Most people who know me know of my obsession for fairy tales. Ever since I was little they've been bouncing around in my brain like tiny little glitter bubbles waiting to escape.. My love of unicorn's and castles is no secret. But something strange has been happening to me and I just don't know what to do with it.
Yes I believe there is magic in this world and that dreams do come true.. but Prince Charming? Happily Ever After? Please tell me why even saying that makes me want to gag. I'm not one of those "I hate lovey-dovey junk and all that has to do with happy crap" people. I'm really not. I'm a romantic. I really am. Just not like I was when I was young. Call me a realist if you must, but lately reality has kinda been like that kid who keeps coming up to you at that party you didn't want to go to and doing whatever they can to annoy you. You don't know who's kid it is, but you're sure you must have done something to this person and they must want revenge. UGH. Reality. I even had the craziest dream the other night about reality. I had stumbled into this amazing world where I had wings like an angel and it was perfect there. The only problem? I knew it wasn't real, and I wanted to escape back to reality. The people in the perfect world tried their hardest to keep me there, I had to escape through tons of doors, and climb out a window to a stairwell that I fought to climb because the perfect world people had me by the foot. Finally I made it to the door to reality and just as I climbed out I woke up from the dream. Nothing like a dose of the real world to shake you back to reality huh?
I think I had this dream for a reason. Call me crazy, but I think I've been living in a fantasy land for far too long. I've taught my mind to create stories, and now I'm trapped in them. Believe me, that was never my intention. I just loved stories so much, reading them, watching them, and even living them. My first relationship never had a chance because of this. And it just so happens that this guy was in my dream too. I was trying to rescue him from my perfect world I had created because he was trapped in it too. In my dream I pretended I had him when I finally escaped out the door, but when I think about it, my hands where empty. I had only rescued myself, because this guy wasn't real.
I met him a long time ago, and my heart tells me I'll never see him again, and that's a good thing. He wasn't a good guy. But I can't help wondering why he was in my dream. I don't remember the last time I even saw his face. I remember when we were together I pretended he was my prince charming, but the truth is I hated him being around. And when he was gone I was relieved, but still, I realized I had no prince. Every girl needs a prince, right?
I look at relationships around me and wonder how they work. Tonight I had a conversation with a good friend about the fact that even the relationships in my family have influenced my choice to stay single. Have I lost hope in finding that certain someone? Maybe. I don't really know. I do know that I've changed the way I think about love and relationships though. I don't believe in soul mates anymore. I don't believe there is only one person out there for everyone. That can't be true. If it is, then what if my soul mate died? Or never meets me? Or marries someone else? I'd be out of luck wouldn't I?
No. I'm starting to think that love is a chance we take. We give ourselves to another person by taking a chance. I also believe that God orchestrates these chances. He puts people on paths to each other, and leaves an open door. They both have the choice to walk through it. If that doesn't happen and that door is closed, well then He opens another door, then another, and another.. until each has walked through the door He has opened for them. It's called grace. And blessings. He puts us all in the path.
I'm sure I've shut the door to many chances God has put in my path. But I'm not giving up hope that He doesn't have any more open doors for me. In fact, I'm waiting for the opportunity to walk through that door as soon as He gives me the chance. Until then, I guess I'm going to have to stay put. But you can bet your butt I'm not standing here quietly. I'm going to do anything and everything He puts in front of me in the meantime. I might as well.. it can get boring with nothing to do, and I have a horrible attention span.
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