Funny story, I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. I tried really hard to do just that in my surroundings, but you know what I got from that?
I was told that I was scary.
Yeah, maybe I'm loud, and crazy... but my heart is genuine, and it seriously hurt me when the people I expected to be more accepting turned out to be more hypocritical.
It doesn't matter who I mean, what matters is how I'm going to react to it.
So maybe people don't get me. Okay, I can be a bit of a puzzle, I guess, but what I'm really finding is that it's more that the people I'm trying to get to see me are actually more blind than they realize. I find it funny that in Christianity it's promoted to be forgiving, full of mercy, grace, and truth.. but those are the very things that are never really shown. Don't agree? Well that's fine, you can have your own opinion in this, but the one place I have had to fight for those very things is not usually the outside world, it's within the walls of the Church and the hearts of the Christians who occupy them.
Don't take this wrong, I am NOT saying they are horrible people. They aren't. But I am saying that its a bit frustrating finding those very people who are supposed to be there for you because you are "family" to be the least likely to help.
You know what's ironic? I sought out comfort from a church because I felt like a black sheep in my family, but instead of feeling welcome and part of them I feel more like a black sheep than ever. Maybe it's just me being a girl, who knows, I do tend to over-think things.. but I just can't shake the feeling that I am always the one that not many understands, even fewer reaches out to, and very little sympathize with.
I'm trying to break this down, because it happens a lot to me. And I just can't seem to figure it out. What I've come up with is that I'm not one that hides the fact that I'm tired, or cranky, or frustrated.. but I also hate it when people assume somethings wrong if there isn't a smile plastered on my face. There must be a problem, or something wrong if Jossyb isn't smiling, cause God knows you should always be smiling!!
No. You are confusing me with Barbie. She always has a smile on her face, that's why they pay her the big bucks. Me?... If I'm anything I'm honest. I'd rather tell you the truth then lie and here's the truth, you need to get to know me more because I have more emotions than just being happy. And one of them is feeling calm. You know what that looks like? Me not jumping around or smiling. I'm BEING CALM.
People drive me crazy. I analyze myself enough, I don't want a million people doing it as well, and if I wanted to I'd go to a freaking psychologist thank you.
I know this seems like I can't stand people, but I really do still like people in spite of how annoying they can be. Go ahead, correct my grammar... suck the fun out of new things for me, ruin surprises, eat my candy, take my stuff... but I'm not kidding when I say you'll always have a friend in me. I'm just wired that way.
I don't like being that person that holds things against another. I have this crazy desire to separate a person from their actions.. but giving a person freedom to change is not ideal in a world full of people who want the bad guy to suffer instead of get better. If anything its made me more enemies than friends. How dare I want someone to change for the good? They must be punished forever!! But I'm not that person. I'm simply that person that wants that from others.. If I make a stupid mistake I'd like to know that there is someone in my life who'll say that my mistakes don't define me, my triumph's do.
So maybe this is why I'm so horribly frustrated with people stating I am scary. If anything I'm the least of their worries. Unless the truth is what really scares them. And I'm sorry, but it is in my DNA to be honest. I can't help it. If you want to know whether I think you are an idiot or not for something you did I'll tell you, otherwise don't ask me and then label me scary for telling you the truth. And next time you see me and I'm not smiling don't automatically jump to the conclusion that something is wrong. And don't ask me how I'm feeling. I hate that.
No worries though. We'll still be cool. Unless you eat my last bit of ice cream... than all bets are off.
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