7 years later...

It's been 7 years since I started my journey of getting to know God, or since I began "Dating God" and I am in a very interesting place.

And what do I have to show for those 7 years?

Nearly everything I had when it started is different or gone. 

Nearly everyone that once surrounded me and encouraged me at that point have moved on and are not a part of my life any longer.

I pass by the mirror sometimes and wonder who it is that I am seeing.

What happened? Has 7 years really done this to me?

I'm not in a ditch, homeless or hungry.. But I feel like I am.

What is it that has brought me to this point 7 years later?  The life that I am leading is not what I expected when I made that fateful choice to date God those 7 years ago.  I was under the impression that a man was waiting for me at the end of the wait, what I found was a deeper relationship with God instead.  And for 7 years it hasn't changed.  One thing after another has come my way, with some of the hardest struggles I've ever had to face (some coming most recently) being my constant companion.

Was it short-sighted of me to think that way? Was I being small-minded?  I didn't see anyone else around me living that way after all.  The others didn't follow suit.  They all got married and had babies.  I can't be angry at them.. that's what's expected in life.  A church built of families that grow together. It's a beautiful thing.

But I wasn't one of them.

Still.  

I wasn't finding a husband, or trying to.  No one could identify with me, and I had no one that made me feel any better about my life lack (or whatever you would call it).  I was disappointed by my peers, those who found more interest in building a family than getting to know God in the way I had. Maybe I was being ignorant. I definitely didn't think I was better than any of them, if anything I was jealous. And I couldn't help becoming angry about it because it made me feel even more alone. I lost it a little. I convinced myself that I had no desire to be like them.  I saw them as sheep, and not the good kind.  No, more the kind that are too afraid to step out of their comfort zone and go talk to the Shepherd.  They felt more comfortable talking to each other. (Now that DOES sound like I thought I was better than them... Doesn't it? Well, don't lose your head about it, I knew I wasn't any better.)

Enter the "poor me" syndrome i suffer from constantly, it seems, and you'd find that I was pretty bitter; and I've realized I even got a little mean... Ok maybe a lot mean. I made fun of them in my head, OK??!?!? Yes, I know I'm a jerk, you don't have to tell me.

Maybe I'm being tested.  Maybe things are like this because God wants to see what I'll do next... not like He wouldn't already know.  But I know one thing for sure... I have no idea what is going on.

As for those "sheep"? I'm sure they are happy.  Things are going very well for them.  And I'm happy about that for them.  But as hard as I've tried, joining them just isn't in the cards for me.

March 5 starts another Lent season.  Ash Wednesday.  And for Lent this year will I be doing anything? Sure, Dating God.  That's all I've ever known to do.  But this year I'm not doing it to find a husband.  This year I'm doing it because I can't imagine a life without God.  Maybe I'm not ever going to get married.  I honestly have no desire to date, so I just don't see how that could change.  No I'm not going to try online dating, and no I don't want to meet someone at a bar or on a blind date.

Doomed to live alone forever.  Forever single...  Atleast I have a cat.