I was going over some of my old posts and came across the one called "Suffering in Silence" and I've come to the conclusion that I am a big whiner. You know it's bad when you feel awkward reading your own words.
I was aggravated when I wrote that. As you can plainly see. But there's something I neglected to let myself see.. God doesn't hand out payments or send help to those who are in the midst of a lesson that needs to be learned WITHOUT those things. I complained about the fact that I could count on one hand how many people helped me over the last few years, but neglected to say what I meant... and that is there are only a select few who have helped me financially. That got me angry because I felt looked over, but God lovingly lifted the curtain that's been blinding me these last few years.
How could I be so ignorant? Or ungrateful?? Well, because I'm human, first of all, and because while in the midst of trial we tend to squirm under the pressure. I know I had to let go of some hot gas, and did so by venting about wanting those who are over-looked to not be so over-looked. In the midst of a good hearted idea I had alterior motives. I wanted people to feel bad. But ultimately, I wanted God to feel bad. I know, stupid, but its the truth. I wanted my Father to see how upset I was and give me what I want.
Yeah, that's right, I threw a tantrum.
Did God fall for it? Not so much. God knows me better than I know myself. He knew my motives, He knows my heart, and He knew I was just trying to get His attention.
I have pretty awesome parents here on earth. They did what they could to make sure I was fed, clothed, and had a roof over my head. Then when I told them I was pregnant they did the best thing they could do...they made me face it. Yes my parents helped me, but I was forced to take responsibility. I had to grow up and become who my son needed me to be in order to raise him on my own. I had a hard road ahead of me, and being the naive girl I was I had some nasty surprises headed my way.
I was horrible at keeping jobs. My work ethic stunk, and I just wasn't ready to "commit" to anything I couldn't stand. But my parents didn't care, I was to pay rent, and put my son in daycare and learn to be independent. I couldn't rely on everyone else to do what I could do myself. I had to be more mature than that. So I learned lesson after lesson of how to be independent.
God never left my side during these times, I'm sure of it, because I never ended up on the street. I always had a family take me and Ethan in. Always had food for us both. Always had what I needed. I never went without. My mom and dad did a good job raising me, and I'm glad they didn't step in.
I'm also glad no one else stepped in either. I don't get the chance to be lazy, or to ignore my responsibilities. I have to maintain my living space because everyone else does too. I was so ignorant to the fact that I'm not the only one that has suffered in silence, and wanted to whine about it. I'm sure I'm not the first child of God to whine about having to grow up. And that's just what I've been facing, growing up. No one comes to do my dishes because I'm fully capable of doing so. And I don't need a meal brought to me because I'm not struggling with something that keeps me from cooking.
It was just an excuse to be lazy. I wanted to be lazy. I have to work and clean and pay bills and that stinks. I didn't want to have to do that. I wanted someone to see my temper tantrum and give me a lollipop to shut me up. But just like a child who is appeased to keep quiet that doesn't help anything now does it? That child begins to realize if I cry and scream they jump and do what I ask. I know some kids like that. I don't really like being around them, but can we blame the kids? Or the parents? Most spoiled kids are only that way because the parents aren't willing to see their child in pain, or they don't want to deal with the tantrums. I know, because I've given in plenty with Ethan when he would get on my nerves.
But God? He's not that kind of parent. He knows what good trials and pain does for us, and He doesn't have to wonder how we will turn out, He knows. God gave me good parents, and gave them the willpower to deal with my crap so that I wouldn't become a whiny, co-dependent mess. He wanted me to prosper. He wanted me to be brave, and strong, and courageous. And do you think all those things just come to you?? UH NO. You get that way by overcoming difficulties, facing adversity, struggling and enduring through pain.
Yeah. I'm a whiner. I squirm under pressure. I don't like it when something is placed in my life that needs work because I want to be lazy. And I'm sorry for that.
God knows my heart. He knows what it takes to keep me moving, and giving in to my tantrums is not it.
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