I'm not who I thought I was, according to you

Oh 2020.

This was supposed to be a better year.

Let's recap, shall we? It's been about 2 years since my last post, and since then I had recovered from some major trauma, and then found myself in a relationship at the beginning of 2019.
At first I thought I was going in a good direction. I thought things would slowly get better. I wanted to show myself that I could be in a relationship.

Only problem was that the person I was dating was so very wrong for me in so many ways. He was impatient, hated his parents, cared more about making others happy than himself (and in turn made it seem like others were responsible for his happiness), didn't take his health seriously, was extremely co-dependent, and super insecure.

Ok. That was a loaded paragraph. Let's just clear one thing up; I do not believe I am any better than anyone else in life in a way where I am allowed to judge someone else's behavior, except when I have had a close, personal, relationship with them. I spent a little under 3 months practically trying to force myself to believe he was not who he seemed.  I looked for the best in him, no, I DUG into him to find the best. I found a man willing to sacrifice himself for others, time and time again to help in the way he believed they needed. I found a man who loved cooking for me, and spending time learning about different passions of his. I found a man who loved the idea of love and family, who devoted himself to being there, even when it was physically painful.

I dug, and I found qualities that were good. But here's the problem; I had no business being in a relationship with him. Didn't expect that, did ya? Wanna know why? Well, it's because the man I was dating wasn't the kind of man I wanted in my life. There was nothing wrong with him. He was imperfect, he had many life lessons left to learn and grow from, but that's not any different from anyone else in the human race. The truth is that I wasn't willing to admit that the girl who he was looking for wasn't me. I should've only been friends with him, but if I'm being honest I just couldn't take being single. Another semester had ended and I was restless and didn't want to face the weeks ahead of me. My life had completely changed because of school. I had no time to pursue relationships because all my energy had to go to my ever-changing educational needs. I wasn't looking forward to more nights alone, at all.

Out of a whim in my restlessness my mind wandered to an old friend, wondering how he was doing. What didn't come to mind was the fact that the last time we spoke we stopped talking because he started dating someone else. I was entertaining the idea of dating him back then, but I was just starting to recover from the traumatic life event that had put myself and my son into a very dark place for 3 years. I wasn't ready to face dealing with the issues alone, how was I going to face it with someone else? His impatience mixed with his "Fairy tale" mentality had gotten the last say and he was whisked away to a life with another girl. I cared, but at the same time I was relieved.

But we didn't end badly, so I figured why not reach out to him? It had been 3 more years. That dark place was no longer holding me or my son hostage. We were almost ok. Almost. But I still felt that restlessness where I knew I needed something to distract me from my sad boring life, alone in my bed, no one to spend time with. I was lonely. And maybe I was a little desperate. I don't like how that word tastes, but it might be true.

So I texted him. It began with two words, "Hey stranger". Funny that's what I had said, because that's what we were pretty much the whole time. Strangers dating, strangers sharing a bed, strangers sharing change, strangers planning a future. It constantly felt like we were speaking different languages. I thought I was able to hear him, know him, see him, understand him, but never felt like he could apply any of those things to me. Everything I said, did, or felt was constantly lost.. I rarely felt understood.

Because we had no business being together.

Because I jumped into the relationship and ignored my past hopes regarding my future husband, I found myself in a constant see-saw of emotions. I think if I had allowed myself to be who he wanted me to be then I wouldn't have been true to who I really was. The girl he had a crush on 9 years prior was no where to be seen. The one in her place was someone who was recovering from PTSD and seeking to understand and try to deal with newly diagnosed ADHD, and worsening OCD, and PDD along with anxiety disorders. I was finally given answers to all my struggles over my life of education, but the answers were a bit stressful in themselves. Who I was, was a girl changed by her past, and present. The girl I thought I was was someone who struggled and had a hard time, but would do anything for the right man.

According to him, the person I was was no where near who I thought I was. The things he said to me about me felt like he was talking about someone else. Who the hell was this girl he was so desperate to find in me? and what was wrong with who I was then?

NOTHING. That's what. What was wrong was us being together. Maybe 10 years ago things would've been different, but that didn't happen. And the relationship we had was not at all the kind of relationship I had pictured myself to be in. Because we weren't supposed to be together.

No matter how I spun it, not matter how many times I tried to understand the why's of things going wrong, nothing would change the fact that we weren't right for each other. The time I spent with him gave me the chance to be with someone for a change. I got to have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. I had someone to call and text when I wanted to talk or text, and someone to share a bed with.

It wasn't always great, but it was something. Not really my greatest life choice over the last few years, but it definitely helped me see something about myself that I never saw before. When restless, I need to find something to fill that void with that doesn't include dating someone. That is not a good way to deal with needing change. I should not compromise, just because I need mental stimulation, or a warm body in my bed. That is stupid. And I am not stupid!

It's been almost a year since we spoke. He chose to cut me completely out, for whatever reason, and it has been a long road of coming back from allowing myself to get involved emotionally with someone I should never have involved myself emotionally with. But here I am, almost a year later, and I don't really care to know how he's doing, or whether he thinks about me. I'm still a little curious, but honestly, if I never see him again, or hear from him again it's for the best. I'm not who he wanted. And he's not who I wanted either. And if we want to find that person we need to keep moving on, away from each other.

My world

What is it like, to live with depression?
It is not mine, but it is in the world around me.
He is the world around me, and he is also my world.
And he is depressed.  He lives with a deep sadness that I cannot take away.
My world reflects such sunshine into my life when I think of him.
Our treasured days, I can count them all as my favorite, because he is my favorite.
His presence shines the sunshine, and he is my favorite sunshine giver.
When he is okay.
But he also brings the rain.
On days when it rains my world is grey and blue hues.
His colors are dulled, with no sign of life or light.
He walks and stands, but only hunched and slow.
Behind him there are trails of regrets.  Things unchangeable that tear at him.

My world has too many regrets.

These regrets have created a mind bully.
It constantly fights him, on the inside, telling him he is only meant for the rain.  He is only meant for those dull grey and blue hues.

It will only be days with no signs of life or light.

These are the feelings that swirl around him, like a hurricane.
They are emotions, and they wrap around my world so tightly that he struggles to breath on some days.

The days of the hurricane feelings have not come as often as they use to, but they still come.

Most days anyway.

I wish my world could chase away that bully with the anger and rage I feel when they speak to him.
I wish he could wear my love and fierce protection for his light and life, wear them on himself, as his shelter, and shield.
Then the bully would flee.  It would flee knowing full well that I am capable of ripping it to shreds.

My love is rage and power against the rain, and the dull grey and blue hues that fill my world.

And when it flees, my love transforms him.  My world changes, with new signs of light and life.
The sunshine returns to my world and he radiates all the colors that I love most about him.
He is deep auburn's of passion for life, evergreen sharp, for strength and peace, amber's and vibrant blues for endurance.

Those dull blues, now vibrant, reflect his regrets as ocean's of lessons that show more grace and mercy.

And even those grey's change.  They become soft, like a warmth found on the fur of the kittens seeking the warm and safe places, all curled up into a ball of peace.

I wish my love for my world could shine stronger than the rain.
I want it to dry up the vast floods it causes, that ruin his streets and bridges, and destroy his places of refuge.  They would not take his places of protection.

He would use my love as a weapon; one that could fight and destroy the things that keep him from resting.

My world does not rest.  He cannot sleep, even when he is tired.
My world does not feed himself, not in the way he needs to.
Sometimes, even when he needs to, he does not cry, and does not feel.  He has become numb when he feels that way.

My world may be free from his past regrets, but they still keep his mind prisoner.

His mind is held captive, but all that has ever crushed him.

Memories are 3 ton construction trucks being driven over the bridges to get him through, and the bridges collapse, their weight limit exceeded.

This leaves my world stranded with the memories, and I have to watch helplessly as the memories destroy his hope of rescue, or escape.

Memories are a paralytic.  They inject him with their poison, and his is unable to move.

He cannot speak, he cannot live.
They hold onto him, telling him that he is all the bad things that his bully says he is.
They say he's terrible, he's hated, and he is ruined.

The world is dying, they say, plagued and doomed, and they are glad.  Good riddance, it says.

This world is full of sorrow, and pain.
He is hurting.
He is the world.
He is my world.
And I want to save him.

I want to be his protector.
I want to be his super hero, like those he has so admired throughout life.
I want to use my power to save my world, from the darkness that has overcome him.

I would be the sun.
I am the sun to shine on my world, and my powers are strong.
I am what sustains my world, too.
I give heat for his warmth, and give life to his being.
I hold my world in place, my gravity strongly carrying him through, helping to keep him going, through the days and seasons of time as he works to break free and move on.

He may think he is imprisoned to his memories, he may feel paralyzed by them.

But my ever-present love that is steady and consistent will remain with him.  I am unmoved.

He is the world.  He is my world, and I am the sun.

I am the sun to shine the light that chases away the darkness that dwells within my world.
And my light is what brightens and defines his colors.

And by this I will teach him.
I will tell him to remember that the sun is shining always.
The sun never goes "down", never "goes away" or "hide's behind the clouds".

NO.

The sun is ever-present, existing  and giving the light that brings life, keeping the world from losing his balance, and
providing energy to sustain my world, in spite of the dull grey and blue hues.

Because I have chased away the rain and clouds, I will paint in his brilliant blue sky as a reminder that I am here, using many new bright hues of color, to show my world just how strong my love for him is.

I will use the rain, I will change how he sees it.
And these bright hues will be stretched over his sky, it will bow over my world, the entire expanse of his memories and dull grey and blue hues and the mental bully will PALE in comparison to the brilliant bow I will show.

And he will know it is from me, the sunshine for his days, and he will remember- he is so very loved.

And I will save my world.  Every time.

I'm not who I was

The last time I wrote was many years ago.

My life has changed very much since then, but it has also not changed at all in some aspects.

Who am I now? Changed.  I am different.  I know more, I've seen more, I've been through more.

Life hit hard, and I've spent a lot of time recovering.  I moved away from everyone and everything I had known.  I essentially hid, because facing what was out there was too much.  I was afraid for a very long time.  And the fear was paralyzing.  When fear causes you to feel as though your daily life needs are only able to be met by closing down, then the place you find yourself in isn't a very kind one.

I was in hell.  And it was a hell I had created for myself because of the fear.  What did I learn?  I learned that my fear was based on something that, although I had a share in the blame, I did not own the entire thing.  I was not responsible for everything bad that had happened.  And that very understanding only came when I was able to admit to myself that I had held on to something that I should have let go of long ago. 

I won't go into detail to protect those who need protecting, including myself.  But I can say that when I think back over the last 20 years of my life I have never allowed myself to let go of things that I needed to.  Losing is hard for me.  I am the girl who hates losing because I felt like I've never won.  Over a span of 20 years I've felt enough loss to prove this mentality.  But that doesn't mean that I haven't learned how to lose without gaining. 

How do you gain anything when you've lost everything?  Well, that all depends on how open-minded you are.  Can you see beyond the wreckage?  Can you feel past the pain?  Can you trust that it will not stay?  That "this too will pass"?

I had to learn how to, otherwise I would have been destroyed.  I would have lost myself.

I recognized that leaving behind a life without an explanation would hurt people.  And I hope that one day I will have the courage to tell the story.  But today I'm grateful that I haven't lost who I am.

Who am I?  I am changed.  I have grown.  I know more, I've seen more, I've been through more.

I'm not who I was, and will never be that person again.  I've let go of some things that I never thought I would of had to.  But when I think about it, I'm actually relieved they're gone.  Life is slowly gaining back my trust.  People will take more time, but as I continue to move forward in time, I have hope that I will once again be able to believe that people are worth the risk. 

But until then, I continue on, growing in strength, and not allowing the dark to overwhelm me.

I AM SECOND, or atleast I'm gonna try to be...

I see these videos floating around about being second, and lately I'm wondering if that is the case in my life? Am I second?  Do I put Christ first?

The answer is no.  I haven't been.  The reason is because letting go is easier said than done.  Yes life is difficult and the help God brings is absolutely wanted, but stepping out of the way?  That's not my specialty.  My specialty is standing over God and telling Him He's missed a spot... as though He didn't already know.

Imagine I were in a race with God.  This imaginary race would only have two runners, me and God.  And I really need to be second, but I seriously want to be first!  That's my problem.  It's not my family or my friends or even my enemies.  It's not the world around me or the place that pays me, it's me.  ME, ME, ME.

I get in my own way.  I don't let God go first because I want what coming in first gives... the glory.  I want attention and gratitude.  I want people to show me affection and be thankful for me. Grateful for me, PROUD to know me.

Yikes.  That's horrible.  I am awful sometimes, there's no denying that.  And pinpointing all my misgivings is really very easy for me.  I could tell you many, many things right now that I have wrong with me.

But I won't.  Instead I'll tell you something else, I need to start getting this one right.  For a few months now I've been desperately seeking approval by anyone and everyone who would show it to me because I've lost something that I never really had anyway... respect for myself.  I'm not proud of myself, and I see no reason to be.  I'm my own worst enemy sometimes and it took my sister's words last night to kind of shake me out of my own pity party... I'm not too far gone.  I still have a lot to give, I just need to get this one thing right.

How can I be second?  By believing God when He says to let Him go first.  Life is one big dark hallway for me right now, and seriously, I need to put Him first.  I need to give the Light of the World a chance to get me through this dark hallway.  Why haven't I been in the first place?  Why am I crazy enough to not let Him light up my path?? Because I don't trust Him enough.  I've let go of my faith in Him.  I've started seeking approval and all those things elsewhere... like in my Facebook friends (no offense guys) or in Church connections (again, no offense) or in family (seriously, I'm not trying to be rude).  So really what I'm doing is putting people first, then me second then God's coming up behind me... imagine what that looks like for a minute... a large crowd of people... I can see their faces now, running this race with me, that was only meant for two, wow, now I can see why I feel so low lately, I'm really not second, I'm last, and God standing there with me saying, "why in the world do you want to live like this?"

I don't want to live like that.  In fact, this is probably the worst I've ever felt.  I spend my days worrying about how everyone else thinks of me, wondering why they don't talk to me, or worrying about whether talking to someone might make someone else upset.

My head is a blur, and my heart is a disaster.  I HATE living like this.  And I want out.

So really, how can I be second if I'm putting everyone else first?  Well, I'm going to have to do the thing that has been nagging at my heart for a while now... I have to put God first.  For real.  I have to do what pleases Him, not me.  I have to stop and think before I do something... anything... is this putting God first?  And even simple things like watching a TV show or playing a game, making dinner, getting ready to leave, shoveling snow, changing my car oil... all those daily life routine things can get in the way of putting God first.  How?  By not paying attention, or giving glory, to Him.  My life revolves around me right now, or more accurately it revolves around how others feel about me.  So in all things that I do, I find myself worrying whether others will like me because of it, or if it will cause them to not like me.

WHY DO I EVEN STINKIN CARE???

Yep.  I'm stuck in a dead end cycle.  So now I'm going to do my best to end the cycle.  I'm going back to my old ways of thinking... with God as my boss, and His opinion as the only one that matters.  Today marks the beginning of something that's going to be difficult, but it'll be worth it.

Clearing out

I've reached a point where everything I thought was mine is not.

I've lost many things that meant a lot.

BUT, it doesn't feel hopeless. Instead I have a feeling that Spring is going to bring a lot of newness into my life.

Yes a lot has changed, but what really matters has not.  And what really matters?

I used to have this feeling like I was barely hanging on by a thread, like all I had was slipping from my grasp, and when I only focused on what I was losing I really fell into a dark place.  Today that dark place is starting to see light.  What matters most is what helped break through the darkness.  And that is God.  With all that I've seen leave my life He has been a constant.

I want to share some hope with those who have been dealing with the same struggles.  If you feel like things are changing, like what you've been holding onto is slipping away don't despair!  Don't lose hope!  Why? Well because the One who holds onto you is much stronger than a thin thread.  His grasp is infinite strength, and when you feel things are losing their grip on you that's not always a bad thing.

Change has a way of working it's way into our life.  Just as the fall comes to prepare for winter, we have seasons in our life that prepare us for the bare season.  I've just come through my own personal bare season.  Things have changed so dramatically I wondered how I was even going to survive... whether I was going to come back from such starkness.

Think of yourself as a tree.  Trees are wonderful things, but here in New England trees only grow to be lush and green because of the changing seasons.  From seeds to small plants, each stage it has a season of bareness, a season where it has no leaves and is left to weather the cold and ice of winter.  But a tree is not made strong from it's leaves, no, it gains it's strength from its roots.  And if it's roots are strong enough they are capable of growing in any climate, and any environment.

My roots are deep in the soil of Christ.  As much as I've had fall from my grasp I still stand firm and planted in His Words and Truth.  NOTHING can take me from it because His Words and Truth are eternal, without an end.  His love is eternal and unconditional, and that is my soil.  As my roots grow stronger each year, it doesn't matter that the winter comes, because I know that Spring always returns.

And let that serve as a reminder that as things are taken out of your life it is only to make room for new things.

"I've got this"

God used a pretty random place to encourage me today.  I wanted to do Yoga because I've been pretty stressed out lately.  (Can't really even begin to explain the strains and pressure that I've been under.  So I won't release the flood of details to drown you in.) So I found myself on Amazon.com looking for instructional DVD's... not before hitting good old Google to see if I can figure it out myself... I can't... so I decided to buy a DVD.  Then tricky little Amazon dangled some bait in front of my eyes about getting free shipping if I ordered only $3.82 more!! So I went hunting for a phone case... nothing really caught my eye, then I remembered a book I read while in Kenya, but couldn't remember the name of it.  Haven't really read a book in a while that I liked, so I decided to go to my trusty favorite Author... Max Lucado.  I put in his name and the first thing that popped up was the book;

"You'll get through this: Hope and help for your turbulent times."

Now maybe it was a coincidence and had nothing to do with anything.  Believe what you want, but at that moment the words coming from my screen made a whole lot of sense and brought me to tears.

Goodness is my heart heavy lately.

I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I'm more sensitive than ever.  Why?  Because I've been shaken.  Life has burnt me, broken me, tormented me... and won't let up.  The minute the dust clears from one attack I barely have time to take cover for another.

I feel like I'm fighting a war.

My biggest battle has been going on for a few months now, and I was doing my best to keep from surrendering to the things that are trying to take me down, but I was barely hanging on.

Or so I thought.

One thing God has been trying to get through to me lately is that His grip on my life is not circumstantial. His hands are not wimpy, and His words are not fleeting.

My life may seem to be in the midst of a storm, but I can't help still trusting Him.  And I believe Him when He says that "He's got this".

And that's what He keeps telling me.

"Dry your tears.  I've got this."

But that makes me cry more.  Because I can't help it.

When I thought of my future I had dreams.  I wanted so much.  But then life happened and I had to put it on hold.  All the expectations that go along with choosing to raise my son had pushed my plans further to the future.

Ok, I said.  I'll wait.  I'll just raise my son.  And then I started planning his future.  I never expected that I'd have to deal with life changing those plans!  But it has.  Alas I'm having to deal with other things.  Instead of buying baseball gloves and shoes for practice or worrying about sport schedules I have other kinds of scheduling struggles.  Struggles that I'm not proud of and that I want to go away.  But they won't.  Ever.

So then God comes back in... "Stop worrying, I have a plan, I've got this"

And I hear God, but I'm still crying, because I can't help it. I've got too much on my mind.

Then I remember other things.  Things like, how many times did I say I'd be patient and wait?  How many times did I say I would be strong and hold to my convictions?  And then the waiting started.  And it's still going on.  Years later.  I'm going to believe, I said.  No matter what.  And the "what"?  Is the waiting.  No matter the "waiting".  Friend after friend getting married, having babies... and I wait.  Because that's not what my life is about right now, and I'm okay with that... sometimes...  but then sometimes I'm not...

And I hear God again... "Keep waiting Jocelynn, it's all part of the plan, I've got this."

So I take a deep breath, but I'm still crying, because I'm tired.  And sad.  And overwhelmed.  I want it to end.  I want the "missiles of life" to stop dropping on me.  I want the waiting to end, and I want the sadness to go away.

What's my lesson today?  Though the heart is heavy, it still beats.  Though the tears are many, there are still reasons to smile.  And though things seem darkest than ever... it's always darkest before the dawn.  The sun will rise. Winter will end, and this season has a purpose for good.

No matter the struggles, strength doesn't come when you give up, it comes when you keep going.  And even if the answer is not what you expected that shouldn't make you stop trying.  There are no cookie-cutter lives.
We all have our bumps and bruises, some are just more visible than others.

And remember what God said.  "I've got this."

An unexpected apology.

The last post I made stirred up some stuff. I'm sure I ruffled some feathers, and I know it struck some nerves. But one thing remains; I was being honest about some hurt that I had been dealing with.

I didn't mean to cause offense.  It wasn't meant to be hurtful to others. But it did.

A few days ago God reminded me of something I needed reminding of.. His mercies are new every morning.

I had a squabble with a co-worker the day before. It wasn't anything horrible, it was just an uncomfortable issue that made me feel disrespected and maybe a little like my presence was worthless. Or maybe that I wasn't good at my job. Which was stupid really, it was the result of stress and anxiety built up over a rough night and I shouldn't have taken it personally, but I did.  I had a bad feeling in my stomach afterward and I just felt so upset by it. I went home not feeling much better. The next morning as I was driving to work I was talking to God about it. I found myself thinking about a poem written on the walls of Mother Theresa's home for children in Calcutta, India.

 People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway. 
  If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.
  If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.
  If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.
  What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.
  If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.
  The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.
  Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway. 

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.   

It was never between you and them anyway.

It's true you know.  And the more I thought about it the more I realized I didn't want what happened to effect the kind of person I am trying to be. I have worked hard to be honest and truthful, but I've also worked hard to be a person of integrity. I knew even if I was the one wronged I needed to apologize for reacting the way that I did. I can't control other people, but I can control myself. So when I got to work I walked I over to where this person was and was following through on my intention to apologize... But something unexpected happened. She apologized to me. I was caught off guard, definitely, because I had already made up in my mind that I may not be well received. 

What hit me most was that this apology did more than fix the issue with this person.. It made me realize that I don't know what's going on with other people and I shouldn't automatically assume everyone is my enemy or that they aren't going to do the right thing.

I was wrong about judging her.  I admit it.  What this does for my other issue is help me see from another perspective.  I've done a lot of reflecting these last few weeks.. months even.. and I'm seeing something in myself that I'm not proud of through all of this.  What is that?  I expect other people to be untrustworthy.  I expect them to fail me, and to not be reliable.

Over the years I've had to face a life of being responsible for everything.  I couldn't rely on others.  Some people call that independence and that it's a good thing.  And I don't completely disagree, but I do think that at some point we all need to realize that we can't go at life believing that we can't rely on others.

It's called "Inter-dependence".  Bleh.  What a mouthful.  Especially for a stubborn, introvert like me.  What does inter-dependence mean?

in·ter·de·pend·ent  [in-ter-di-pen-duhnt]    
(adjective is a describing word.. )  
Mutually dependent; depending on each other. Taken from Dictionary.com

I like how this word is defined.  "Mutually dependent" Meaning it's not one person's actions, it's the actions of everyone involved. Those depending on each other all working together.  Like an ant farm.

I believe that's why that apology was so successful.  I wasn't the only one willing to admit my faults.

In a perfect world this interdependence thing would rule.  We would all recognize the power in numbers.  I recognized it early on in my life, but was always disappointed.  Mostly by the people who wouldn't really be reliable anyway.  But when I found myself in a church full of people that I could rely on the damage had already been done.  I wasn't open to letting them into my life.

So I spent years trying to overcome my issue of not trusting others, and then everything started to change in our church, as time tends to do, and just didn't know it at the time, but it was affecting me in a negative way.  I realized last night another very unattractive quality that had somehow found its way into my heart around that time... I expected these people to fix me.  I felt broken and that this church was going to fix me.

NOW LISTEN CLOSELY.  I am NOT saying this is a bad church. Everyone has their faults, but I am by no means saying that they are not a good place to go.  This is just MY experience with MY faults, and MY issues that added together created this monster inside of ME.  I know for a fact that this place has been a great help to a lot of people.  So DO NOT write the church off by what I say.  You should never ever judge something by someone else's experience without really looking into it for yourself.  OK?? OK.

So anyway, I expected this church and the people to fix me, but what I realized is that it's not up to them to fix me.  It's up to Jesus.  HE is the Healer, not them.  HE is the Savior, NOT THEM.  So I put all this pressure on these people that they didn't know about, but I'm sure they felt it, and when things didn't go as I had wanted (which is just what would happen when you put your faith in people and not God) I was so very confused and broken and hurt.  And I thought they were the ones who had broke me.

That's what that last post pretty much was about.  I was pointing the finger at them.  And now I know just how wrong I was.  I'm sorry that I had put that on them.  In all honesty I hadn't realized at that moment why I was feeling that way.  And now that I understand my pain a bit more I am able to clearly go forward with the healing.

And I can't wait for these feelings to finally be gone.