Just saying.. with a G ;-)

I was just thinking about all the posts being put up on Facebook about who's fault this financial mess is, and why we should dislike them I started to wonder.. with all the fighting going on, does the blame game really accomplish anything? That's really just stepping over the problem, now isn't it?

When I was a kid I shared a room with my two younger sisters.  And when our room was messy, it was MESSY.  You could barely see the floor, if you could see it at all.  It was covered in our daily lives.. clothes, toys, papers, trash.. you name it, it was there.  It didn't really bother me, I could live with it.  I didn't really like having to step over trash to get to my bed, or the fact that I didn't really know what I was stepping on, but I didn't do anything about it because I wasn't the only one living in that room, and I wasn't about to clean it by myself.  It's not fair for me to have to clean up after them.  I should only have to clear my own mess.  But when I look into my past at the floor of my bedroom I'm willing to bet I couldn't tell what was my mess, and what was theirs.

So we'd let it pile up.  And figured it wouldn't be that big of a deal, why would anyone care how we lived?  They didn't have to live in it.  But I found out real fast the truth.  I only lived in a room that belonged to my parents, and they very much cared about how I kept it, because when things were in need of repair THEY were financially responsible.  If I broke something THEY had to fix it. Yikes.  I can remember my moms way of forcing us to deal with our mess... she pushed everything she could find, on the floor and anywhere else, down the stairs.  It all piled on itself and the mess was so bad it climbed to the middle of the stairs.  If you have a set of stairs at home you'd know that most staircases have about 13 steps.  And to have crap built up halfway is pretty bad.  So mom told us the mess needed to be taken care of BEFORE our father got home or their would be consequences.  I was raised in a home that disciplined children with spanking.  Not BEATING. We were not abused, so don't go all, "Oh my that poor girl." NO.  I appreciate the discipline my parents gave me because I now understand right from wrong.  There was some fighting over the mess.  Who made the most of it, and who needed to be the one to clean it up.  Ultimately my mother made us all stay there and clean because... we all made the mess together.. didn't matter who did what, we shared the room so we shared the responsibility.

Whatever happened to accountability?  Back in my youth (which wasn't that long ago) we had to answer for our discrepancy's and no one had an issue with it.  Now?  People can't bare to punish children when they are being bad.  But let's think about this logically.. is it easier to correct a 2 year old? or a 20 year old?  Wait.. let me make sure you understand.. the two year old doesn't know the difference from right or wrong, and neither does the 20 year old.  Are you getting my point?  It's pretty pathetic to see a 20 year old acting like a 2 year old.  I've seen it.. heck, I've DONE it.. but by that time the punishment is going to be a bit more than spanking them or sitting them in time out.  Yeah.  It'll no longer be in the parents hands.. odds are it'll be in the government's hands.  I've seen how the government takes care of juveniles and I'd seriously consider not letting your child get to that point.

There's a big mess in our country right now.  And a lot of people are willing to wade around in it just so they don't have to be part of the clean-up committee.. but sooner or later someone is going to have to face the fact that the only way out is to stop walking over it, stop fighting about who did it, and start figuring out how to clean it up.

Maybe there were a lot of bad choices with finances.. maybe there were some programs that were meant to help but really just became a crutch.. but that doesn't mean it's not fixable!  And I'm seriously done with the finger pointing.  Seriously, shut off Fox News or NBC or whatever crap is feeding your brain and lets really find an honest way to figure things out.  Imagine you're in your room as a 10 year old, having to clean up the mess, but there was a reporter on your bed telling you just what belonged to your sisters and how they are always playing on your side of the room, and they always use your stuff without asking!  Please, someone punch that reporter, because telling me there's a mess doesn't help me.

This is just my opinion, and you know what they say about those right?  But my thought is this country wasn't built to blame, and chastise.  It was a place to escape tyranny.. and in case you don't know what tyranny is here's a reminder:

Definition of TYRANNY
1: oppressive power <every form of tyranny over the mind of man — Thomas Jefferson>; especially : oppressive power exerted by government <the tyranny of a police state>
2a : a government in which absolute power is vested in a single ruler; especially : one characteristic of an ancient Greek city-state
b : the office, authority, and administration of a tyrant3: a rigorous condition imposed by some outside agency or force <living under the tyranny of the clock — Dixon Wecter>
4: an oppressive, harsh, or unjust act : a tyrannical act<workers who had suffered tyrannies>

A long time ago settlers came here to this country to escape a King who was beating them down financially and religiously. They wanted freedom from being told what to do. So they left. Almost like a teenager or young adult finally ready to be freed from the rule of their parents.

Over the last few hundred years our country figured out that in order to function we had to set rules, and put in place safety nets in case someone needed help and couldn't fend for them self. Back then those guidelines were used for the elderly and disabled. But those two words have different meanings now.

Everything is different. We live in broken homes amidst violence and corruption almost on a daily basis. Our lives have been turned upside down for what? Freedom? Do you really think we are free? Freedom is a loose term. Sure we aren't beaten for our beliefs or speaking our mind.. we're more like that family with the gorgeous house on the corner, the perfect hedges, and tightly trimmed front lawn.. the house is filled with pictures of smiling faces.. perfect hair, shiny teeth. But take a look at their eyes. Stony and empty. That family looks great on the outside.. they put on a fantastic show.. but on the inside? Mom's a pill-popping junky, dad's sleeping with the secretary, little Johnny's blowing up mailbox's and murdering cat's while Jane's been sleeping with the whole football team. That's America. As long as we have our blu-ray and flat screens.. give me football on Sunday, and make sure dinner's ready by 5.

In my opinion we're worse than ever. We can't go a day without our electronic devices, yet we can't even take a walk to our neighbor's house to have a cup of coffee. Everyone is happy to sit in their little bubble, and then they turn on the t.v. they see murder and violence happening and they are surprised.. "Gosh, it's so crazy these things are happening" is what they say. Yet they sit back and blame whomever. It's everyone else's fault but their own.

No one's willing to pick up the first shift of cleaning because they see the size of the pile and they are intimidated. It's a big pile. I know. But it's not impossible. What I did was I started small, I began at the beginning. I took care of the obvious stuff first.. dirty laundry, trash.. and from there it was a step at a time. It took a LONG TIME. But we got it done. Proof? I'm not still cleaning that mess up. And I've been cleaning up after myself for more than 20 years and I'm very capable now.

From finances to morals to bad actions there are ways of fixing things, and stepping over the mess is not one of them. We have to face them. As a country. Do our part, and start to figure this out. Because the mess ain't gonna clean itself.

But hey, that's just my opinion. And you know what they say about opinions...

Are you up for the challenge?

Life. 
Are you up for the challenge of living?  Do you know what it means to live?
It means breathing.  Laughing. Crying. Getting angry.  Happy moments and sad.  It means to lose and to win.  It means to be at the top and the bottom.  To be blind and to see.  To be deaf and to hear.  To love and to hate.  To be lost and be found.  To grow and learn and struggle and follow whims.  To take chances and change.  To bend and break.  To give and to receive. 

Life is whatever you want it to be.  When you stop and look around what is your life? Is it a happy one? A sad one?  One full of good things or bad?  It doesn't matter.  Either way it is life.  And your story is your story.  No one else can live your life.  You live it.  You think of it what you want.  You can do with it whatever you want.  There's a big world out there, it may seem small, but there's still oceans and miles between us all.  It takes trains and planes and boats to get to everywhere.  Walking distance shouldn't be where you stop.  Push yourself to go FURTHER. Find new things, explore places you've never been.  Go to places no one can go.  See a new sunset, watch a new sunrise, see the constellations you've never seen, sail on an ocean you've only read about.  Pick a place on a map and go there.  There is nothing stopping you.  Only you can stop you. 

Just do it.  Because you are only alive once.  You can't get a single breath back.  Stop worrying about what everyone else worries about.  This whole world is going to pass away.  Nothing is ever going to stay the same.  Everything changes.  People live and die.  We all have something we feel called to..

Me?  I woke up this morning.  That's always a good sign.  Today as I drove home from an eye appointment I had a realization that I feel like I'm ready for more.  I think this year is going to be a good year.  I've been on this earth for 30 years 22 weeks and 4 days.  What have I accomplished in that time?  Well.. I can't really say I've done all I want.  I've raised a child.  I've lived on my own, I've loved and lost.  I've traveled to another country, and seen a different part of the ocean.  I've learned how to be a good employee, and to be a reliable employee.  I've made mistakes, and asked for forgiveness.  I've seen birth and death.  I've cried, and laughed, and gotten angry. 

My life is pretty normal.  I've seen and done things that are not new.  But there's so much more I want to do.  I want to see the sunset in California. I want to see the world from another hemisphere, and swim in another ocean.  I want to eat food that I've never tried, from a place I've never been.  I want to sleep under different constellations, and see another world of people. 

This world is so big.  And I've only experienced a portion of it.  And to think that my life here in this small town is enough is like saying a few bites from a table filled with food is enough.  I want more.  And as long as my heart beats, and I am physically able, I will do more. 

I'm absolutely sure of this.

Take THAT allergies.

Today was a horrible reminder of just how stressful it can be when you have a medical issue and can't afford to fix it.  I've been having an issue with my allergies for over a month now and Tuesday they all collided and for three days I suffered through itching, burning eyes and feeling like my skin was crawling.  Why can't life be easier?  One minute things are going great, the next minute something happens to remind you just how crappy things can be.

Growing up I never had issues.  My eyesight was perfect, wasn't really aware of any allergies (although I'm pretty sure the gluten-thing was effecting me in a minor way), and I never had to worry about being around dust or pollen.   Growing up stinks in more ways than one.  Not only do we have to become financially responsible, but we start to decay in these earthly bodies and have to deal with maintaining a losing battle. 

No matter how hard we try to fight it, there is no creme, pill, eye drop, or otherwise to change the fact that from the moment we are born these human bodies grow and then decay.  We are like a blooming flower, or growing tree.  We each have an expiration date. 

A human has an amazing story.  If you believe as I do that we are all planned beings, then you'd know that who we are, down to the smallest detail, was a plan.  Our family line, our very lineage was picked out.  You wouldn't be you had you been born by a different father or mother.  You are you because of the specifics of your DNA that was passed down through a generation of DNA's.  Amazing, right? And scientifically, I think we can agree, this is rock solid.  These scientific facts cannot be denied. 

We are a DNA soup, and had anything changed we would be a different soup.  Throw in a dash of hair color, and a pinch of eye color.. mix in some skin color genes, and some height and weight mixtures.  Then we have artistic talents, or lack of.. maybe some organizing or math genius.. a tendency to be great at understanding science or playing the piano.  Those are some great ingredients.  Mix it all together and you've created a person.  But we're forgetting something. Ahhh.. you'll know what I'm talking about if you've ever had to get a yearly physical.. that dreaded medical history.  Those darn deficiencies that are passed down through generations.  Pesky troubles that are family traits, and usually a lovely perk of genetics. 

Me? I've been blessed with bad vision, allergies to lots of things including, but not limited too, gluten, dust, pollen, and maybe life in general ;)....
I'm also the happy owner of weak, brittle bones.. a degenerative disease that effects any bone in my body.  I've got weak ankles that droop, and cause flat feet and a bad back, and sometimes effect my knees.  Also, I've got the worst dental issues.  It's embarrassing going to the dentist because my teeth  are just disintegrating, no matter what I do. 
That's about all that affects me, but I've got lots of family medical problems that I'm sure have their eye on my body, and will try their darnedest to effect it.  Diabetes, cancer, mental disorders.. they are all there.

What a crap-load.  Right??  All that and it starts to remind you, this human lifespan is actually an upward curve.  You're conceived, with all that DNA in mind.  You are then carried as a fetus to begin to put together the ingredients.  When you're ready to grow further you come out of the womb.  You go through the stages of life... birth, infancy, toddler, child, teen, adult.  You're body has a peak.  When you're genetic peak is hit the body then begins its decent in decay.  Like a withering flower.  Sometimes our decay begins before the peak, sometimes after.  But you can bet that every human being will decay, and finally die.

Man, I'm bumming myself out.  I think I know how Solomon felt when he wrote Ecclesiastes.  Life can really stink.  So what am I gonna do about it?  I'm gonna take my allergy pills, and wear my glasses, and special shoes to work and brush my teeth.  That's pretty much all I can do here on this earth, aside from a miracle you can't escape the inevitable.

But you know what I'm looking forward too?  The bible says when this life passes away I will enter into the kingdom of God.  There is no dust or decay there.  Nothing molds, or breaks.  There is no sadness, pain, or death.  And that's my hope.  That I may struggle with these earthly issues now, but when it's all over here Jesus is waiting to take away all the medical history.  The bad DNA that has caused me such struggles over the years. 

Maybe things are crappy now.   But my belief is that when I finally breathe my last here on earth I will be given a new body.  A whole body, with no defects that will never decay, and will live forever in the radiance and glory of the Father.  It makes me feel like appreciating the good stuff here will be a small reminder of how much better it is there.  And just like the rest of the family of God I wait.  In anticipation of a Glory that cannot be matched.  And leaving this behind won't be very hard, knowing what I'm leaving it for. 

Hope for a new day.

Merry Christmas to you all!! 

I have to say, this has been one of those days where you go to sleep feeling content with the day.  I was so thankful for today.  And I just had to share how wonderful everything turned out!  In my last blog I really felt the sorrow for my family, it was a heavy one, and my desire to have a good Christmas was so strong I found myself praying in the car on the ride there.  My prayer was that we get together and our Christmas is full of good things.  No sorrow, no anger, no fighting.  And I think my prayer was more than answered.  When I arrived I just felt a lightness in the air, and my mom was cooking so I looked around to see what I could do to help out.  The dishes were practically falling out of the sink, so I emptied and loaded the dishwasher then washed the remaining things by hand.  I just felt so compelled to be a helper, so after finishing the dishes I helped make some snacks, and clean up to prepare for dinner.  Then everyone arrived (even a surprise visit from a very welcome face) and we gathered around the table to say grace.  Mom's prayer was pretty close to what I prayed in the car, I prayed that everyone would be less focused on the stuff they got and more focused on the family being together, and she pretty much said the same thing.  That was my confirmation that not only am I not alone in my desire for a change, but God has heard me and was with us there at that meal.

Dinner was good.  It was full of laughter and happy memories.  We had such positive energy, I can say for sure that house was full of the joy that comes from God.  How blessed we were! Then we all gathered in the living room to exchange gifts.  As each gift was given a new person would arrive just in time to open more gifts.  It was perfect timing.  There was no overwhelming feelings that I could tell.  Children were happy, parents were happy.  I got to see most of my family.  The only part that was sad was a call from someone I knew wouldn't be able to share our joy because of negative circumstances.  This person is the center of a problem, so them not being there was good, although I wish it didn't have to be that way, still, I'm glad they have their own little family and life so that they don't feel so badly about the current troubles that surround them. 

In short, things were good.  God brought me such a feeling of good.  And I couldn't be more thankful.  I got my blender, and lots of awesome homemade goodies and my sister found me gluten free Chocolate Chex cereal!!! That was the highlight of my night, let me tell you! That stuff is hard to find.  Ethan got some good stuff too.  But you know what stuck out and will leave a great memory?  The happiness, contentment and joy of our Christmas.  I'm so glad, and I thank God for answering my Christmas wish.  It's better than anything that I could get from under the tree.  My gift was wrapped with hugs and kisses, and contained smiles and togetherness.  Gosh, I'm so corny, I feel like a bad Hallmark movie, but it couldn't be described any other way.

I'm so thankful to the God who loves me and my family so much that He'll hang out with us for the day.  His presence is the best present of all!

Getting into the spirit....

Well, tomorrow is Christmas Eve.  I'm pretty excited, cause my boy is getting a FABULOUS surprise!  But until then, we will all get together on Christmas Eve and party, then for dinner at my parents on Christmas Day.  Should be a good time, right?  I've been praying about this Christmas to be different than others because my family has been facing some hard truths lately, and I just would love it if everything could fix itself simply and everyone got along.  Too bad that's not how things go.

This year I'm frustrated with my family.  And I hope they don't hate me for saying it, but it's their fault  things have gotten this bad.  Without going into personal details, my family is in the midst of a stand-still.  There was a horrible situation, which never got resolved, and now has snowballed to affect anything and everything possible.  We don't talk about it anymore, because we've moved on.. supposedly.. and then there have been other events that have actually just added fuel to an already blazing fire.  So we are stuck with a burning family.  It's funny I use that analogy because we've suffered through more fire damage than I ever thought possible.  Our house burnt down when I was a kid, leaving us homeless and having to start from scratch.  Then our barn burnt down, which wasn't that horrifying since we hadn't had animals in it in years.. but still, it brought us bad memories.  Then last year my parents had a fire that destroyed the whole first floor.  They had to get it completely redone.  Fire has always given me an uneasy feeling in my stomach.  I'm afraid to leave my apartment sometimes.. fearing that maybe I left my straightening iron on.. or there might be some crazy event that causes another fire.  I've been very blessed lately, no tragedy has touched my life in a way that it has since the fire that took my home.  People have died, but they died of old age.  Things have broken, and relationships have ended, but I haven't really felt so scared of those things.

I just need to know why have things gotten so bad with my family?  Each year we grow farther and farther apart and sometimes I think they use this as an excuse to break away.  No it hasn't happened in a way that I don't see them, but its to the point where we have "special dinner's" so the right people don't end up seeing the wrong people.

It's not like when we were kids, were aren't made to get along, we are adults and can choose to not be somewhere if we don't want to.  We can choose to be angry at someone, and we can choose to hold on to grudges for so long just so we don't have to deal with them. 

I am so disappointed.  I wish things could start to show good change, you know? Like there's some hope.  What kills me is all this discontent towards each other is so hypocritical.  Almost like every other person has perfectly good reason to be angry and treat those they are upset with because they are justified.  No one is willing to give in.  Everyone's angry, and everyone's got their reasons.

I guess this means they will always be angry, huh?  I guess this will be how things start to spiral, until everyone decides there's no point in sticking together.. family is a dirty word to us. 

With all this doom and gloom, you'd think I'd have no Christmas Spirit! Well, to my surprise I can't help but feel joy this year.  I am so happy, sometimes I just start singing and dancing and I don't care who watches!  None of the family stuff gets to me like it used to.  It is frustrating, and I do have an opinion on it, but then when I really start thinking about it, I just know that all I have to do is love them.  And I do.  I love them ALL.  I couldn't imagine my life without any of them.. and that includes YOU (You know who YOU are)  And I just feel sad that they don't try forgiveness.  They are all so willing to hold on to their anger like it's a prized possession, and worth more than letting go. 

It took some time for me to let go.  I'm not saying I changed over night, it was a process, but I was willing to change!  Are they? I have no idea.  My hope is that they are getting as sick of the fighting as I am.  I know that just when things are about to get better they usually get worse.  Are we at that point? Can't we all just get along??

Who knows.  I do know, that all I want for Christmas is for peace and happiness for my family.  I want them to be happy.  I want them to let go of the past, and move into a better tomorrow.  I want them to feel what I feel, the love that is matchless.. and I want them to want change too.

I'll be praying for this for my family.  And I'll be praying with the hope and faith that God knows just what it's going to take to finally bring healing to a hurting family.  And finally douse the flames of the fire that has been burning through our family for too long. 

Geez, I'm such a whino..

I was going over some of my old posts and came across the one called "Suffering in Silence" and I've come to the conclusion that I am a big whiner.  You know it's bad when you feel awkward reading your own words.

I was aggravated when I wrote that.  As you can plainly see.  But there's something I neglected to let myself see.. God doesn't hand out payments or send help to those who are in the midst of a lesson that needs to be learned WITHOUT those things.  I complained about the fact that I could count on one hand how many people helped me over the last few years, but neglected to say what I meant... and that is there are only a select few who have helped me financially.  That got me angry because I felt looked over, but God lovingly lifted the curtain that's been blinding me these last few years.

How could I be so ignorant?  Or ungrateful??  Well, because I'm human, first of all, and because while in the midst of trial we tend to squirm under the pressure.  I know I had to let go of some hot gas, and did so by venting about wanting those who are over-looked to not be so over-looked.  In the midst of a good hearted idea I had alterior motives.  I wanted people to feel bad.  But ultimately, I wanted God to feel bad.  I know, stupid, but its the truth.  I wanted my Father to see how upset I was and give me what I want. 

Yeah, that's right, I threw a tantrum.

Did God fall for it? Not so much.  God knows me better than I know myself.  He knew my motives, He knows my heart, and He knew I was just trying to get His attention. 

I have pretty awesome parents here on earth.  They did what they could to make sure I was fed, clothed, and had a roof over my head.  Then when I told them I was pregnant they did the best thing they could do...they made me face it.  Yes my parents helped me, but I was forced to take responsibility.  I had to grow up and become who my son needed me to be in order to raise him on my own.  I had a hard road ahead of me, and being the naive girl I was I had some nasty surprises headed my way.

I was horrible at keeping jobs.  My work ethic stunk, and I just wasn't ready to "commit" to anything I couldn't stand.  But my parents didn't care, I was to pay rent, and put my son in daycare and learn to be independent.  I couldn't rely on everyone else to do what I could do myself.  I had to be more mature than that.  So I learned lesson after lesson of how to be independent. 

God never left my side during these times, I'm sure of it, because I never ended up on the street.  I always had a family take me and Ethan in.  Always had food for us both.  Always had what I needed.  I never went without.  My mom and dad did a good job raising me, and I'm glad they didn't step in. 
I'm also glad no one else stepped in either.  I don't get the chance to be lazy, or to ignore my responsibilities.  I have to maintain my living space because everyone else does too.  I was so ignorant to the fact that I'm not the only one that has suffered in silence, and wanted to whine about it.  I'm sure I'm not the first child of God to whine about having to grow up.   And that's just what I've been facing, growing up. No one comes to do my dishes because I'm fully capable of doing so.  And I don't need a meal brought to me because I'm not struggling with something that keeps me from cooking. 

It was just an excuse to be lazy.  I wanted to be lazy.  I have to work and clean and pay bills and that stinks.  I didn't want to have to do that.  I wanted someone to see my temper tantrum and give me a lollipop to shut me up.  But just like a child who is appeased to keep quiet that doesn't help anything now does it?  That child begins to realize if I cry and scream they jump and do what I ask.  I know some kids like that.  I don't really like being around them, but can we blame the kids? Or the parents?  Most spoiled kids are only that way because the parents aren't willing to see their child in pain, or they don't want to deal with the tantrums.  I know, because I've given in plenty with Ethan when he would get on my nerves.

But God? He's not that kind of parent.  He knows what good trials and pain does for us, and He doesn't have to wonder how we will turn out, He knows.  God gave me good parents, and gave them the willpower to deal with my crap so that I wouldn't become a whiny, co-dependent mess.  He wanted me to prosper.  He wanted me to be brave, and strong, and courageous.  And do you think all those things just come to you?? UH NO.  You get that way by overcoming difficulties, facing adversity, struggling and enduring through pain. 

Yeah.  I'm a whiner.  I squirm under pressure.  I don't like it when something is placed in my life that needs work because I want to be lazy. And I'm sorry for that.

God knows my heart.  He knows what it takes to keep me moving, and giving in to my tantrums is not it.

Iceberg's don't float upside down, silly.

These past few months have been a test and trial as to my understanding and faith in tithing. Yes, tithing is a difficult subject, but I think it's because we are all so unique in our walk with God that not one of us is having to face the same exact trial.  Some may be similar, but never exact.  We each have our own reactions, beliefs, and circumstances to affect the issue.

So with that said, here is my experience with learning to tithe.

A couple years ago I made a promise to God.  A promise that I was going to start tithing.  At the time tithing scared me, I had no understanding of it, and God knows my heart enough to know when I don't understand something that can be understood well then it's lesson time!  I love a good lesson! Ya know?  I love learning too.. most of the time.  For me this was one of the hard ones.  Mostly because it involves a very sensitive subject.. money. (Yuck)  I can take you back a couple years to my promise to God that I would atleast tithe $20 a week.  I know that doesn't sound like much from a full-time worker who makes a decent amount, but keep in mind I'm also a single mother living off only 1 income.  It's not an easy thing to do. One can get very caught up in the debts and financial responsibilities.  In fact, I was so mentally strangled by my finances I would freak out and fall into a depression over bills.  No I wasn't responsible for a house.  I only had a few bills.. I called it "drowning in a puddle".  Meaning I'm face down, held under by the finances that surrounded me, but they didn't really add up to much compared to some others I knew of.  So why was I drowning??

Perspective.  That's why.  What do I mean? Well I'll get to that, but let's go a bit deeper. So I made a promise to tithe $20.  This was a big step for me, because before that point tithing was the last thing on my mind.  I was worried about bills, and food, and clothing for a boy who was growing VERY fast.  I had to make sure there was gas in my car, and that my son had lunch money.. how the heck was I supposed to tithe when I could barely afford those things??  I bet you're on my side at this point.  Probably thinking to yourself this girl is being realistic.  These are real issues, and I can see from her perspective why she felt tithing shouldn't really be a priority.  If you aren't on my side, well good for you! But this is for those who really want to see, like I did, why tithing was so important.

Fast forward over weeks of tithing $20, and no further in my understanding, yet I started feeling that tug that I should be giving more.  And after I started feeling that other things were starting to be laid on my heart.  For those who do tithe we know that God absolutely provides when we do.  Needs are met, suddenly that car we've been needing shows up, or the clothes we can't afford are provided, or the bill we can't pay is anonymously paid off.  It happens.  Checks we aren't expecting come in the mail, people show up on our doorstep with meals fully cooked on a night when we just can't pull it together.  Don't tell me that doesn't happen, because I've got a church full of "yes it does" people, just waiting to testify to that very fact.  For me, when I was tithing the $20 my needs were being met, barely.  I never needed food, clothing, or gas.  My car never broke, I never got sick and neither did Ethan.  Work was going great, nothing was breaking, and I was maintained.  Then enter that feeling and suddenly things started changing.  God was saying to me, "Jocelynn, you still don't do what I ask fully."  I never felt pressure from Him, but I felt this knot in my heart, like I was wrong to not try.  I'm not blaming outside influences, but it didn't help that I had people who "understood" that I couldn't afford it telling me that I shouldn't tithe, it's crazy when I'm this strapped for cash.  I still didn't understand tithing, or the lesson God was trying to teach me through it.  Even though my tithe had increased, I was giving more, my desire to do so decreased.  I found that every once in a while I'd skip a week.  Who cares, ya know? They always say God "owns the cattle of a thousand hills" and "if I didn't give it's not like God would worry".. God was the owner of everything, so why did it matter if I didn't give my portion? It's not like He'd have to skip a car payment because of me.  And with this attitude I slowly started to stop tithing again.  Every week became a battle.  Me against tithing.  Every time I'd see the ushers come to the front with those baskets I wanted to find any excuse I could.. I need money for food, I have to buy Ethan new shoes, I didn't pay the electric bill yet.. seriously, I found a lot of excuses to not tithe. 

Sometimes I'd convince myself it was the right thing.  I'd listen to the speaker explain how tithing is good, and helps us grow in faith and depend on God. I WANTED to be that person.  I wanted to be faithful to God.  I wanted to give and do my part.  But I was finding more and more that because I couldn't understand WHY I was supposed to tithe I didn't want to do it.  Just like I had to understand why I should wait for my future husband, it was hard to wait without understanding, just as it was hard tithing without understanding. 

Sometimes without knowledge I literally get stuck in my faith.  And I found in other aspects I was growing spiritually, but not in this one.  My faith in God's ability to comfort me in my emotional struggles was there.  I knew He could, because He was constantly doing so.  I was understanding the love stuff more, and the fruits of the spirit, and why we forgive.  Everything was really starting to make sense.  It was awesome.  But at the bottom of my barrel of lessons remained tithing.  And it became a weight that kept me from growing completely.  I was finding because I couldn't understand this, I was slowly starting to grow bitter about it.  I hated that I had to deal with this problem. 

Tithing was the one lesson I couldn't figure out.  Then about a year ago I made a choice to start praying for God to seriously teach me about tithing this time. I was willing to do whatever if He could just help me understand what it was that was keeping me so constricted and blinded.  And honestly, I didn't see anything change in my life at first.  I was tithing off and on, so I decided to force myself to tithe weekly, this time giving on my net pay instead of just the $20,  because I felt like I needed to show God I was willing to do something to show Him I did want to atleast be faithful in what He asked of me financially.. even if I didn't understand.  So every paycheck I'd tithe.  Still none the wiser about what the point of it was.  Slowly I started feeling like maybe God didn't care.  Maybe I was at the point where God saw how crappy my effort was throughout all this lesson, and was sick of it and was done with me.  This was a losing battle.  I got discouraged, but I forced myself to be faithful still.  I couldn't bear the thought of what God would think or do if I didn't tithe.. Now you should know that if you don't tithe your heart isn't right with God's desires for your life.  But if you tithe just because you're afraid of what will happen if you don't that's bad too.  God is not a dictator, or debt collector.  He's not up there on His throne eating tables of food, shouting at His angels to come down here and take all your money. I always picture the scene from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King when the Stewerd of Gondor, Denethor, was at the table eating the meat.. food dripping from his mouth.. He only cared about himself.  I think in some strange way I assumed this was God.  He doesn't care about me, He only wants my submission and money.  He's a dictator, barking orders and demanding respect.

Now don't get this wrong.  In NO WAY is God a meek mouse in the corner.  He's not a wimpy bully ready to pounce, but afraid of what would happen if you fight back.  No.  God is God.  He is Omnipresent, Omnipotent, and Omniscient... meaning He has all power in all places at all times, yet He is a respecter of persons.  He demands our love, our worship, our faithfulness.. but in no way does He force it.  We will probably never fully understand all there is to understand about God here on this earth.  Our image of Him will always be limited to our earthly minds, so to think you understand God would be a big fat IGNORANT thought.  And I'd say you should think again. Anyways...

So how did I learn to understand the tithing thing?  It wasn't easy.  In fact, literally only recently have I really started to grasp what it is God is trying to teach me.  I shut out those thoughts of a gross king up in heaven as God, and I started to trust that God isn't like that.  I remembered how He helped me through those hard times when I felt like my world was crushed, and how never once did I feel Him pressure me to do anything I wasn't ready to do.  God loved me, and still loves me.  He has always been patient with me in my learning, has always waited until He knew I was ready for more, so slowly over the last year I became more determined to tithe even if I didn't understand.  I told God I was willing to be faithful even if I never understood, even though I really wanted to, I had to just be faithful and wait.  Over time I did see a change. I found myself seeing a trend in my finances that needed to change, I became more strict with my spending habits, I set limits for myself financially, I set up budgets and spending plans. Every month I would work on a spending plan for where my money would go to.  I have a green notebook that I've been using.  At the top I'd put the month, then I'd list in order of date what needed to be paid.  A couple months back God called me to do something that was hard for me to swallow.. He wanted me to tithe on my Gross Income, not my Net Pay. Most of us taxpaying Americans know that's like a big difference.  And it was hard.  And to add to that He also starting to show me that I needed to change how I pay my bills.  I thought He was crazy.  I paid them as they were due, then I'd buy groceries, put gas in my car, and tithe.  I had my priorities, ya know?? I had to make sure the bills were paid! Yet I'd go weeks without filling my fridge or cabinets, and I'd never drive anywhere to conserve gas. 

Still, I'd tithe.  It was about June when I started  a new diet that forced me to change my eating habits.  Along with a gluten-free life God gave me a lovely ironic scripture to chew on that I think gave that final push I needed to truly understand...

Deuteronomy 8:3(NLT)

³ Yes, he humbled you by letting you go hungry and then feeding you with manna, a food previously unknown to you and your ancestors. He did it to teach you that people do not live by bread alone; rather, we live by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

 

If you didn't already know, I come from a family that practically survives off of glutenous foods.  My mom is Sicilian and Armenian, so when we eat a snack it's packed with gluten.  There was always a loaf of Italian bread on my Nana's table growing up, and any gathering always included multiple pasta dishes.. lasagna, stuffed shells, Italian fried chicken, meatballs with breadcrumbs, ravioli... and that's just the main dishes.. can we talk about desserts? Baklava, Che reg, Cookies, Cakes, Pies.. so much good food.  And to my horror those were the reason I have been so sick all my life.  In June I went to a doctor appointment in my most desperate state.. I had turned into a basket case.  My hormones were out of control, I was constantly itchy, feeling like my skin was crawling, my hair was falling out in clumps, my weight had ballooned up to place where I've never been, and my body felt like I was bursting at the seams.  I knew there was something wrong, but it wasn't a simple fix.  I sat in the doctor's office feeling so stupid, thinking maybe there was something wrong mentally.. hey it made sense to me.. only last time I thought that and got medication to fix it all it did was make me numb, and fixed nothing.   We discussed my issues, and I had looked up my symptoms online and discovered I may have a problem with Gluten.  With me being dangerously low in Vitamin D, Iron and Calcium I was supposed to be taking vitamins, but I couldn't because I could never keep them down.. so with the things I told her, plus my past medical issues we decided to take gluten out of my diet.  And what a horrible ordeal that was.  Within the first two weeks I lost 15 lbs because I had no idea what I could eat.  But it changed not only eating habits, or my health, it also changed my financial habits.  I could no longer eat fast food.  Whether at a McDonald's or in a grocery store, all things that are preserved or pre-frozen are more often than not chock full of glutenous ingredients.. because that's used as a preservative.  I had to stop buying quick and easy, and start buying fresh and make everything from scratch.  Junk food was no longer on the menu, so I went through a horrible withdrawal period.  Luckily the worst of it was in the hot months so I got by with salads and fruit and light meats and fish.  And before the cold months hit I was pretty much a pro at it, and I think I handled Thanksgiving very well... there was very little crying.

 

After all that I realized I had changed in lot of ways, but financially I was spending differently too.  I no longer bought because I wanted something, I bought according to needs.  In the course of all that I also had this nagging feeling I wasn't doing my spending plan right.  It was in order of most important bills.. you know.. Rent, Electric, car payment, Credit Cards... guess what was at the bottom of that list? Tithing, food, and gas. Yep.  I put God and myself LAST. Those other things were not as important.. I can deal with what was in my cabinets.. but with my gluten issue resolved, me only feeling better WITHOUT eating gluten that really left me with nothing in my cabinets to eat.  I had no choice but to buy food.

 

I remember the night God hit me with a thought that really rocked my way of thinking up to this point.  I was sitting at the computer like many other nights and staring at the green spending sheet wishing it would burst into flames.  I didn't like the numbers it was showing me.  And I was doing this new thing where I would tithe my gross income, and that's when God was stirring my spirit about my priorities.. why am I paying Credit cards and bills and not buying food first?  Now that I was putting God first financially I thought it was enough.  But I still put the bills before myself.  Why?  Because I thought that's way it had to be.  And I could hear God.. "No, no, no, you've got it BACKWARDS.  YOUR needs before you pay the bills."

 

Huh??? What God?? You've got to be kidding me, right? Those bills have to get paid.  They'll take my car, and my apartment, and hunt me down! They'll call me and hound me, and OH MY GOSH.  I'm not gonna lie.. I cried.  Actually I sobbed.  How could God ask this of me??  I HAVE TO PAY BILLS.  Yeah. God was turning the world I had known UPSIDE DOWN.

 

And that's when it hit me.. He was turning my face out of the puddle I was drowning in to face Him.  He was teaching me that I had my priorities all wrong.  This whole time I was putting money, and bills, and debt, and the government before Him, and before my own needs.  All those other things are a huge load.  Everything I owe doesn't add up to much, but to me it was a lot to handle.  God was showing me that I was an upside down iceberg.. putting everything else that was holding me under water first.  It was only when I started to tithe the Gross Pay, and buy groceries and put gas in my car first that I started feeling this release.  I could almost feel the iceberg pushing out of the water, and the tip was where I stood, and the rest was under water.. the 90%..  

 

God asks us to give 10%.  He asks us to be faithful and trust that He has the means and desire to keep us afloat in an ocean that threatens to consume us.. maybe my issues looked like a puddle.. but to me they felt like an ocean.  And suddenly as I look over things I don't feel like I'm looking from the bottom anymore.  I feel like I'm at the top looking down, and I can breathe, because I'm not under the water, drowning.   God asks for us to tithe, I believe because He wants us to see from another perspective, and He wants you to get your priorities straight.  He should be Lord over everything, even money.  And considering money is really nothing to Him, I know He's not asking me to give Him a tithe of my income because of the money.  It's a metaphor.. it's to show Him where our loyalty and faith lie.  Do we believe Him when He says He is "Jehovah Jirah"?  Meaning God our provider?

 

That scripture I put out earlier was set in a time when the Israelite's had really lost their perspective.  Their world was just flipped upside down... or maybe they were actually flipped right-side up, and so was I.  All this time I was upside down, face down in a puddle.. struggling to breathe.. struggling to break free from chains that just wouldn't let me go.  But once God gave me this understanding I realize I wasn't chained at all.  I was wrapped up in my problems, just like we can get wrapped up in our sheets when we sleep.  God unwound me, flipped me right-side up, and pulled me out of my puddle I was drowning on.  I almost feel like I know what walking on water would be like.. I bet this is pretty close...

 

And I doubt I'm close to being done with this lesson. As most children of God know, these lessons are lifelong.  We never stop learning.  Things I understand now will grow with me, I'll understand more and heck... I might even figure out I'm wrong about something.  But it's ok.  Today I feel triumphant.  Money still makes me crazy, bills will always be there to pay, but my hope is that I will never let bills get in the way of putting God first, or putting myself second.