Clearing out

I've reached a point where everything I thought was mine is not.

I've lost many things that meant a lot.

BUT, it doesn't feel hopeless. Instead I have a feeling that Spring is going to bring a lot of newness into my life.

Yes a lot has changed, but what really matters has not.  And what really matters?

I used to have this feeling like I was barely hanging on by a thread, like all I had was slipping from my grasp, and when I only focused on what I was losing I really fell into a dark place.  Today that dark place is starting to see light.  What matters most is what helped break through the darkness.  And that is God.  With all that I've seen leave my life He has been a constant.

I want to share some hope with those who have been dealing with the same struggles.  If you feel like things are changing, like what you've been holding onto is slipping away don't despair!  Don't lose hope!  Why? Well because the One who holds onto you is much stronger than a thin thread.  His grasp is infinite strength, and when you feel things are losing their grip on you that's not always a bad thing.

Change has a way of working it's way into our life.  Just as the fall comes to prepare for winter, we have seasons in our life that prepare us for the bare season.  I've just come through my own personal bare season.  Things have changed so dramatically I wondered how I was even going to survive... whether I was going to come back from such starkness.

Think of yourself as a tree.  Trees are wonderful things, but here in New England trees only grow to be lush and green because of the changing seasons.  From seeds to small plants, each stage it has a season of bareness, a season where it has no leaves and is left to weather the cold and ice of winter.  But a tree is not made strong from it's leaves, no, it gains it's strength from its roots.  And if it's roots are strong enough they are capable of growing in any climate, and any environment.

My roots are deep in the soil of Christ.  As much as I've had fall from my grasp I still stand firm and planted in His Words and Truth.  NOTHING can take me from it because His Words and Truth are eternal, without an end.  His love is eternal and unconditional, and that is my soil.  As my roots grow stronger each year, it doesn't matter that the winter comes, because I know that Spring always returns.

And let that serve as a reminder that as things are taken out of your life it is only to make room for new things.

"I've got this"

God used a pretty random place to encourage me today.  I wanted to do Yoga because I've been pretty stressed out lately.  (Can't really even begin to explain the strains and pressure that I've been under.  So I won't release the flood of details to drown you in.) So I found myself on Amazon.com looking for instructional DVD's... not before hitting good old Google to see if I can figure it out myself... I can't... so I decided to buy a DVD.  Then tricky little Amazon dangled some bait in front of my eyes about getting free shipping if I ordered only $3.82 more!! So I went hunting for a phone case... nothing really caught my eye, then I remembered a book I read while in Kenya, but couldn't remember the name of it.  Haven't really read a book in a while that I liked, so I decided to go to my trusty favorite Author... Max Lucado.  I put in his name and the first thing that popped up was the book;

"You'll get through this: Hope and help for your turbulent times."

Now maybe it was a coincidence and had nothing to do with anything.  Believe what you want, but at that moment the words coming from my screen made a whole lot of sense and brought me to tears.

Goodness is my heart heavy lately.

I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I'm more sensitive than ever.  Why?  Because I've been shaken.  Life has burnt me, broken me, tormented me... and won't let up.  The minute the dust clears from one attack I barely have time to take cover for another.

I feel like I'm fighting a war.

My biggest battle has been going on for a few months now, and I was doing my best to keep from surrendering to the things that are trying to take me down, but I was barely hanging on.

Or so I thought.

One thing God has been trying to get through to me lately is that His grip on my life is not circumstantial. His hands are not wimpy, and His words are not fleeting.

My life may seem to be in the midst of a storm, but I can't help still trusting Him.  And I believe Him when He says that "He's got this".

And that's what He keeps telling me.

"Dry your tears.  I've got this."

But that makes me cry more.  Because I can't help it.

When I thought of my future I had dreams.  I wanted so much.  But then life happened and I had to put it on hold.  All the expectations that go along with choosing to raise my son had pushed my plans further to the future.

Ok, I said.  I'll wait.  I'll just raise my son.  And then I started planning his future.  I never expected that I'd have to deal with life changing those plans!  But it has.  Alas I'm having to deal with other things.  Instead of buying baseball gloves and shoes for practice or worrying about sport schedules I have other kinds of scheduling struggles.  Struggles that I'm not proud of and that I want to go away.  But they won't.  Ever.

So then God comes back in... "Stop worrying, I have a plan, I've got this"

And I hear God, but I'm still crying, because I can't help it. I've got too much on my mind.

Then I remember other things.  Things like, how many times did I say I'd be patient and wait?  How many times did I say I would be strong and hold to my convictions?  And then the waiting started.  And it's still going on.  Years later.  I'm going to believe, I said.  No matter what.  And the "what"?  Is the waiting.  No matter the "waiting".  Friend after friend getting married, having babies... and I wait.  Because that's not what my life is about right now, and I'm okay with that... sometimes...  but then sometimes I'm not...

And I hear God again... "Keep waiting Jocelynn, it's all part of the plan, I've got this."

So I take a deep breath, but I'm still crying, because I'm tired.  And sad.  And overwhelmed.  I want it to end.  I want the "missiles of life" to stop dropping on me.  I want the waiting to end, and I want the sadness to go away.

What's my lesson today?  Though the heart is heavy, it still beats.  Though the tears are many, there are still reasons to smile.  And though things seem darkest than ever... it's always darkest before the dawn.  The sun will rise. Winter will end, and this season has a purpose for good.

No matter the struggles, strength doesn't come when you give up, it comes when you keep going.  And even if the answer is not what you expected that shouldn't make you stop trying.  There are no cookie-cutter lives.
We all have our bumps and bruises, some are just more visible than others.

And remember what God said.  "I've got this."

An unexpected apology.

The last post I made stirred up some stuff. I'm sure I ruffled some feathers, and I know it struck some nerves. But one thing remains; I was being honest about some hurt that I had been dealing with.

I didn't mean to cause offense.  It wasn't meant to be hurtful to others. But it did.

A few days ago God reminded me of something I needed reminding of.. His mercies are new every morning.

I had a squabble with a co-worker the day before. It wasn't anything horrible, it was just an uncomfortable issue that made me feel disrespected and maybe a little like my presence was worthless. Or maybe that I wasn't good at my job. Which was stupid really, it was the result of stress and anxiety built up over a rough night and I shouldn't have taken it personally, but I did.  I had a bad feeling in my stomach afterward and I just felt so upset by it. I went home not feeling much better. The next morning as I was driving to work I was talking to God about it. I found myself thinking about a poem written on the walls of Mother Theresa's home for children in Calcutta, India.

 People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway. 
  If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.
  If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.
  If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.
  What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.
  If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.
  The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.
  Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway. 

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.   

It was never between you and them anyway.

It's true you know.  And the more I thought about it the more I realized I didn't want what happened to effect the kind of person I am trying to be. I have worked hard to be honest and truthful, but I've also worked hard to be a person of integrity. I knew even if I was the one wronged I needed to apologize for reacting the way that I did. I can't control other people, but I can control myself. So when I got to work I walked I over to where this person was and was following through on my intention to apologize... But something unexpected happened. She apologized to me. I was caught off guard, definitely, because I had already made up in my mind that I may not be well received. 

What hit me most was that this apology did more than fix the issue with this person.. It made me realize that I don't know what's going on with other people and I shouldn't automatically assume everyone is my enemy or that they aren't going to do the right thing.

I was wrong about judging her.  I admit it.  What this does for my other issue is help me see from another perspective.  I've done a lot of reflecting these last few weeks.. months even.. and I'm seeing something in myself that I'm not proud of through all of this.  What is that?  I expect other people to be untrustworthy.  I expect them to fail me, and to not be reliable.

Over the years I've had to face a life of being responsible for everything.  I couldn't rely on others.  Some people call that independence and that it's a good thing.  And I don't completely disagree, but I do think that at some point we all need to realize that we can't go at life believing that we can't rely on others.

It's called "Inter-dependence".  Bleh.  What a mouthful.  Especially for a stubborn, introvert like me.  What does inter-dependence mean?

in·ter·de·pend·ent  [in-ter-di-pen-duhnt]    
(adjective is a describing word.. )  
Mutually dependent; depending on each other. Taken from Dictionary.com

I like how this word is defined.  "Mutually dependent" Meaning it's not one person's actions, it's the actions of everyone involved. Those depending on each other all working together.  Like an ant farm.

I believe that's why that apology was so successful.  I wasn't the only one willing to admit my faults.

In a perfect world this interdependence thing would rule.  We would all recognize the power in numbers.  I recognized it early on in my life, but was always disappointed.  Mostly by the people who wouldn't really be reliable anyway.  But when I found myself in a church full of people that I could rely on the damage had already been done.  I wasn't open to letting them into my life.

So I spent years trying to overcome my issue of not trusting others, and then everything started to change in our church, as time tends to do, and just didn't know it at the time, but it was affecting me in a negative way.  I realized last night another very unattractive quality that had somehow found its way into my heart around that time... I expected these people to fix me.  I felt broken and that this church was going to fix me.

NOW LISTEN CLOSELY.  I am NOT saying this is a bad church. Everyone has their faults, but I am by no means saying that they are not a good place to go.  This is just MY experience with MY faults, and MY issues that added together created this monster inside of ME.  I know for a fact that this place has been a great help to a lot of people.  So DO NOT write the church off by what I say.  You should never ever judge something by someone else's experience without really looking into it for yourself.  OK?? OK.

So anyway, I expected this church and the people to fix me, but what I realized is that it's not up to them to fix me.  It's up to Jesus.  HE is the Healer, not them.  HE is the Savior, NOT THEM.  So I put all this pressure on these people that they didn't know about, but I'm sure they felt it, and when things didn't go as I had wanted (which is just what would happen when you put your faith in people and not God) I was so very confused and broken and hurt.  And I thought they were the ones who had broke me.

That's what that last post pretty much was about.  I was pointing the finger at them.  And now I know just how wrong I was.  I'm sorry that I had put that on them.  In all honesty I hadn't realized at that moment why I was feeling that way.  And now that I understand my pain a bit more I am able to clearly go forward with the healing.

And I can't wait for these feelings to finally be gone.

7 years later...

It's been 7 years since I started my journey of getting to know God, or since I began "Dating God" and I am in a very interesting place.

And what do I have to show for those 7 years?

Nearly everything I had when it started is different or gone. 

Nearly everyone that once surrounded me and encouraged me at that point have moved on and are not a part of my life any longer.

I pass by the mirror sometimes and wonder who it is that I am seeing.

What happened? Has 7 years really done this to me?

I'm not in a ditch, homeless or hungry.. But I feel like I am.

What is it that has brought me to this point 7 years later?  The life that I am leading is not what I expected when I made that fateful choice to date God those 7 years ago.  I was under the impression that a man was waiting for me at the end of the wait, what I found was a deeper relationship with God instead.  And for 7 years it hasn't changed.  One thing after another has come my way, with some of the hardest struggles I've ever had to face (some coming most recently) being my constant companion.

Was it short-sighted of me to think that way? Was I being small-minded?  I didn't see anyone else around me living that way after all.  The others didn't follow suit.  They all got married and had babies.  I can't be angry at them.. that's what's expected in life.  A church built of families that grow together. It's a beautiful thing.

But I wasn't one of them.

Still.  

I wasn't finding a husband, or trying to.  No one could identify with me, and I had no one that made me feel any better about my life lack (or whatever you would call it).  I was disappointed by my peers, those who found more interest in building a family than getting to know God in the way I had. Maybe I was being ignorant. I definitely didn't think I was better than any of them, if anything I was jealous. And I couldn't help becoming angry about it because it made me feel even more alone. I lost it a little. I convinced myself that I had no desire to be like them.  I saw them as sheep, and not the good kind.  No, more the kind that are too afraid to step out of their comfort zone and go talk to the Shepherd.  They felt more comfortable talking to each other. (Now that DOES sound like I thought I was better than them... Doesn't it? Well, don't lose your head about it, I knew I wasn't any better.)

Enter the "poor me" syndrome i suffer from constantly, it seems, and you'd find that I was pretty bitter; and I've realized I even got a little mean... Ok maybe a lot mean. I made fun of them in my head, OK??!?!? Yes, I know I'm a jerk, you don't have to tell me.

Maybe I'm being tested.  Maybe things are like this because God wants to see what I'll do next... not like He wouldn't already know.  But I know one thing for sure... I have no idea what is going on.

As for those "sheep"? I'm sure they are happy.  Things are going very well for them.  And I'm happy about that for them.  But as hard as I've tried, joining them just isn't in the cards for me.

March 5 starts another Lent season.  Ash Wednesday.  And for Lent this year will I be doing anything? Sure, Dating God.  That's all I've ever known to do.  But this year I'm not doing it to find a husband.  This year I'm doing it because I can't imagine a life without God.  Maybe I'm not ever going to get married.  I honestly have no desire to date, so I just don't see how that could change.  No I'm not going to try online dating, and no I don't want to meet someone at a bar or on a blind date.

Doomed to live alone forever.  Forever single...  Atleast I have a cat.

Moldy Basements

Since I've begun the destruction of the bathroom I've seen some nasty stuff.  In the last post I said I was working on a list, to make right what I've done wrong.  The one I'm working on right now is #1: left my parents house to get away from them.

Awful, isn't it?  I didn't move out because I got married.  I didn't move out because I went to college.  I didn't even move out because I was ready for it.  Nope.  I moved out because I just couldn't live there.

There was too much drama and unsettled issues.  I just wanted to leave them behind and not have to deal with them.

But do you know what ended up happening?  I soon realized that my underlying issues with my parents had severely stunted my ability to make new, lasting relationships.  I found myself doing  the same thing over and over again... even recently.  So it makes sense that God would want me back home.  He wants me to fix it.

Next time I leave, it has to be the right way.  But until then I have to change.

Today I was finishing up ripping out the floor.  What I found was boards full of mildew.  They literally crumbled in my hands.  And that's when I realized.. the only way to get rid of mold and mildew is to remove it.. so the only way to get rid of the issues with my parents is the same... get rid of my parents?? No silly, I don't mean remove them! I mean remove the issues!! How exactly?  Well the same way God removed the issues between us... FORGIVENESS.  In case you were wondering, Jesus didn't just die to forgive the sinner.. He died so that the sinner can be forgiven so that he too could forgive!  Need proof?

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32nlt

Ephesians 4:17 begins with a description on how to be "Children of the Light".  Because God is Light we know that this also means "Children of God".  It's a description on how to be a child of God.  And it ends with this scripture of forgiving one another.  God wants us to see that when we live as His children things will be a lot less messy.  But He also gives a warning.. if we decide to not forgive others this is from the mouth of Jesus, Himself:

"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14-15nlt

So to bring in a colorful description... you know all those moldy walls in my bathroom?  That's unforgiveness. If I leave it there it will continue to grow and corrupt perfectly good walls.  But if I forgive?  It is compared to removing all those moldy, crumbling walls.

If I forgive my parents I no longer have things that could ruin our relationship.  We could start as though there was no mold.  Because it will be gone.  Just as Jesus removed my sin and healed our relationship, the issues that were between me and my parents will be gone... and we can have a new relationship.

And heck, I shouldn't stop there!  I should be applying this to any relationship.

But first things first.

Gotta fix the bathroom. ;)


UMM... YUCK.  RIGHT???

Change. To say the least.

Things have changed here.  I'm living with new feelings and have new issues to deal with.

What happens when we face such things like that?  What happens when our world turns upside down and those you thought you could trust become the very ones you have to protect yourself from?

Do we close ourselves off? Do we shut down and push people away?  I've got things like that I've been thinking about.  And I'm sure those who think they are helping with their opinion don't realize the mess they are actually making is worse than if they had just let me deal with these new issues on my own.

I'm just realizing how the things I thought would happen are not going to.  I thought I'd still be at the same church, I thought I'd be neck deep in a ministry.  I thought I'd have another book in the midst.  Instead, everything has changed.  I've had to leave my church home of 14 years and move out of the area my son has grown up in, back to my old stomping grounds.  I cringe thinking about where I am, but what I've realized with this change brings a newness.  I can actually start over.  Maybe right now I'm going to have to stay put, but there's this desire in me to chase a dream I've wanted to live out since I was a teenager...

So when things turn upside down I suggest to look closely, because you will be seeing things from a new point of view.  Things that you thought worked for you, you'll see they were more for comfort than necessity.  I don't suggest staying somewhere just because you don't want to move on.  Because God has plain as day removed me from the things I knew were only in my life for comfort.  Why?  Is God cruel?  No.  It's the same idea as not letting a 14 year old hold on to a safety blanket from when he was a baby, this child needs to learn how to become an adult.  They need to learn to stand up and be who they were meant to be.  And sometimes if the "bird" insists on staying in a nest instead of flying the "momma bird" will take it on herself to push that baby out of the nest.

Today I feel like I've been pushed out of the nest.  And now I have no choice but to fly.  So with a new year already in motion.. and an open opportunity to do whatever I want to do I'm going to start from scratch.  I'm going to do the things I've put off and change the things I should have in the past.

It's not a bucket list.. no it's more like the list from "My name is Earl".  He wrote a list of the things he needed to make up for, to make the wrongs he did right.  Maybe I wasn't a horrible person, but I have a list of things I wished I could have made right.  And first on my list?  My parents.  I live in their basement apartment and it's in need of attention, majorly.  At the moment the bathroom has my attention.  Last night I tore up the floor (that had ginormous holes in it) and today my plan is to fix that.

Wish me luck people... this year has lots of things to make up for, and they aren't going to be easy!

Before...

Unconditional

I know it's been awhile since I've written.

Things are pretty bad here in the heart and home of Jossyb.  But I shall spare you the drama.  Because there are more important things at hand!  Like unconditional words.

What does unconditional mean?

Well first of all it's an adjective.  "In grammar, an adjective is a 'describing' word; the main syntactic role of which is to qualify a noun or noun phrase, giving more information about the object signified." ~Taken from the always informative Wikipedia!

Second its meaning is pretty simple;
                                   without conditions or limitations
So there it is.

But I'm thinking about unconditional LOVE.  So now we see another simple meaning;
          affection with no limits or conditions; complete love

You know, that's one difficult word, unconditional.  You could pare it up with lots of words and it changes the meaning to something much more than it was before.

Unconditional Faith.
Unconditional Trust.
Unconditional Truth.
Unconditional Help.

See?  Those words just got very different, simply with the word unconditional in front of them.  I just love what that word does to those other words.

Funny story, I've experienced a lot over the last few months that have strengthened my desire for those things.  Never thought I'd ever have to deal with the things I'm dealing with today.  Never imagined my life to be like this.  But one thing remains; life's trials do not have to break me, or my belief.

If anything I cling to them stronger than ever.  Unconditional love?  I do understand it a bit more now.  I've had to practice it.  I've had to love someone without conditions.  Has it been difficult? You bet your sweet butt it has been.  Knowing the things I do about some of the people in my life I've had to adjust my way of thinking.  One thing I've always practiced is that people are separate from their actions.  I live this way because we can change our actions.  We can choose how we act.  I also live according to the belief that we all have free will.  We have the freedom to act as we choose.

This can be a problem in a few ways.  The biggest is that our choice on how to act may not be how someone else would act and that someone else might become very difficult because of it.  But the beauty of free will is that we also have the freedom to live how we desire, in spite of those people.

Oh dear.  I think I've just started another three part-er... You know, I never mean for these things to happen because I go into these things with the intention of just a simple conversation... yet as soon as I begin to type I suddenly realize the things I'm talking about are not as simple as I expect.

My intention with this topic was simple, talk about the word unconditional.  But it's become quite clear that although the topic has a simple definition, it does NOT have a simple explanation.

I want it to be understood through my perspective, the way I see it.. and you can take it however you want.

I've come to realize having no conditions tends to remove the boundaries that surround the things we have boundaries around.  If you have conditions on why you love someone, such as you would only love someone as long as they do not hurt you or make you feel badly, then that is pretty acceptable in most peoples eyes.

But once you cross over into the unconditional love territory you've opened up something that not everyone can get behind.

Unconditional love sounds lovely at first.  It sounds romantic even... but the reality of it is more than we even can grasp.  When you love someone without conditions that means NO MATTER WHAT.  Someone could beat the crap out of you, steal from you, lie to you, ruin you.. but that won't stop the unconditional part.

Once you think of it that way it stops being so romantic, doesn't it?

What about unconditional faith? Or trust?  Trusting or having faith in someone without conditions.  Meaning I will trust you and you won't have to do anything in return.

I guess I never realized how powerful that word really is.

A lot can happen in a few short days.. it only took 1 day to change my life as I knew it.  That day was Thanksgiving Day.

And in that 1 day I began a new journey to practice unconditional words.  I've found that I can't expect those words from those who do not even understand them, which doesn't give me an excuse to not show it to those very people.

I've had a difficult few months.  All that I knew is now changed.  The only thing that remains is my one constant; and that is Jesus.  The one who claimed and perfectly executed the very definition of unconditional words.

The other day I found something that has reminded me of why I need to press on and continue to practice those things.  It was something a friend wrote down for me on an index card.  I don't know where she got it from, but I know it's been very helpful.

"When something bad happens you have three choices.  1. You can let it define you. 2. You can let it destroy you. or 3.  You can let it strengthen you."

Something bad has happened.  Life is much more difficult than ever.  BUT if I give in to all the chaos and negative things now I will have to live with the consequences.  All those who are around me that know what's going on have voiced their opinions.  They've had their say.  And now I'm done listening to those people.

I've stopped listening to them because I don't want opinions from people who don't understand the words that I hold so tightly to.  Those people live in fear, they act out in fear, and they thrive on fear.

Me?  I choose to only fear 1 thing; God.

Everything else is just noise.