It's not a popularity contest. Part 1

I've been doing a study these last few months on John ch. 15.. there's a book by the same author who wrote The Prayer of Jabez, Bruce Wilkinson.  This book is called, "Secrets of the vine" and it's part of his "Breakthrough Series"

Along with this book I've been reading "The 7 habits of highly effective people." by Stephen R. Covey.

These two books have really attacked a deep part of myself that I've been holding on to for years..

my need for acceptance.  

I get that this a fairly sensitive area for a lot of people.  And you could argue that this need is an important need to fulfill, but I'm going to throw something out there that is contrary to this belief.

Let me start years ago in middle school.  I was constantly down on myself because I just didn't seem to fit in anywhere.  I wasn't cool enough for the cool kids, I wasn't rich enough for the rich kids, I wasn't jock enough for the jocks, I wasn't girly enough for the girly girls and I had a habit of being loud and opinionated and goofy.  I had this natural desire to be a leader, I didn't like following others and people could see through my act when I did.  I was the kind of kid that liked to make my own tracks in the snow.  Any time I would try to conform to the people around me I was reminded that I was just not like most people.  Whether it was another person reminding me or my own internal desire to remove myself from whatever I was involved in there was always something separating me from the crowd.

I remember how little I cared about this when I was very young.  I was content in my own little world, I didn't need company.  But slowly I started feeling this tug to interact with people.  

I imagine I'd do quite well as a hermit.  I could get along living in a house in the middle of nowhere.  I'd have a horse to get around.. so I wouldn't need to depend on gas.  I'd make my own candles for light, chop my own wood for heat, tend my own garden for vegetables, raise my own animals for meat... I would live in my happy bubble all by myself.

The only problem with that? Just like the saying goes.. .No man (or in my case woman) is an island.  I realized that I wanted friends to share my hilarious jokes with.  I wanted friends to hang out with me, and I had to admit, it was awful handy to have another around to help me with chores or to carry heavy items.

Ok.  So I started to befriend people.  And little by little I realized how dependant I became on those friends. If they didn't like my clothes I'd change them.  If they didn't like how I acted, I'd change that too.  I morphed from grunge to Britney Spears wannabe (in my time Britney Spears was a much different person) in just a few months  Me being the kind of person I am I hated having to do this.  I was simple and easy-going.  I didn't need any fancy stuff to have fun, I would rather live in jeans and a t-shirt.  But my friends were not like this.  So slowly they'd stop being my friends.  I remember in 5th grade when I realized I wasn't cool.  My best friend stopped talking to me and I couldn't figure out why.  She didn't sit with me anymore and wouldn't even say hello to me.  The day I realized I wasn't popular was an awful blow to my self-esteem.  I wondered what was wrong with me.  Turns out I just didn't fit in with the in crowd.  I wasn't accepted in their group.

So began my internal struggle with myself.