Wavy lines of uniqueness..

Take a look at your fingertips.  See those sweet little lines? If you didn't already know those are your fingerprints.  If you ever get arrested those little lines are what the police need to keep track of you.  Why? Because you, my friend, have the only set of the lines on your hand.  That's right.  You have a very unique set of wavy lines that distinguish you from EVERY HUMAN BEING WHO HAS EVER LIVED AND WILL EVER LIVE.

WHOA.  Totally just blew your mind, didn't I?

Yep.  We are all that unique.  No one else has ever had (or will ever have) a set of fingerprints like yours.  You are unique from head to toe.  Cool, right?

So I was just realizing that this very fact also applies to our lives!  No two lives are alike.  Just like our fingerprints, we all have our own unique life.

No one thinks exactly like you.
No one lives your exact life.
No one has your exact personality, or your exact talents.
You are unique.
And the only model of you.

So don't you think that also means everyone learns differently?  Wouldn't that mean that we all need our very own lessons designed as uniquely as our fingerprints?

What has worked for you isn't necessarily going to work for me.  And vice, versa.  We are all in this life together, but together we experience things uniquely.

That still amazes me.  And what amazes me even more is that God is able to keep up.  I have learned over my walk with God the three most powerful explanations of His character. When looking up meanings this was the best explanation I've ever found.  It was written by Andrew S. Kulikovsky B.App.Sc.(Hons)

The term “omnipresence” is borrowed from Latin. It is a compound of omni, meaning “all,” and praesens, meaning “here.” Thus, God is always here, close to everything, next to everyone.1 This means that God is unlimited with respect to space. As Wayne Grudem puts it, “God does not have size or spatial dimensions and is present at every point of space with his whole being, yet God acts differently in different places."2 A. W. Tozer posits that fewer truths are so clearly taught in scripture.3  Indeed, the scriptures teach that even though the highest heavens cannot contain God (1 Kings 8:27), He is still nearby when we pray, unlike other Gods, which don’t even exist (Deuteronomy 4:7). Yet, God is not just nearby, He is in fact everywhere! He fills heaven and earth and no-one can hide from Him. There are no secret places where He is excluded (Jeremiah 23:23-24). The Psalmist summarises this truth beautifully:

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you

are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast (Psalm 139:7-10, NIV).

1 A. W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy (Carlisle: OM Publishing, 1987) 100.
2 W. A. Grudem, Systematic Theology (Grand Rapids, MIchigan: Zondervan, 1994) 173.
3 Tozer, 100.

Again, the term “omniscience” is borrowed from Latin. It is also a compound of omni, meaning “all,” and scienta, meaning “knowledge.” Grudem explains it in this way: “God fully knows himself and all things actual and possible in one simple and external act.”8 Or, as Tozer describes it, God knows “every possible item of knowledge concerning everything that exists or could have existed anywhere in the universe at any time in the past or that may exist in the centuries or ages yet unborn.”9  In other words, God is infinite in regard to knowledge. He knows Himself and all other things perfectly (Job 37:16), whether they be actual or merely possible, throughout all of time (Isaiah 46:10; 1 John 3:20b). He knows things immediately, simultaneously, exhaustively and truly.10 Since God knows all things perfectly, He knows nothing better than any other thing.11 Tozer adds that God knows instantly and effectively all matter and all matters, all mind and every mind, all spirit and all spirits, all being and every being, all creaturehood and all creatures, every plurality and all pluralities, all law and every law, all relations, all causes, all thoughts, all mysteries, all enigmas, all feeling, all desires, every unuttered secret, all thrones and dominions, all personalities, all things visible and invisible in heaven and in earth, motion, space, time, life, death, good, evil, heaven and hell.12 In addition, if God has perfect knowledge, He has no need to learn. Moreover, such perfect knowledge implies that God has never learned and, in fact, cannot learn.13 Thus, God does not need to reason toward His conclusions or ponder carefully over His answers.14 Indeed, Isaiah writes:

Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed him as his counselor? Whom did the LORD
consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding? (Isaiah 40:13-14, NIV)

Furthermore, the scriptures teach that God’s understanding is infinite (Psalm 147:5), and that all persons of the Trinity know each other perfectly (Matthew 11:27; 1 Corinthians 2:10-11). Nothing is hidden from God’s sight – everything is uncovered and laid bare before Him (Hebrews 4:13). The Lord watches all of Mankind and considers everything they do (Psalm 33:13-15). His eyes are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good (Proverbs 15:3). Each person’s attitudes, behaviour and choices are in full view of God (Proverbs 5:21). No thought, action, desire or motive can be hidden from Him – as the Psalmist explains:

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive
my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my
ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. (Psalm 139:1-4, NIV)

8 Grudem, 190.
9 Tozer, 77-78.
10 Thiessen, 81.
11 Tozer, 78.
12 Ibid.
13 Ibid. 76.
14 Grudem, 191.


As with the other omni terms, “omnipotence” is a Latin compound of omni, meaning “all,” and potens, meaning “power.” Grudem defines it in this way: “God’s omnipotence means that God is able to do all his holy will.”26  Omnipotence implies the possession of all power, and unlimited power. An omniscient God can do anything He pleases (Job 42:2) and is never exhausted. His power is unlimited in regard to both its extent and its magnitude. What is impossible for man is possible for God (Matthew 19:26). Nothing is too hard for Him (Jeremiah 32:17). Furthermore, anything can be done as easily as anything else, and all acts are done effortlessly.27  Note also that the possession of omnipotence does not demand its exercise: “God can do what he wills to do, but he does not necessarily will to do anything.” In other words, God has power over His power.28

24 Ibid. 362.

25 B. Leftow, “Time, Actuality and Omniscience” Religious Studies 26 (1990) 310.

26 Grudem, 216.

27 Tozer, 92.

28 Thiessen, 82.

(To read the full article refer here...www.kulikovskyonline.net/hermeneutics/omni.pdf)

Not a bad way to think about it.. am I right?? Honestly, the more I look at things the more I realize the only leading that's up to me is to lead people to Jesus.  What do I mean by that?  Well what I mean is that something that has convicted me and I've needed to work on in my life isn't necessarily going to be something you struggle with.  I should never tell someone what to take out of their life, rather I should lead them to a God who knows a person wholly and thoroughly and uniquely enough to know just what that person would need to grow a closer relationship with HIM, not me.  I am not the destination.  Just as John the Baptist said..

"30 He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.31 “He has come from above and is greater than anyone else. We are of the earth, and we speak of earthly things, but he has come from heaven and is greater than anyone else." John 3:30-31

Of course John was talking about Jesus.  And what I take from that scripture and this lesson is that I should never underestimate God, and I should never assume I know what someone else needs in their life.

The only exception is when a person has the gift of prophecy and God tells them to speak it to someone, but in the long run that's still God speaking.  And shouldn't be used lightly.

There's a big world out there full of people who think they know what's best for you.  And truthfully, "plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success." (Psalm 15:22).. but you have to always check in with the Shepherd.. don't rely solely on the sheep for advice.

Don't feed the monster!

I was just thinking about people over the years that have given in to the things that have pulled them away from God, and you know what? I can see why it happened.  Instead of surrendering to Christ and His teachings they gave in the monster.

Am I being harsh?  I don't think so.  I watched so many people crumble under the pressure of walking with Christ on their own, having no friends to carry them through and truly needing to rely on their own responsibility to build a relationship with Christ seemed to much for them.  It was easier to just do the things they were used to doing.  Not all bad things. And these people weren't terrible people.  They just had things in their life they were unwilling to admit needed to change.  And because of that the "monster" got bigger.  This monster put a wedge between them and God, and before they knew what was happening the monster was all they could see, so they accepted him as reality.

I've watched this happen to many friends, I've even had it happen to me.  But guess what?  That monster can be beaten!

When I started to want the easier things back it was usually because God was asking for more of me, and that wasn't an easy thing to do because that meant letting things go that I was so used to.  Things that even hurt me, but I just was so afraid to live without.  Example? Bread.  Yeah.  I can't have gluten because I have a less than pleasant reaction to it, and recently I've discovered I have to add dairy to that list.  Yeah, that means no pizza. Or pasta, or lasagna, or ravioli's... at least in the traditional sense.  I don't care what anyone says, it doesn't taste the same.  I use this example because it's probably the one thing that God has used to truly get my attention on how I usually eat my feelings.  When I'm feeling frustrated or angry or sad or whatever emotion I don't want to deal with I get this strong desire to eat a giant pizza, or lasagna, or bowl of pasta.. oh how those Olive Garden commercials hurt!  It's not really that great of food, but just seeing those ravioli's dripping with cheese stirs something in me.  And you know what I realized?  I feel like I can't be happy if I can't eat those things.  I really think that eating those things are what will make me happy!

That, to me, sounds like the thoughts of an addict.  But my desire for pasta became a problem a few years ago.  I started getting crazy reactions for what seemed like no reason.  I had rashes and cystic acne, God was it so embarrassing!  I started losing hair, and gaining weight like crazy.  My body felt like it was spinning out of control.  I always felt like I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown, and felt so mentally unstable that I could barely think. There were worse things, but I really don't want to go into detail.  The gyst? Lots of stuff was wrecking me on the inside and showing on the outside.  I went to the doctor because I started feeling like bugs were under my skin.  I thought I was going crazy, and I talked with her about all of my symptoms and the idea of maybe me having an intolerance to food was brought up.  So I began my journey of cutting the bread out of my diet.  Along with this God also gave me a great scripture to remind me He was on my side.. just wait.. I found it kind of ironic.

It was this: "I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever; and this bread, which I will offer so the world may live, is my flesh.” John 6:51NLT

Little weird, eating Jesus' flesh.. am I right?  Was Jesus asking me to be a zombie??? Gross! But no, that's not it at all.  Instead He was trying to teach me something.  And I was reading a commentary and they really captured exactly what I haven't been able to put to words of my experience this past year...
It's a commentary on the scripture Deuteronomy 8:3.. a scripture Jesus later quotes in Matthew and Luke.. a scripture stating that "man does not live on bread alone."  At first I thought God was making fun of me, but after reading that commentary I finally get it...

Keil and Delitzsch Biblical Commentary on the Old Testament
The humiliation in the desert consisted not merely in the fact that God let the people hunger, i.e., be in want of bread and their ordinary food, but also in the fact that He fed them with manna, which was unknown to them and their fathers (cf. Exodus 16:16.). Feeding with manna is called a humiliation, inasmuch as God intended to show to the people through this food, which had previously been altogether unknown to them, that man does not live by bread alone, that the power to sustain life does not rest upon bread only (Isaiah 38:16; Genesis 27:40), or belong simply to it, but to all that goeth forth out of the mouth of Jehovah. That which "proceedeth out of the mouth of Jehovah" is not the word of the law, as the Rabbins suppose, but, as the word כּל (all, every) shows, "the word" generally, the revealed will of God to preserve the life of man in whatever way (Schultz): hence all means designed and appointed by the Lord for the sustenance of life. In this sense Christ quotes these words in reply to the tempter (Matthew 4:4), not to say to him, The Messiah lives not by (material) bread only, but by the fulfilment of the will of God (Usteri, Ullmann), or by trusting in the sustaining word of God (Olshausen); but that He left it to God to care for the sustenance of His life, as God could sustain His life in extraordinary ways, even without the common supplies of food, by the power of His almighty word and will. (Courtesy of Bible Suite @ www.bible.cc)

What I've taken from this is that God has been trying to get me to stop feeding myself the things that literally made me sick both physically and mentally, but also spiritually.  That side of me was a growing monster and it was trying it's hardest to get in between me and God.  It wasn't easy to recognize it because I didn't want to admit the thing to take out of my life was something that I used to help cope with emotions.  Am I upset? That's ok, I should eat some cookies.  Am I frustrated? Have a bowl of spaghetti, then wash it down with some delicious chocolate milk...

All the while that monster was gnawing my life away.

When I finally surrendered to Christ and gave up gluten I was back to myself within a week.  It's been almost a year and I've dropped 30 lbs.  My hair is growing like crazy again, my cystic acne is healing, I don't feel like I have bugs under my skin anymore, and I feel freer than ever.

Sure it still stinks that I can't eat those things, and there are days when I miss it so much that I have a hard time remembering why I gave it up... but now I'm going to remember.  Man does not live by bread alone, but on every word that comes from the Lord.

And I'd like to think God had an alterior motive for saying that, because Jesus, Himself, is the word of the Lord made flesh (John 1:14).. maybe God was trying to say He wants me to devour the Word?  Maybe that's what Jesus meant by saying I must eat His flesh?  Maybe the Word, made flesh, wanted me to live by what He said.  Maybe He was saying that He sustains me, not bread. Maybe?

Maybe.

But one thing remains.  Those that choose to feed the monsters in their life are also making the choice to put distance between themselves and God.  And I find it funny that those same people still ask why they can't feel God anymore?  Maybe it's because instead of starving the very thing that separates you you're choosing to feed it, and now its so big it's all you can see?  Maybe?

Maybe.

Two faced

I can't even believe the things that have been going through my mind these last few months.

To say I'm overwhelmed would be putting it lightly.

I found myself up thinking about all the things that have had an impact on me.  And I came to this conclusion: I am two-faced.

I have two sides to me.  On one side there's the part I was born into.  I was born into a certain family with certain family things.  Everyone has this side.  Everyone has a mother and a father.  Unless you were completely created out of thin air, you have a mother and a father.  Not my point, but just saying.  Anyway.  That side of me was content.  I didn't know any better than what I had in front of me.  I had the normal things any normal girl would have.  I lived an average life.

But slowly I started figuring out that life was much deeper than I thought, and that has messed me up.

That's when my other side started showing up.  A side that couldn't help but wonder, where did all this come from?  Why do trees grow?  Why are there clouds?  The why's were so strong, and I decided to go after answers.

Years and years of digging, and I'm still not done.  All I'm sure of now is that I am at war with myself.  I feel those two sides colliding and fighting each other all the time.  The side that wants to just be.  Do what I want and go where I want with no consequences.  I tell myself I am an adult.  Why worry?  But that pesky other side is there with reasons.  I feel a desire to be good and moral.  I want to have integrity and be trustworthy.  There's this whole side of me that wants to break away from that other side because it brings me back to a place that made me miserable.

So I fight.  Inside of me is a warzone.  And I've had many casualties in the form of scars on my heart and mind.  I've pushed away friends and family because of this.  Sometimes I think I'm crazy, but then I see others who deal with the same thing and wonder... if I'm not the only one why does no one talk about it?

It seems to me that if there is a metaphorical two lives inside of me, well I'm gonna have to feed one and not the other because I can't live with them both.  But that has obvious consequences that scare me.

If I feed the old me then I'm at risk of going back to my misery.  I was not happy as that girl.  She was lonely, sad, and depressed.  She felt empty all the time, and couldn't help herself.
But the old me is my only connection to those I know I will lose if I choose to leave her behind.  Knowing I will lose them is too horrible to completely let her go.

If I feed the new me I will grow stronger and wiser.  I know I will be happier, and I always feel loved, strengthened and cared for.  I know I am not alone, and I haven't felt that depression come back.
But the new me is separated from those that have not followed me to this new life.  They do not know this new me, and have shown no interest in getting to know her beyond supporting my choice to change.


Living with two faces is going to rip me in half, unless I choose.  It's a constant battle.  Every day.  Some days are harder than others, but my hope is that eventually it will get easier.  Until then there's going to be a girl who is in the battle of a lifetime.  I know which side of me should win, but that doesn't make it any easier.

 

The Ugly Truth

I went into this day thinking positively, after all, it is Easter.

I was going to church in my new pretty dress, then I was going to go have dinner with my family.

The day was going to be filled with good things.

It was filled with good things, but good things are not always fun.

Church was good, I loved the message.  I left ready to go have dinner with my family.  As I drove to my parents house I had the s.. l..o..w..e..s..t car in front of me.  I got to my parents and found no one was really there, except family that I don't really talk to.  I sat in my car and called my sisters to see where they were, silently praying someone would pick up and save me.

No one did.

I felt silence from all around me.  Almost like I had eyes from heaven waiting to see what I would do with this situation.  But like a creature of habit I did what felt comfortable, I stayed in my bubble.  I went inside, but did not speak to anyone.  Not because of bad feelings, I just didn't feel comfortable.

One of my sisters eventually came and sat with me.  We chatted a bit, then the family members I didn't feel comfortable with had to leave.

It's a custom in our family to say our goodbyes.  My issue with being uncomfortable wasn't going to make a great case to my parents, but then the situation became awkward, and by the time it was over all that was left behind was tension, anger, and hurt feelings.

I'd like to say I did the Christian thing, but unfortunately I did not.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear when things that test my obedience to God's word arise.  I would like to be "Neutral" and be exempt from ever having to deal with the hairy stuff.

As the events of earlier today unfolded I almost felt like I was not really there, I was watching it from somewhere else.  I watched myself sit there and not react in the appropriate way.  I knew it was not nice, and yet I didn't change my actions.

Here I now sit asking myself; Why?  What really happened today? It's a bit of a blur now, and I almost have no idea what happened.  But it begs the question, am I really sure God would be okay with my choice of action?  After all, I know they know I'm a Christian, and I know that's the first thing people usually say when I screw up... Aren't you a Christian?  Almost like I'm some perfect robot who doesn't make mistakes.

The Ugly Truth?  I'm not perfect.  I screw up... STILL. All the time.  I say the wrong thing, and do the wrong thing, and struggle with who I am constantly.

It's a lot of pressure.  Doing the right thing.  And it's not easy.  It takes courage to step out of your comfort zone and do that thing that makes you uncomfortable.

I guess that would make me a coward.

I do feel like one right now.  What was it Paul says? ...


"For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate." 
Romans 7:15 NASB


I just don't get it.  Why is it so hard to learn what's right to do, and then PRACTICE IT?

Reality?  Practicing what you preach is not easy.  It means swallowing your pride, humbling yourself, and to be willing to "turn the other cheek" when what you really want to do when someone hurts you is to hurt them back.

I saw two things when I was processing the troubles from earlier today.

1.. was that I carry baggage that keeps my hands busy when it comes to this particular situation and all the people involved.  The baggage is full of heavy thoughts of previous hurts from the past that magically appear every time I'm around them.  If you look in the bags all you're gonna see is years gone by, and words exchanged that have lingered and poisoned my heart in such a way that it effects the relationships.
How do you put that stuff down?  When it's been YEARS?  I guess logically, God wants me to give those bags to Him.  But that would mean I'd have nothing holding me back, and I'd have to change... whoa.. that's not an easy thought...

And that brings me to 2.. God is way beyond imaginable with His mercy, grace, love, compassion and all the good things He is and does.
I only have to deal with the surrounding relationships in my life, but God? He is connected to EVERYONE... AT ALL TIMES... IN ALL WAYS.
He knows the intricate and intimate details of everyone's heart and mind, He knows our motives, He knows our pasts.. He knows we are a broken people.. and yet He never tires of us.  He's always there with His mercy as soon as we need it.. always there to forgive as soon as we ask.. always there to comfort us when we needed comforting.. and not only is He there, but He knows exactly how to deliver each one of those things, individually, according to the need of every heart and mind, in a way that is good for our lives.

I have a long way to go in my journey to become more like Jesus.  I can't even keep my own personal life straight.  I'm constantly having to correct myself, and work on my behavior. Am I always going to make such dumb mistakes??

I wish I did the right thing today.  Now the day is over, and I'll have to go to bed knowing my mistake and the hurt it caused.

I did ask forgiveness.  And God reminds me that although I felt His conviction on my heart, I should not condemn myself.  No, conviction is to make me aware of what I've done wrong.  But I'm not condemned.  And that was why Jesus died on the cross so long ago. He died to "take away the sins of the world".  I just have to admit my crime, yet He's already paid the price.

Amazing, right?  Yeah.  I almost feel like I should suffer, but Jesus already did the suffering... crazy.. it almost doesn't seem right.  Shouldn't I suffer for my sins?  Shouldn't I pay?

It seems planned that this would fall on this day.

The Truth is not always pretty.  I felt pretty ugly as the truth of where my heart really is was revealed.

I'm still a work in progress.  The story of my life.  I'm not perfect.  I'm still going to mess up,

BUT....

"For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning" Psalm 30:5 ESV

Just like Jesus rose from the grave, I too must rise and carry on.  I'm willing to bet I'm headed into some stormy seas with the events of this day... but I do recall a story of Jesus calming a sea or two.. maybe I don't have to go into it alone... ;)

New shoe pains effect my heart...

Today has been an interesting day.  Ever have one of those moments in life when you realize you are changing? I have those a lot lately.  And I've been quite transparent about it.  On purpose.  I want people to see my changes because I know God is using me as an example.. to show that life is a constant classroom.  

We never stop learning.

And Me? I'm glad.  I get to learn about lots of subjects, including myself. And boy, I've been a subject to be reckoned with lately.  In fact, I barely recognize my reflection anymore.  To say "I'm not who I was" (right, Brandon? ;) would be an understatement. I'm definitely not.
But on to my newest endeavor...

So, guess who bought new shoes? This girl! They're for work.  I am an aide, and I'm on my feet all day.  I used to have a brand called "Dansko" shoes.  Those are the best shoes I've ever owned.  After a day of work I could say honestly I didn't have any back pain at all.  Which was awesome. The shoes were actually given to me by a co-worker who didn't wear them anymore.  At first I didn't wear them because I was skeptical.. they were easy enough to put on, but I wasn't really sure I'd ever wear them.  So I kept them, but left them with the rest of the cast away shoes that I didn't wear.
Eventually I decided I should give them a try, and I don't exactly remember that day, but I know that I never wore anything else after that to work.  It was my only choice.  Funny isn't it?  I had an attitude of skepticism, and I had no other reason for it except I was too proud.  Those shoes belonged to somebody else, who gave them away like I was a "charity case".  How could I wear shoes that had already been worn?? That's embarrassing! But the difference I felt wearing those shoes was undeniable.  I was able to make it through the day without feeling back or leg pain.  Seriously, it was awesome. 
I've mentioned it before, I have this issue with my ankles.. they're weak, it causes flat feet and pain in my knees, hips and lower back.  When I wore my sneakers throughout the day to work I dealt with the pain.  I didn't really see how I could do anything about it anyway.  I could buy shoe inserts, but that cost money that I didn't have, so I knew since I could live without it, I'd find a way to survive.  But when I started wearing those Danskos everything changed.  Not a ton at first, but I noticed something after a while that I didn't really notice until I realized the lack of it.. what am I talking about? Pain.  I had gone through weeks of wearing those shoes and I wasn't suffering from the pain I had gotten used to. It was AMAZING. No, wait... it was AWESOME!  I couldn't believe the difference!  So I stuck with them.  For years those shoes were the only thing I could ever wear without having any pain.  It was only in the winter when I would not wear them, and only when the snow was horrible.. that's when I'd wear my snow-boots, but any other day you'd find me wearing my trusty Danskos.
It was a few months back that I noticed the tear in the top of the shoe.. boy was I bummed out!  I had no idea how much it would cost to get a new pair.. but I didn't want to! I wanted to keep these!! So, in my desperation I came up with a solution.. I'd use duct tape to fix them.  Yes, I'm serious! Here's proof...

Yep.  That was my first official fix to my problem.  Lovely, aren't they?  ;)

But another problem began to surface, and not go away... the tape was only temporary.  The fix worked fine for a little while, but soon the tape started to peel and roll.. plus, I had spray-painted the bottoms black to fix  the nasty-ness that they were looking like.  It seemed like a good idea at the time. I was making them my own, and people loved them!  Then when they were in need of fixing I decided I was going to take my creativity to another level.. this would be a monthly change.  Every month I would change the duct tape.. yeah.. duct tape is that awesome, they have so many different options!! Wanna see some??

Christmas and Halloween were pretty interesting... and boy did my patients get a kick out of my awesome idea!
Now come on, admit it, it's awesome.




So I made lemonade from lemons... so to speak... and it was fun!  Every month since August of 2012 I'd change the tape.  That's six months of changes.  And I made those shoes last!  Then in January of this year I noticed something else.. the bottom of the soles were being worn out on the edges in a bad way.. that's not all I noticed.. my pain was returning.  And I was getting tired of keeping up with appearances.  Changing them every month took time and effort, and as fun as it was I was finding that the desire to change them was not really there anymore.  All I wanted was to be able to get through the day without pain, the design part was an added bonus, but it was proving to be more of a hassle.  So I had to stop wearing them.Yep, it was a sad day.  I went back to wearing sneakers, and feeling that awful pain in my feet, knees, hips and lower back. UGH.
It's always a bad experience when you finally find something that makes life better and then have to go back to the way it was simply because it didn't work out.

But wait.. that's not really true is it?  This isn't even the end of the story.  Actually, a couple weeks ago I was thinking about how much I missed my shoes.  I looked at the soles of my sneakers and saw how worn they had become.. they were old, and not made to be worn like that.  They were actually running shoes (never used them that way) and they were nearing their end.

"God, I need new shoes."  I remember thinking.  I missed my old shoes so much, I missed not having back pain, or any other pain. I went to work like normal last week.  And as I walked into the building I was scheduled for I noticed there was a woman selling nursing clothing in the Physical Therapy room.. I wondered... would she have shoes?  I stopped in really quickly and my heart nearly stopped, she had the shoes I so desperately needed!  The stars had aligned in a way that I was in a position financially that I could buy my very own pair!  I was more than excited, as you can imagine, because these would be mine.  I would put on all the miles they were about to receive.. they would mold to only my foot.. I wouldn't have to worry about anyone else's footprint to change.. I was going to make my own. It felt so good to finally get those shoes on my feet! As soon as I bought them (on my break) I took off my sneakers and put them on!
And I lived happily ever after, right? Hmmm.. not so quick.  I actually found myself in a strange predicament, and with a brand new lesson to apply to my life.  Crazy, right? How can I possibly find a lesson from shoes?

You'd be surprised what I learn my lessons from ;) I take my lessons from anywhere God sends them from.  This particular lesson came in the form of new shoes.

As each day wore on I noticed a side effect of new shoes that I didn't really think I'd have to deal with, or maybe I took for granted... they needed to be worn in.  The very fact that I'd need to mold these shoes myself was providing me with a new kind of pain; I had to wear them in.  They had never been worn before, so the leather was new and not stretched, and neither had the instep been worn in.  Just yesterday as I was looking at my bare feet I noticed they were red and sore.  The soles of my feet screamed at me, and the sides of my feet pounded.  All signs that I had to work to get these shoes to the place that I needed them to be.  I have to be strong though.  Because guess what else I took note of?  I have no lower back pain or knee pain or ankle pain at the end of the day.  Sure, my feet hurt, but I know what's awaiting me if I'm just patient!

Oh, these shoes of mine.  It's funny how my throbbing feet make me think of Jesus, and how this shoe issue is eerily similar to a spiritual issue I'm working through.  How's that? Well, I can only really explain using a picture God brings back to my mind.

When I was younger my parents would take us up to my Aunt and Uncle's horse farm in Vermont.  I can remember one specific drive so clearly.. I even have proof of the drive because that was the first memory I have of journaling.  It's a comforting memory.  I sat back and watched the scenery change from rural to city to mountains.. everything whirring by, so I just watched the skyline.  One thing that stands out, the reason for the picture, is that I never drove to Vermont, I always relied on my parents because I was too young to drive.  I sat in the back and watched the scenery, I had no real responsibilities other than to be quiet and not argue with my sisters on the 3 hour drive up there.  I'm sure at the time that was fine by me, but now I look back and don't want that anymore for myself.  I don't want to sit back and watch the scenery whir by, I want  to know what happens in the front seat.  I want to see the streets being taken, and the routes we follow.  I want to know the names of the towns we pass through, and I want to see what's coming as we drive along.

That's what I think of when I think of those new shoes of mine.  My opportunity to be in the front seat.  I'm getting the chance to see just why those shoes became so comfortable, I get to see what it takes, and I'm the one doing what it takes.

The reason it effects my heart is because I find myself in a new place, I want to serve more.  I want to do the work, I don't want it done for me, and that's a new spiritual maturity.  Sure I've seen the need for it in my life, this isn't news to me.. but I can honestly say this is a turning point.
I've spent years being trapped between two people.. the person I used to be and the person I'm becoming.  Some days I find myself, metaphorically speaking, "stuck in the middle" and watch as the two fight the war that's been raging inside of me for a long time.  On one side I see the innocent young girl who holds her Father's hand as she begins her journey through the mess of her life... on the other side I see a warrior, a battle-worn woman who is willing to fight her hardest to keep going up the mountain she's decided to climb.  That girl in the middle will sit and watch the other two (metaphorically) and wonder just what it is that warrior uses to keep going. And long for the days when it was simpler, when she was the little girl and all her Father asked of her was to trust Him.  Trusting Him meant to walk with Him, and those walks were filled with His love, His daily reminders of His desires for her, and His comforting hand as she started to believe the things He spoke into her life.
The warrior knows that she's not there anymore.  Life has become a battlefield.  She has many war wounds, and feels the pain of the battles.  Battles she has won.

It's a strange place I'm in lately.  I spend more time in my thoughts than ever.  I've seen so much, yet I almost think this is only the tip of the iceberg.

I'll live to fight another day, God willing, and as long as I'm breathing I'll have to battle.  Giving in is easy, just like deciding to just wear my old shoes would be easier.. those are already worn in after all.. but I can't help feeling like wearing in those shoes is a triumph.  It'll be a landmark, and I'll be able to look at them with a heart of encouragement knowing I powered through.

One can only think that their Father in heaven is behind all this, after all, He did say "All things work together for the good of those who love God and are the called according to His purpose"  AND "For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans not to harm you.  Plans for good, to give you a hope and a future."
The bible is His book of promises.  Words written to mankind to prove His love for them.  And I can't question the methods He chooses for me.  I choose to accept whatever lessons He gives, in whatever form it comes, because
                  I never want to stop learning.

No more Misses nice girl!

Ok, I need to breathe.  I'm a little perturbed  and I'm looking to vent.  But I have an issue.  I have a habit of critiquing other's writing because I want to see what I'm adding to in the world of blogs.  And I just recently read one that has rubbed me the wrong way.

In the blog the girl blasted guys for not going out and finding the one.  And she definitely had some great points, but my problem?  She misses the real point.  And I actually think this is more for her own personal feelings.  Why do I think this? Well, because I spent years devoting my life to dating God, and in the process of dating God I experienced that we don't search for the one God has for us. No.  We search for Christ.  And in the process of searching for Christ we discover our fullness in Him, and realize our need for God alone.   I've spent YEARS learning to unlearn the thing that has been pushed into boys and girls minds.. we all need to find someone to settle down with and marry.  Yeah. Great.  That's awesome and stuff, but how about the fact that there's 7 BILLION people on the this planet. Imagine all the single people of the world deciding to just spend time on seeking the "one".  My thought is when we take our eyes off of God and start searching for that "special someone" that's when we get into trouble.   Jesus will be the only "One" that will satisfy you.  That leaves a lot of unsatisfied people out there if they're only seeking a mate.   If God means for you to get married, then let Him tell you.  And in God's timing it will work out.  But don't force something that needs to simmer.  God's timing is never off.  If there's a season of singleness in our lives its there for a reason.  I don't know about this girl, but I have no desire to date a guy who's working to finding that certain someone.  Sound crazy? Let me explain....

Men need guidance. Their heart needs to be right with God, so they need to seek God.  No woman should claim to know what is going on inside the heart or mind of a man, no matter the circumstance.  Playing video games does not make him lazy, it's the unseen things that GOD sees that make a person lazy.  Motivations, desires', passion, a purpose.. these are things that can only be found when seeking God.  And it is an intimate relationship issue between God and men.  She speaks as though she understands more than God about situations.  Last person that had to learn a lesson from that was Job, and look what happened to the friends that thought they knew more about the situation than Job.. God, Himself, let them know it's not their business to be spouting off about another's life.  In the end Job's patience was what God saw.

And what about those Men seeking after women?  The best place to find her is with God.

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to SEEK Him first to find her."-Maya Angelou 

In the blog she also uses chapter 24 of Genesis for her scripture base, and forgets a key factor... finding a wife for Isaac wasn't about finding a wife for Isaac only.  It was about keeping a covenant God made with Abraham, and guess what? Isaac didn't go seek her out, the servant did, because his father wanted to find him a wife.  Abraham even specifically told the servant not to let Isaac go with him.. so Isaac had no control over the choice of his wife.  It was completely God.  Isaac didn't pick her, God did.  Isaac didn't go after her, God brought her to him.  This really is an amazing story of faith.  Isaac's wife wasn't just some girl picked out of a crowd, God planned this even before the events took place.  God's plans are much greater than we can imagine, so assuming that a guy isn't chasing after you means he's lazy isn't really a great way to think.  And saying that men only find a woman when they chase after them is a stretch.  That gives no room for the Holy Spirit!  Jesus points out many times to the pharisees that it's not works that get you anywhere, it's faith. Sure, faith without works is dead, but you have to have faith first!  Obedience before understanding!  God wants us focused on HIM!  And as He draws us to Him, HE will bring the one who He has called into our lives!  We have to trust this.  If not, then we are not relying on God, we are relying on our own blind desires.

And hey, if I'm wrong, then she has every right to call me on it.

Join my blog and give me your thoughts!!

Too many cooks, not enough servers...

I've worked as a nurse's aide for a company called Beacon Hospice going on 8 years now.  For almost a year before that I worked in a nursing home.

I found myself thinking back over the years of my experience with working in several different places.  I've been in many nursing facilities.. some have been good, some have been bad, and some have been horrible.  The one thing that is consistent with all of them is the need for unity and respect for each position.  From the nursing staff to the cleaning staff.. the kitchen staff and administration.. each part has a vital role that if it were to have a malfunction would affect every other department.

Just as an example I can tell you that the laundry staff doesn't seem like it's very important when you first think of it, or maybe the cleaning staff.. at first thought you think they really weren't that important.  But then I think of the times when I've gone to get clean linens to change a patient's bed, or towels to use to help clean them up.. those laundry staff just got a lot more important.  I've had times like that happen.. there were no clean linens or towels.  Or worse.. no wash clothes! Man oh man, when that happens things get a lot more complicated.  Or how about when the floor has been the recipient of a nasty spill.. Or the toilet gets clogged.. or even yet, needs cleaning.. things get dusty, and if they aren't taken care of it causes breathing difficulties for patients with weak lunges, asthma, and allergies.  So imagine there was no one to take care of that! Yikes!

As an aide my duty is to assist the nurse and doctor in the medical care of each patient assigned to me.  I work under the nurse, taking care of the physical needs of the patient, according to their own personal plan of care.   I don't take care of medications, and I don't treat wounds, but I do help with daily needs the patient cannot perform on their own.  What has become more than obvious to me is that if one part of the team is not functioning then my job has suffered.  Looking for a clean wash clothe and not finding one when my patient needs to wash up is frustrating.  I need the laundry staff to do their job, because without them I can't do my job.  A clean environment also helps me do my job, it keeps bacteria and germs away so patients aren't unnecessarily sick.

Most of the job's importance are more obvious than others.  The kitchen staff makes sure the patients are fed, and the administration takes care of all the paperwork.  But everything serves a purpose, and everything is just as important.

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to take someone aside to tell them just how important their job is, so that I can do my job.  Some people don't know.  Some don't care.  But that doesn't change the fact that they matter.

That being said I wonder, why do some facilities have some of the problems they do?  My thought?  Someone doesn't understand the importance of their role, or that it needs to be their main focus.  What do I mean?  Well, imagine me going into the office and trying to take care of the paperwork.  That's not my job, and if I'm not doing my job, then who is?  I know my role.  I know the importance of sticking to my role.  If I want another role than I need to leave the currant one.  But there are those who don't think like that.  There are those who would rather criticize others on their faults then work on their own.

That's where the expression "Too many cooks" comes in.  The saying goes "too many cooks spoil the pot" because there is such a thing as too many people doing what can be done with only one.  It's sad really.  It's already my duty to do my best, but when someone in another department takes it upon themself to tell me how to do my job it seems a bit unbelievable.  That hasn't happened to me yet, but I've seen it happen to others.  In many of the facilities I go to.  I watch as the departments interact, gossip about each other, criticize each other, and generally cause dissension from within.  And what does that accomplish?  It causes indifference.  It causes a stressful work atmosphere, and does not promote teamwork.

I'm mainly writing about my own work environment because that is where my experience is, but this can be applied anywhere really.  From restaurants, to grocery stores, to clothing stores. Everyone can benefit from this basic knowledge.  And that is to do the job you are hired for to the best of your ability.  Every part matters, even the guy who mops matters.  And we should all treat each other in different positions with respect too.  I guess I'm tired of watching as things that could be prevented with this simple principle happen.

So easily fixable, yet people can't seem to help themselves.  I had a third grade teacher who used to say something that drove me crazy, but now it seems the most fitting.. MYOB.  Mind Your Own Business.  We all should absolutely take that to heart, because if we aren't minding our business, than who will?