"You'll get through this: Hope and help for your turbulent times."
Now maybe it was a coincidence and had nothing to do with anything. Believe what you want, but at that moment the words coming from my screen made a whole lot of sense and brought me to tears.
Goodness is my heart heavy lately.
I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I'm more sensitive than ever. Why? Because I've been shaken. Life has burnt me, broken me, tormented me... and won't let up. The minute the dust clears from one attack I barely have time to take cover for another.
I feel like I'm fighting a war.
My biggest battle has been going on for a few months now, and I was doing my best to keep from surrendering to the things that are trying to take me down, but I was barely hanging on.
Or so I thought.
One thing God has been trying to get through to me lately is that His grip on my life is not circumstantial. His hands are not wimpy, and His words are not fleeting.
My life may seem to be in the midst of a storm, but I can't help still trusting Him. And I believe Him when He says that "He's got this".
And that's what He keeps telling me.
"Dry your tears. I've got this."
But that makes me cry more. Because I can't help it.
When I thought of my future I had dreams. I wanted so much. But then life happened and I had to put it on hold. All the expectations that go along with choosing to raise my son had pushed my plans further to the future.
Ok, I said. I'll wait. I'll just raise my son. And then I started planning his future. I never expected that I'd have to deal with life changing those plans! But it has. Alas I'm having to deal with other things. Instead of buying baseball gloves and shoes for practice or worrying about sport schedules I have other kinds of scheduling struggles. Struggles that I'm not proud of and that I want to go away. But they won't. Ever.
So then God comes back in... "Stop worrying, I have a plan, I've got this"
And I hear God, but I'm still crying, because I can't help it. I've got too much on my mind.
Then I remember other things. Things like, how many times did I say I'd be patient and wait? How many times did I say I would be strong and hold to my convictions? And then the waiting started. And it's still going on. Years later. I'm going to believe, I said. No matter what. And the "what"? Is the waiting. No matter the "waiting". Friend after friend getting married, having babies... and I wait. Because that's not what my life is about right now, and I'm okay with that... sometimes... but then sometimes I'm not...
And I hear God again... "Keep waiting Jocelynn, it's all part of the plan, I've got this."
So I take a deep breath, but I'm still crying, because I'm tired. And sad. And overwhelmed. I want it to end. I want the "missiles of life" to stop dropping on me. I want the waiting to end, and I want the sadness to go away.
What's my lesson today? Though the heart is heavy, it still beats. Though the tears are many, there are still reasons to smile. And though things seem darkest than ever... it's always darkest before the dawn. The sun will rise. Winter will end, and this season has a purpose for good.
No matter the struggles, strength doesn't come when you give up, it comes when you keep going. And even if the answer is not what you expected that shouldn't make you stop trying. There are no cookie-cutter lives.
We all have our bumps and bruises, some are just more visible than others.
And remember what God said. "I've got this."
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