I'm not who I was

The last time I wrote was many years ago.

My life has changed very much since then, but it has also not changed at all in some aspects.

Who am I now? Changed.  I am different.  I know more, I've seen more, I've been through more.

Life hit hard, and I've spent a lot of time recovering.  I moved away from everyone and everything I had known.  I essentially hid, because facing what was out there was too much.  I was afraid for a very long time.  And the fear was paralyzing.  When fear causes you to feel as though your daily life needs are only able to be met by closing down, then the place you find yourself in isn't a very kind one.

I was in hell.  And it was a hell I had created for myself because of the fear.  What did I learn?  I learned that my fear was based on something that, although I had a share in the blame, I did not own the entire thing.  I was not responsible for everything bad that had happened.  And that very understanding only came when I was able to admit to myself that I had held on to something that I should have let go of long ago. 

I won't go into detail to protect those who need protecting, including myself.  But I can say that when I think back over the last 20 years of my life I have never allowed myself to let go of things that I needed to.  Losing is hard for me.  I am the girl who hates losing because I felt like I've never won.  Over a span of 20 years I've felt enough loss to prove this mentality.  But that doesn't mean that I haven't learned how to lose without gaining. 

How do you gain anything when you've lost everything?  Well, that all depends on how open-minded you are.  Can you see beyond the wreckage?  Can you feel past the pain?  Can you trust that it will not stay?  That "this too will pass"?

I had to learn how to, otherwise I would have been destroyed.  I would have lost myself.

I recognized that leaving behind a life without an explanation would hurt people.  And I hope that one day I will have the courage to tell the story.  But today I'm grateful that I haven't lost who I am.

Who am I?  I am changed.  I have grown.  I know more, I've seen more, I've been through more.

I'm not who I was, and will never be that person again.  I've let go of some things that I never thought I would of had to.  But when I think about it, I'm actually relieved they're gone.  Life is slowly gaining back my trust.  People will take more time, but as I continue to move forward in time, I have hope that I will once again be able to believe that people are worth the risk. 

But until then, I continue on, growing in strength, and not allowing the dark to overwhelm me.