Feeling so exposed...

Ever had the carpet ripped out from underneath you? Ever have something so devastating happen it knocks the wind right out of you?

You lose the sense of security you desire. 

And suddenly you feel bared to the elements.

I'm talking big things here.  The death of a loved one.  Betrayal of a trust.  A house fire, a car accident, a tornado, a hurricane, a flood, a financial loss. 

There's a lot out there that can happen.  It can bring you to your knees and take away your confidence.  You can feel like the walls are all crumbling around you. 

You feel bared; naked; exposed; uncomfortable; fearful; and worried for an uncertain end to such a mess of a devastating event.

If you are breathing, your heart is beating, and you're reading this, odds are this has happened to you.  No one is exempt.  This is one thing us human beings are both blessed and cursed with- life.

Life's a funny thing. We all assume we understand it.  Because we are all alive, but then something happens that shoots our expectations to heck. 

I stared at the television screen the other night, watching the effects of a monster storm that destroyed the Northeast.  What a scary thing to watch and be a part of.  I forced myself to shut off the t.v. right after the tears started.  Yeah.  I cried.  I was scared, to say the least, and sad for all the devastation.  Watching all that pain and suffering, yet still mean, sarcastic things were in my head ...at first.. you know, like God wasn't too thrilled about the Jersey Shore and this was proof, or maybe the blood-sucking, money-hungry people of Staten Island needed to be taken down a peg or two. You can rest knowing those thoughts didn't last long.  Picture after picture of PEOPLE starting to get to me.  REAL LIFE.  Stories that you never see.  They are the background, and back bone, of those places.  And they were suffering.  I went to bed sobbing that night.  Such pain got to me.  I hate seeing people in pain. 

My job is taking care of those at the end of life.  I've spent 7 years experiencing the end.  What it looks like, and how it's dealt with by those who have to watch helplessly as their loved one experiences it.  What a 7 years it has been.  And I'd have to argue that it's been the best 7 years of my life.

OH Life.

I thought if I could get those stories out, then maybe their lives would not be in vain.  And you know what the most common thing they needed at the end was? LOVE.  They all needed it.  They needed human interaction.  Affection.  Someone to hold their hand, or hold them, as they cried. Someone to hear their anger at the helplessness they felt.  They needed someone to look at them like they were more than an occupied bed, or a medical record number.  They needed someone to do things that made them feel less like a service and more like a human being.  What I did for them may have cost money, but it never was the driving point. Meaning I didn't do it for the paycheck, and I thought nothing of the money I spent for them.  I found ways of making them smile, because there was a need for it.  I stayed when I wasn't scheduled to, I walked into rooms most people would have avoided, and witnessed plenty of last breaths. Love comes easy for me when it came to these people.  No, really.  Because no matter how stubborn or down-right arrogant you can be when you get to those last moments you leave all those horrible things behind, and you are no longer that prideful a-hole that everyone wanted to punch in the face.  Everyone gets to that point differently, but everyone gets there.  And they want that feeling of being loved.

I've spent a long time at the end.  And it's growing this desire to understand the beginning.  How does life begin?  Yeah, I know how controversial this topic is.  I'm not going to say I agree with any side.  Instead I'm going to tell you what I've found on my journey in figuring it out.

I'm going to give you a chance to digest this much, and then you can regroup.  Cause this is looking to be continued...