I'm not who I thought I was, according to you

Oh 2020.

This was supposed to be a better year.

Let's recap, shall we? It's been about 2 years since my last post, and since then I had recovered from some major trauma, and then found myself in a relationship at the beginning of 2019.
At first I thought I was going in a good direction. I thought things would slowly get better. I wanted to show myself that I could be in a relationship.

Only problem was that the person I was dating was so very wrong for me in so many ways. He was impatient, hated his parents, cared more about making others happy than himself (and in turn made it seem like others were responsible for his happiness), didn't take his health seriously, was extremely co-dependent, and super insecure.

Ok. That was a loaded paragraph. Let's just clear one thing up; I do not believe I am any better than anyone else in life in a way where I am allowed to judge someone else's behavior, except when I have had a close, personal, relationship with them. I spent a little under 3 months practically trying to force myself to believe he was not who he seemed.  I looked for the best in him, no, I DUG into him to find the best. I found a man willing to sacrifice himself for others, time and time again to help in the way he believed they needed. I found a man who loved cooking for me, and spending time learning about different passions of his. I found a man who loved the idea of love and family, who devoted himself to being there, even when it was physically painful.

I dug, and I found qualities that were good. But here's the problem; I had no business being in a relationship with him. Didn't expect that, did ya? Wanna know why? Well, it's because the man I was dating wasn't the kind of man I wanted in my life. There was nothing wrong with him. He was imperfect, he had many life lessons left to learn and grow from, but that's not any different from anyone else in the human race. The truth is that I wasn't willing to admit that the girl who he was looking for wasn't me. I should've only been friends with him, but if I'm being honest I just couldn't take being single. Another semester had ended and I was restless and didn't want to face the weeks ahead of me. My life had completely changed because of school. I had no time to pursue relationships because all my energy had to go to my ever-changing educational needs. I wasn't looking forward to more nights alone, at all.

Out of a whim in my restlessness my mind wandered to an old friend, wondering how he was doing. What didn't come to mind was the fact that the last time we spoke we stopped talking because he started dating someone else. I was entertaining the idea of dating him back then, but I was just starting to recover from the traumatic life event that had put myself and my son into a very dark place for 3 years. I wasn't ready to face dealing with the issues alone, how was I going to face it with someone else? His impatience mixed with his "Fairy tale" mentality had gotten the last say and he was whisked away to a life with another girl. I cared, but at the same time I was relieved.

But we didn't end badly, so I figured why not reach out to him? It had been 3 more years. That dark place was no longer holding me or my son hostage. We were almost ok. Almost. But I still felt that restlessness where I knew I needed something to distract me from my sad boring life, alone in my bed, no one to spend time with. I was lonely. And maybe I was a little desperate. I don't like how that word tastes, but it might be true.

So I texted him. It began with two words, "Hey stranger". Funny that's what I had said, because that's what we were pretty much the whole time. Strangers dating, strangers sharing a bed, strangers sharing change, strangers planning a future. It constantly felt like we were speaking different languages. I thought I was able to hear him, know him, see him, understand him, but never felt like he could apply any of those things to me. Everything I said, did, or felt was constantly lost.. I rarely felt understood.

Because we had no business being together.

Because I jumped into the relationship and ignored my past hopes regarding my future husband, I found myself in a constant see-saw of emotions. I think if I had allowed myself to be who he wanted me to be then I wouldn't have been true to who I really was. The girl he had a crush on 9 years prior was no where to be seen. The one in her place was someone who was recovering from PTSD and seeking to understand and try to deal with newly diagnosed ADHD, and worsening OCD, and PDD along with anxiety disorders. I was finally given answers to all my struggles over my life of education, but the answers were a bit stressful in themselves. Who I was, was a girl changed by her past, and present. The girl I thought I was was someone who struggled and had a hard time, but would do anything for the right man.

According to him, the person I was was no where near who I thought I was. The things he said to me about me felt like he was talking about someone else. Who the hell was this girl he was so desperate to find in me? and what was wrong with who I was then?

NOTHING. That's what. What was wrong was us being together. Maybe 10 years ago things would've been different, but that didn't happen. And the relationship we had was not at all the kind of relationship I had pictured myself to be in. Because we weren't supposed to be together.

No matter how I spun it, not matter how many times I tried to understand the why's of things going wrong, nothing would change the fact that we weren't right for each other. The time I spent with him gave me the chance to be with someone for a change. I got to have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. I had someone to call and text when I wanted to talk or text, and someone to share a bed with.

It wasn't always great, but it was something. Not really my greatest life choice over the last few years, but it definitely helped me see something about myself that I never saw before. When restless, I need to find something to fill that void with that doesn't include dating someone. That is not a good way to deal with needing change. I should not compromise, just because I need mental stimulation, or a warm body in my bed. That is stupid. And I am not stupid!

It's been almost a year since we spoke. He chose to cut me completely out, for whatever reason, and it has been a long road of coming back from allowing myself to get involved emotionally with someone I should never have involved myself emotionally with. But here I am, almost a year later, and I don't really care to know how he's doing, or whether he thinks about me. I'm still a little curious, but honestly, if I never see him again, or hear from him again it's for the best. I'm not who he wanted. And he's not who I wanted either. And if we want to find that person we need to keep moving on, away from each other.