Getting into the spirit....

Well, tomorrow is Christmas Eve.  I'm pretty excited, cause my boy is getting a FABULOUS surprise!  But until then, we will all get together on Christmas Eve and party, then for dinner at my parents on Christmas Day.  Should be a good time, right?  I've been praying about this Christmas to be different than others because my family has been facing some hard truths lately, and I just would love it if everything could fix itself simply and everyone got along.  Too bad that's not how things go.

This year I'm frustrated with my family.  And I hope they don't hate me for saying it, but it's their fault  things have gotten this bad.  Without going into personal details, my family is in the midst of a stand-still.  There was a horrible situation, which never got resolved, and now has snowballed to affect anything and everything possible.  We don't talk about it anymore, because we've moved on.. supposedly.. and then there have been other events that have actually just added fuel to an already blazing fire.  So we are stuck with a burning family.  It's funny I use that analogy because we've suffered through more fire damage than I ever thought possible.  Our house burnt down when I was a kid, leaving us homeless and having to start from scratch.  Then our barn burnt down, which wasn't that horrifying since we hadn't had animals in it in years.. but still, it brought us bad memories.  Then last year my parents had a fire that destroyed the whole first floor.  They had to get it completely redone.  Fire has always given me an uneasy feeling in my stomach.  I'm afraid to leave my apartment sometimes.. fearing that maybe I left my straightening iron on.. or there might be some crazy event that causes another fire.  I've been very blessed lately, no tragedy has touched my life in a way that it has since the fire that took my home.  People have died, but they died of old age.  Things have broken, and relationships have ended, but I haven't really felt so scared of those things.

I just need to know why have things gotten so bad with my family?  Each year we grow farther and farther apart and sometimes I think they use this as an excuse to break away.  No it hasn't happened in a way that I don't see them, but its to the point where we have "special dinner's" so the right people don't end up seeing the wrong people.

It's not like when we were kids, were aren't made to get along, we are adults and can choose to not be somewhere if we don't want to.  We can choose to be angry at someone, and we can choose to hold on to grudges for so long just so we don't have to deal with them. 

I am so disappointed.  I wish things could start to show good change, you know? Like there's some hope.  What kills me is all this discontent towards each other is so hypocritical.  Almost like every other person has perfectly good reason to be angry and treat those they are upset with because they are justified.  No one is willing to give in.  Everyone's angry, and everyone's got their reasons.

I guess this means they will always be angry, huh?  I guess this will be how things start to spiral, until everyone decides there's no point in sticking together.. family is a dirty word to us. 

With all this doom and gloom, you'd think I'd have no Christmas Spirit! Well, to my surprise I can't help but feel joy this year.  I am so happy, sometimes I just start singing and dancing and I don't care who watches!  None of the family stuff gets to me like it used to.  It is frustrating, and I do have an opinion on it, but then when I really start thinking about it, I just know that all I have to do is love them.  And I do.  I love them ALL.  I couldn't imagine my life without any of them.. and that includes YOU (You know who YOU are)  And I just feel sad that they don't try forgiveness.  They are all so willing to hold on to their anger like it's a prized possession, and worth more than letting go. 

It took some time for me to let go.  I'm not saying I changed over night, it was a process, but I was willing to change!  Are they? I have no idea.  My hope is that they are getting as sick of the fighting as I am.  I know that just when things are about to get better they usually get worse.  Are we at that point? Can't we all just get along??

Who knows.  I do know, that all I want for Christmas is for peace and happiness for my family.  I want them to be happy.  I want them to let go of the past, and move into a better tomorrow.  I want them to feel what I feel, the love that is matchless.. and I want them to want change too.

I'll be praying for this for my family.  And I'll be praying with the hope and faith that God knows just what it's going to take to finally bring healing to a hurting family.  And finally douse the flames of the fire that has been burning through our family for too long.