Cut the cord…

 

I had something on my mind this morning, and it’s a very sore subject for me.  Mostly because how I think is not shared or understood by the people who are guilty of treating me this way.

I fully believe that you should love people as Jesus tells us too.  And I believe that you should forgive, and not carry grudges.

But I do NOT believe that I should allow things in my life that only make me feel badly about myself.  I had been praying and talking to God for a long time about feeling better about myself… to help me have a better perception of myself.  And when I was around Godly people I never thought badly about myself.  But then when I went around the people who knew me as “family” they never changed any behavior towards me that hurt me.  In my family I was always the black sheep.  I never really fit in.  And I fought so hard for so long just to have a relationship with them, but then my eyes were opened.  Why in the world was I fighting for that?? I know that they say that family is something that will always be there for you, but my friend, family is more to me than just blood.  I have brothers and sisters that I didn’t grow up with.  I have people watching out for me and pouring encouragement into my life!  And did you know, when I decided to “Date God” and live my life for Christ the only family that supported me was not blood-related.

So I’m going to say that if your blood related family has only hurt you or brought you down, then maybe its time to let God teach you about His family.

I still very much love my family.  I have been working on forgiving them.  But that does not mean I have to have a relationship with them.  For years of me always sacrificing and going to do what they wanted I’ve had enough now. 

I want to be a good sister, but I’ve decided to be a good sister to those who God has placed in my life from His family.  Those are the ones who don’t treat family like a dumping place for all your bad life issues.. instead its a place of encouragement, strength, love, and teaching.

I’m sure my family disagrees with me.  They’ve never seen things from my point of view, instead I’ve always had an expectation over my head to do things for the “family” that have definitely worn me out. 

How do you know when you need to do this?  Well, when you leave a get together feeling pretty horrible about your life because everyone likes to make you feel like your lacking maybe it’s time.  Or when you pray the whole way TO the get together that you will be strong.. maybe its time.

I’m not saying to stop loving them.  I’m not saying to not forgive them.  But I am saying you don’t have to give them all of yourself out of guilt.  It’s time to cut the cord, and build healthy boundaries, not walls, boundaries.  To protect your heart..

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Psalm 4:23nlt

God-Esteem

Written on February 15, 2010

So I had something on my mind and I'd like to share it with you!

For a long time I was insecure about my looks, and hated myself. I was always jealous of my sisters and felt like who I was wasn't enough. Well, God brought me to a place in my life where I had a mirror in front of me and I was forced to see who I was. He has shown me that even though there are things I didn't like about myself, He Himself had created me. And I was created this way for a reason. Yes I can be insecure sometimes. There are things I wish I could change, and still things I do change. But ultimately I have to trust that God knew what He was doing when He created me. I have to trust He did it for a reason, and accept that it was for my good. All those things about myself that bother me, my height, my hair color, even my shoe size... things I wish I could change but can't (even though I can dye my hair, that doesn't actually change the color) are things that He chose especially for me, to make me who I am. He designed me not to look like Britney Spears or Beyonce, or any other person, but to look like Jocelynn. Because that's who I am. He loves me and when He looks at me He doesn't say, boy your butt has gotten big, or geez what's with the bad hair day, don't you own a brush? No. God looks at me as a job well done and is happy with His work.

God gives us proof that He loves us completely through and through:
And God saw everything that He had made, and behold, it was very good (suitable, pleasant) and He approved it completely. And there was evening and there was morning, a sixth day.  Genesis 1:31

He knows what you're thinking even before you think it. 
For the Lord searches all hearts and minds and understands all the wanderings of the thoughts.  1 Chronicles 28:9

O LORD, you have searched me [thoroughly] and have known me.
You know my downsitting and my uprising; You understand my thought afar off.
You sift and search out my path and my lying down, and You are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word in my tongue [still unuttered], but, behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. Psalm 139:1-4

So if He knows us thoroughly, then I have no doubt that He also knows our insecurities. And He is the giver of our security.
He makes my feet like the hinds' [firm and able]; He sets me secure and confident upon the heights.  2 Samuel 22:34

So I think I can also be confident that when He is on my side and I look to Him, I can be at peace with who I am. And know that I have a strong interceptor.
What then shall we say to [all] this? If God is for us, who [can be] against us? [Who can be our foe, if God is on our side?]  Romans 8:31
Who shall bring any charge against God's elect [when it is] God Who justifies [that is, Who puts us in right relation to Himself? Who shall come forward and accuse or impeach those whom God has chosen? Will God, Who acquits us? ]Romans 8:33

So what do I say to those who try to pull me down? Honestly, when I think about it, they did not create me so they do not know my purpose, and they cannot break me.
For You girded me with strength for the battle; those who rose up against me You subdued under me.  2 Samuel 22:40

There will be times when I will have to stand up for myself, and trust that who I am is enough. But God doesn't just equip us, He also goes before us to fight for us when we have no strength left in us.
For the Lord your God is He Who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to save you.  Deuteronomy 20:4

And I would never be foolish enough to believe that I could ever go forward into anything alone. He is my strength. I rest in His Word alone. 
[God] is wise in heart and mighty in strength; who has [ever] hardened himself against Him and prospered or even been safe?  Job 9:4

The point is to trust Him. He knows what He is doing. You are who you are for a reason. Whether you like it or not is not the point. To Him you are His beautiful creation. And God doesn't make junk. So buck up! Look to the sky and trust your Father. He loves you for who you are. You don't need to change a thing to get His approval. He's just waiting for you to realize that His approval is all that matters.

13For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother's womb.
14I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well.
15My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret [and] intricately and curiously wrought [as if embroidered with various colors] in the depths of the earth [a region of darkness and mystery].
16Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them.
17How precious and weighty also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!(E)
18If I could count them, they would be more in number than the sand. When I awoke, [could I count to the end] I would still be with You.

Man enough to answer.

Written on October 17, 2009

Here's a poem from a recent book I've read that really has changed my thinking...

The book is I kissed dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris. The poem is A Woman's Question, by Lena Lathrop. Some of the words might seem old-fashioned, but the message is timeless.

Do you know you have asked for the cosliest thing Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life- And a woman's wonderful love.
Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win, With the reckless dash of a boy.
You have written my lesson of duty out, Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul Until I shall question thee.
You require your mutton shall always be hot, Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God's stars And pure as His heaven your soul.
You require a cook for your mutton and beef, I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts- I look for a man and a king.
A king for the beautiful realm called Home, And a man that his Maker, God.
Shall look upon as He did on the first And say, "It is very good."
I am fair and young, but the rose may fade From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves, As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?
Is your heart an ocean so strong and true, I may launch my all on it's tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell On the day she is made a bride.
I require all things that are grand and true, All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life To be all you demand of me.
If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life Are not to be won that way.

An excerpt from the book:
To girls reading this book, I pray this poem serves as a reminder to keep your standards HIGH. Require all things that are "grand and true." As you consider the possibility of marriage, don't lower your standards for a moment; any guy who asks you to do so…

ISN'T WORTH YOUR TIME.

Men, can’t live with ‘em.. can’t live without ‘em.

Written on October 8, 2009

Well, something has been bothering me lately so my thought is to get it out. So here you go, you are welcome for my fabulous opinion, but take it as just that.

So my mom sent me an email about shoppers found in Wal-Mart. A majority of the shoppers were males dressed as females, and there was even one of an old man with fake boobs. Now at first I thought this was pretty funny. But if I think back over my experience as a JCPenney sales associate there has been more than one instance of a male dressed as a woman. Now don't get me wrong, this is their right to do what they want, and I have no plan to go and judge them. But my thought is this, what happened along the way where men are no longer men? I'm not talking about cowboys or army men, but hey that's even in question so maybe I am.

The reason I'm wondering about this is that I have a 9 year old boy who I want to raise to be a man of God. You know, the King David type...a man after God's own heart, or a Daniel who's willing to face a pack of lions because he didn't want to worship a man. Or a John, the disciple Jesus loved, or Paul who was definitely a powerful man of God. I want my son to be a strong God-fearing man. A man who's willing to stick up for his beliefs. A man who will love his wife and treat her as he'd treat himself. Patient and kind. A man of heart. Who knows love by definition of 2 corinthians 13, not by the worlds standards because it seems to me this world is very confused. They don't know what they want or where they are going.

I want my son to be bold. But I'm afraid that this world will not honor him the way he should be. Men are a dying breed. Is it really a surprise that marriage's fail, and young girls are left pregnant and alone when these boys are not trained how to be men? But first there must be a leader. One who knows what a real man should be. I believe only God could fill that postion. And let me make this clear.. real men are not wife beaters, or bullies. They are not supposed to be dominating or abusive. Real men love their wive's as themself. If they are not married real men should be protecting us women as sisters because that's what we need. We need men to stand up and protect us. Not to overpower us, but to stand up for us.

That's where faith comes in. I've been growing quite a bit over the last few years and I feel a bit wiser in this area then when I first started out. I believe it's made me a better person. But I also believe that men are not the whole problem. Us women are to blame too. I realize how hard it was to get us this far for voting privileges and the right to work. But did we really intend on an outcome like this? I think the role of a man has been distorted. The fact that they are no longer the bread winner is not the only problem. Now it's like they don't even have to chase the girls anymore because the girls have taken matters into their own hands. For those of us that choose to be patient and wait we are pretty much SOL aren't we? There are girls out there williing to drop their pants just to make a guys tongue hang out, for no other reason then the fact that they can. I think their behavior is immature and disgusting. And guys don't know any better, so they fall for it because unlike women they have two heads that they think with. So where are all the women?? The one's who should be protecting them? And I don't mean by kicking some chicks butt because she looked at your man. I mean the ones who are discreet enough to not give away the farm when they go out in public. Seriously.

My point is this...we are all to blame. Men need to step up and be men. And women need to step up and let them. It takes strength on both parts.

My son wants to be an engineer. And he wants to be a Pastor, and an army man. The point is he's dreaming. I want him to be able to dream and grow and become a great man. Is that too much to ask?

Carnival Rides

Written July 6,2009

On Saturday I spent the day with my sister who lives in Mass. We enjoyed relaxing by the pool, then a fun game of dominoes...Sammy made me lose! I blame him for the loss.

After my oldest sister Jen came we all decided to meet up with my mom and go into town to watch the fireworks. I had no intention of buying tickets to go on the rides, and wasn't about to spend grocery money on carnival food, except for cotton candy, so my sister Jen took Ethan with my mom and her kids and bought some tickets for him to go on a ride because she didn't want him to feel left out.

Then Jen thought it would be fun to go on the Pirate ship. Ethan was feeling brave, having never been on the Pirate ship before, and was excited. Me, being afraid of heights, I opted out. (No surprise to them) As they were about to start the ride my sister Jillianne decided to freak Ethan out and told him the ride went upside down. Yeah, pretty mean. He got really nervous and I watched my son go from cool to really freaked, and wanted to get off. No one listened and they started the ride. I felt powerless as I watched him hold on for dear life as the ride started to climb, higher and higher.

My heart was in my throat and I almost had an anxiety attack, but I kept my cool because I wanted to show Ethan everything was okay (which it was because I was over-reacting). But still...do you know how horrible it felt to have to watch as my son experiences a pretty scary moment and not be able to hold his hand and not tell him it was going to be okay? I hated every second of it, but I knew it had to happen. I realized that Ethan has to experience scary moments, and will experience scary moments without me. I watched my sister sitting next to him trying to get him to lift his hands and enjoy the ride, and you know, near the end he did. I was so proud, I almost cried. The ride ended and I ran to meet him to show him I was watching over him and that I was there and everything was okay. He was pretty scared still and uttering things like, "That ride was freaky" and "Auntie Jilly lied and told me it went upside down, I was really scared"...But I got to hold his hand and talk to him about it. I wanted him to know I was there, he was reassured that everything was okay, and that even though that was a scary moment he wasn't alone, he was loved and had someone waiting to comfort him after it was over.

I've had a lot of scary moments in my life. My house burnt down when I was thirteen, I lost my recital dress in the snow(still upset about that), lived through hurricane Bob, drove through New York City with window washer people trying to take my money (they had no idea I was broke too), got pregnant at 16, my son has had multiple injuries that have nearly given me a heart attack, and there are so many more that I wouldn't be able to list them all.

My point is this: Through it all I have someone I can go to to talk about all these scary moments. Someone to reassure me that they were there through it all, watching over me, waiting for the moment I would come to them and look for that reassurance. Someone to talk to through it, to help me through it, and to teach me to grow from it.

I'm glad my son was brave enough to get on that ride. The excitement of something new was stronger than the fear, and I'm glad it was. In life we will have opportunities to either experience something new, or run for fear of change. Ethan didn't run. He went for it. And just like him I'm doing the same sort of thing in my life. I'm stepping out, and trying new things. And just like Ethan, the excitement is stronger then the fear. You just have to have faith. So I think next time I go to the carnival I just might get on the Pirate ship!

-Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase...
Martin Luther King Jr

What my son’s cleaning ability taught me…

(Another throwback! Circa April 4, 2009 haha… I’m vintage.. *wink*)

Today is Saturday. I have a whole day of errands to run. The laundry needs to be washed, bills need to be paid, stuff needs to be mailed, gotta go grocery shopping and there's more! But when I looked into my son's room I realized it needed some attention. So I came up with a brilliant plan to get my son to clean his room... we'd have a race. My room was just as bad, if not worse, so whoever could get done cleaning first would be the winner and get to pick where we eat lunch.

Now you should know that I never intended on winning. I wanted Ethan to win. So he got excited and started cleaning. Every now and then he would say he was almost done and I would say it back so that he would continue to clean. He was really cleaning, and having fun! I did get a kick out of his happiness and even though I was pretty much done I never said a word, remember, I wanted him to win.

Moments later he announced that he was finished. I went into his room and indeed, it looked as though he was finished. I brought the vacuum in and started vacuuming. I was very impressed. His bed was made, and he had his stuffed animals lined up neatly on it. But as I took a closer look I realized something. He had paper sticking out from under his bureau. Ah, yes. That's when I moved his bureau and found a LOAD of crap underneath. I'm not sure if he stuffed it under there, or if he just ignored it, but it was there. Then I looked under his bed. By now Ethan was feeling discouraged. I had started to pull everything out from all his hidden places. I stopped my cleaning to help him because it was obvious that he needed it. I helped because I wanted the room cleaned the right way, but I refused to help with the things I knew he could do himself.

It was about this time when I started to see a mirror. How I was seeing Ethan, is how God is seeing me.

With every piece of clothing I hung up, or drawer I emptied out is was as if I could actually hear God saying.. "This is how I see you." I brought out all his dirty laundry and remade his bed (his sheet was backwards... I'm a bit of a perfectionist) I finished up the bed with new pillow cases and then took out all his dirty dishes. He managed the rest, but saw that I had given up my chance to win, and that's when he did something that touched my heart. He said that if he wins he wants me to pick the restaurant. He was willing to trust me with what we had for lunch. I had a hunch it was because I was willing to give up my chance to win to help him.

Have you gotten goosebumps yet? I do! What I learned through this adventure with my son was a few things. First, God wants me to clean out my life. He wants me to pick up the floors of my heart and mind. For obvious reasons, you can't really be productive with a dirty life. I always found that when my room was dirty I didn't want to spend much time in there, or if I did it always made me unsettled. So who could live with a dirty life? That's where God comes in for me. He is there to help me clean up my life.

Sometimes my room was so overwhelmingly dirty though that I couldn't do it without the help of my mother. And that's what God was trying to show me today. Just as I had helped Ethan with the things that I knew he couldn't take care of himself, God is helping me with the things in my heart that I can't clean out myself. He's willing to come into my room and focus on helping me to not only clean myself up, but to do it right. Including all those dark hidden places. He checks "under my bed" and my bureau. And even makes sure what I've done almost right is shown to me the correct way.

Eventually my hope is that I won't have to help Ethan clean his room. I help him with it now, so that when he gets older he can do it alone. Honestly I don't want to be one of those mothers who cleans the room and washes the laundry of a thirty year old. They should be quite capable by then. And if he ever really needs me, I want to be there. I've been teaching him all along, his entire life. From when he was born to now. He's learned to walk, talk, eat solid food, use the potty, how to treat others, how to get dressed and from there it get's more complicated.

Life is about learning for me. All we do is learned behavior. Recently I've had to relearn a lot. I've had to change my thinking and I think it's for the better. It's made me a nicer person. I love to give and to help others. And I don't want to stop here! I want more out of life, but I realize now I need my Father to show me the right way. He hasn't let me down yet, so I can trust Him with those things in my heart that I can't do myself. And just as Ethan decided to let me pick the restaurant, because God takes the time to help me I want Him to choose the things in my life. The bible has told me plenty of good things about God's intentions for me. So I know that I can trust Him. And like I said, He hasn't let me down yet!

Everytime I see Ethan's face I can't help but laugh...

One Year Later

(It’s a throwback kinda morning! Originally written on April 1, 2009..)

So it's been a long year. I made a decision on Easter last year to stop dating for a year. I didn't do it because I was a "Man-hater" or because I was confused. Actually, I did it in spite of that. I had recently broke a two and a half year dead end relationship with someone that I thought I loved. But I can see it now for what it was. I was blind, and now my eyes are wide open.

Looks like I learned my lesson, I hope, and things will go differently for me now. I can't exactly pretend it didn't happen, but I realized what needed to be done. I used the year to grow spiritually. I "dated" God. I wanted to get to know this so called Creator. So I used the year to study the bible, and pray and change my thinking. This worked out for me because I realized I had been missing out on something that I never knew I had... confidence.

Suddenly I found myself in uncharted territory. I had no idea how to find God, so I started in the most simple and obvious place. The bible. I started reading from the beginning. To be honest it wasn't easy, but it got easier. It has taught me the very character of God, and who we are to Him. We are not random molecules without meaning. We have a purpose and a future, and I needed to know that because I was starting to get dragged down by meaninglessness. I needed meaning, otherwise, what was the point of living? With no purpose life is just a series of random actions, with random outcomes and I am random and not special. I didn't want to think that way anymore. I wanted more out of life, and that's when God's Word came to life... literally. I began to really understand what I was reading, and could apply it to my life. And I gained a purpose.

Even though my family thought I was crazy I continued on with my decision.  I went to work with a new attitude, I no longer went in feeling overworked, but with a renewed sense of wanting to do the best for my "heavenly boss". I had the conviction to work on being on time, because I knew God would know whether I was ten minutes late, and I wanted to be a good and dependable worker. And I can honestly say I am proud of myself for leaving at a decent time so I can arrive on time (Although Ethan does NOT make it very easy sometimes).. I have a respect for the people I work with and the authorities above me. And mostly a respect for the work itself.

And out of this, I grew closer to someone who is the best friend I will ever have (other than Jesus).. she is working on not dating either, and whether she likes it or not it's been a year for her too! Over the last few years it's always been Judi that I called because she is so wise, she always knew what to say to bring me out of a funk or help me to see the brighter side. And when I needed a kick in the butt she gave it to me. I know my sisters are going to be ticked, but when I get married I want her to be my maid of honor (that's a big fat when) .. I love you JUDI!!!

And now here I am. As my nana calls it, I'm in my 27th year. I can read the bible and now see it as the Word of God. I can pray and now feel the Presence of God. And colors seem brighter, the wind seems to sing and rainy days don't bum me out anymore. So I guess you could say that I'm in love, but not in the way I thought I would be. Let me just say that this year has been unexpected, it has changed my life, and the way I look at it.

I've learned that life is going to suck sometimes. Things aren't always going to go my way. I'm not going to get everything I want, and I'll have to work hard to keep what I have. Things will go wrong, people will let me down, favorite shoes will break and I will gain just enough weight so that I can't fit into any of my favorite clothes. But there has been one constant. One thing that hasn't changed. God. I gave Him a chance because I wanted to test it. I was a little skeptical, but I've been shown something. When I'm traveling in the right direction, things seem to fall into place. He was always there to listen to my troubles or sorrows, and whenever I felt like I needed Him something always worked it's way into my path to remind me He was there.

And when I passed by again, I saw that you were old enough for love. So I wrapped my cloak around you to cover your nakedness and declared my marriage vows. I made a covenant with you, says the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine.  Ezekiel 16:8

Win that battle!

This is a post I wrote on August 25, 2011.. I thought is was worth repeating.

~ 8 While the people of Israel were still at Rephidim, the warriors of Amalek attacked them. 9 Moses commanded Joshua, “Choose some men to go out and fight the army of Amalek for us. Tomorrow, I will stand at the top of the hill, holding the staff of God in my hand.”

10 So Joshua did what Moses had commanded and fought the army of Amalek. Meanwhile, Moses, Aaron, and Hur climbed to the top of a nearby hill. 11 As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. 12 Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. 13 As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle. Exodus 17:8-13~

This is a story of triumph, but most of all a story of those who were willing to lay down their own agenda and work together.

It gets straight and to the point when the chapter begins.  The Israelites where in trouble, Moses wasted no time deliberating, instead he took action.  It says nowhere in the chapter about Moses contemplating what to do either, he just knew.  In the past the staff he was given gave him victory over many things.  It was what God used to convince the Egyptians to let the Israelite’s go, and just in the previous chapter all he did was strike a rock and water flowed from it.  So Moses didn’t even think twice, there was a battle ahead of them, he grabbed the staff and held it up as Joshua and some of the men went to fight.  By the way, does it mention Joshua second-guessing Moses? Nope.  Joshua just went right out and did what he was told.  Then we read of Moses dropping his hand and that led to the Amalekites gaining the advantage… so Moses must have just been like, “Oh well, I tried.” Right?  Of course not!  In that moment Aaron and Hur put two and two together and realized that Moses needed to keep that staff held up if they were going to win the battle!  So not only did they stand by him, but they first gave him a stone to sit on, a place of rest!  Then they stood on each side of him and held up his hands together.

What an emotionally empowering moment.  Imagine a time in your life when you knew something had to be done, but was unable to go through it alone… now imagine you have not one but two amazing people willing to stay with you through it, giving you rest, and encouragement until it was done!  Now there are a handful of people this story names, and each one of them had to give something up in order to do what was required of them.  Joshua and his men had to drop what they were doing and go fight a battle, one that lasted ALL DAY. And it sounds like this battle was a see-saw.  Then there was Moses, having to stand at the top of a hill and hold up a staff.  You try holding up your arm for a few minutes, before long you’re gonna get tired!  But Moses had to do it until the sun went down.  So along come Aaron and Hur.  They both know the situation and step up to help their leader because they knew he needed it.

We are all called to something, whether it’s being the Moses who has the staff to hold up, or Joshua who goes forward into battle, or Aaron and Hur who simply stood by the side of their leader when he needed it most.  They each played a part, and they were successful because not one second-guessed the need.  They all stepped up and did what needed doing.

If there is something you are facing, don’t go at it alone.  Find someone to help you through!  And if you know of someone who’s facing a battle and they need help, don’t hesitate!  Go help them, because when it’s your turn to face the battle they will remember how you helped them.  Life is a battle, are you doing whatever it takes to win?

Testing 123

This is a test of the emergency Jossyb broadcasting system.  This is only a test.

What's the point? Part 1

I'm thinking back to a time when I was in the middle school..about 6th grade.  There was a girl there who was so desperate for an answer to her very difficult question.. what's the point of life?  I think about her now and wonder what happened to an 11 year old that gives her thoughts like that?  She would go on to say that everything was meaningless.. we wake up, we go to school, we learn, we go home, then go to bed, and then do it all over again.

That never left me.  And the reason it hit me as hard as it did was because I always wondered the same thing.  Some people would say that those who thought that way were suicidal.  But I disagree.  I didn't want to die.  Sometimes I messed around with the idea because I couldn't see a future for myself that I could attain.  All the things I wanted in life were so far from my reach, or just too much work.

Life took on no meaning after that, and I was just sort of on autopilot.  No purpose driving me, no meaning to fulfill my heart.  So I thought I needed what the shows I was watching had.. a boyfriend.  That's why my life had no meaning! I needed a man!  But then there was this other side of me that didn't believe that, and I just didn't have the guts to be that boy-chaser, so instead I sat in my lonely misery.

Did I ever tell you how I came to know Jesus?  I was 16 years old sitting in a youth group that my friend had brought me to with her boyfriend (I was forever the third wheel...it was awesome)(that was sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell) the only thing that stuck out was that I had just found out I was pregnant.  Yep.  I'd rather not tell the story because it's not my shining moment, but I will.  I had met a boy through my sister who seemed to like me.  The night I got pregnant I had chosen to go back with him instead of walking my sister home. The reason I feel so guilty is because it was all over the news that night that there was a convict on the loose behind my house where I lived... and I chose to let her walk home by herself.  Instead I went with this guy I had just met, who brought me back to his room in a basement with a mattress on the floor and nothing else.  I had no idea why I was with this guy.  And I really didn't want to be there, but he liked me, so I shut off that part in my mind that was screaming at me to get out of here and the next thing I know I've just lost my innocence.  I can't really explain what happened because I'm not really sure myself.

So weeks later when I find out I'm pregnant I was shocked.  Or maybe you could say I was in shock.  I had no emotional reaction except for the one I forced myself to have.  My friend was in the room with me when I found out and I felt like maybe being emotionless might look like I didn't care, so I pretended to be really angry.. but really I didn't feel anything.  I had been floating along in life at this point with no real emotion towards anything.  I had been told multiple times by family that we don't cry, and shown that emotions were bad.  So now I take you back to that night in youth group, as I was kneeling at the alter. There was a woman who had come up to pray with me and asked me what I needed prayer for.  I told her I didn't know how to tell my parents that I was pregnant, but the truth is I didn't really care about that.  I just didn't know how to live life anymore.  Things were happening and I was going the direction they were carrying me, like I was being swept away in a current and I wasn't fighting it.  The woman that prayed with me gave me a scripture that night.  One that I'm sure she was trying to give me to keep me from having an abortion, but what really happened was my eyes were opened to something else.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts,a God!  How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you. Psalm 139:13-18

A woman that was a stranger to me was answering a question that I could never answer... and it was found in the bible.

The question? Am I meaningless? Do I matter?

That's when it started.  Life was taking on this shape.. it started gaining meaning.  Instead of being this bag of bones walking around without purpose I was given a purpose in life.. I was given a goal to strive for.. to know this God who had created me and loved me.  He became my direction, and as long as I went toward Him good things happened.  My desire was to find Who was speaking this to me.  And year after year I got answers.  Sometimes they were harsh, and hurt, sometimes they were comforting.. but they were answers nonetheless.

Life isn't over yet.  There are more ways to know God, and that's just mind-boggling for me.. the fact that I can never fully understand or know God.  But I know one day I will see Him, face to face, and we'll have a long talk, and finally I'll see the point.

African air

I never got a chance to really talk about how Africa has affected my life and who I want to be.

Oh Africa.  How I do miss the air out there.  When I say air, I don't mean the kind you breathe, because as far as oxygen goes I don't think it was the greatest out there... especially with all the trash burning.  But the air I'm referring to was the feeling it produced.

While in Africa I got glimpses of a life I could have.  A person I could be.  I've never felt better than when I was over there.  There were moments when I really wished I was married because I didn't like being looked at like I was a piece of meat at a market, but heck, that never really happens here in America, so I guess it didn't feel awful **wink**.

No, Africa brought out a part of me that I really wasn't sure how to bring out in myself.  And that is the part that is not afraid to believe in God or practice my faith.  I almost feel ashamed to write that, but the truth is when I am here I am afraid to show that side.  I go to church and believe that God loves me, but I've never really demonstrated my faith.  I know a lot. I say a lot.  But I don't do a lot. If you're reading this and know me and think I'm being too hard on myself let me give you an example of why this was different in Africa.

There was a moment where I sat in a chair, a man to my left who was helping translate English to the children crowding in front of me to be interviewed.  The children were all standing in front of me on a stage made of concrete.  The walls that surrounded us were made of metal and wires.  This was one of the many slums of Nairobi, Kenya we had visited.  The children in front of me were no different than the children of America when it comes to dreams of growing up.  They wanted to be doctors, nurses, pilot's, professional soccer players, and more! These children captured my heart.  There was one child that came to me and when I finished interviewing her she seemed a little more quiet than any of the others.  In fact she had pretty much whispered all her answers to my questions.  I just wanted to know this little girl more.. so I asked her if there was anything she wanted me to know about her.  She answered that her mother was sick with a chest cold. She wanted me to pray for her.  I took this moment to practice the one thing I've always felt bound in... I brought her in front of me and told her the story of the man in the bible who asked Jesus to heal without even being there...

The Faith of a Roman Officer
When Jesus had finished saying all this to the people, he returned to Capernaum. At that time the highly valued slave of a Roman officer was sick and near death. When the officer heard about Jesus, he sent some respected Jewish elders to ask him to come and heal his slave. So they earnestly begged Jesus to help the man. “If anyone deserves your help, he does,” they said, “for he loves the Jewish people and even built a synagogue for us.”
So Jesus went with them. But just before they arrived at the house, the officer sent some friends to say, “Lord, don’t trouble yourself by coming to my home, for I am not worthy of such an honor. I am not even worthy to come and meet you. Just say the word from where you are, and my servant will be healed. I know this because I am under the authority of my superior officers, and I have authority over my soldiers. I only need to say, ‘Go,’ and they go, or ‘Come,’ and they come. And if I say to my slaves, ‘Do this,’ they do it.”
When Jesus heard this, he was amazed. Turning to the crowd that was following him, he said, “I tell you, I haven’t seen faith like this in all Israel!” And when the officer’s friends returned to his house, they found the slave completely healed. Luke 7:1-10nlt

And then I told her about Jesus giving us the power to do all He had done and more...

“Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father.“Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.“If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it. John 14:12-14

These are the scriptures to back up what I told her.  These scriptures were things that I just remembered in that moment and gave me faith to tell to her.  I asked her if we could pray for her mother in that moment, she said yes.  After telling her these truths from the bible I asked her if she believed, she said yes.  So I had all the children and some of my team come over and we all prayed for her mother.  It was strange, at the moment we were praying I could feel this little girls faith.  I almost feel like I understand what Jesus meant when He asked who had touched Him in the crowd of people...

A large crowd followed and pressed around him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.
At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”
“You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ”
But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:24-34

I felt this girls faith.  And at that moment I believed God's ability to heal this little girls mother.  Faith like that is hard to come by here.  I am surrounded by reminders of why not.  Why believe God for these things if there are hospitals and doctors and pills and so many remedies to help?  Don't get me wrong, I believe that these things can be very good and helpful.  But what about healing in an instant?  What about a faith where you believed and at that moment you believed it became true.  Sort of like a light switching on.  The light comes on and the darkness is gone.

And it's not just healing that held me back with belief.  I had nothing telling me how to be happy.  No advertisements telling me that if I didn't have this stupendous car or house or electronic device I couldn't possibly be happy.  None of that was there.  And yet they had the best fruit I've ever tasted.  And the best chicken I'd ever tasted! Dancing and singing came naturally to me there.  I found myself singing everywhere I went.  No I didn't have a fancy car driving me around, but I did have the company of friends who cared about me, friends who laughed with me, cried with me, and enjoyed the things we all saw together with me.

We were in Africa.  A place with the name of poverty written all over it.  A third world country full of despair and sadness?  But that's not what God showed me.

In fact, God showed me it was all a lie.  That continent has God's heart.  He loves Africa.  And it's not hard to see why.  Everywhere we went there were signs of a land who depended on Him.  The love for God was strong, and captivating.  The people seemed tired, but I think they might be starting to believe the lie too.  The truth is that the place I visited was beautiful.  The people were beautiful.  And I could finally breathe there.  (despite the air)

And now being home I'm remembering everything and I dream of returning to Africa so I can breathe again.  And it will definitely happen again soon.