It's been a while since I last posted, but I've taken this time to go over some thoughts in my head and where I felt God wanted this to go. I think I got it now...
So in the first blog titled "Feeling so exposed" I started off speaking about how bad things can come crashing into our lives, knocking us over and taking away our sense of security. Life events tend to change us.. recently we had a hurricane come through and remind us of how crazy and unpredictable life can really be. Everyone was so skeptical of the coming hurricane they didn't take it seriously. It's just the news blowing it up again like with Hurricane Irene. Why worry? It's never that bad. I watched as the people of New York and New Jersey confidently chose to stay in their homes. Kind of like the people who chose to stay in New Orleans.. convinced that it couldn't possibly be that bad. Or maybe they didn't want to believe it. Who knows. What I do know is that this storm stripped people down to the bare boards. Homes were demolished, burnt, flooded, and gutted. Things that once surrounded them were taken. All washed away. Walls, ceilings, and a sturdy floor. For most the only thing they had were the clothes on their backs and their lives. I'm willing to bet they felt pretty exposed.
Then there was blog number 2 titled "Something where there was nothing". I started to speak about life, well, the start of it anyway. I researched what happens at the beginning of life because I have been so surrounded by the end of life. And in seeking that information I found my belief of God knowing me before I was born was made more real. And also I learned that women are born with eggs that will one day become a person. That's freaking amazing if you think about it.
Blog #3 was titled, "Life continues" and hit on my belief a bit deeper explaining how we were all created for a purpose. We are all miracles, and a marvel.
And lastly blog #4 "The good, the bad, and the ugly" touched on the chaos of the world we live in. How everything we see now is a "snowball effect" of the first sin in the garden. All cause and effect from life and consequence.
I imagined I could build this imaginary scene. One where you could see my point. But all I got was myself surrounded by so much more than I expected. I look around me and I see some hard things. Life isn't easy. It never has been, don't fool yourself to think it ever was. Even as a child it wasn't easy. We are just so sheltered as children. We don't see the struggles we face. We are innocent for the most part because our minds have just begun to retain memories. Our lives are simple. Think of a computer that has just been bought.. completely new, only the few programs downloaded from the buyers needs and the programs that are automatically there.. no searches, no work or writings saved on word.. no data.. no anything. That computer only has as much info as it comes with. Like when we are born.. we have no information other than what we need to survive.. breathing, eating, pooping.. you know, that's all stuff that comes naturally. From the second we are born we begin to gain information. Babies learn if they cry they get what is needed at that moment.. if its the fact that they are cold, or hungry, or wet, or want to be held.. whatever it is that baby needs. That's where it starts. Fast forward ten years down the road we've obtained quite a bit of information. We've learned to walk and talk and feed ourselves. At that point we can use the bathroom by our self, clean our self, and dress our self. We tie our own shoes, and we've got the ABC's down and are learning how to apply them in sentence structures. It's a crazy age. It's the age when independence is being exercised, but still needing a lot of direction. And our innocence isn't what it was. Our memories are ten years worth. A lot can happen in ten years.
Let's fast forward another ten years. We are supposedly "adults" by now. Although, I barely feel like an adult and I'm 30, so I don't believe we can consider a 20 year old an adult. I know plenty that shouldn't have that title.
From here I can speak from my own perspective. I hated my twenties. It was a hard time for me because after being a teenager I think I expected there was this magic transformation that I could feel happen to help me shake off my teenage years. That didn't happen. Such a bummer. But what can ya do?
So anyway, at this point I feel like we've jammed a whole lot of life lessons that really stink. Such as our need for guidance, and encouragement. Our desire for love, and acceptance grow stronger. Our need for things that we had no idea we needed starts to eat away at us. Why the desire to have a mate still boggles me. Why do I want relationships? Where does that desire even come from?? But it's there. (I know now, don't worry)
And I realized it more during my twenties then when I was ten. I wasn't as carefree. The world was beginning to weigh on me.
Now fast forward and you find me in my first year of my thirties. I have thirty years of memories. Loads of regrets, things I wish I had done, but for the most part I'm pretty happy with my life. The point? I'm getting there, I promise.
My point is this.. life is not fully felt when we hide behind our stuff. There is all this growing and changing we do over the course of our lives that we pay no mind to. Instead, once we grow we start to shape our lives the way we want it. Fill it with the things we want, find jobs that fit our desires for this stuff that we have to buy. When we hide behind fancy cars or sweet entertainment systems we aren't doing ourselves a favor. And one thing God always says in the Bible is that light always conquers darkness. Meaning all things hidden will eventually be brought out into the light. Imagine you are comfortably living in a home surrounded by all the stuff you have acquired over the years. You think everything's ok until all that stuff around you is gone and you are exposed. I had that happen to my family. When I was 13 our house burnt down. We lost everything we had. We were left with just the clothes on our backs and our lives. But you know what? I look back and see that it took losing everything to see the truth. We had a bunch of walls that surrounded that kept us from seeing things that needed to be seen. We were brought back to the bare bones of things, and forced to see things without walls.
I can't speak for the others, but for myself I realized there was something really wrong with me at that point. I was deep in a depression that made me want to die. I felt invisible, and unappreciated. I was desperately in need of something that I couldn't name. Something that didn't find me until years later.. a relationship with Jesus. And with that relationship I gained meaning and purpose. Slowly my life took on a shape that I wasn't forming, but it was a good form. I gained morals, and learned healthy boundaries. I gained strong lessons that have shaped who I am today. A much wiser, and happier girl than when I was 13. After being stripped of everything, building up from that point wasn't easy, I needed a lot of help. But once I found a strong foundation to build on, I was able to move forward to grow stronger and with God's guidance I've found a path that keeps me sane, and desire to live my life.
We fill our lives with stuff because we think it will make life better. We try our best to survive and get through, but the truth is that stuff is just stuff. Nothing lasts. Not even us. Our lives are so very fragile. The patients I take care of don't regret not buying that plasma 50 foot screen.. they regret not telling their loved ones what they meant to them. They regret not seeing the world, or taking a chance on love.
And you know what else? They think about what happens when their heart has it's final beat. What happens? I don't know. I've watched as a person takes their final breath. The process seems like being born.. only backwards. I hold their hand, I stay close, hoping they feel the presence of another by their side. I have no idea what's going on inside their head. But if I could imagine, I'd think it's a lot like a dream about to wake.. that feeling like you're still asleep, but starting to wake up, only you won't be waking up here.
Life. What a strange thing we have. Every moment, every breath is life continuing. And figuring out what life is about takes time. I'm not saying we shouldn't have nice things, I'm just saying don't think that that's all there is out there. There's more to life then the things we fill it with. And when you realize that, just know that things will change for you. Priorities will shift. Life will gain a new meaning, and things you thought you had figured out will make no sense anymore. But that's just life. Isn't it?
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