Today has been an interesting day. Ever have one of those moments in life when you realize you are changing? I have those a lot lately. And I've been quite transparent about it. On purpose. I want people to see my changes because I know God is using me as an example.. to show that life is a constant classroom.
We never stop learning.
But on to my newest endeavor...
So, guess who bought new shoes? This girl! They're for work. I am an aide, and I'm on my feet all day. I used to have a brand called "Dansko" shoes. Those are the best shoes I've ever owned. After a day of work I could say honestly I didn't have any back pain at all. Which was awesome. The shoes were actually given to me by a co-worker who didn't wear them anymore. At first I didn't wear them because I was skeptical.. they were easy enough to put on, but I wasn't really sure I'd ever wear them. So I kept them, but left them with the rest of the cast away shoes that I didn't wear.
Eventually I decided I should give them a try, and I don't exactly remember that day, but I know that I never wore anything else after that to work. It was my only choice. Funny isn't it? I had an attitude of skepticism, and I had no other reason for it except I was too proud. Those shoes belonged to somebody else, who gave them away like I was a "charity case". How could I wear shoes that had already been worn?? That's embarrassing! But the difference I felt wearing those shoes was undeniable. I was able to make it through the day without feeling back or leg pain. Seriously, it was awesome.
I've mentioned it before, I have this issue with my ankles.. they're weak, it causes flat feet and pain in my knees, hips and lower back. When I wore my sneakers throughout the day to work I dealt with the pain. I didn't really see how I could do anything about it anyway. I could buy shoe inserts, but that cost money that I didn't have, so I knew since I could live without it, I'd find a way to survive. But when I started wearing those Danskos everything changed. Not a ton at first, but I noticed something after a while that I didn't really notice until I realized the lack of it.. what am I talking about? Pain. I had gone through weeks of wearing those shoes and I wasn't suffering from the pain I had gotten used to. It was AMAZING. No, wait... it was AWESOME! I couldn't believe the difference! So I stuck with them. For years those shoes were the only thing I could ever wear without having any pain. It was only in the winter when I would not wear them, and only when the snow was horrible.. that's when I'd wear my snow-boots, but any other day you'd find me wearing my trusty Danskos.
It was a few months back that I noticed the tear in the top of the shoe.. boy was I bummed out! I had no idea how much it would cost to get a new pair.. but I didn't want to! I wanted to keep these!! So, in my desperation I came up with a solution.. I'd use duct tape to fix them. Yes, I'm serious! Here's proof...
Yep. That was my first official fix to my problem. Lovely, aren't they? ;)
But another problem began to surface, and not go away... the tape was only temporary. The fix worked fine for a little while, but soon the tape started to peel and roll.. plus, I had spray-painted the bottoms black to fix the nasty-ness that they were looking like. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I was making them my own, and people loved them! Then when they were in need of fixing I decided I was going to take my creativity to another level.. this would be a monthly change. Every month I would change the duct tape.. yeah.. duct tape is that awesome, they have so many different options!! Wanna see some??
Christmas and Halloween were pretty interesting... and boy did my patients get a kick out of my awesome idea!Now come on, admit it, it's awesome.
So I made lemonade from lemons... so to speak... and it was fun! Every month since August of 2012 I'd change the tape. That's six months of changes. And I made those shoes last! Then in January of this year I noticed something else.. the bottom of the soles were being worn out on the edges in a bad way.. that's not all I noticed.. my pain was returning. And I was getting tired of keeping up with appearances. Changing them every month took time and effort, and as fun as it was I was finding that the desire to change them was not really there anymore. All I wanted was to be able to get through the day without pain, the design part was an added bonus, but it was proving to be more of a hassle. So I had to stop wearing them.Yep, it was a sad day. I went back to wearing sneakers, and feeling that awful pain in my feet, knees, hips and lower back. UGH.
It's always a bad experience when you finally find something that makes life better and then have to go back to the way it was simply because it didn't work out.
But wait.. that's not really true is it? This isn't even the end of the story. Actually, a couple weeks ago I was thinking about how much I missed my shoes. I looked at the soles of my sneakers and saw how worn they had become.. they were old, and not made to be worn like that. They were actually running shoes (never used them that way) and they were nearing their end.
"God, I need new shoes." I remember thinking. I missed my old shoes so much, I missed not having back pain, or any other pain. I went to work like normal last week. And as I walked into the building I was scheduled for I noticed there was a woman selling nursing clothing in the Physical Therapy room.. I wondered... would she have shoes? I stopped in really quickly and my heart nearly stopped, she had the shoes I so desperately needed! The stars had aligned in a way that I was in a position financially that I could buy my very own pair! I was more than excited, as you can imagine, because these would be mine. I would put on all the miles they were about to receive.. they would mold to only my foot.. I wouldn't have to worry about anyone else's footprint to change.. I was going to make my own. It felt so good to finally get those shoes on my feet! As soon as I bought them (on my break) I took off my sneakers and put them on!
And I lived happily ever after, right? Hmmm.. not so quick. I actually found myself in a strange predicament, and with a brand new lesson to apply to my life. Crazy, right? How can I possibly find a lesson from shoes?
You'd be surprised what I learn my lessons from ;) I take my lessons from anywhere God sends them from. This particular lesson came in the form of new shoes.
As each day wore on I noticed a side effect of new shoes that I didn't really think I'd have to deal with, or maybe I took for granted... they needed to be worn in. The very fact that I'd need to mold these shoes myself was providing me with a new kind of pain; I had to wear them in. They had never been worn before, so the leather was new and not stretched, and neither had the instep been worn in. Just yesterday as I was looking at my bare feet I noticed they were red and sore. The soles of my feet screamed at me, and the sides of my feet pounded. All signs that I had to work to get these shoes to the place that I needed them to be. I have to be strong though. Because guess what else I took note of? I have no lower back pain or knee pain or ankle pain at the end of the day. Sure, my feet hurt, but I know what's awaiting me if I'm just patient!
Oh, these shoes of mine. It's funny how my throbbing feet make me think of Jesus, and how this shoe issue is eerily similar to a spiritual issue I'm working through. How's that? Well, I can only really explain using a picture God brings back to my mind.
When I was younger my parents would take us up to my Aunt and Uncle's horse farm in Vermont. I can remember one specific drive so clearly.. I even have proof of the drive because that was the first memory I have of journaling. It's a comforting memory. I sat back and watched the scenery change from rural to city to mountains.. everything whirring by, so I just watched the skyline. One thing that stands out, the reason for the picture, is that I never drove to Vermont, I always relied on my parents because I was too young to drive. I sat in the back and watched the scenery, I had no real responsibilities other than to be quiet and not argue with my sisters on the 3 hour drive up there. I'm sure at the time that was fine by me, but now I look back and don't want that anymore for myself. I don't want to sit back and watch the scenery whir by, I want to know what happens in the front seat. I want to see the streets being taken, and the routes we follow. I want to know the names of the towns we pass through, and I want to see what's coming as we drive along.
That's what I think of when I think of those new shoes of mine. My opportunity to be in the front seat. I'm getting the chance to see just why those shoes became so comfortable, I get to see what it takes, and I'm the one doing what it takes.
The reason it effects my heart is because I find myself in a new place, I want to serve more. I want to do the work, I don't want it done for me, and that's a new spiritual maturity. Sure I've seen the need for it in my life, this isn't news to me.. but I can honestly say this is a turning point.
I've spent years being trapped between two people.. the person I used to be and the person I'm becoming. Some days I find myself, metaphorically speaking, "stuck in the middle" and watch as the two fight the war that's been raging inside of me for a long time. On one side I see the innocent young girl who holds her Father's hand as she begins her journey through the mess of her life... on the other side I see a warrior, a battle-worn woman who is willing to fight her hardest to keep going up the mountain she's decided to climb. That girl in the middle will sit and watch the other two (metaphorically) and wonder just what it is that warrior uses to keep going. And long for the days when it was simpler, when she was the little girl and all her Father asked of her was to trust Him. Trusting Him meant to walk with Him, and those walks were filled with His love, His daily reminders of His desires for her, and His comforting hand as she started to believe the things He spoke into her life.
The warrior knows that she's not there anymore. Life has become a battlefield. She has many war wounds, and feels the pain of the battles. Battles she has won.
It's a strange place I'm in lately. I spend more time in my thoughts than ever. I've seen so much, yet I almost think this is only the tip of the iceberg.
I'll live to fight another day, God willing, and as long as I'm breathing I'll have to battle. Giving in is easy, just like deciding to just wear my old shoes would be easier.. those are already worn in after all.. but I can't help feeling like wearing in those shoes is a triumph. It'll be a landmark, and I'll be able to look at them with a heart of encouragement knowing I powered through.
One can only think that their Father in heaven is behind all this, after all, He did say "All things work together for the good of those who love God and are the called according to His purpose" AND "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans not to harm you. Plans for good, to give you a hope and a future."
The bible is His book of promises. Words written to mankind to prove His love for them. And I can't question the methods He chooses for me. I choose to accept whatever lessons He gives, in whatever form it comes, because
I never want to stop learning.
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