposed to be there for you because you are "family" to be the least likely to help.
You know what's ironic? I sought out comfort from a church because I felt like a black sheep in my family, but instead of feeling welcome and part of them I feel more like a black sheep than ever. Maybe it's just me being a girl, who knows, I do tend to over-think things.. but I just can't shake the feeling that I am always the one that not many understands, even fewer reaches out to, and very little sympathize with.
I'm trying to break this down, because it happens a lot to me. And I just can't seem to figure it out. What I've come up with is that I'm not one that hides the fact that I'm tired, or cranky, or frustrated.. but I also hate it when people assume somethings wrong if there isn't a smile plastered on my face. There must be a problem, or something wrong if Jossyb isn't smiling, cause God knows you should always be smiling!!
No. You are confusing me with Barbie. She always has a smile on her face, that's why they pay her the big bucks. Me?... If I'm anything I'm honest. I'd rather tell you the truth then lie and here's the truth, you need to get to know me more because I have more emotions than just being happy. And one of them is feeling calm. You know what that looks like? Me not jumping around or smiling. I'm BEING CALM.
People drive me crazy. I analyze myself enough, I don't want a million people doing it as well, and if I wanted to I'd go to a freaking psychologist thank you.
I know this seems like I can't stand people, but I really do still like people in spite of how annoying they can be. Go ahead, correct my grammar... suck the fun out of new things for me, ruin surprises, eat my candy, take my stuff... but I'm not kidding when I say you'll always have a friend in me. I'm just wired that way.
I don't like being that person that holds things against another. I have this crazy desire to separate a person from their actions.. but giving a person freedom to change is not ideal in a world full of people who want the bad guy to suffer instead of get better. If anything its made me more enemies than friends. How dare I want someone to change for the good? They must be punished forever!! But I'm not that person. I'm simply that person that wants that from others.. If I make a stupid mistake I'd like to know that there is someone in my life who'll say that my mistakes don't define me, my triumph's do.
So maybe this is why I'm so horribly frustrated with people stating I am scary. If anything I'm the least of their worries. Unless the truth is what really scares them. And I'm sorry, but it is in my DNA to be honest. I can't help it. If you want to know whether I think you are an idiot or not for something you did I'll tell you, otherwise don't ask me and then label me scary for telling you the truth. And next time you see me and I'm not smiling don't automatically jump to the conclusion that something is wrong. And don't ask me how I'm feeling. I hate that.
No worries though. We'll still be cool. Unless you eat my last bit of ice cream... than all bets are off.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Dreams and such...
I was wondering when God was going to lead me to write about this. You see I've had one of the craziest, but also very loud and to the point, dreams.
It happened years ago, but I can still see it like it happened last night.
In the dream I was in a corporate building in Heaven. God was sitting at a large opening in a wall with all His heavenly creatures around Him. He had boxes full and piled around Him that He was taking one by one and throwing out the opening down to the Middle Eastern countries.. you know, all those "taboo" places where everyone would rather not go because of the wars and fighting and such. I looked at another pile of boxes and grabbed one labeled "death and famine" and thought I could help and threw it out the opening down to them. I stood looking out the opening, proud of myself for helping, and then turned to God and all the creatures. They were all staring at me, and not in a good way.
Then I noticed the boxes God have been throwing down.
They were marked "food and blessings".
That's when I woke up.
What's the point of me telling you this? That it's quite possible the people of God are making the same mistake all over again.
Jesus told a parable of the good Samaritan. He spoke this parable in response to a man who was an expert in religious law. The man asked Jesus what he needed to do to inherit eternal life.
We find this story in Luke 10:25-37(nlt)
What I take from this is that we need to consider everyone around us our neighbor. In this story Jesus told even the Priest and Temple assistant walked away from someone who should be considered their neighbor.. they chose to ignore the needs. But a man who was a stranger to the hurt man stopped and helped. We do not know who this man was, whether a Jew or Gentile, but we do know that it didn't matter to this man.
The Jews had a major issue caring about anyone outside of their "People". Don't hear me wrong. I'm not saying they should be chastised or punished for this. What I'm saying is don't make the same mistake.
Over and over God gave His people a chance to be a light to the world. Telling them to shine His glory. To show of His greatness, His love, and His faithfulness. FOR ALL. But all throughout the history of the Israelite's you see the same thing.. they seem to think that God only had room for them in His love.
God became fed up with this. He didn't want it to continue, so He sent Jesus. Jesus came to seek and save Jew AND Gentile. All who wanted Grace got it. All who sought Mercy found it. All who needed healing received it. Jesus didn't ever deny someone based on whether they were a Jew or not.
Today we live in a world so divided. There are lines drawn everywhere of who to help and who to ignore. This person is lazy, this person believes crazy things, this person has too much.
The same things that applied then should apply today. I believe God gave me this dream because we are making war with a people that God wants to know that He loves too. He EXEMPTS NO ONE. He does not base His love on anything other than the heart of the believer. People base their kindness on who the receiver is and whether they deserve it. But what I think is that no one really deserves kindness. We all mess up and make horrible decisions and terrible mistakes.
We think awful things, we do awful things.
And sometimes I wonder, do we exclude people for the same reason Jonah didn't want God to show compassion and mercy to Nineveh?
What a miserable man Jonah was. He was so angry God loved all people, instead of just his people. And why? No good reason I can think of. People need to take from this one thing.. NO ONE is above another. We all belong to the same God, and He loves us all. He's there to show His mercy and compassion to ALL. Not just Jews. Not just Christians. ALL.
It happened years ago, but I can still see it like it happened last night.
In the dream I was in a corporate building in Heaven. God was sitting at a large opening in a wall with all His heavenly creatures around Him. He had boxes full and piled around Him that He was taking one by one and throwing out the opening down to the Middle Eastern countries.. you know, all those "taboo" places where everyone would rather not go because of the wars and fighting and such. I looked at another pile of boxes and grabbed one labeled "death and famine" and thought I could help and threw it out the opening down to them. I stood looking out the opening, proud of myself for helping, and then turned to God and all the creatures. They were all staring at me, and not in a good way.
Then I noticed the boxes God have been throwing down.
They were marked "food and blessings".
That's when I woke up.
What's the point of me telling you this? That it's quite possible the people of God are making the same mistake all over again.
Jesus told a parable of the good Samaritan. He spoke this parable in response to a man who was an expert in religious law. The man asked Jesus what he needed to do to inherit eternal life.
We find this story in Luke 10:25-37(nlt)
The Most Important Commandment
One day an expert in religious law stood up to test Jesus by asking him this question: “Teacher, what should I do to inherit eternal life?”
Jesus replied, “What does the law of Moses say? How do you read it?”
The man answered, “‘You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.’ And, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”c
“Right!” Jesus told him. “Do this and you will live!”
The man wanted to justify his actions, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”
Parable of the Good Samaritan
Jesus replied with a story: “A Jewish man was traveling from Jerusalem down to Jericho, and he was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him up, and left him half dead beside the road.
“By chance a priest came along. But when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed him by. A Temple assistant walked over and looked at him lying there, but he also passed by on the other side.
“Then a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins, telling him, ‘Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I’ll pay you the next time I’m here.’
“Now which of these three would you say was a neighbor to the man who was attacked by bandits?” Jesus asked.
The man replied, “The one who showed him mercy.”
Then Jesus said, “Yes, now go and do the same.”
What I take from this is that we need to consider everyone around us our neighbor. In this story Jesus told even the Priest and Temple assistant walked away from someone who should be considered their neighbor.. they chose to ignore the needs. But a man who was a stranger to the hurt man stopped and helped. We do not know who this man was, whether a Jew or Gentile, but we do know that it didn't matter to this man.
The Jews had a major issue caring about anyone outside of their "People". Don't hear me wrong. I'm not saying they should be chastised or punished for this. What I'm saying is don't make the same mistake.
Over and over God gave His people a chance to be a light to the world. Telling them to shine His glory. To show of His greatness, His love, and His faithfulness. FOR ALL. But all throughout the history of the Israelite's you see the same thing.. they seem to think that God only had room for them in His love.
God became fed up with this. He didn't want it to continue, so He sent Jesus. Jesus came to seek and save Jew AND Gentile. All who wanted Grace got it. All who sought Mercy found it. All who needed healing received it. Jesus didn't ever deny someone based on whether they were a Jew or not.
Today we live in a world so divided. There are lines drawn everywhere of who to help and who to ignore. This person is lazy, this person believes crazy things, this person has too much.
The same things that applied then should apply today. I believe God gave me this dream because we are making war with a people that God wants to know that He loves too. He EXEMPTS NO ONE. He does not base His love on anything other than the heart of the believer. People base their kindness on who the receiver is and whether they deserve it. But what I think is that no one really deserves kindness. We all mess up and make horrible decisions and terrible mistakes.
We think awful things, we do awful things.
And sometimes I wonder, do we exclude people for the same reason Jonah didn't want God to show compassion and mercy to Nineveh?
Jonah’s Anger at the LORD’s Mercy
This change of plans greatly upset Jonah, and he became very angry. So he complained to the LORD about it: “Didn’t I say before I left home that you would do this, LORD? That is why I ran away to Tarshish! I knew that you are a merciful and compassionate God, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. You are eager to turn back from destroying people. Just kill me now, LORD! I’d rather be dead than alive if what I predicted will not happen.”
The LORD replied, “Is it right for you to be angry about this?”
Then Jonah went out to the east side of the city and made a shelter to sit under as he waited to see what would happen to the city. And the LORD God arranged for a leafy plant to grow there, and soon it spread its broad leaves over Jonah’s head, shading him from the sun. This eased his discomfort, and Jonah was very grateful for the plant.
But God also arranged for a worm! The next morning at dawn the worm ate through the stem of the plant so that it withered away. And as the sun grew hot, God arranged for a scorching east wind to blow on Jonah. The sun beat down on his head until he grew faint and wished to die. “Death is certainly better than living like this!” he exclaimed.
Then God said to Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry because the plant died?”
“Yes,” Jonah retorted, “even angry enough to die!”
Then the LORD said, “You feel sorry about the plant, though you did nothing to put it there. It came quickly and died quickly. But Nineveh has more than 120,000 people living in spiritual darkness, not to mention all the animals. Shouldn’t I feel sorry for such a great city?”
What a miserable man Jonah was. He was so angry God loved all people, instead of just his people. And why? No good reason I can think of. People need to take from this one thing.. NO ONE is above another. We all belong to the same God, and He loves us all. He's there to show His mercy and compassion to ALL. Not just Jews. Not just Christians. ALL.
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. -2 Peter 3:9(niv)
Friday, November 1, 2013
Let's Talk about the Cross Part 3
So what is this Greater Purpose I keep talking about? Why am I so obsessed with it???
Well that's easy, its the reason we are all here!
The Bible is one amazing book, if you ask me, and it's full of a lot of amazing stories. To some they are just too crazy to believe. A man being swallowed whole by a whale... then spit back out, no harm done... people being healed of birth defects and blindness and broken or useless limbs becoming like new... donkey's talking, a Red Sea Parting, a whole earth flooding... it was crazy!
What if you let yourself believe the things of the bible? The good and the bad? The stuff that scares you and the stuff that you crave and desire most? What's so wrong with believing in it? Why is everyone so scared of it?? It really is strange to me that a book of books is considered dangerous to some and a myth to others. Its a lifeline, or a table leveler. Some read it as a last resort, some read it as the only way they've ever known.
But there's something to be said here.. there's no way this book means nothing.
From Genesis to Revelation this book is the beginning of one thing and the end of another. Jewish literature teaches the first part, also known as the Old Testament, but refused the second part... the New Testament.
Why? Because of Jesus.
The Gospels tell a story about a man born to a virgin, from an immaculate birth in a time when life seemed to have lost all hope for a Great people. These people were set apart by God Himself, as a Light to the World. They were the shining example of God's love and faithfulness. But these people messed up. They became prideful and convinced of their own importance. They believed that God only loved them, they didn't pay attention to stories such as the one of Rahab who helped Joshua's spies by hiding them from the King. She wasn't a Jew, yet she craved the love and protection of their God, and didn't stop until she got it. And not only did she become adopted into the family of the Jews, but she was an ancestor in the line of King David! And Jesus Christ!
There's something to say about that! Maybe there is no special people in the way that it's been told. The way I read it those people were supposed to be a shining example of Who God Is but instead they acted like completely spoiled brats. Having to be told constantly that they needed to change or else God would cut them off... What do I mean? Well, there are books included of Prophets who were sent to the Jews to speak on God's behalf. These men (and women) were sent to deliver a message. Most messages were about God's grace, but there were many about His disappointment. 16 books of Prophets telling about the failing of people and the coming of something new that would change the old ways. Because the old ways failed too. People weren't getting it. They knew what it would take to have God's favor.. the sacrifices and the rituals were pretty set in stone. God didn't stutter. But the amount of sacrificing is kind of disgusting. Have you ever smelled blood before?? It's gross. I can't even believe the Israelite's were okay with that.
But honestly, they did what needed to be done to be right with God.
But at some point I think they realized it was impossible for them to keep it up. Why? Well because it was too easy to mess up. There was so much to constantly be making up for and it got to a point where I'm sure they felt discouraged.
Living as the Chosen People of God wasn't exactly cake. They had a lot of ground to cover and some major life choices to make that would set them apart. If they lived as God's Holy People maybe others would want to live that way too. I'm thinking that was the point. But instead it was used against others.
Wars were fought, lives lost, and still the same thing.
Then the line of communication between man and God went quiet. For 400 years. Things were being set into motion in that time period, and the faithfulness of God seemed gone, but it wasn't. A great place for a quick explanation of some things that happened during that time can be found on www.bibleview.org check out 400 Silent Years.
But the coming of a Savior was on its way. Near the end of the Silent Years is when Jesus came into the picture. Some scientists of the time (in the bible they were referred to as Magi) were following the words of the prophets and noticed the change in the constellations one day and decided to follow them. By the time they had reached the birthplace of Jesus He would have been two years old. The King was pretty mad about this baby being foretold as great King.. he got so jealous he sent to have all male babies 2 and under to be murdered so God told Joseph (Jesus' earthly father) to flee from there.
30 years after Jesus' birth was the start of His ministry. For 3 years Jesus spent His earthly life healing bodies, minds, and spirits. He taught with authority. He spoke with wisdom. And He brought a new kind of thinking that messed with the thinking of the Jews.
So they plotted His death. And when Jesus was ready He let them murder Him. Why? Because that was the plan. A plan set far before the scene of the Cross. A plan that started in a garden, with a man a woman and a serpent.
When you look back over the span of time it seems that all things up to the time of the cross were tense. There was battle going on, and it wasn't pretty. But the battle was on the inside of the humans, not the outside. The fighting that raged was anger, depression, fear, jealousy, laziness, coveting, and more. From these feelings we can see why King David had a man murdered after sleeping with the man's wife.. feelings can be pretty powerful. And can lead to some bad decisions..
Like the first bad decision. Eating from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. And what knowledge was gained by eating from that tree? Genesis 3:7 "At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves."
Feelings. They were made aware of the bad feelings they could feel. Toward themselves.
Could you imagine a world without bad feelings? With only the Fruit of the spirit? Which happens to be Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and SELF-CONTROL. (couldn't help myself.. that's one that most people are not capable of, including myself).
This would be why Jesus allowed Himself to be murdered on the cross. To tip the scale in OUR favor. The serpent plays dirty and what he did was bring something into our lives that isn't meant to be there. That's why all those negative feelings feel so wrong! They shouldn't be a part of our life!
The Cross changed things. It's a GIANT gesture, on our behalf, to tell us we don't have to fight this alone. In fact, we're not only going to win, the battle's already over. We need only accept the gesture by faith, and live as a disciple of Jesus Christ. Follow His words and ways, and trust that God's plan is deeper than loving us... He's got a plan to use us to remove this serpent once and for all.
Well that's easy, its the reason we are all here!
The Bible is one amazing book, if you ask me, and it's full of a lot of amazing stories. To some they are just too crazy to believe. A man being swallowed whole by a whale... then spit back out, no harm done... people being healed of birth defects and blindness and broken or useless limbs becoming like new... donkey's talking, a Red Sea Parting, a whole earth flooding... it was crazy!
What if you let yourself believe the things of the bible? The good and the bad? The stuff that scares you and the stuff that you crave and desire most? What's so wrong with believing in it? Why is everyone so scared of it?? It really is strange to me that a book of books is considered dangerous to some and a myth to others. Its a lifeline, or a table leveler. Some read it as a last resort, some read it as the only way they've ever known.
But there's something to be said here.. there's no way this book means nothing.
From Genesis to Revelation this book is the beginning of one thing and the end of another. Jewish literature teaches the first part, also known as the Old Testament, but refused the second part... the New Testament.
Why? Because of Jesus.
The Gospels tell a story about a man born to a virgin, from an immaculate birth in a time when life seemed to have lost all hope for a Great people. These people were set apart by God Himself, as a Light to the World. They were the shining example of God's love and faithfulness. But these people messed up. They became prideful and convinced of their own importance. They believed that God only loved them, they didn't pay attention to stories such as the one of Rahab who helped Joshua's spies by hiding them from the King. She wasn't a Jew, yet she craved the love and protection of their God, and didn't stop until she got it. And not only did she become adopted into the family of the Jews, but she was an ancestor in the line of King David! And Jesus Christ!
There's something to say about that! Maybe there is no special people in the way that it's been told. The way I read it those people were supposed to be a shining example of Who God Is but instead they acted like completely spoiled brats. Having to be told constantly that they needed to change or else God would cut them off... What do I mean? Well, there are books included of Prophets who were sent to the Jews to speak on God's behalf. These men (and women) were sent to deliver a message. Most messages were about God's grace, but there were many about His disappointment. 16 books of Prophets telling about the failing of people and the coming of something new that would change the old ways. Because the old ways failed too. People weren't getting it. They knew what it would take to have God's favor.. the sacrifices and the rituals were pretty set in stone. God didn't stutter. But the amount of sacrificing is kind of disgusting. Have you ever smelled blood before?? It's gross. I can't even believe the Israelite's were okay with that.
But honestly, they did what needed to be done to be right with God.
But at some point I think they realized it was impossible for them to keep it up. Why? Well because it was too easy to mess up. There was so much to constantly be making up for and it got to a point where I'm sure they felt discouraged.
Living as the Chosen People of God wasn't exactly cake. They had a lot of ground to cover and some major life choices to make that would set them apart. If they lived as God's Holy People maybe others would want to live that way too. I'm thinking that was the point. But instead it was used against others.
Wars were fought, lives lost, and still the same thing.
Then the line of communication between man and God went quiet. For 400 years. Things were being set into motion in that time period, and the faithfulness of God seemed gone, but it wasn't. A great place for a quick explanation of some things that happened during that time can be found on www.bibleview.org check out 400 Silent Years.
But the coming of a Savior was on its way. Near the end of the Silent Years is when Jesus came into the picture. Some scientists of the time (in the bible they were referred to as Magi) were following the words of the prophets and noticed the change in the constellations one day and decided to follow them. By the time they had reached the birthplace of Jesus He would have been two years old. The King was pretty mad about this baby being foretold as great King.. he got so jealous he sent to have all male babies 2 and under to be murdered so God told Joseph (Jesus' earthly father) to flee from there.
30 years after Jesus' birth was the start of His ministry. For 3 years Jesus spent His earthly life healing bodies, minds, and spirits. He taught with authority. He spoke with wisdom. And He brought a new kind of thinking that messed with the thinking of the Jews.
So they plotted His death. And when Jesus was ready He let them murder Him. Why? Because that was the plan. A plan set far before the scene of the Cross. A plan that started in a garden, with a man a woman and a serpent.
When you look back over the span of time it seems that all things up to the time of the cross were tense. There was battle going on, and it wasn't pretty. But the battle was on the inside of the humans, not the outside. The fighting that raged was anger, depression, fear, jealousy, laziness, coveting, and more. From these feelings we can see why King David had a man murdered after sleeping with the man's wife.. feelings can be pretty powerful. And can lead to some bad decisions..
Like the first bad decision. Eating from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. And what knowledge was gained by eating from that tree? Genesis 3:7 "At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves."
Feelings. They were made aware of the bad feelings they could feel. Toward themselves.
Could you imagine a world without bad feelings? With only the Fruit of the spirit? Which happens to be Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and SELF-CONTROL. (couldn't help myself.. that's one that most people are not capable of, including myself).
This would be why Jesus allowed Himself to be murdered on the cross. To tip the scale in OUR favor. The serpent plays dirty and what he did was bring something into our lives that isn't meant to be there. That's why all those negative feelings feel so wrong! They shouldn't be a part of our life!
The Cross changed things. It's a GIANT gesture, on our behalf, to tell us we don't have to fight this alone. In fact, we're not only going to win, the battle's already over. We need only accept the gesture by faith, and live as a disciple of Jesus Christ. Follow His words and ways, and trust that God's plan is deeper than loving us... He's got a plan to use us to remove this serpent once and for all.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Let's talk about the Cross Part 2
In my last blog I spoke about how God put a plan in motion that was meant to remove the sin from the world. Why was sin IN the world? I'm glad you asked!
Now I don't claim to be an expert on theology, but from what I've studied the best I can say is that there was a time before humans existed that there was something major that happened. We count the start of time by the start of existence of the human race, or even when the earth began.. but if you believe in God then you would know that He is Eternal.. and that means He has no beginning and has no end.
He exists. Has always existed, and will always exist.
From this we can gather that our story is not truly the beginning. There really is this whole other storyline and we are just dropped down into it... kind of like watching a new character get introduced into a soap opera show. Any new character from that show Lost wouldn't know what the heck was going on because of how much drama that had already played out (Remember that show??). So we can loosely associate this to describe the scene of Genesis.
Genesis chapter 1 and 2 essentially hit on creation.. but I can't help feeling like there are so many holes and gaps in the story. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth (Genesis 1:1), but why? When the LORD God made the earth and the heavens, 5neither wild plants nor grains were growing on the earth. For the LORD God had not yet sent rain to water the earth, and there were no people to cultivate the soil. (Genesis 2:4) okay cool, so He plans to? But why?
I can't help it. I feel like there's this setting being created and there's no explanation other than He created man and woman in His own image because He wanted to. But this is God we're talking about. He does NOTHING without a purpose and a plan.
This was just my theory, so don't go all crazy on me about how wrong I am, but as I started to study Genesis and read the bible something really started to stick out at me... in the first real story about Adam and Eve there's another character that shows up... the serpent. And he's got lots of bad things going on with him and hello.. how come he can talk and no other animal can? HUH?
He's got a few other spotlights too. He shows up in Isaiah 27, he's all over Job, and even in the Psalms. He's got a name too, Leviathan. He's referred to even in the New Testament in Romans. This serpent that shows up in the beginning is referred to more than a few times. And I can only wonder, who is this serpent and why is there a resounding need to crush him? He's not a new character, I can tell you that. And he definitely manipulated Adam and Eve for his own purposes. Him and God seemed to have some history. And not a good history.
There are many speculations of who he really is, but one thing remained, he was absolutely the enemy. He conspired to trip up humanity because obviously he was looking for trouble. I imagine he was more than a serpent.
But what I know is merely bits and pieces from a larger story in a time that no one has ever seen. It's ancient. And really all that applies to us as human beings is the scene from the garden. When Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree it was like a domino effect that continues to this day. That's where sin originated for humans. But for the serpent it existed with his story. And I can't tell you that, but I can tell you where I think is the end of those dominoes. That we find in Revelation 12:7-9(NLT)...
Whoa.. come on.. right?? But think about it. God created a race, in His own image, then put them in the place where He has cast this "serpent" aka "Satan"... then placed trees in the garden where the people were and told the humans not to touch it, but the serpent was all.. no way, I'm totally going to thwart His plan?? Come on, let's give God some credit. He created all things, and KNOWS all things. Don't you think He knew that the serpent was going to do that? So why could He possibly have created those people? Hmmm?? Anyone have a guess?
TO CRUSH THE SERPENT.
But as it stood, those humans had eaten from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil... And God couldn't have sin in His presence... but He didn't set all this up without a plan and purpose! No way. He had GREATER THINGS IN MIND.
Now I don't claim to be an expert on theology, but from what I've studied the best I can say is that there was a time before humans existed that there was something major that happened. We count the start of time by the start of existence of the human race, or even when the earth began.. but if you believe in God then you would know that He is Eternal.. and that means He has no beginning and has no end.
He exists. Has always existed, and will always exist.
From this we can gather that our story is not truly the beginning. There really is this whole other storyline and we are just dropped down into it... kind of like watching a new character get introduced into a soap opera show. Any new character from that show Lost wouldn't know what the heck was going on because of how much drama that had already played out (Remember that show??). So we can loosely associate this to describe the scene of Genesis.
Genesis chapter 1 and 2 essentially hit on creation.. but I can't help feeling like there are so many holes and gaps in the story. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth (Genesis 1:1), but why? When the LORD God made the earth and the heavens, 5neither wild plants nor grains were growing on the earth. For the LORD God had not yet sent rain to water the earth, and there were no people to cultivate the soil. (Genesis 2:4) okay cool, so He plans to? But why?
I can't help it. I feel like there's this setting being created and there's no explanation other than He created man and woman in His own image because He wanted to. But this is God we're talking about. He does NOTHING without a purpose and a plan.
This was just my theory, so don't go all crazy on me about how wrong I am, but as I started to study Genesis and read the bible something really started to stick out at me... in the first real story about Adam and Eve there's another character that shows up... the serpent. And he's got lots of bad things going on with him and hello.. how come he can talk and no other animal can? HUH?
He's got a few other spotlights too. He shows up in Isaiah 27, he's all over Job, and even in the Psalms. He's got a name too, Leviathan. He's referred to even in the New Testament in Romans. This serpent that shows up in the beginning is referred to more than a few times. And I can only wonder, who is this serpent and why is there a resounding need to crush him? He's not a new character, I can tell you that. And he definitely manipulated Adam and Eve for his own purposes. Him and God seemed to have some history. And not a good history.
There are many speculations of who he really is, but one thing remained, he was absolutely the enemy. He conspired to trip up humanity because obviously he was looking for trouble. I imagine he was more than a serpent.
But what I know is merely bits and pieces from a larger story in a time that no one has ever seen. It's ancient. And really all that applies to us as human beings is the scene from the garden. When Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree it was like a domino effect that continues to this day. That's where sin originated for humans. But for the serpent it existed with his story. And I can't tell you that, but I can tell you where I think is the end of those dominoes. That we find in Revelation 12:7-9(NLT)...
7Then there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon and his angels. 8And the dragon lost the battle, and he and his angels were forced out of heaven. 9This great dragon—the ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, the one deceiving the whole world—was thrown down to the earth with all his angels.This "serpent" that deceived the human race in the garden was really just setting the stage for something much bigger that was eventually going to be his undoing... the serpent was helping God with his own destruction.
Whoa.. come on.. right?? But think about it. God created a race, in His own image, then put them in the place where He has cast this "serpent" aka "Satan"... then placed trees in the garden where the people were and told the humans not to touch it, but the serpent was all.. no way, I'm totally going to thwart His plan?? Come on, let's give God some credit. He created all things, and KNOWS all things. Don't you think He knew that the serpent was going to do that? So why could He possibly have created those people? Hmmm?? Anyone have a guess?
TO CRUSH THE SERPENT.
But as it stood, those humans had eaten from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil... And God couldn't have sin in His presence... but He didn't set all this up without a plan and purpose! No way. He had GREATER THINGS IN MIND.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Let's talk about the Cross. Part 1 of 3
Today as I drove home from dropping off my son.. my mind started wandering to the things that are in my life right now.
Lots of new things are starting to poke through the ground (metaphorically speaking) and I'm starting to see the changes. But one thing has been ever-present... my belief in Christ is still this place in my heart where I don't completely understand.
Why is the Cross so very important? Why is it that Jesus can make such a difference in me? God, sent His son, in human form to die for me... so that He can remove anything in my life that would keep us apart. But why? Why does that prove He loves me? Why does it even matter?
So let's talk about this giant elephant in the room. Let's talk about what the Cross is and why it's so dang important, shall we?
Ok, first of all, I'm not perfect. (WHAT????) Yeah. It's the truth. (Hangs head)..
Little old me, I make mistakes. I try really hard not to, but they are there.. like a gross stain on the white t-shirt of life. And I can bleach the heck out of it.. you know, try to make up for it.. but there's so many stains! I've lied, cheated, stole, been an adultress (eck.. that one stings) and more! I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. So I've changed my life to make up for it. I bleached my shirt, so to speak, and I can say that those stains aren't so apparent anymore.. but there's this other thing in my life. I believe in God. I believe that He created me, and that when I die I will have Him to look forward to. But guess what? Those bleached stains on my t-shirt of life? Yeah, they aren't so invisible to Him. He sees them. He knows they are there.
YIKES! So what I'm saying is if I choose to live this life of faith and believe there is a God who created all things then I have to follow His rules for all things..
Rule no. 1? Sin is a no no. You have to be without sin to be in His presence. No He's not this giant, evil kid with a magnifying glass waiting to fry the puny ant-people on this planet. If you read His book (The BIBLE, in case you didn't know) the very first chapter of the very first book tells us that He created the earth and people to share Himself. He LOVED His creation. Wanted to have a RELATIONSHIP with His creation.. He even made us in His own image! He was a proud Father... spent time with them, and gave them rule over all the earth. What does this have to do with me?
Well, this garden they hung out in is the scene of the first Sin in human history. Adam and Eve went against the direction of God to not eat from the tree of good and evil and became aware of knowledge that changed our history. They were ejected from the Garden because if they possessed that knowledge AND ate from the tree of life then eternity would be filled with a humanity that had sin in their life. NOT GOOD.
Fast forward to today and we see humanity still has this knowledge. Knowing Good and Knowing Evil. Doing Good and doing Evil. EVERYONE. No one is exempt. Including me. I do good, but I also do evil. Evil is whatever is not good. Do I really need to explain that? Well maybe I should, because lately this world seems to not have a handle on what the difference is.
If you're wondering what God's list is then look up the Ten Commandments. Those are pretty self-explanatory.. God's pretty black and white about what's good. If you're still not sure then take a look at the Bible. He's got some great examples of what's good AND evil in there!
For me, that means that I've sinned. All that stuff I've done in my life that was not good according to His word is all those stains on my white t-shirt that I was talking about. And I can bleach all I want, He still knows about them. There's nothing I can do to remove them. I need a new shirt.
God knows this. In fact, He already knew this even before I was born! He had a plan the moment Adam and Eve were created. His plan wasn't thwarted by those two.. no, it was put into motion! Because of this whole other deal with the one who started this crap in the first place... Satan.
Oh dear, I guess I'm gonna need to make this a three parter... Next up? What the crap is Satan and why does he even matter?
Lots of new things are starting to poke through the ground (metaphorically speaking) and I'm starting to see the changes. But one thing has been ever-present... my belief in Christ is still this place in my heart where I don't completely understand.
Why is the Cross so very important? Why is it that Jesus can make such a difference in me? God, sent His son, in human form to die for me... so that He can remove anything in my life that would keep us apart. But why? Why does that prove He loves me? Why does it even matter?
So let's talk about this giant elephant in the room. Let's talk about what the Cross is and why it's so dang important, shall we?
Ok, first of all, I'm not perfect. (WHAT????) Yeah. It's the truth. (Hangs head)..
Little old me, I make mistakes. I try really hard not to, but they are there.. like a gross stain on the white t-shirt of life. And I can bleach the heck out of it.. you know, try to make up for it.. but there's so many stains! I've lied, cheated, stole, been an adultress (eck.. that one stings) and more! I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. So I've changed my life to make up for it. I bleached my shirt, so to speak, and I can say that those stains aren't so apparent anymore.. but there's this other thing in my life. I believe in God. I believe that He created me, and that when I die I will have Him to look forward to. But guess what? Those bleached stains on my t-shirt of life? Yeah, they aren't so invisible to Him. He sees them. He knows they are there.
YIKES! So what I'm saying is if I choose to live this life of faith and believe there is a God who created all things then I have to follow His rules for all things..
Rule no. 1? Sin is a no no. You have to be without sin to be in His presence. No He's not this giant, evil kid with a magnifying glass waiting to fry the puny ant-people on this planet. If you read His book (The BIBLE, in case you didn't know) the very first chapter of the very first book tells us that He created the earth and people to share Himself. He LOVED His creation. Wanted to have a RELATIONSHIP with His creation.. He even made us in His own image! He was a proud Father... spent time with them, and gave them rule over all the earth. What does this have to do with me?
Well, this garden they hung out in is the scene of the first Sin in human history. Adam and Eve went against the direction of God to not eat from the tree of good and evil and became aware of knowledge that changed our history. They were ejected from the Garden because if they possessed that knowledge AND ate from the tree of life then eternity would be filled with a humanity that had sin in their life. NOT GOOD.
Fast forward to today and we see humanity still has this knowledge. Knowing Good and Knowing Evil. Doing Good and doing Evil. EVERYONE. No one is exempt. Including me. I do good, but I also do evil. Evil is whatever is not good. Do I really need to explain that? Well maybe I should, because lately this world seems to not have a handle on what the difference is.
If you're wondering what God's list is then look up the Ten Commandments. Those are pretty self-explanatory.. God's pretty black and white about what's good. If you're still not sure then take a look at the Bible. He's got some great examples of what's good AND evil in there!
For me, that means that I've sinned. All that stuff I've done in my life that was not good according to His word is all those stains on my white t-shirt that I was talking about. And I can bleach all I want, He still knows about them. There's nothing I can do to remove them. I need a new shirt.
God knows this. In fact, He already knew this even before I was born! He had a plan the moment Adam and Eve were created. His plan wasn't thwarted by those two.. no, it was put into motion! Because of this whole other deal with the one who started this crap in the first place... Satan.
Oh dear, I guess I'm gonna need to make this a three parter... Next up? What the crap is Satan and why does he even matter?
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Three not-so-little lessons
It's been a while since I sat down and wrote about the lessons I've been learning. Mostly because I wasn't finished with the one I'm currently figuring out.
You see, I'm one of those people, I guess, that learns by experience. It's just the way it's been working out, as frustrating as it tends to be.
Over the last few months one thing has been nagging me; I am so lonely. I hate that. Ya know? I figured I'd be fine to just live out my life working with the few things I'm responsible for and eventually things would change over time. But this Spring something strange happened.. God told me things were going to change in the Fall. He even had me in this place where I just couldn't do my job until I told my boss that I may be leaving in October.. I thought it was INSANE. I continuously denied God and said nothing. But God wasn't letting up either, and as stubborn as I was, I just couldn't stand how crazy the thought was making me. So, I told my boss (in tears, might I add, because I LOVE my job) that I felt that I would probably be leaving in October to pursue other things. She said she saw it coming, she knew something was going on with me because apparently I'm an open book.. ok, what the crap! But anyway, after our meeting I did nothing to pursue another job. Things with EGMI (Eastern Gate Ministries, international) were heating up.. after coming back from Africa there was this crazy pull to become more of a part of the ministry, so I nagged the President until he gave me an official position, one that I've loved every minute of! Through doing both EGMI stuff and working at Beacon Hospice as a traveling aide I started to realize my flaws, I hated that I had no time, and what little time I did have I spent sleeping or doing nothing because I was exhausted.
I knew this wasn't going to be able to continue. I couldn't live like this, one of these jobs would have to go... but how do you quit doing something you love?? I LOVED both of what I was doing. I was PASSIONATE about both. I couldn't imagine leaving either. So I did nothing. I left it up to God. If He wanted me somewhere else, He was going to make it known to me.
The summer was not a long one for me. But there was a lot of changes that were looming over me. I decided to try and buy a house (NOT easy) and when that fell through I just kind of was stagnant mentally. I did my part for what I was responsible for, but in my personal life I felt like a failure. I live with my son, alone, in an apartment that I can barely afford. And I was trying to buy a house?? Am I crazy?? I hate living alone. I grew up with 6 siblings and the house was constantly buzzing, yes I wanted my space to be alone, but I've definitely grown to the point where I'm over that.
That brings me to my point. The THREE LESSONS I'VE LEARNED.
In life there are many things we learn. But for me I've had three distinct things that have made an impression on me.
Number 1: Dependence... on God. My time I spent dating God was crucial for me. I was able to learn some deep, foundational rules that have changed how I view the world. I knew my need to depend on God for guidance, strength, love, and so much more was necessary to help me to the next lesson...
Number 2: Independence... from others. I needed to learn to walk on my own two feet. I needed to know I could maintain a job on my own. I needed to see that I was capable of succeeding... to get a job and keep it. (And I did! I just celebrated my 8th year!) To live on my own, and maintain a budget. (I sort of did that) and to help my son grow up (that's still ongoing).
That leads me to Number 3: Interdependence. Oye, that word. It gets me a little annoyed. Mostly because I liked being independent. I liked living on my own and doing my own thing, until now. Now as I go through my day of working in facilities that aren't my own and visiting homes of families that aren't mine I've come to realize that I want to belong somewhere.
My dad's gonna be so thrilled. He's been on my case about this lately. Trying to break me down to see that I need my family. But I stood my independent ground, the one I built on my own, and said that wasn't true. I had my church, and I had my job, and I had my ministry work... those things keep me busy! I don't need to worry about anything else.. besides, Ethan's my family, and eventually I plan to get married! So I don't need to think about them. I can just turn my back and pretend they don't exist, or aren't necessary in my life because, hey, they don't share my beliefs.. voila! Right there is an excuse to put a big giant wall between us! Me and my self-righteousness can be happy on our less chaotic side... only that hasn't been sitting well, and Jesus has been right there this whole time trying explain to me why I'm so very wrong. Whatever Jesus, you don't know everything!! Ok, you do. UGGGGH.
So today was a milestone in my lesson of interdependence; I recognized the need. I realize now I need people in my life, and the ones who are always there for me, even though I ignore them and treat them like doody, are the ones I'm now seeing in a different light.
I walked away from my family four years ago. I decided to try this, "On my own" thing. I needed to know I could do it, and I needed space. But now, the reasons I left don't seem as terrible as I thought. Or maybe I'm different now, and they won't affect me like they used to... Not really that sure. But I do know one thing, I don't want to be alone anymore.
Another thing? A job. That's what put this all into motion. I have a chance at a position, starting in October, that will change a lot of stuff in my life now as I know it. But I know its the right move for me, because I can hear God in the details. No I can't SEE Him in the details, I HEAR Him. Meaning there are things about this job that I can hear Him speaking to me through... changes that I've been seeking, answers to prayers that I've been holding fast to for a while now.
So October should be an interesting month for me. It'll be transitional, that's for sure... but you know what? I LOVE CHANGE, that makes my life better. I'm going to trust God is with me, "Lo, even until the end of the earth".. I'm going to believe this is just another page in the story He's writing for my life, and I'm going to be faithful and follow Him.
Here's to new things!
You see, I'm one of those people, I guess, that learns by experience. It's just the way it's been working out, as frustrating as it tends to be.
Over the last few months one thing has been nagging me; I am so lonely. I hate that. Ya know? I figured I'd be fine to just live out my life working with the few things I'm responsible for and eventually things would change over time. But this Spring something strange happened.. God told me things were going to change in the Fall. He even had me in this place where I just couldn't do my job until I told my boss that I may be leaving in October.. I thought it was INSANE. I continuously denied God and said nothing. But God wasn't letting up either, and as stubborn as I was, I just couldn't stand how crazy the thought was making me. So, I told my boss (in tears, might I add, because I LOVE my job) that I felt that I would probably be leaving in October to pursue other things. She said she saw it coming, she knew something was going on with me because apparently I'm an open book.. ok, what the crap! But anyway, after our meeting I did nothing to pursue another job. Things with EGMI (Eastern Gate Ministries, international) were heating up.. after coming back from Africa there was this crazy pull to become more of a part of the ministry, so I nagged the President until he gave me an official position, one that I've loved every minute of! Through doing both EGMI stuff and working at Beacon Hospice as a traveling aide I started to realize my flaws, I hated that I had no time, and what little time I did have I spent sleeping or doing nothing because I was exhausted.
I knew this wasn't going to be able to continue. I couldn't live like this, one of these jobs would have to go... but how do you quit doing something you love?? I LOVED both of what I was doing. I was PASSIONATE about both. I couldn't imagine leaving either. So I did nothing. I left it up to God. If He wanted me somewhere else, He was going to make it known to me.
The summer was not a long one for me. But there was a lot of changes that were looming over me. I decided to try and buy a house (NOT easy) and when that fell through I just kind of was stagnant mentally. I did my part for what I was responsible for, but in my personal life I felt like a failure. I live with my son, alone, in an apartment that I can barely afford. And I was trying to buy a house?? Am I crazy?? I hate living alone. I grew up with 6 siblings and the house was constantly buzzing, yes I wanted my space to be alone, but I've definitely grown to the point where I'm over that.
That brings me to my point. The THREE LESSONS I'VE LEARNED.
In life there are many things we learn. But for me I've had three distinct things that have made an impression on me.
Number 1: Dependence... on God. My time I spent dating God was crucial for me. I was able to learn some deep, foundational rules that have changed how I view the world. I knew my need to depend on God for guidance, strength, love, and so much more was necessary to help me to the next lesson...
Number 2: Independence... from others. I needed to learn to walk on my own two feet. I needed to know I could maintain a job on my own. I needed to see that I was capable of succeeding... to get a job and keep it. (And I did! I just celebrated my 8th year!) To live on my own, and maintain a budget. (I sort of did that) and to help my son grow up (that's still ongoing).
That leads me to Number 3: Interdependence. Oye, that word. It gets me a little annoyed. Mostly because I liked being independent. I liked living on my own and doing my own thing, until now. Now as I go through my day of working in facilities that aren't my own and visiting homes of families that aren't mine I've come to realize that I want to belong somewhere.
My dad's gonna be so thrilled. He's been on my case about this lately. Trying to break me down to see that I need my family. But I stood my independent ground, the one I built on my own, and said that wasn't true. I had my church, and I had my job, and I had my ministry work... those things keep me busy! I don't need to worry about anything else.. besides, Ethan's my family, and eventually I plan to get married! So I don't need to think about them. I can just turn my back and pretend they don't exist, or aren't necessary in my life because, hey, they don't share my beliefs.. voila! Right there is an excuse to put a big giant wall between us! Me and my self-righteousness can be happy on our less chaotic side... only that hasn't been sitting well, and Jesus has been right there this whole time trying explain to me why I'm so very wrong. Whatever Jesus, you don't know everything!! Ok, you do. UGGGGH.
So today was a milestone in my lesson of interdependence; I recognized the need. I realize now I need people in my life, and the ones who are always there for me, even though I ignore them and treat them like doody, are the ones I'm now seeing in a different light.
I walked away from my family four years ago. I decided to try this, "On my own" thing. I needed to know I could do it, and I needed space. But now, the reasons I left don't seem as terrible as I thought. Or maybe I'm different now, and they won't affect me like they used to... Not really that sure. But I do know one thing, I don't want to be alone anymore.
Another thing? A job. That's what put this all into motion. I have a chance at a position, starting in October, that will change a lot of stuff in my life now as I know it. But I know its the right move for me, because I can hear God in the details. No I can't SEE Him in the details, I HEAR Him. Meaning there are things about this job that I can hear Him speaking to me through... changes that I've been seeking, answers to prayers that I've been holding fast to for a while now.
So October should be an interesting month for me. It'll be transitional, that's for sure... but you know what? I LOVE CHANGE, that makes my life better. I'm going to trust God is with me, "Lo, even until the end of the earth".. I'm going to believe this is just another page in the story He's writing for my life, and I'm going to be faithful and follow Him.
Here's to new things!
Thursday, August 22, 2013
It's not a popularity contest Part 3
"One early spring Darlene and I moved with our family to the country. We needed to slow down. We were looking forward to enjoying the beauty of our new place.
A couple of days after we unpacked, I was puttering in my garage when I noticed my neighbor hacking down a row of grapevines that rambled along a fence on our shared property line. I had assumed that we owned the vines jointly. Wasn't that how things worked in the country? We already had visions of feasting on bucketfuls of grapes in the fall.
I walked over to say hi. My neighbor, a large, white-haired man in overalls, wielded the biggest set of shears I'd ever seen. All around him lay heaps of grape branches.
"You don't like grapes, I guess?" I said, trying to conceal my distress.
"Love grapes," he said.
"Really. Well, I thought maybe we would be sharing the crop from this vine and I..." I hesitated. Maybe it was too late to do any good.
He eyed my shiny shoes. "You're a city boy, aren't ya?" he said.
"Not exactly, but I -"
"Don't know anything about grapes, do ya?" he broke in, and went back to hacking at the vine.
I told him I knew I liked the taste of them. And I told him I had particularly liked the promising look of this row of grapes when I bought the place.
"You like big, juicy grapes?" he asked over his shoulder.
"Of course! My family does too," I said.
"Well, son," he said, "we can either grow ourselves a lot of beautiful leaves filling up this whole fence line. Or we can have the biggest, juiciest, sweetest grapes you and your family have ever seen." He looked at me. "We just can't have both." ~Taken from "Secrets of the Vine" by Bruce Wilkinson
You could just accept this about the vine. You could leave the vine alone and let it grow where it wants to grow. Some vines just keep going and don't stop, even when it ends up in crazy places. I had some experiences with grapevines. Most of the vines were on the side of the road. One grew down a rock wall that was lined with poison ivy. Another was crawling up the back of a house across a busy road. All of them were sour grapes. They were pretty gross. But no one ate them because of where they were growing and how they were growing. They were never tended to. They were left to fend for themself and instead of being pruned and the area weeded they became smaller and smaller and eventually they all died. I drive past where they used to be sometimes and there's nothing left to them. Without the care they needed they perished.
See here's where I get confrontational. People left to their own lives without pruning or tending to will eventually become as useless as those sour grapes. Any grapes those vines produced weren't very good. People who are compared to sour grapes are usually negative people. And anything they produce is usually negative.
We all have things in our lives that don't really need to be there. We all have habits that serve no purpose.
What this says to me is that God wants the very best from us, and to get that He's going to take His heavenly pruning shears and cut away the extra branches that are keeping the really good grapes from growing. My desire to be accepted was getting in the way of me doing anything. Every time I was rejected it was like I just really needed to make up for it... I didn't need to be accepted. In fact, I'm willing to say being accepted is not a necessary part of life. The only One we need to accept us is the One who created us, and that deal is sealed when we accept Him! From there on its just a journey of strengthening roots and branches to produce big, juicy, sweet grapes!
And what exactly do I mean by grapes? Not the actual fruit, silly! No! The Greek word fruit from this verse is translated to; fruit, deed, action, result, profit, gain.
What Jesus was saying when He talked about the fruit we produced was our lives would change! WE would change! Our actions would change, our deeds would change! And from them would be profit and gain!
So when I say we don't need acceptance I really mean we shouldn't be seeking for acceptance. That should not be our goal. Our goal should always be a true relationship with the GARDENER. He knows what it will take for our branches to produce the best, juiciest grapes ever!
What do I take from this? I can't keep seeking out how someone feels about how I feel. I can't keep relying on everyone else to feel good about myself. The only thing that has done is made me WAY more self-conscious and has messed with my confidence.
So these books are going to help me move toward becoming a branch producing BETTER fruit, not just MORE. So God wants me to have BETTER ACTIONS, DEEDS AND RESULTS from the things He is already working on in my life. There's no need to add anything right now, I just need to focus on the fruit that's already in my life!
A couple of days after we unpacked, I was puttering in my garage when I noticed my neighbor hacking down a row of grapevines that rambled along a fence on our shared property line. I had assumed that we owned the vines jointly. Wasn't that how things worked in the country? We already had visions of feasting on bucketfuls of grapes in the fall.
I walked over to say hi. My neighbor, a large, white-haired man in overalls, wielded the biggest set of shears I'd ever seen. All around him lay heaps of grape branches.
"You don't like grapes, I guess?" I said, trying to conceal my distress.
"Love grapes," he said.
"Really. Well, I thought maybe we would be sharing the crop from this vine and I..." I hesitated. Maybe it was too late to do any good.
He eyed my shiny shoes. "You're a city boy, aren't ya?" he said.
"Not exactly, but I -"
"Don't know anything about grapes, do ya?" he broke in, and went back to hacking at the vine.
I told him I knew I liked the taste of them. And I told him I had particularly liked the promising look of this row of grapes when I bought the place.
"You like big, juicy grapes?" he asked over his shoulder.
"Of course! My family does too," I said.
"Well, son," he said, "we can either grow ourselves a lot of beautiful leaves filling up this whole fence line. Or we can have the biggest, juiciest, sweetest grapes you and your family have ever seen." He looked at me. "We just can't have both." ~Taken from "Secrets of the Vine" by Bruce Wilkinson
John 15:1“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.I look at that vine reference and I see my experience with people. The old man hacking the branches knew a thing or two about grape growing, obviously. He knew that the leaves of the branches were not the purpose of the plant. And stretched out over long areas the vine would have more to take care of, so there was no focus on any specific area. Had he let the vine expand the grapes would grow, but they wouldn't be the biggest and best the vine could produce. They would be the result of a vine that just continued to spread out, with no focus on anything other than spreading out.
You could just accept this about the vine. You could leave the vine alone and let it grow where it wants to grow. Some vines just keep going and don't stop, even when it ends up in crazy places. I had some experiences with grapevines. Most of the vines were on the side of the road. One grew down a rock wall that was lined with poison ivy. Another was crawling up the back of a house across a busy road. All of them were sour grapes. They were pretty gross. But no one ate them because of where they were growing and how they were growing. They were never tended to. They were left to fend for themself and instead of being pruned and the area weeded they became smaller and smaller and eventually they all died. I drive past where they used to be sometimes and there's nothing left to them. Without the care they needed they perished.
See here's where I get confrontational. People left to their own lives without pruning or tending to will eventually become as useless as those sour grapes. Any grapes those vines produced weren't very good. People who are compared to sour grapes are usually negative people. And anything they produce is usually negative.
We all have things in our lives that don't really need to be there. We all have habits that serve no purpose.
What this says to me is that God wants the very best from us, and to get that He's going to take His heavenly pruning shears and cut away the extra branches that are keeping the really good grapes from growing. My desire to be accepted was getting in the way of me doing anything. Every time I was rejected it was like I just really needed to make up for it... I didn't need to be accepted. In fact, I'm willing to say being accepted is not a necessary part of life. The only One we need to accept us is the One who created us, and that deal is sealed when we accept Him! From there on its just a journey of strengthening roots and branches to produce big, juicy, sweet grapes!
And what exactly do I mean by grapes? Not the actual fruit, silly! No! The Greek word fruit from this verse is translated to; fruit, deed, action, result, profit, gain.
What Jesus was saying when He talked about the fruit we produced was our lives would change! WE would change! Our actions would change, our deeds would change! And from them would be profit and gain!
So when I say we don't need acceptance I really mean we shouldn't be seeking for acceptance. That should not be our goal. Our goal should always be a true relationship with the GARDENER. He knows what it will take for our branches to produce the best, juiciest grapes ever!
What do I take from this? I can't keep seeking out how someone feels about how I feel. I can't keep relying on everyone else to feel good about myself. The only thing that has done is made me WAY more self-conscious and has messed with my confidence.
So these books are going to help me move toward becoming a branch producing BETTER fruit, not just MORE. So God wants me to have BETTER ACTIONS, DEEDS AND RESULTS from the things He is already working on in my life. There's no need to add anything right now, I just need to focus on the fruit that's already in my life!
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