Unconditional

I know it's been awhile since I've written.

Things are pretty bad here in the heart and home of Jossyb.  But I shall spare you the drama.  Because there are more important things at hand!  Like unconditional words.

What does unconditional mean?

Well first of all it's an adjective.  "In grammar, an adjective is a 'describing' word; the main syntactic role of which is to qualify a noun or noun phrase, giving more information about the object signified." ~Taken from the always informative Wikipedia!

Second its meaning is pretty simple;
                                   without conditions or limitations
So there it is.

But I'm thinking about unconditional LOVE.  So now we see another simple meaning;
          affection with no limits or conditions; complete love

You know, that's one difficult word, unconditional.  You could pare it up with lots of words and it changes the meaning to something much more than it was before.

Unconditional Faith.
Unconditional Trust.
Unconditional Truth.
Unconditional Help.

See?  Those words just got very different, simply with the word unconditional in front of them.  I just love what that word does to those other words.

Funny story, I've experienced a lot over the last few months that have strengthened my desire for those things.  Never thought I'd ever have to deal with the things I'm dealing with today.  Never imagined my life to be like this.  But one thing remains; life's trials do not have to break me, or my belief.

If anything I cling to them stronger than ever.  Unconditional love?  I do understand it a bit more now.  I've had to practice it.  I've had to love someone without conditions.  Has it been difficult? You bet your sweet butt it has been.  Knowing the things I do about some of the people in my life I've had to adjust my way of thinking.  One thing I've always practiced is that people are separate from their actions.  I live this way because we can change our actions.  We can choose how we act.  I also live according to the belief that we all have free will.  We have the freedom to act as we choose.

This can be a problem in a few ways.  The biggest is that our choice on how to act may not be how someone else would act and that someone else might become very difficult because of it.  But the beauty of free will is that we also have the freedom to live how we desire, in spite of those people.

Oh dear.  I think I've just started another three part-er... You know, I never mean for these things to happen because I go into these things with the intention of just a simple conversation... yet as soon as I begin to type I suddenly realize the things I'm talking about are not as simple as I expect.

My intention with this topic was simple, talk about the word unconditional.  But it's become quite clear that although the topic has a simple definition, it does NOT have a simple explanation.

I want it to be understood through my perspective, the way I see it.. and you can take it however you want.

I've come to realize having no conditions tends to remove the boundaries that surround the things we have boundaries around.  If you have conditions on why you love someone, such as you would only love someone as long as they do not hurt you or make you feel badly, then that is pretty acceptable in most peoples eyes.

But once you cross over into the unconditional love territory you've opened up something that not everyone can get behind.

Unconditional love sounds lovely at first.  It sounds romantic even... but the reality of it is more than we even can grasp.  When you love someone without conditions that means NO MATTER WHAT.  Someone could beat the crap out of you, steal from you, lie to you, ruin you.. but that won't stop the unconditional part.

Once you think of it that way it stops being so romantic, doesn't it?

What about unconditional faith? Or trust?  Trusting or having faith in someone without conditions.  Meaning I will trust you and you won't have to do anything in return.

I guess I never realized how powerful that word really is.

A lot can happen in a few short days.. it only took 1 day to change my life as I knew it.  That day was Thanksgiving Day.

And in that 1 day I began a new journey to practice unconditional words.  I've found that I can't expect those words from those who do not even understand them, which doesn't give me an excuse to not show it to those very people.

I've had a difficult few months.  All that I knew is now changed.  The only thing that remains is my one constant; and that is Jesus.  The one who claimed and perfectly executed the very definition of unconditional words.

The other day I found something that has reminded me of why I need to press on and continue to practice those things.  It was something a friend wrote down for me on an index card.  I don't know where she got it from, but I know it's been very helpful.

"When something bad happens you have three choices.  1. You can let it define you. 2. You can let it destroy you. or 3.  You can let it strengthen you."

Something bad has happened.  Life is much more difficult than ever.  BUT if I give in to all the chaos and negative things now I will have to live with the consequences.  All those who are around me that know what's going on have voiced their opinions.  They've had their say.  And now I'm done listening to those people.

I've stopped listening to them because I don't want opinions from people who don't understand the words that I hold so tightly to.  Those people live in fear, they act out in fear, and they thrive on fear.

Me?  I choose to only fear 1 thing; God.

Everything else is just noise.

The Aftermath

What did I learn from my rant yesterday?  I learned that I don't really feel that way.  I was just desiring to get the junk out of my head and heart.

Can I tell you how grateful I am for those people of the Church that I looked to as family?  I realize yesterday I was kind of a jerk, but that was yesterday.  Today God was able to help me work through all that mess of feelings and I can see better just how much they helped me become who I am today.

So many courageous women have shown me to not back down and move forward even when things seem to be at their worst...

From Debbie Pike to Sheila Chittum, Michelle Desrochers (aka Mama D), Laura Blakney, Mary Gay Smith, Kathy Dunton, Dee Corriveau, Pastor Babs, Jean Barry, Amy Passas, Linda Wright, Tammy Hickey, Linda Limanni, Dot Morgan, Patty Romero, Marilyn Page, Tamara Schafar, Sue West, June Chesbrough, Laurine Younas, Aleida, Elaine Michaud, Loraina Estabrook, Sheila Hall, Pam McCauley, Shauna Kaplan, Sharon Hurley, Verna Keefe, Pat Guinta, and the very missed Joan Douglass.

There's some I'm leaving out, I'm sure.. but there are so many that helped me get through some very rough times in my life.  And I want them to know I haven't forgotten.

These ladies made an impression on me, and I get my courage from the strength they showed.  These ladies have faced some rough waters and never backed down.  They are stronger to me because of their love for Christ, and dependence on God.  They've shown me that walking with Jesus in this life is not always easy, but its always worth it.

I watched these ladies over the years, and found that the answers don't always come easy.  Sometimes you have to wait for them, sometimes you have to fight for them, sometimes you have to search for them, and sometimes they don't ever come at all.  But its never a reason to quit.  Backing down isn't an option.

I can't say enough about these ladies.  They were a strength when I needed it.  I am forever grateful.  I think yesterdays rant was actually more about the fact that so much is changing, and its been hard on me.  My job has changed, my address is changing, and now I'm changing churches... From someone who loves change even I'm feeling a little bit dizzy.

But I'm positive this change is for the good.  I know God has a purpose for me in this new endeavor, and I am going to have faith and believe its for the Good of His Kingdom, and my life.

Maybe things are a little erratic at the moment.  But I can see by the example these ladies left for me that I'm going to get through it.  And when I do I'll be that much stronger.

So thanks Ladies.  Thank you for being who I needed, when I needed it!

Square Peg, Round hole kinda feeling

Funny story, I have never felt like I fit in anywhere.  I tried really hard to do just that in my surroundings, but you know what I got from that?

I was told that I was scary.

Yeah, maybe I'm loud, and crazy... but my heart is genuine, and it seriously hurt me when the people I expected to be more accepting turned out to be more hypocritical.

It doesn't matter who I mean, what matters is how I'm going to react to it.

So maybe people don't get me.  Okay, I can be a bit of a puzzle, I guess, but what I'm really finding is that it's more that the people I'm trying to get to see me are actually more blind than they realize.  I find it funny that in Christianity it's promoted to be forgiving, full of mercy, grace, and truth.. but those are the very things that are never really shown.  Don't agree?  Well that's fine, you can have your own opinion in this, but the one place I have had to fight for those very things is not usually the outside world, it's within the walls of the Church and the hearts of the Christians who occupy them.

Don't take this wrong, I am NOT saying they are horrible people.  They aren't.  But I am saying that its a bit frustrating finding those very people who are supposed to be there for you because you are "family" to be the least likely to help.

You know what's ironic?  I sought out comfort from a church because I felt like a black sheep in my family, but instead of feeling welcome and part of them I feel more like a black sheep than ever.  Maybe it's just me being a girl, who knows, I do tend to over-think things.. but I just can't shake the feeling that I am always the one that not many understands,  even fewer reaches out to, and very little sympathize with.

I'm trying to break this down, because it happens a lot to me.  And I just can't seem to figure it out.  What I've come up with is that I'm not one that hides the fact that I'm tired, or cranky, or frustrated.. but I also hate it when people assume somethings wrong if there isn't a smile plastered on my face.  There must be a problem, or something wrong if Jossyb isn't smiling, cause God knows you should always be smiling!!

No.  You are confusing me with Barbie.  She always has a smile on her face, that's why they pay her the big bucks.  Me?... If I'm anything I'm honest.  I'd rather tell you the truth then lie and here's the truth, you need to get to know me more because I have more emotions than just being happy.  And one of them is feeling calm. You know what that looks like?  Me not jumping around or smiling. I'm BEING CALM.

People drive me crazy.  I analyze myself enough, I don't want a million people doing it as well, and if I wanted to I'd go to a freaking psychologist thank you.

I know this seems like I can't stand people, but I really do still like people in spite of how annoying they can be. Go ahead, correct my grammar... suck the fun out of new things for me, ruin surprises, eat my candy, take my stuff... but I'm not kidding when I say you'll always have a friend in me.  I'm just wired that way.
 
I don't like being that person that holds things against another.  I have this crazy desire to separate a person from their actions.. but giving a person freedom to change is not ideal in a world full of people who want the bad guy to suffer instead of get better. If anything its made me more enemies than friends.  How dare I want someone to change for the good?  They must be punished forever!!  But I'm not that person.  I'm simply that person that wants that from others.. If I make a stupid mistake I'd like to know that there is someone in my life who'll say that my mistakes don't define me, my triumph's do.

So maybe this is why I'm so horribly frustrated with people stating I am scary.  If anything I'm the least of their worries.  Unless the truth is what really scares them. And I'm sorry, but it is in my DNA to be honest.  I can't help it.  If you want to know whether I think you are an idiot or not for something you did I'll tell you, otherwise don't ask me and then label me scary for telling you the truth.  And next time you see me and I'm not smiling don't automatically jump to the conclusion that something is wrong.  And don't ask me how I'm feeling.  I hate that.

No worries though.  We'll still be cool.  Unless you eat my last bit of ice cream... than all bets are off.

Dreams and such...

I was wondering when God was going to lead me to write about this.  You see I've had one of the craziest, but also very loud and to the point, dreams.

It happened years ago, but I can still see it like it happened last night.

In the dream I was in a corporate building in Heaven.  God was sitting at a large opening in a wall with all His heavenly creatures around Him.  He had boxes full and piled around Him that He was taking one by one and throwing out the opening down to the Middle Eastern countries.. you know, all those "taboo" places where everyone would rather not go because of the wars and fighting and such.  I looked at another pile of boxes and grabbed one labeled "death and famine" and thought I could help and threw it out the opening down to them.  I stood looking out the opening, proud of myself for helping, and then turned to God and all the creatures.  They were all staring at me, and not in a good way.

Then I noticed the boxes God have been throwing down.

They were marked "food and blessings".

That's when I woke up.

What's the point of me telling you this? That it's quite possible the people of God are making the same mistake all over again.

Jesus told a parable of the good Samaritan. He spoke this parable in response to a man who was an expert in religious law.  The man asked Jesus what he needed to do to inherit eternal life.

We find this story in Luke 10:25-37(nlt) 

The Most Important Commandment

One day an expert in religious law stood up to test Jesus by asking him this question: “Teacher, what should I do to inherit eternal life?”
Jesus replied, “What does the law of Moses say? How do you read it?”
The man answered, “‘You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.’ And, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”c
“Right!” Jesus told him. “Do this and you will live!”
The man wanted to justify his actions, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

Parable of the Good Samaritan

Jesus replied with a story: “A Jewish man was traveling from Jerusalem down to Jericho, and he was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him up, and left him half dead beside the road.
“By chance a priest came along. But when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed him by. A Temple assistant walked over and looked at him lying there, but he also passed by on the other side.
“Then a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins, telling him, ‘Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I’ll pay you the next time I’m here.’
“Now which of these three would you say was a neighbor to the man who was attacked by bandits?” Jesus asked.
The man replied, “The one who showed him mercy.”
Then Jesus said, “Yes, now go and do the same.”

What I take from this is that we need to consider everyone around us our neighbor. In this story Jesus told even the Priest and Temple assistant walked away from someone who should be considered their neighbor.. they chose to ignore the needs.  But a man who was a stranger to the hurt man stopped and helped.  We do not know who this man was, whether a Jew or Gentile, but we do know that it didn't matter to this man.

The Jews had a major issue caring about anyone outside of their "People".  Don't hear me wrong.  I'm not saying they should be chastised or punished for this.  What I'm saying is don't make the same mistake.

Over and over God gave His people a chance to be a light to the world.  Telling them to shine His glory.  To show of His greatness, His love, and His faithfulness. FOR ALL.  But all throughout the history of the Israelite's you see the same thing.. they seem to think that God only had room for them in His love.

God became fed up with this.  He didn't want it to continue, so He sent Jesus.  Jesus came to seek and save Jew AND Gentile.  All who wanted Grace got it.  All who sought Mercy found it.  All who needed healing received it.  Jesus didn't ever deny someone based on whether they were a Jew or not.

Today we live in a world so divided.  There are lines drawn everywhere of who to help and who to ignore. This person is lazy, this person believes crazy things, this person has too much.

The same things that applied then should apply today.  I believe God gave me this dream because we are making war with a people that God wants to know that He loves too.  He EXEMPTS NO ONE. He does not base His love on anything other than the heart of the believer.  People base their kindness on who the receiver is and whether they deserve it.  But what I think is that no one really deserves kindness.  We all mess up and make horrible decisions and terrible mistakes.

We think awful things, we do awful things.

And sometimes I wonder, do we exclude people for the same reason Jonah didn't want God to show compassion and mercy to Nineveh?

Jonah’s Anger at the LORD’s Mercy

This change of plans greatly upset Jonah, and he became very angry. So he complained to the LORD about it: “Didn’t I say before I left home that you would do this, LORD? That is why I ran away to Tarshish! I knew that you are a merciful and compassionate God, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. You are eager to turn back from destroying people. Just kill me now, LORD! I’d rather be dead than alive if what I predicted will not happen.”
The LORD replied, “Is it right for you to be angry about this?”
Then Jonah went out to the east side of the city and made a shelter to sit under as he waited to see what would happen to the city. And the LORD God arranged for a leafy plant to grow there, and soon it spread its broad leaves over Jonah’s head, shading him from the sun. This eased his discomfort, and Jonah was very grateful for the plant.
But God also arranged for a worm! The next morning at dawn the worm ate through the stem of the plant so that it withered away. And as the sun grew hot, God arranged for a scorching east wind to blow on Jonah. The sun beat down on his head until he grew faint and wished to die. “Death is certainly better than living like this!” he exclaimed.
Then God said to Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry because the plant died?”
“Yes,” Jonah retorted, “even angry enough to die!”
Then the LORD said, “You feel sorry about the plant, though you did nothing to put it there. It came quickly and died quickly. But Nineveh has more than 120,000 people living in spiritual darkness, not to mention all the animals. Shouldn’t I feel sorry for such a great city?”

What a miserable man Jonah was.  He was so angry God loved all people, instead of just his people.  And why?  No good reason I can think of.  People need to take from this one thing.. NO ONE is above another.  We all belong to the same God, and He loves us all.  He's there to show His mercy and compassion to ALL.  Not just Jews.  Not just Christians. ALL.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. -2 Peter 3:9(niv)

Let's Talk about the Cross Part 3

So what is this Greater Purpose I keep talking about? Why am I so obsessed with it???

Well that's easy, its the reason we are all here!

The Bible is one amazing book, if you ask me, and it's full of a lot of amazing stories.  To some they are just too crazy to believe.  A man being swallowed whole by a whale... then spit back out, no harm done... people being healed of birth defects and blindness and broken or useless limbs becoming like new... donkey's talking, a Red Sea Parting, a whole earth flooding... it was crazy!

What if you let yourself believe the things of the bible?  The good and the bad?  The stuff that scares you and the stuff that you crave and desire most?  What's so wrong with believing in it?  Why is everyone so scared of it??  It really is strange to me that a book of books is considered dangerous to some and a myth to others. Its a lifeline, or a table leveler.  Some read it as a last resort, some read it as the only way they've ever known.

But there's something to be said here.. there's no way this book means nothing.

From Genesis to Revelation this book is the beginning of one thing and the end of another.  Jewish literature teaches the first part, also known as the Old Testament, but refused the second part... the New Testament.

Why?  Because of Jesus.

The Gospels tell a story about a man born to a virgin, from an immaculate birth in a time when life seemed to have lost all hope for a Great people.  These people were set apart by God Himself, as a Light to the World. They were the shining example of God's love and faithfulness.  But these people messed up.  They became prideful and convinced of their own importance.  They believed that God only loved them, they didn't pay attention to stories such as the one of Rahab who helped Joshua's spies by hiding them from the King.  She wasn't a Jew, yet she craved the love and protection of their God, and didn't stop until she got it. And not only did she become adopted into the family of the Jews, but she was an ancestor in the line of King David! And Jesus Christ!

There's something to say about that!  Maybe there is no special people in the way that it's been told.  The way I read it those people were supposed to be a shining example of Who God Is but instead they acted like completely spoiled brats.  Having to be told constantly that they needed to change or else God would cut them off... What do I mean?  Well, there are books included of Prophets who were sent to the Jews to speak on God's behalf.  These men (and women) were sent to deliver a message.  Most messages were about God's grace, but there were many about His disappointment.  16 books of Prophets telling about the failing of people and the coming of something new that would change the old ways.  Because the old ways failed too. People weren't getting it.  They knew what it would take to have God's favor.. the sacrifices and the rituals were pretty set in stone.  God didn't stutter.  But the amount of sacrificing is kind of disgusting. Have you ever smelled blood before?? It's gross.  I can't even believe the Israelite's were okay with that.

But honestly, they did what needed to be done to be right with God.

But at some point I think they realized it was impossible for them to keep it up.  Why? Well because it was too easy to mess up.  There was so much to constantly be making up for and it got to a point where I'm sure they felt discouraged.

Living as the Chosen People of God wasn't exactly cake.  They had a lot of ground to cover and some major life choices to make that would set them apart.  If they lived as God's Holy People maybe others would want to live that way too.  I'm thinking that was the point.  But instead it was used against others.

Wars were fought, lives lost, and still the same thing.

Then the line of communication between man and God went quiet.  For 400 years.  Things were being set into motion in that time period, and the faithfulness of God seemed gone, but it wasn't.  A great place for a quick explanation of some things that happened during that time can be found on www.bibleview.org check out 400 Silent Years.

But the coming of a Savior was on its way.  Near the end of the Silent Years is when Jesus came into the picture.  Some scientists of the time (in the bible they were referred to as Magi) were following the words of the prophets and noticed the change in the constellations one day and decided to follow them.  By the time they had reached the birthplace of Jesus He would have been two years old.  The King was pretty mad about this baby being foretold as great King.. he got so jealous he sent to have all male babies 2 and under to be murdered so God told Joseph (Jesus' earthly father) to flee from there.

30 years after Jesus' birth was the start of His ministry.  For 3 years Jesus spent His earthly life healing bodies, minds, and spirits.  He taught with authority.  He spoke with wisdom.  And He brought a new kind of thinking that messed with the thinking of the Jews.

So they plotted His death.  And when Jesus was ready He let them murder Him.  Why? Because that was the plan.  A plan set far before the scene of the Cross.  A plan that started in a garden, with a man a woman and a serpent.

When you look back over the span of time it seems that all things up to the time of the cross were tense. There was battle going on, and it wasn't pretty.  But the battle was on the inside of the humans, not the outside.  The fighting that raged was anger, depression, fear, jealousy, laziness, coveting, and more.  From these feelings we can see why King David had a man murdered after sleeping with the man's wife.. feelings can be pretty powerful.  And can lead to some bad decisions..

Like the first bad decision.  Eating from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  And what knowledge was gained by eating from that tree? Genesis 3:7 "At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves."

Feelings.  They were made aware of the bad feelings they could feel.  Toward themselves.

Could you imagine a world without bad feelings?  With only the Fruit of the spirit? Which happens to be Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and SELF-CONTROL. (couldn't help myself.. that's one that most people are not capable of, including myself).

This would be why Jesus allowed Himself to be murdered on the cross.  To tip the scale in OUR favor.  The serpent plays dirty and what he did was bring something into our lives that isn't meant to be there.  That's why all those negative feelings feel so wrong! They shouldn't be a part of our life!

The Cross changed things.  It's a GIANT gesture, on our behalf, to tell us we don't have to fight this alone.  In fact, we're not only going to win, the battle's already over.  We need only accept the gesture by faith, and live as a disciple of Jesus Christ.  Follow His words and ways, and trust that God's plan is deeper than loving us... He's got a plan to use us to remove this serpent once and for all.

Let's talk about the Cross Part 2

In my last blog I spoke about how God put a plan in motion that was meant to remove the sin from the world.  Why was sin IN the world? I'm glad you asked!

Now I don't claim to be an expert on theology, but from what I've studied the best I can say is that there was a time before humans existed that there was something major that happened.  We count the start of time by the start of existence of the human race, or even when the earth began.. but if you believe in God then you would know that He is Eternal.. and that means He has no beginning and has no end.

He exists.  Has always existed, and will always exist.

From this we can gather that our story is not truly the beginning.  There really is this whole other storyline and we are just dropped down into it... kind of like watching a new character get introduced into a soap opera show.  Any new character from that show Lost wouldn't know what the heck was going on because of how much drama that had already played out (Remember that show??).  So we can loosely associate this to describe the scene of Genesis.

Genesis chapter 1 and 2 essentially hit on creation.. but I can't help feeling like there are so many holes and gaps in the story.  In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth (Genesis 1:1), but why?  When the LORD God made the earth and the heavens, 5neither wild plants nor grains were growing on the earth. For the LORD God had not yet sent rain to water the earth, and there were no people to cultivate the soil. (Genesis 2:4) okay cool, so He plans to? But why?

I can't help it.  I feel like there's this setting being created and there's no explanation other than He created man and woman in His own image because He wanted to.  But this is God we're talking about.  He does NOTHING without a purpose and a plan.

This was just my theory, so don't go all crazy on me about how wrong I am, but as I started to study Genesis and read the bible something really started to stick out at me... in the first real story about Adam and Eve there's another character that shows up... the serpent.  And he's got lots of bad things going on with him and hello.. how come he can talk and no other animal can? HUH?

He's got a few other spotlights too.  He shows up in Isaiah 27, he's all over Job, and even in the Psalms. He's got a name too, Leviathan.  He's referred to even in the New Testament in Romans.  This serpent that shows up in the beginning is referred to more than a few times.  And I can only wonder, who is this serpent and why is there a resounding need to crush him?  He's not a new character, I can tell you that.  And he definitely manipulated Adam and Eve for his own purposes.  Him and God seemed to have some history. And not a good history.

There are many speculations of who he really is, but one thing remained, he was absolutely the enemy.  He conspired to trip up humanity because obviously he was looking for trouble.  I imagine he was more than a serpent.

But what I know is merely bits and pieces from a larger story in a time that no one has ever seen.  It's ancient.  And really all that applies to us as human beings is the scene from the garden.  When Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree it was like a domino effect that continues to this day. That's where sin originated for humans.  But for the serpent it existed with his story.  And I can't tell you that, but I can tell you where I think is the end of those dominoes.  That we find in Revelation 12:7-9(NLT)...

7Then there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon and his angels. 8And the dragon lost the battle, and he and his angels were forced out of heaven. 9This great dragon—the ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, the one deceiving the whole world—was thrown down to the earth with all his angels.

This "serpent" that deceived the human race in the garden was really just setting the stage for something much bigger that was eventually going to be his undoing... the serpent was helping God with his own destruction.

Whoa.. come on.. right?? But think about it.  God created a race, in His own image, then put them in the place where He has cast this "serpent" aka "Satan"... then placed trees in the garden where the people were and told the humans not to touch it, but the serpent was all.. no way, I'm totally going to thwart His plan?? Come on, let's give God some credit.  He created all things, and KNOWS all things.  Don't you think He knew that the serpent was going to do that?  So why could He possibly have created those people? Hmmm?? Anyone have a guess?

TO CRUSH THE SERPENT.

But as it stood, those humans had eaten from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil... And God couldn't have sin in His presence... but He didn't set all this up without a plan and purpose! No way.  He had GREATER THINGS IN MIND.

Let's talk about the Cross. Part 1 of 3

Today as I drove home from dropping off my son.. my mind started wandering to the things that are in my life right now.

Lots of new things are starting to poke through the ground (metaphorically speaking) and I'm starting to see the changes.  But one thing has been ever-present... my belief in Christ is still this place in my heart where I don't completely understand.

Why is the Cross so very important?  Why is it that Jesus can make such a difference in me?  God, sent His son, in human form to die for me... so that He can remove anything in my life that would keep us apart.  But why?  Why does that prove He loves me?  Why does it even matter?

So let's talk about this giant elephant in the room.  Let's talk about what the Cross is and why it's so dang important, shall we?

Ok, first of all, I'm not perfect.  (WHAT????) Yeah.  It's the truth. (Hangs head)..

Little old me, I make mistakes.  I try really hard not to, but they are there.. like a gross stain on the white t-shirt of life.  And I can bleach the heck out of it.. you know, try to make up for it.. but there's so many stains! I've lied, cheated, stole, been an adultress (eck.. that one stings) and more!  I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of.  So I've changed my life to make up for it.  I bleached my shirt, so to speak, and I can say that those stains aren't so apparent anymore.. but there's this other thing in my life.  I believe in God.  I believe that He created me, and that when I die I will have Him to look forward to.  But guess what?  Those bleached stains on my t-shirt of life? Yeah, they aren't so invisible to Him.  He sees them.  He knows they are there.

YIKES!  So what I'm saying is if I choose to live this life of faith and believe there is a God who created all things then I have to follow His rules for all things..

Rule no. 1? Sin is a no no.  You have to be without sin to be in His presence.  No He's not this giant, evil kid with a magnifying glass waiting to fry the puny ant-people on this planet.  If you read His book (The BIBLE, in case you didn't know) the very first chapter of the very first book tells us that He created the earth and people to share Himself.  He LOVED His creation.  Wanted to have a RELATIONSHIP with His creation.. He even made us in His own image!  He was a proud Father... spent time with them, and gave them rule over all the earth.  What does this have to do with me?

Well, this garden they hung out in is the scene of the first Sin in human history.  Adam and Eve went against the direction of God to not eat from the tree of good and evil and became aware of knowledge that changed our history.  They were ejected from the Garden because if they possessed that knowledge AND ate from the tree of life then eternity would be filled with a humanity that had sin in their life.  NOT GOOD.

Fast forward to today and we see humanity still has this knowledge.  Knowing Good and Knowing Evil. Doing Good and doing Evil.  EVERYONE. No one is exempt.  Including me.  I do good, but I also do evil.  Evil is whatever is not good.  Do I really need to explain that?  Well maybe I should, because lately this world seems to not have a handle on what the difference is.

If you're wondering what God's list is then look up the Ten Commandments.  Those are pretty self-explanatory.. God's pretty black and white about what's good.  If you're still not sure then take a look at the Bible.  He's got some great examples of what's good AND evil in there!

For me, that means that I've sinned.  All that stuff I've done in my life that was not good according to His word is all those stains on my white t-shirt that I was talking about.  And I can bleach all I want, He still knows about them.  There's nothing I can do to remove them.  I need a new shirt.

God knows this.  In fact, He already knew this even before I was born!  He had a plan the moment Adam and Eve were created.  His plan wasn't thwarted by those two.. no, it was put into motion!  Because of this whole other deal with the one who started this crap in the first place... Satan.

Oh dear, I guess I'm gonna need to make this a three parter... Next up? What the crap is Satan and why does he even matter?

Three not-so-little lessons

It's been a while since I sat down and wrote about the lessons I've been learning.  Mostly because I wasn't finished with the one I'm currently figuring out.

You see, I'm one of those people, I guess, that learns by experience.  It's just the way it's been working out, as frustrating as it tends to be.

Over the last few months one thing has been nagging me; I am so lonely.  I hate that.  Ya know?  I figured I'd be fine to just live out my life working with the few things I'm responsible for and eventually things would change over time.  But this Spring something strange happened.. God told me things were going to change in the Fall.  He even had me in this place where I just couldn't do my job until I told my boss that I may be leaving in October.. I thought it was INSANE. I continuously denied God and said nothing.  But God wasn't letting up either, and as stubborn as I was, I just couldn't stand how crazy the thought was making me.  So, I told my boss (in tears, might I add, because I LOVE my job) that I felt that I would probably be leaving in October to pursue other things.  She said she saw it coming, she knew something was going on with me because apparently I'm an open book.. ok, what the crap! But anyway, after our meeting I did nothing to pursue another job.  Things with EGMI (Eastern Gate Ministries, international) were heating up.. after coming back from Africa there was this crazy pull to become more of a part of the ministry, so I nagged  the President until he gave me an official position, one that I've loved every minute of!  Through doing both EGMI stuff and working at Beacon Hospice as a traveling aide I started to realize my flaws,  I hated that I had no time, and what little time I did have I spent sleeping or doing nothing because I was exhausted.

I knew this wasn't going to be able to continue.  I couldn't live like this, one of these jobs would have to go... but how do you quit doing something you love?? I LOVED both of what I was doing.  I was PASSIONATE about both.  I couldn't imagine leaving either.  So I did nothing.  I left it up to God.  If He wanted me somewhere else, He was going to make it known to me.

The summer was not a long one for me.  But there was a lot of changes that were looming over me.  I decided to try and buy a house (NOT easy) and when that fell through I just kind of was stagnant mentally. I did my part for what I was responsible for, but in my personal life I felt like a failure.  I live with my son, alone, in an apartment that I can barely afford.  And I was trying to buy a house?? Am I crazy??  I hate living alone.  I grew up with 6 siblings and the house was constantly buzzing, yes I wanted my space to be alone, but I've definitely grown to the point where I'm over that.

That brings me to my point.  The THREE LESSONS I'VE LEARNED.

 In life there are many things we learn.  But for me I've had three distinct things that have made an impression on me.

Number 1: Dependence... on God.  My time I spent dating God was crucial for me.  I was able to learn some deep, foundational rules that have changed how I view the world.  I knew my need to depend on God for guidance, strength, love, and so much more was necessary to help me to the next lesson...

Number 2: Independence... from others.  I needed to learn to walk on my own two feet.  I needed to know I could maintain a job on my own.  I needed to see that I was capable of succeeding... to get a job and keep it.  (And I did!  I just celebrated my 8th year!)  To live on my own, and maintain a budget. (I sort of did that) and to help my son grow up (that's still ongoing).

That leads me to Number 3: Interdependence.  Oye, that word.  It gets me a little annoyed.  Mostly because I liked being independent.  I liked living on my own and doing my own thing, until now.  Now as I go through my day of working in facilities that aren't my own and visiting homes of families that aren't mine I've come to realize that I want to belong somewhere.

My dad's gonna be so thrilled.  He's been on my case about this lately.  Trying to break me down to see that I need my family.  But I stood my independent ground, the one I built on my own, and said that wasn't true.  I had my church, and I had my job, and I had my ministry work... those things keep me busy!  I don't need to worry about anything else.. besides, Ethan's my family, and eventually I plan to get married! So I don't need to think about them.  I can just turn my back and pretend they don't exist, or aren't necessary in my life because, hey, they don't share my beliefs.. voila! Right there is an excuse to put a big giant wall between us! Me and my self-righteousness can be happy on our less chaotic side... only that hasn't been sitting well, and Jesus has been right there this whole time trying explain to me why I'm so very wrong.  Whatever Jesus, you don't know everything!! Ok, you do. UGGGGH.

So today was a milestone in my lesson of interdependence; I recognized the need.  I realize now I need people in my life, and the ones who are always there for me, even though I ignore them and treat them like doody, are the ones I'm now seeing in a different light.

I walked away from my family four years ago.  I decided to try this, "On my own" thing.  I needed to know I could do it, and I needed space.  But now, the reasons I left don't seem as terrible as I thought.  Or maybe I'm different now, and they won't affect me like they used to... Not really that sure.  But I do know one thing, I don't want to be alone anymore.

Another thing?  A job.  That's what put this all into motion.  I have a chance at a position, starting in October, that will change a lot of stuff in my life now as I know it.  But I know its the right move for me, because I can hear God in the details.  No I can't SEE Him in the details, I HEAR Him.  Meaning there are things about this job that I can hear Him speaking to me through... changes that I've been seeking, answers to prayers that I've been holding fast to for a while now.

So October should be an interesting month for me.  It'll be transitional, that's for sure... but you know what? I LOVE CHANGE, that makes my life better.  I'm going to trust God is with me, "Lo, even until the end of the earth".. I'm going to believe this is just another page in the story He's writing for my life, and I'm going to be faithful and follow Him.

Here's to new things!

It's not a popularity contest Part 3

"One early spring Darlene and I moved with our family to the country.  We needed to slow down.  We were looking forward to enjoying the beauty of our new place.
A couple of days after we unpacked, I was puttering in my garage when I noticed my neighbor hacking down a row of grapevines that rambled along a fence on our shared property line.  I had assumed that we owned the vines jointly.  Wasn't that how things worked in the country?  We already had visions of feasting on bucketfuls of grapes in the fall.
I walked over to say hi.  My neighbor, a large, white-haired man in overalls, wielded the biggest set of shears I'd ever seen.  All around him lay heaps of grape branches.
"You don't like grapes, I guess?" I said, trying to conceal my distress.
"Love grapes," he said.
"Really.  Well, I thought maybe we would be sharing the crop from this vine and I..." I hesitated.  Maybe it was too late to do any good.
He eyed my shiny shoes.  "You're a city boy, aren't ya?" he said.
"Not exactly, but I -"
"Don't know anything about grapes, do ya?" he broke in, and went back to hacking at the vine.
I told him I knew I liked the taste of them.  And I told him I had particularly liked the promising look of this row of grapes when I bought the place.
"You like big, juicy grapes?" he asked over his shoulder.
"Of course! My family does too," I said.
"Well, son," he said, "we can either grow ourselves a lot of beautiful leaves filling up this whole fence line. Or we can have the biggest, juiciest, sweetest grapes you and your family have ever seen."  He looked at me. "We just can't have both." ~Taken from "Secrets of the Vine" by Bruce Wilkinson

John 15:1“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 

I look at that vine reference and I see my experience with people.  The old man hacking the branches knew a thing or two about grape growing, obviously.  He knew that the leaves of the branches were not the purpose of the plant.  And stretched out over long areas the vine would have more to take care of, so there was no focus on any specific area.    Had he let the vine expand the grapes would grow, but they wouldn't be the biggest and best the vine could produce.  They would be the result of a vine that just continued to spread out, with no focus on anything other than spreading out.

You could just accept this about the vine.  You could leave the vine alone and let it grow where it wants to grow.  Some vines just keep going and don't stop, even when it ends up in crazy places.  I had some experiences with grapevines.  Most of the vines were on the side of the road.  One grew down a rock wall that was lined with poison ivy.  Another was crawling up the back of a house across a busy road.  All of them were sour grapes.  They were pretty gross.  But no one ate them because of where they were growing and how they were growing.  They were never tended to.  They were left to fend for themself and instead of being pruned and the area weeded they became  smaller and smaller and eventually they all died.  I drive past where they used to be sometimes and there's nothing left to them.  Without the care they needed they perished.

See here's where I get confrontational.  People left to their own lives without pruning or tending to will eventually become as useless as those sour grapes.  Any grapes those vines produced weren't very good.  People who are compared to sour grapes are usually negative people.  And anything they produce is usually negative.

We all have things in our lives that don't really need to be there.  We all have habits that serve no purpose.

What this says to me is that God wants the very best from us, and to get that He's going to take His heavenly pruning shears and cut away the extra branches that are keeping the really good grapes from growing.  My desire to be accepted was getting in the way of me doing anything.  Every time I was rejected it was like I just really needed to make up for it... I didn't need to be accepted.  In fact, I'm willing to say being accepted is not a necessary part of life.  The only One we need to accept us is the One who created us, and that deal is sealed when we accept Him! From there on its just a journey of strengthening roots and branches to produce big, juicy, sweet grapes!

And what exactly do I mean by grapes?  Not the actual fruit, silly! No!  The Greek word fruit from this verse is translated to;   fruit, deed, action, result, profit, gain.
What Jesus was saying when He talked about the fruit we produced was our lives would change!  WE would change! Our actions would change, our deeds would change!  And from them would be profit and gain!

So when I say we don't need acceptance I really mean we shouldn't be seeking for acceptance.  That should not be our goal.  Our goal should always be a true relationship with the GARDENER.  He knows what it will take for our branches to produce the best, juiciest grapes ever!

What do I take from this?  I can't keep seeking out how someone feels about how I feel.  I can't keep relying on everyone else to feel good about myself.  The only thing that has done is made me WAY more self-conscious and has messed with my confidence.

So these books are going to help me move toward becoming a branch producing BETTER fruit, not just MORE.   So God wants me to have BETTER  ACTIONS, DEEDS AND RESULTS from the things He is already working on in my life.  There's no need to add anything right now, I just need to focus on the fruit that's already in my life!

It's not a popularity contest, Part 2

"I was born this way, this is who I am.  Accept it."

That's kind of the mantra of the people nowadays.  And on one side there's those extreme Christians who say you're going to hell if you give in to that kind of thinking, and on the other side there's those people who fight to allow people their freedom to be whoever they want to be.

Forcing acceptance on both sides, but neither get it, do they?  Those two sides are still fighting about who's right and who's wrong.  And it's all just arguments about lifestyle choices.  And not just by extreme Christians.  There are many people from many backgrounds fighting to tell others what's right and what's wrong.

Sometimes I think back to my school yearbook.  There was that coveted section with all the ways certain people stood out.

Most popular.. .Best dressed... Cutest couple... Most likely to be a millionaire... Class Clown...

I never made any of these lists.  I sort of stayed invisible.  Below the radar.  And sometimes I have a mental movie of all the changes I could have made to make things better for myself, if it were possible to go back.  I'd be the one everyone wanted to be friends with!  Best dressed?? No contest!  I definitely wouldn't be the chubby tomboy who wore her fathers jeans and never showered.  Ugh.. I cringe when I think about those days.    Nowadays if you wanted to act that way the motto is acceptance.  Accept me for who I am because I was born this way.

Um, ew, NO.  I highly doubt I was born to be like I was.  No.  Society shaped me because no one else was.  I had no idea who I was!  All I knew was what was around me.  But not fitting in any molds was extremely unsettling.  I tried to be many things and failed.  And when I failed at everything I tried to be I was finding myself depressed by this need of mine. Needing for others to like me was proving to be a pain because I just didn't fit the standards others were setting.

Have you ever found yourself caught between worlds?  What I mean is, not fitting in with any of the crowds out there?  Ahhh.. the outcasts.  Those no one else accepts.  The ones they look down on for not fitting in.

I was that person who did their best to fit in, but found myself not agreeing with the people that surrounded me.  I was so desperate to not be an outcast that I just couldn't speak out about my internal struggle.  I conformed.  I made myself walk like a sheep and talk like a sheep.  That's how I survived.

But now?  Somethings going on.  Those conforming tendencies are starting to feel shaken.

I don't think like most people.  And I still have a hard time fitting in.  I have deep convictions of how life should be lived, and constantly find myself up against people who just don't think the same.

I started reading the book, "Secrets of the Vine" because I was looking to grow my ministry.   I have the desire to be more effective, and that's why I teamed that book up with "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People".  What I didn't expect was that these books were hitting deeper parts of my heart than just my desire to grow a ministry and my desire to be more effective.  They were hitting roots of things that I just didn't want to deal with.  Habits that I let creep back in, and gave excuses for?  Those were thrown into the spotlight.  Mindsets that were debilitating and constantly had me doubting myself? Those were also thrown into the spotlight.

The reason I started reading the books is no longer the reason I keep reading the books.  I headed into this thinking I could learn how to change people, but instead I'm being taught how to change myself.

It's not a popularity contest. Part 1

I've been doing a study these last few months on John ch. 15.. there's a book by the same author who wrote The Prayer of Jabez, Bruce Wilkinson.  This book is called, "Secrets of the vine" and it's part of his "Breakthrough Series"

Along with this book I've been reading "The 7 habits of highly effective people." by Stephen R. Covey.

These two books have really attacked a deep part of myself that I've been holding on to for years..

my need for acceptance.  

I get that this a fairly sensitive area for a lot of people.  And you could argue that this need is an important need to fulfill, but I'm going to throw something out there that is contrary to this belief.

Let me start years ago in middle school.  I was constantly down on myself because I just didn't seem to fit in anywhere.  I wasn't cool enough for the cool kids, I wasn't rich enough for the rich kids, I wasn't jock enough for the jocks, I wasn't girly enough for the girly girls and I had a habit of being loud and opinionated and goofy.  I had this natural desire to be a leader, I didn't like following others and people could see through my act when I did.  I was the kind of kid that liked to make my own tracks in the snow.  Any time I would try to conform to the people around me I was reminded that I was just not like most people.  Whether it was another person reminding me or my own internal desire to remove myself from whatever I was involved in there was always something separating me from the crowd.

I remember how little I cared about this when I was very young.  I was content in my own little world, I didn't need company.  But slowly I started feeling this tug to interact with people.  

I imagine I'd do quite well as a hermit.  I could get along living in a house in the middle of nowhere.  I'd have a horse to get around.. so I wouldn't need to depend on gas.  I'd make my own candles for light, chop my own wood for heat, tend my own garden for vegetables, raise my own animals for meat... I would live in my happy bubble all by myself.

The only problem with that? Just like the saying goes.. .No man (or in my case woman) is an island.  I realized that I wanted friends to share my hilarious jokes with.  I wanted friends to hang out with me, and I had to admit, it was awful handy to have another around to help me with chores or to carry heavy items.

Ok.  So I started to befriend people.  And little by little I realized how dependant I became on those friends. If they didn't like my clothes I'd change them.  If they didn't like how I acted, I'd change that too.  I morphed from grunge to Britney Spears wannabe (in my time Britney Spears was a much different person) in just a few months  Me being the kind of person I am I hated having to do this.  I was simple and easy-going.  I didn't need any fancy stuff to have fun, I would rather live in jeans and a t-shirt.  But my friends were not like this.  So slowly they'd stop being my friends.  I remember in 5th grade when I realized I wasn't cool.  My best friend stopped talking to me and I couldn't figure out why.  She didn't sit with me anymore and wouldn't even say hello to me.  The day I realized I wasn't popular was an awful blow to my self-esteem.  I wondered what was wrong with me.  Turns out I just didn't fit in with the in crowd.  I wasn't accepted in their group.

So began my internal struggle with myself.  

A Poem from my past...

When you first took a breath, I first carried you. That's how I brought you through.
I held you and placed your feet firmly on the ground, I left you to learn to walk, and soon you knew and began to grow.
I held your hand to guide you,
because you did not know where to go.
With wide curious eyes you watched the world.
Your curiosity brought us new places, and I loved to watch you learn.
As a toddler you knew of Me, and felt safety.
My reality was never a question.  And as your personality came out I could see just why it was so easy to love you.
Although you were rough at times, I saw the part of you no one else could see.  The part you soon began to hide as you became older.
With your toddler years behind you life started to become more difficult.
Lessons learned seemed too much for you at times.  And you were often frustrated with yourself.
Years passed, and time seemed to harden you.
You became protective of a broken lonely heart, and although My love for you never changed, you did.
I remained over you, watching, but stopped being a part of you.
My realness seemed to become somewhat of a dream you had awoken from.
You let go of Me and lost Me in the process (or so you thought).
And when you reached out a hand to find mine I was not there.  There was a barrier between us.
I watched as your world changed, My name was no longer on your lips or in your heart.
This brought Me great sorrow, those few years that tried you the most had me in pain waiting for your return.
How I missed being by your side.
It broke my heart when your only recognition of me was to blame me for your pain.
I tried to tell you I was here to heal your pain.  But you did not hear me.
Every cry of desperation broke My heart even more.  I wanted you to know I heard every word.
You were always on My mind.  My thoughts were of your safe return.  Back in My arms where you belong.
But I knew you were too stubborn, you would pull through by your own strength.
Each decision on your own seemed to pull you down further.  You had lost your Compass, and so lost the Way.
Your spirit began to cry out.  I could feel such pain, but could do nothing until you came back to Me.
Life had hardened your heart though.
I knew I had to step in.
That's when you cried out to Me.
At that very moment I heard your cries, and sent the strongest angels who fought off what seemed to hold you down.
And although you could not see it, I was there in those nights.  Your struggles and sorrows became My enemy.  And I set the path again for you to find your way back to me.
Your story is not finished, there's still more to tell.  And I'm still here.  Waiting for you, with open arms.  Telling you to come home.

It makes a difference.

 

Today as I stood in church I had something on my heart that I wanted prayer for.  Sure I could have prayed at home, and I could ask others to pray for me, but I specifically wanted to go to the altar for this prayer.

As I waited for prayer time I had this feeling that it just was too weird to do this.. or maybe that it wasn’t a good enough reason to go to the altar.. or maybe it didn’t even MATTER if I went to the altar..  and then I got all self-conscious, and was like.. if I do go to get prayer people are going to talk about me.  They’re going to think that my life is falling apart and that there was something wrong!

All I wanted was to go to the altar and have my pastor’s pray with me about something I’ve been asking God for.  I’ve been praying a lot lately, and I’ve discovered that it makes a difference what you pray, when you pray, and where you pray!  The bible says when you pray to not babble on (Matt 6:7)… I take that as Jesus saying make sure you aren’t just praying to pray… have something of substance to pray about!  He even gives an example and explanation (Matt 6:8-15).

So I’ve been sharpening my heart.  I’ve been working on seeking God’s will and God’s promises for my life. I’ve been praying more, and reminding God of His word.  (Not for His sake, but for mine).  In the long-run it has been building my faith.  I feel a stronger attachment to God lately.  I feel like He is more responsible for me too.  I am starting to see myself as His child, and when I pray for things lately they aren’t tedious requests, they are from a heart that desire’s the good things He promised! 

This has been helping me tremendously.  Instead of crying over unanswered prayers I’m standing strong and reminding God of His promise’s for my life!  Instead of worrying about the future, I’m placing my cares and worries in His hands and asking what He’s going to do about it?

And today, against my own reluctance, I went to the altar because it makes a difference.  I pray all the time, but for some reason when I pray at the altar I feel a difference.

God created the altar as a place to worship Him.  Worship can be many forms.. it can be sacrifice or prayer.  It can be offering time or money.  But the altar itself is a Holy place, and it’s a place to approach God.  In the Old Testament it made its first appearance in Genesis. The two sons of Adam, Cain and Abel, both presented God with offerings.  Cain offered vegetables from the garden he cultivated and Abel offered fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock (Gen 4:3-4), Abel’s offering became what God said was acceptable.

Later in the Old Testament the altar was an Ark.. the Ark of the Covenant to be exact and was put together by Moses after God gave him the two tablets with the 10 commandments on them.  The Ark held the tablets and Manna from their journey away from Egypt to the “Promised Land”.  This Ark was where God’s presence dwelled, and was used by Moses to speak to God.   The Ark, itself, was NOT God.  It was only a tool used by God to speak to His people.  God didn’t want the people to look to objects when trying to reach Him, because those objects would be considered “idols”. 

God made it clear in the Old Testament of His desire for relationship with HIs people.  And in the New Testament He expanded “His people” to include all who wanted a relationship with Him.  All who called Him Lord were considered “His people” not just the Israelites.  And after Jesus died and rose from the grave it made it possible to have a relationship with Him without all the messy rituals.  Instead of sacrificing on the altar at the Temple people accepted Jesus’ offer for their own, believing His death to be the one that would remove the need to ever have to sacrifice again.

Jesus’ claim was a bold one.  But only The Christ could claim it.  Only the Son of God could truly be the sacrifice needed to atone for all sins.  Only the Power of the One who was All-Powerful could be strong enough.

So now when I look back at my faith and belief it helps to remember just how powerful that altar really is.  Believing Christ died for me means that Christ now lives in me.  When I approach the altar its not simply me going to the front of the church, it’s a cleansed Child of God approaching their Father… yes I can do this anywhere, but altar’s make a difference because it signifies my desire to approach a Holy God in reverence to Who He is.  He is God.  Simple, yet infinitely beyond explanation.  Two words are used when He describes Himself… I AM.  He is the GREAT I AM. Meaning He exists, and has always existed. 

So going to the altar today was not me trying to get a prayer answered (although ultimately that’s what I hope will happen).. no it was me approaching my Father wanting Him to know that I look to Him for help, and that I trust Him enough to ask for it.

Let God decide

Up until a few months ago I was pretty sure where God was pointing me.  Then I went on a mission trip to Africa and I feel like I've been flipped over and I'm standing on my head... Ok, that's being a bit dramatic... but seriously, I thought I knew what would come from me.. I thought I knew my capabilities, my strengths, and my weaknesses.. but most of all I thought I knew my audience.

What do I mean by that?? Why, I'm glad you asked!  Almost two years ago I wrote a book.  I got it published and everything.  I was excited.  But I was determined to help young women from a background similar to mine.  I wanted to teach them how to have a stronger relationship with God.

There were a few who desired just that, but eventually the cost seemed too much and those who wanted what it gave couldn't give what it was asking of them.  I don't blame them.. this is a hard life.  And it's a daily decision.

But back to my audience.  I thought my target audience would be young American women.  I wrote the book with them in mind.  And I never even considered that anyone else would even care about my book.  I am a nobody, after all.  After going to Africa and seeing the hunger in those places for God I started wondering what my book could do for them.  I did tell people about it, but it was really not a big topic with our focus more on the Orphanage and it's needs than on me.  It was okay.  I didn't want to take any attention from where it needed to be.

But then we went back to Kenya.  OH, my dear Kenya. Where to even begin??  On our way down to Tanzania our flight took us into Nairobi, Kenya.  My first impression of Nairobi was a scary one.  To say I had a culture shock was putting it lightly.  Our flight touched down after dark, so when we arrived and got through customs we found ourselves getting into Maurice's van by streetlights.  Maurice is the head of Manna Ministries, and was our contact there in Nairobi.  The airport parking lot was a small place, but it was packed, even at that time of night.  As we drove through the streets of Nairobi the dark was really not helping my fear.  The whole drive to our hotel I saw images that are burned into my brain.. trash littered the road and sidewalks.. there were all kinds of things on the side of the road other than trash too; mattresses, couches.. I couldn't believe my eyes.  The people walked everywhere there, so there were crowds of people in the city, then as we got to the inner parts we saw only a few stragglers.  We finally got to the hotel which was a Christian Hostel and it was neighbors to a Mosque that looked like Aladdin's Palace! But the fact that it was Muslim scared me.. they hate us was all I could hear in my head.  We finally got our keys and got into our room and I sat on the bed, the first bed I'd seen in over 14 hours.. and I just couldn't take it.  I cried.  It was horrifying and the fear I felt was real. When we went downstairs to get something to eat we noticed a window in front of our room with a bullet hole in it.. and that just added to my already growing list of reasons to be afraid of Kenya.
We finally left there the next day and went on our way to Tanzania, our initial Mission destination.  And I can't tell you the dread I felt knowing we had to come back for a few days.  There was a small knot that wouldn't go away the whole time we were in Tanzania.  Then the day we were leaving finally came and we found ourselves back in Kenya, only this time something had changed.  It was light out when we got there, so there were no shadows hiding scary things.  And once you've been to Tanzania and walked the streets of Mwanza you really don't have anything to fear.  I had spent a lot of time with the people of Africa and come to really appreciate them.  I loved these people!  And they were so proud to be African, it was a beautiful thing, and they are a beautiful people.  So I was a bit more open and less freaked out about the culture around me.
It helped that the sun was out.  It was a beautiful day and as our contact drove us to his home I watched the streets go by and wondered what it was that I was so afraid of?  This place had a feeling to it.. it was like a buzzing beehive.  Everyone had somewhere to be and they were going to it.  There were open fields with the trees of Africa that I loved so much.. and people walking everywhere!
That night we spent getting to know our hosts.  And it was revealed that I had written a book.  We spoke about it, and I really liked how interested they seemed.. but deep down I had this sinking feeling that my book would never be good enough for Kenya.
We went to the slums of Nairobi the next day.  We all met in the leaders office and asked me about getting a copy of my book.  The feeling came back.. how could this book possibly do him any good?? I knew the content.  I knew the writing style.. but I agreed.
As we walked through the slums I was overwhelmed by this strange feeling.. a scripture kept coming to me..

"Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I just couldn't understand it, but I felt like God was everywhere I walked when I was there. God is in Nairobi, I had no doubt.  And His power was there too.  This place, with it's obvious weaknesses, was the perfect setting for God's glory.  And that feeling never left me.  It didn't matter how dirty it was.  I just felt God, and there was so much good stuff to prove His presence too!
When I got home I was supposed to order a book and send it to the leader of Manna Ministries.  But I put it off.  Then finally I spoke to Maurice and told him of my worries for the book.  You know what he said?

"It's ok, just pray and let God."

What I take from that?  I need to stop thinking I know exactly what's going on.  I decided when I wrote the book who I was writing it for, but maybe God had decided something else.  And because this opportunity to have someone in Kenya read the book was outside of my idea of who it was for, I just didn't see it doing them any good.

Well.  I'm waiting on two copies as we speak.  I will be shipping them to Kenya, and I'm going to let God decide just who this book is for.  Especially since I wrote it for Him.

Seriously. It’s UNENDING. Part 3

 

eternal: adjective; without pause; endless

Synonyms:
abiding, ageless, always, amaranthine, boundless, ceaseless, constant, continual,continued, continuous, dateless, deathless, enduring, everlasting, forever, illimitable,immemorial, immortal, immutable, imperishable, incessant, indefinite, indestructible,infinite, interminable, lasting, never-ending, perdurable, perennial, permanent, perpetual,persistent, relentless, termless, timeless, unbroken, unceasing, undying, unending,unfading, uninterrupted, unremitting, without end

Antonyms:
brief, changeable, changing, ending, ephemeral, stopping, temporary, terminable,transient

I’m starting to think this whole lesson was more for me than it was for anyone else.  You see I’m struggling very deeply with some major questions.  Questions of whether Jesus was really who He said He was.  This man no doubt changed lives.  He impacted more than just Israel, even writings in other religions speak of Him.  But they don’t see Him as the Son of God.  They don’t see Him as the living Word.  They don’t doubt His existence, but they do doubt His divinity.  He was just another man to them.  A powerful prophet.. but merely human. 

His claims were pretty bold.  So why should I believe them?  I’ve spent a good portion of my life just believing without thinking about it.  But over the last year that hasn’t settled well with me.  To say I had a crisis of faith was putting it lightly.  I went to Africa and was face to face with something I didn’t expect… my faith.  And I discovered it wasn’t as strong as I thought.  And that scared the you know what out of me.  I felt like such a fraud, but I continued on.  I worked on scripture verses to study, but I was at my lowest point and I had no idea how anything I did could be of use. 

You know what happened?  I was given what to say whenever I was supposed to speak.  And every time I spoke it lined up with everything the other speakers were saying.  It’s funny, I thought in that moment feeling so low and weak I would be useless, but God took that moment to use me more than I ever expected.  And maybe I was being optimistic, but I guess I figured after that I would never have issues or struggles with my faith.  I guess I assumed those moments of being used would be like my glue to my faith.  I was caught off guard when I continuously was wavering in my faith throughout the rest of the trip and the following weeks after my return.  What was wrong with me?? I thought this trip was going to seal my position as a strong Christian, yet I still found myself struggling?? Still had to constantly figure out who Jesus was?  Still had to seek proof that He was real???

What a bi-polar faith I was struggling with.  And still struggle with, cause it’s not over.  I still find myself questioning Him.  But I think Jesus knew my awesome issues before I did.

After all the miracles and teachings you’d think this trip to the world was a slam-dunk for Jesus.  But no such luck… “But despite all the miraculous signs Jesus had done, most of the people still did not believe in Him.” John 12:37nlt

So obviously I am not the only one to ever have struggled with this. 

We last left off when Jesus had left His public ministry (John 11:54).  Jesus then spends time before the Passover celebration specifically teaching His disciples.  They were all gathered for supper in Jerusalem.  Jesus washes the feet of His disciples (ch. 13:3-4), to show His disciples about how important it is to follow His example and to take care of each other.  They share the infamous “Last Supper” (ch 13). Judas takes off to go get the men that will arrest Jesus, and Jesus gives important instructions to the remaining disciples.

These 3 blogs all were to lead up to this one lesson.  The lesson of life.  Jesus knew what the disciples were facing, because He faced it too.  He took this last night with them before His crucifixion to help them understand Him, His purpose, their purpose, and give them encouragement for the coming days. 

He spoke of the way to the Father (ch 14:6), He promised the Holy Spirit (ch 14:16), He spoke of being the True Vine (ch. 15), He told them they didn’t belong to the world (ch 15:19), He taught about the Holy Spirit (ch 16:7), and He speaks them about the coming days (ch 16:16).

And nestled at the very end of Chapter 16 is a scripture that has inspired these last few lessons.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me.  Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.  But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33nlt

The words that follow are His prayers. Prayers for Himself, His Disciples and for future Believers.

But oh! That last scripture of chapter 16.  It has hit me so hard lately.  He spent all this time with His creation, teaching them, healing them, and finally He was about to redeem them.  What a remarkable Savior we have.  God, coming down and taking what was rightfully our punishment, simply because of one reason: His love for us.  Jesus coming was not simple.  And all that He spoke of still stands today.  And when I read that scripture I honestly think Jesus knew that all He had done and would do would one day come into question for everyone.  I don’t care how strong of a Christian you claim to be, everyone comes to the point where they wonder.. is this for real?

Every time something bad happens, every sad life event.. disease, cancer, and death… I’ve heard some horror life stories.  People coming from a life of drug addiction, or alcohol addiction.. people coming from families who have abused them in multiple ways.  People who spend their whole life with good things, yet still feel something isn’t quite right. 

What we face is not easy.  It’s hard.  Life is horrible sometimes.  And sometimes no matter how hard we try we never are able to change that fact.

But Jesus?  Jesus overcame all that.  His last days on earth were spent doing something that has rocked the very core of everything we know.  There are those who choose to disregard it.. to not think about it, and to flat out deny it.  How could it even be possible??  It just doesn’t seem logical.

And the problem with believing the resurrection??  Well, then that means EVERYTHING ELSE IS REAL TOO.

The Bible stops being some fairy-tale or legend book and becomes alive.  And that’s scary.  Then once you start thinking about the possibility of it being real suddenly the world takes on a new meaning, and you become the enemy of the one who is in power.  And then you realize, OH DEAR GOD, the devil is REAL????

I know.  It makes you seem nuts.  Trust me, I’ve been there.  I’m there every day. And this happy little bubble that I used to live in is suddenly gone.  All my fantasy characters have faded, all my stories and dreams seem lifeless and pointless.

And it has left me with one thing in my heart and mind… What do I do about this?  I try to shut it out.  I try to watch meaningless movies and tv shows to keep my mind occupied, but working as a hospice aide it forces me back to those thoughts.. is this all there is to life?

I don’t doubt God’s existence.  And getting to know Jesus has definitely impacted how I live now.  Some think there’s something wrong with me, but there isn’t.  I’m better than I’ve ever been.  I work hard, I love my job, I have goals of teaching and visiting other countries and telling the stories of all those I meet. 

I was just watching The Lord of the Rings and there is a part where Frodo is speaking to Gandalf.. his very words gave me goosebumps, but oddly I can identify with them…

Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

When I heard this part of the movie I felt like I was Frodo and Gandalf was Jesus.. and instead of the words in the movie this was inside my head…

Me: I wish this knowledge had never come to me.  I wish none of this had happened.

Jesus: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide.  All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

I know what I need to do with my time, its just that doing it has presented itself as more difficult than I expected.  It seems like my lessons never end, because the lessons I’m learning are never-ending.  And the trials and sorrows don’t end either.  What I’ve learned from all this is that I will always struggle.  There will always be something I will need to conquer or face.. always a lesson to be learned, or something to overcome.. but I don’t need to be afraid, no, because the one I believe in?  This Jesus? Well He has overcome this world that brings me down, and He will help me overcome it too. 

And if you want that for yourself, well don’t wait!  Tell Jesus you want His help in overcoming the world, because you’re tired of doing it alone.  And why not ask the Creator?  There’s no one better to ask!

It NEVER ends. Part 2

When we left off we had just been introduced to John the Baptist.  We were in Bethany, and the Leader's of the Law were more than a little curious about what was going on. So they sent some guys to find out (ch 1:19-28).  The next day Jesus had shown up, and John wasn’t quiet about it.  He was telling anyone who’d listen just who Jesus was (ch 1:29-34). 
John had just baptized Him in the Jordan the day before, and had witnessed one unbelievable site.. God had told John he would baptize the Messiah, that he would “See the Spirit descend upon Him.”  I’m not sure of what that would look like, but it definitely impacted John, and he needed nothing else to begin sharing with the world that Jesus was the Messiah. 
From that moment on, in the Gospel of John, you see the ripple-effect that Jesus was having on the world.  He performs miracles and healings.  He goes from one village to another changing lives, reviving the dying souls and restoring that which was stolen from many people… hope, faith, and love.
Jesus’ ministry took Him all over Israel.  In Galilee Jesus turned water to wine(ch 2:7-8).  In Jerusalem He taught a religious leader about being “born again” (ch 3:3) In Samaria He met a woman at a well and spoke into her life like no one else ever had, revealing to her that He was the Messiah (ch 4:9-26). He preached all over Galilee and Samaria, speaking to all who wanted to hear(ch 4).  He healed a crippled man by simply telling him to get up and walk (ch. 5:8).  He fed thousands by simply passing out the food (ch 6:11).  He walked across the water, and calmed the stormy sea of Galilee (ch 6:19-21).
With all these amazing things He was doing you’d think it wouldn’t take much convincing, but He came up against plenty of unbelief.  People just couldn’t grasp what He was claiming about Himself(ch 6:22-66)  But it wasn’t just His followers who had a hard time with their belief.  Jesus constantly faced conflict with the religious leaders.  He would openly teach at the Temple, which would really get under the skin of those who felt it was undermining their power and authority.  This man was making them look like fools!  And not only that, He was saying they were not obeying the law they were teaching.  It didn’t sit right with them.
Things started getting a bit hairy for Jesus.  Attempts on His life, and attempts to arrest Him became a normal occurrence.  Yet still He carried on with His mission.  It never fazed Him, never worried Him, and never slowed Him down.  He became more bold about speaking to the crowds, telling of His position as the Son of God, and the Light of the world (ch 8:12-19).  He warns the people of a coming Judgement, and speaks of His death on the cross (ch 8:21-30) and I imagine hearing Him say some of these things were a little rough to hear, but His words were believed by many people. 
Yet He was STILL constantly having to explain Who He was.  Constantly up against people who wanted Him to admit defeat. But even when they’d stoop to low ways of trying to get Jesus to fumble and make a mistake, it never happened.  His ministry was solid.  After raising Lazarus from the dead (ch 11:41-44) things went from hairy to downright dangerous.  The religious leaders had had enough, and they wanted this Jesus gone, so they began to plot His death (ch 11:53).
You’d think by now these people would just leave Him alone.  But He was a threat to what they thought was right, and if they were wrong and He was right, well then that would just wreck their comfortable lives.  Jesus then stops His public ministry, leaving Jerusalem, and focused His teaching on His disciples (ch 11:54).
To be continued… cause it never stops ;)

It never ends.

I know I can't be the first one to realize this.. but I just wanted to let the world know that once you figure out one problem and overcome one trial it's not over.

As long as you're breathing you will always have something to overcome. You will always have something to fight.  There will be problem after problem, temptation after temptation, and failure after failure.

Awww. Am I bumming you out?? I'm sorry.  Here's a little hope for ya  ;)

You'll find it in the gospel of John. Ahh, my favorite gospel.  Let me paint you a picture..

It was about A.D.85-90.. wait, first I want to gift you with some knowledge I have just learned myself.. ever wonder what the A.D. or B.C. found with years was all about?? Here's what I found...

Anno Domini (AD or A.D.) and Before Christ (BC or B.C.) are designations used to label or number years used with the Julian and Gregorian calendars. The term Anno Domini is Medieval Latin, translated as In the year of the Lord,[1] and as in the year of Our Lord.[2][3]:782 It is sometimes specified more fully as Anno Domini Nostri Iesu (Jesu) Christi ("In the Year of Our Lord Jesus Christ"). This calendar era is based on the traditionally reckoned year of the conception or birth of Jesus of Nazareth, with AD counting years from the start of this epoch, and BC denoting years before the start of the era. There is no year zero in this scheme, so the year AD 1 immediately follows the year 1 BC. This dating system was devised in 525, but was not widely used until after 800.[4] ~Taken from Wikipedia.com

So it was about 50-60 years after Jesus had been crucified, raised from the dead, and returned to heaven.  The world was in disarray, I can imagine, because it had been rocked by it's Creator coming down in human form and spending His days working to set the foundation for something completely new that would revolutionize it.
People were talking.  Plenty were still alive that had witnessed it first-hand.  What a time to be around.  Think of it as our modern day Mother Teresa... obviously NOT the same, but there are still people alive who remember her, who witnessed the things she did, and still speak of the impact she made on people.
Now let's apply this to Jesus.  A man born into a world waiting for the Messiah.  The Jews had been watching and waiting for years, they knew it was only a matter of time.. and suddenly here is this other man, John the Baptist, going around telling everyone that the thing they were waiting for has happened...

How would you react if that were you?  Imagine something you were waiting for... something you were told was going to happen, you just had to watch and wait.  A dream job opening up maybe?  Or a house to buy?  Or a chance meeting with someone you really wanted to meet?  Now imagine some guy is telling you it's about to happen.  Pretty exciting to think about, am I right?  And if you were any normal, intelligent person you'd want to check this guy's sanity or at least his background.  You'd want to know if this guy is legitimate.  It's only natural.

So with this guy going around saying the Messiah was alive and walking around within the country the Leaders of the Law wanted to get to the bottom of it. (John 1:19-28nlt).  They sent some of the priests and Temple assistants to go ask, but really didn't get much of an answer.

This took place in Bethany, (a city outside of Bethlehem, the birthplace of Jesus.) Bethany was east of the Jordan River where John was baptizing. ~John 1:28nlt Parenthesis mine

Rome was still in power.  And Israel was the place to watch.

I don't want to over-load you, so we're gonna break this down into parts.. to be continued...

Poopcorn People

What exactly is poopcorn? Well, if you’ve ever eaten corn you know what it looks like on its way out.  Yes, that is a disgusting picture.  But the point of it is that there are pieces of corn mixed in with excrement and fecal matter. 
So, knowing there is pieces of corn, would you clean out those pieces and eat them?  It’s still corn, so what’s the big deal? 
The big deal is that this is a gross thought.  Are you that desperate for food that you would consume pieces from that gross of a place?
I can see you are grossed out.  I was too.  At first.  And then I thought about it more.
I’ve heard it said that we should strive to be perfect.  We should try our hardest to be like Jesus.  We should empty our lives of the people and the things that are not good for us, even if it has the smallest amount of bad in it, we should still remove it from our lives. 
And I was thinking.. what would it look like to remove the “poopcorn” things from our lives? Well, we’d have to be more choosy about everything. No more songs, because what if those songs have pieces of bad in them? Ok, I see the point.. but then we’d have to apply that not just to “secular” music.. what if the Christian behind the song and lyrics has been stumbling? What if they were an addict and they gave in to temptation?? Well, that person has bad in them, so we’ll have to remove that music from our life.. okay, well I have yet to meet a perfect Christian, so I guess that means all Christians probably have something bad they are struggling with. Hmmm..
No more songs, no more games, no more books… And why stop there?? We need to remove the things that could possibly taint our lives!! If you actually did remove all the things, even with the smallest amount of bad in them.. well if we did just that what would happen?  It’s a nice thought.  Allowing only good things in our lives sounds right.  But there’s just one problem… its not possible.  Because this is a poopcorn world.
Now don’t get defensive.  It’s the truth, and even God knows it. This world is full of things that you could consider “poopcorn”.. even you are poopcorn.
Bad -even in tiny amounts-is everywhere and in every person.  We are all capable of bad things.  We’d have to determine whether that football player or baseball player we follow is always on their best behavior. And if you watched the news lately you’d see just how disappointing even the most inspirational athletes can be.  And then what about that restaurant we frequent with the nice owners?  Their food is amazing, and they are kind people.. but then one day you discover that they are hiding a gambling problem.. or they skip church every once in a while. Well.  Then I guess this means we’ll need to stop supporting their business! They are just going to think if they act that way that I’m ok with it if I go there.
NO ONE IS EXEMPT.  We are all imperfect.  We are all poopcorn.  And poopcorn people produce poopcorn things. But just so I’m clear:  calling out someone else’s “poopcorn” does not exempt you. 
How dare I say such a thing??? Well. I’m just saying what the bible already says.
“For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.” Romans 3:23nlt
I am imperfect, you are imperfect.  WE are imperfect.  We all have bad thoughts and bad desires.  We all make bad decisions and have bad, selfish intentions.  We all have bad things that give other people good reason to avoid us.  There is poopcorn in all our lives.  Its unrealistic to think we can weed it all out completely.
I see the purpose.  I see that we need to protect our hearts. 
But my problem with it is that it seems to put God in a box.  It’s almost like we are putting limits on God. 
I ask you to widen your mind for a minute and to look at the people of the bible that God spoke to or used.  Were they perfect?  In the New Testament did Jesus only allow those who had perfect lives?  Nope.  He sought after those who would today be considered “poopcorn people”.  They all had something in their lives that was bad.  Even if it were only a small amount.  And the kicker is that those people still remained “poopcorn people'” even after being healed or changed by Jesus! For example.. Peter.  Peter was changed by Jesus, but still was rebuked by Jesus (Mark 8:33).  I’m willing to bet Peter thought he was justified in his thoughts.  I bet he thought his heart for the situation was right.  But Peter was not considering Who He was speaking of or to. 
Jesus was not just the man in front of him.. He was and is also God, in human form.  And Jesus was speaking of plans that Peter could not have understood because of one fact that he was neglecting to remember…
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:8nlt
We cannot underestimate God.  And we can’t assume to know His ways.  It may take someone from a “secular” situation or song with a “secular” life saying something that reaches someone who needs to hear it and it brings that soul back to God. 
And if you honestly think that God would never use that kind of thing, well then let me introduce you to someone who it reached…. Me.  I am a product of something “secular” leading me back to God.  And on a daily basis God reaches through “secular” things to reach me.  How can this be??
Well, God is not limited.  He is in all things at all times.  God is Omnipresent, Omnipotent, and Omniscient.   That means He is in all things, with all power, at all times.
He can draw us all from all things at all times.  There is nothing that is too far for God to reach into.  There is nothing that is too dark for Him to see in.  There is nothing hidden from Him, and nothing that separates us.
He’s reached into hell.  He goes as far as it takes.  He has no limits to His power and love.
It’s us that has the limits.  We build walls and put up boundaries.  But God?  Do you really think walls, boundaries and limits can stop God?
Nope.  God is going to accomplish what He sets out to accomplish, by any means He desire’s to use.  Just because it makes you uncomfortable doesn’t mean He has no purpose for it. 
I fully believe this for one simple reason… God is unfathomable.  If you ever think you completely understand God and His ways think again.
Yes, the bible gives us insight on His ways, but from what I’ve learned the bible is actually our story, not God’s.  The bible is how we came to be.. it’s God’s word for where we come from and where we are going to help us understand ourselves.  God’s start is not in there because He has no start.  He’s beyond anything we could ever imagine.
I warn you to not become so close-minded to think that God couldn’t use things just because it has pieces of bad in it, because that would mean He can’t use you.