Win that battle!

This is a post I wrote on August 25, 2011.. I thought is was worth repeating.

~ 8 While the people of Israel were still at Rephidim, the warriors of Amalek attacked them. 9 Moses commanded Joshua, “Choose some men to go out and fight the army of Amalek for us. Tomorrow, I will stand at the top of the hill, holding the staff of God in my hand.”

10 So Joshua did what Moses had commanded and fought the army of Amalek. Meanwhile, Moses, Aaron, and Hur climbed to the top of a nearby hill. 11 As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. 12 Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. 13 As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle. Exodus 17:8-13~

This is a story of triumph, but most of all a story of those who were willing to lay down their own agenda and work together.

It gets straight and to the point when the chapter begins.  The Israelites where in trouble, Moses wasted no time deliberating, instead he took action.  It says nowhere in the chapter about Moses contemplating what to do either, he just knew.  In the past the staff he was given gave him victory over many things.  It was what God used to convince the Egyptians to let the Israelite’s go, and just in the previous chapter all he did was strike a rock and water flowed from it.  So Moses didn’t even think twice, there was a battle ahead of them, he grabbed the staff and held it up as Joshua and some of the men went to fight.  By the way, does it mention Joshua second-guessing Moses? Nope.  Joshua just went right out and did what he was told.  Then we read of Moses dropping his hand and that led to the Amalekites gaining the advantage… so Moses must have just been like, “Oh well, I tried.” Right?  Of course not!  In that moment Aaron and Hur put two and two together and realized that Moses needed to keep that staff held up if they were going to win the battle!  So not only did they stand by him, but they first gave him a stone to sit on, a place of rest!  Then they stood on each side of him and held up his hands together.

What an emotionally empowering moment.  Imagine a time in your life when you knew something had to be done, but was unable to go through it alone… now imagine you have not one but two amazing people willing to stay with you through it, giving you rest, and encouragement until it was done!  Now there are a handful of people this story names, and each one of them had to give something up in order to do what was required of them.  Joshua and his men had to drop what they were doing and go fight a battle, one that lasted ALL DAY. And it sounds like this battle was a see-saw.  Then there was Moses, having to stand at the top of a hill and hold up a staff.  You try holding up your arm for a few minutes, before long you’re gonna get tired!  But Moses had to do it until the sun went down.  So along come Aaron and Hur.  They both know the situation and step up to help their leader because they knew he needed it.

We are all called to something, whether it’s being the Moses who has the staff to hold up, or Joshua who goes forward into battle, or Aaron and Hur who simply stood by the side of their leader when he needed it most.  They each played a part, and they were successful because not one second-guessed the need.  They all stepped up and did what needed doing.

If there is something you are facing, don’t go at it alone.  Find someone to help you through!  And if you know of someone who’s facing a battle and they need help, don’t hesitate!  Go help them, because when it’s your turn to face the battle they will remember how you helped them.  Life is a battle, are you doing whatever it takes to win?

Testing 123

This is a test of the emergency Jossyb broadcasting system.  This is only a test.

What's the point? Part 1

I'm thinking back to a time when I was in the middle school..about 6th grade.  There was a girl there who was so desperate for an answer to her very difficult question.. what's the point of life?  I think about her now and wonder what happened to an 11 year old that gives her thoughts like that?  She would go on to say that everything was meaningless.. we wake up, we go to school, we learn, we go home, then go to bed, and then do it all over again.

That never left me.  And the reason it hit me as hard as it did was because I always wondered the same thing.  Some people would say that those who thought that way were suicidal.  But I disagree.  I didn't want to die.  Sometimes I messed around with the idea because I couldn't see a future for myself that I could attain.  All the things I wanted in life were so far from my reach, or just too much work.

Life took on no meaning after that, and I was just sort of on autopilot.  No purpose driving me, no meaning to fulfill my heart.  So I thought I needed what the shows I was watching had.. a boyfriend.  That's why my life had no meaning! I needed a man!  But then there was this other side of me that didn't believe that, and I just didn't have the guts to be that boy-chaser, so instead I sat in my lonely misery.

Did I ever tell you how I came to know Jesus?  I was 16 years old sitting in a youth group that my friend had brought me to with her boyfriend (I was forever the third wheel...it was awesome)(that was sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell) the only thing that stuck out was that I had just found out I was pregnant.  Yep.  I'd rather not tell the story because it's not my shining moment, but I will.  I had met a boy through my sister who seemed to like me.  The night I got pregnant I had chosen to go back with him instead of walking my sister home. The reason I feel so guilty is because it was all over the news that night that there was a convict on the loose behind my house where I lived... and I chose to let her walk home by herself.  Instead I went with this guy I had just met, who brought me back to his room in a basement with a mattress on the floor and nothing else.  I had no idea why I was with this guy.  And I really didn't want to be there, but he liked me, so I shut off that part in my mind that was screaming at me to get out of here and the next thing I know I've just lost my innocence.  I can't really explain what happened because I'm not really sure myself.

So weeks later when I find out I'm pregnant I was shocked.  Or maybe you could say I was in shock.  I had no emotional reaction except for the one I forced myself to have.  My friend was in the room with me when I found out and I felt like maybe being emotionless might look like I didn't care, so I pretended to be really angry.. but really I didn't feel anything.  I had been floating along in life at this point with no real emotion towards anything.  I had been told multiple times by family that we don't cry, and shown that emotions were bad.  So now I take you back to that night in youth group, as I was kneeling at the alter. There was a woman who had come up to pray with me and asked me what I needed prayer for.  I told her I didn't know how to tell my parents that I was pregnant, but the truth is I didn't really care about that.  I just didn't know how to live life anymore.  Things were happening and I was going the direction they were carrying me, like I was being swept away in a current and I wasn't fighting it.  The woman that prayed with me gave me a scripture that night.  One that I'm sure she was trying to give me to keep me from having an abortion, but what really happened was my eyes were opened to something else.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts,a God!  How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you. Psalm 139:13-18

A woman that was a stranger to me was answering a question that I could never answer... and it was found in the bible.

The question? Am I meaningless? Do I matter?

That's when it started.  Life was taking on this shape.. it started gaining meaning.  Instead of being this bag of bones walking around without purpose I was given a purpose in life.. I was given a goal to strive for.. to know this God who had created me and loved me.  He became my direction, and as long as I went toward Him good things happened.  My desire was to find Who was speaking this to me.  And year after year I got answers.  Sometimes they were harsh, and hurt, sometimes they were comforting.. but they were answers nonetheless.

Life isn't over yet.  There are more ways to know God, and that's just mind-boggling for me.. the fact that I can never fully understand or know God.  But I know one day I will see Him, face to face, and we'll have a long talk, and finally I'll see the point.

African air

I never got a chance to really talk about how Africa has affected my life and who I want to be.

Oh Africa.  How I do miss the air out there.  When I say air, I don't mean the kind you breathe, because as far as oxygen goes I don't think it was the greatest out there... especially with all the trash burning.  But the air I'm referring to was the feeling it produced.

While in Africa I got glimpses of a life I could have.  A person I could be.  I've never felt better than when I was over there.  There were moments when I really wished I was married because I didn't like being looked at like I was a piece of meat at a market, but heck, that never really happens here in America, so I guess it didn't feel awful **wink**.

No, Africa brought out a part of me that I really wasn't sure how to bring out in myself.  And that is the part that is not afraid to believe in God or practice my faith.  I almost feel ashamed to write that, but the truth is when I am here I am afraid to show that side.  I go to church and believe that God loves me, but I've never really demonstrated my faith.  I know a lot. I say a lot.  But I don't do a lot. If you're reading this and know me and think I'm being too hard on myself let me give you an example of why this was different in Africa.

There was a moment where I sat in a chair, a man to my left who was helping translate English to the children crowding in front of me to be interviewed.  The children were all standing in front of me on a stage made of concrete.  The walls that surrounded us were made of metal and wires.  This was one of the many slums of Nairobi, Kenya we had visited.  The children in front of me were no different than the children of America when it comes to dreams of growing up.  They wanted to be doctors, nurses, pilot's, professional soccer players, and more! These children captured my heart.  There was one child that came to me and when I finished interviewing her she seemed a little more quiet than any of the others.  In fact she had pretty much whispered all her answers to my questions.  I just wanted to know this little girl more.. so I asked her if there was anything she wanted me to know about her.  She answered that her mother was sick with a chest cold. She wanted me to pray for her.  I took this moment to practice the one thing I've always felt bound in... I brought her in front of me and told her the story of the man in the bible who asked Jesus to heal without even being there...

The Faith of a Roman Officer
When Jesus had finished saying all this to the people, he returned to Capernaum. At that time the highly valued slave of a Roman officer was sick and near death. When the officer heard about Jesus, he sent some respected Jewish elders to ask him to come and heal his slave. So they earnestly begged Jesus to help the man. “If anyone deserves your help, he does,” they said, “for he loves the Jewish people and even built a synagogue for us.”
So Jesus went with them. But just before they arrived at the house, the officer sent some friends to say, “Lord, don’t trouble yourself by coming to my home, for I am not worthy of such an honor. I am not even worthy to come and meet you. Just say the word from where you are, and my servant will be healed. I know this because I am under the authority of my superior officers, and I have authority over my soldiers. I only need to say, ‘Go,’ and they go, or ‘Come,’ and they come. And if I say to my slaves, ‘Do this,’ they do it.”
When Jesus heard this, he was amazed. Turning to the crowd that was following him, he said, “I tell you, I haven’t seen faith like this in all Israel!” And when the officer’s friends returned to his house, they found the slave completely healed. Luke 7:1-10nlt

And then I told her about Jesus giving us the power to do all He had done and more...

“Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father.“Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.“If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it. John 14:12-14

These are the scriptures to back up what I told her.  These scriptures were things that I just remembered in that moment and gave me faith to tell to her.  I asked her if we could pray for her mother in that moment, she said yes.  After telling her these truths from the bible I asked her if she believed, she said yes.  So I had all the children and some of my team come over and we all prayed for her mother.  It was strange, at the moment we were praying I could feel this little girls faith.  I almost feel like I understand what Jesus meant when He asked who had touched Him in the crowd of people...

A large crowd followed and pressed around him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.
At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”
“You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ”
But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:24-34

I felt this girls faith.  And at that moment I believed God's ability to heal this little girls mother.  Faith like that is hard to come by here.  I am surrounded by reminders of why not.  Why believe God for these things if there are hospitals and doctors and pills and so many remedies to help?  Don't get me wrong, I believe that these things can be very good and helpful.  But what about healing in an instant?  What about a faith where you believed and at that moment you believed it became true.  Sort of like a light switching on.  The light comes on and the darkness is gone.

And it's not just healing that held me back with belief.  I had nothing telling me how to be happy.  No advertisements telling me that if I didn't have this stupendous car or house or electronic device I couldn't possibly be happy.  None of that was there.  And yet they had the best fruit I've ever tasted.  And the best chicken I'd ever tasted! Dancing and singing came naturally to me there.  I found myself singing everywhere I went.  No I didn't have a fancy car driving me around, but I did have the company of friends who cared about me, friends who laughed with me, cried with me, and enjoyed the things we all saw together with me.

We were in Africa.  A place with the name of poverty written all over it.  A third world country full of despair and sadness?  But that's not what God showed me.

In fact, God showed me it was all a lie.  That continent has God's heart.  He loves Africa.  And it's not hard to see why.  Everywhere we went there were signs of a land who depended on Him.  The love for God was strong, and captivating.  The people seemed tired, but I think they might be starting to believe the lie too.  The truth is that the place I visited was beautiful.  The people were beautiful.  And I could finally breathe there.  (despite the air)

And now being home I'm remembering everything and I dream of returning to Africa so I can breathe again.  And it will definitely happen again soon.

Wavy lines of uniqueness..

Take a look at your fingertips.  See those sweet little lines? If you didn't already know those are your fingerprints.  If you ever get arrested those little lines are what the police need to keep track of you.  Why? Because you, my friend, have the only set of the lines on your hand.  That's right.  You have a very unique set of wavy lines that distinguish you from EVERY HUMAN BEING WHO HAS EVER LIVED AND WILL EVER LIVE.

WHOA.  Totally just blew your mind, didn't I?

Yep.  We are all that unique.  No one else has ever had (or will ever have) a set of fingerprints like yours.  You are unique from head to toe.  Cool, right?

So I was just realizing that this very fact also applies to our lives!  No two lives are alike.  Just like our fingerprints, we all have our own unique life.

No one thinks exactly like you.
No one lives your exact life.
No one has your exact personality, or your exact talents.
You are unique.
And the only model of you.

So don't you think that also means everyone learns differently?  Wouldn't that mean that we all need our very own lessons designed as uniquely as our fingerprints?

What has worked for you isn't necessarily going to work for me.  And vice, versa.  We are all in this life together, but together we experience things uniquely.

That still amazes me.  And what amazes me even more is that God is able to keep up.  I have learned over my walk with God the three most powerful explanations of His character. When looking up meanings this was the best explanation I've ever found.  It was written by Andrew S. Kulikovsky B.App.Sc.(Hons)

The term “omnipresence” is borrowed from Latin. It is a compound of omni, meaning “all,” and praesens, meaning “here.” Thus, God is always here, close to everything, next to everyone.1 This means that God is unlimited with respect to space. As Wayne Grudem puts it, “God does not have size or spatial dimensions and is present at every point of space with his whole being, yet God acts differently in different places."2 A. W. Tozer posits that fewer truths are so clearly taught in scripture.3  Indeed, the scriptures teach that even though the highest heavens cannot contain God (1 Kings 8:27), He is still nearby when we pray, unlike other Gods, which don’t even exist (Deuteronomy 4:7). Yet, God is not just nearby, He is in fact everywhere! He fills heaven and earth and no-one can hide from Him. There are no secret places where He is excluded (Jeremiah 23:23-24). The Psalmist summarises this truth beautifully:

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you

are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast (Psalm 139:7-10, NIV).

1 A. W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy (Carlisle: OM Publishing, 1987) 100.
2 W. A. Grudem, Systematic Theology (Grand Rapids, MIchigan: Zondervan, 1994) 173.
3 Tozer, 100.

Again, the term “omniscience” is borrowed from Latin. It is also a compound of omni, meaning “all,” and scienta, meaning “knowledge.” Grudem explains it in this way: “God fully knows himself and all things actual and possible in one simple and external act.”8 Or, as Tozer describes it, God knows “every possible item of knowledge concerning everything that exists or could have existed anywhere in the universe at any time in the past or that may exist in the centuries or ages yet unborn.”9  In other words, God is infinite in regard to knowledge. He knows Himself and all other things perfectly (Job 37:16), whether they be actual or merely possible, throughout all of time (Isaiah 46:10; 1 John 3:20b). He knows things immediately, simultaneously, exhaustively and truly.10 Since God knows all things perfectly, He knows nothing better than any other thing.11 Tozer adds that God knows instantly and effectively all matter and all matters, all mind and every mind, all spirit and all spirits, all being and every being, all creaturehood and all creatures, every plurality and all pluralities, all law and every law, all relations, all causes, all thoughts, all mysteries, all enigmas, all feeling, all desires, every unuttered secret, all thrones and dominions, all personalities, all things visible and invisible in heaven and in earth, motion, space, time, life, death, good, evil, heaven and hell.12 In addition, if God has perfect knowledge, He has no need to learn. Moreover, such perfect knowledge implies that God has never learned and, in fact, cannot learn.13 Thus, God does not need to reason toward His conclusions or ponder carefully over His answers.14 Indeed, Isaiah writes:

Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed him as his counselor? Whom did the LORD
consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding? (Isaiah 40:13-14, NIV)

Furthermore, the scriptures teach that God’s understanding is infinite (Psalm 147:5), and that all persons of the Trinity know each other perfectly (Matthew 11:27; 1 Corinthians 2:10-11). Nothing is hidden from God’s sight – everything is uncovered and laid bare before Him (Hebrews 4:13). The Lord watches all of Mankind and considers everything they do (Psalm 33:13-15). His eyes are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good (Proverbs 15:3). Each person’s attitudes, behaviour and choices are in full view of God (Proverbs 5:21). No thought, action, desire or motive can be hidden from Him – as the Psalmist explains:

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive
my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my
ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. (Psalm 139:1-4, NIV)

8 Grudem, 190.
9 Tozer, 77-78.
10 Thiessen, 81.
11 Tozer, 78.
12 Ibid.
13 Ibid. 76.
14 Grudem, 191.


As with the other omni terms, “omnipotence” is a Latin compound of omni, meaning “all,” and potens, meaning “power.” Grudem defines it in this way: “God’s omnipotence means that God is able to do all his holy will.”26  Omnipotence implies the possession of all power, and unlimited power. An omniscient God can do anything He pleases (Job 42:2) and is never exhausted. His power is unlimited in regard to both its extent and its magnitude. What is impossible for man is possible for God (Matthew 19:26). Nothing is too hard for Him (Jeremiah 32:17). Furthermore, anything can be done as easily as anything else, and all acts are done effortlessly.27  Note also that the possession of omnipotence does not demand its exercise: “God can do what he wills to do, but he does not necessarily will to do anything.” In other words, God has power over His power.28

24 Ibid. 362.

25 B. Leftow, “Time, Actuality and Omniscience” Religious Studies 26 (1990) 310.

26 Grudem, 216.

27 Tozer, 92.

28 Thiessen, 82.

(To read the full article refer here...www.kulikovskyonline.net/hermeneutics/omni.pdf)

Not a bad way to think about it.. am I right?? Honestly, the more I look at things the more I realize the only leading that's up to me is to lead people to Jesus.  What do I mean by that?  Well what I mean is that something that has convicted me and I've needed to work on in my life isn't necessarily going to be something you struggle with.  I should never tell someone what to take out of their life, rather I should lead them to a God who knows a person wholly and thoroughly and uniquely enough to know just what that person would need to grow a closer relationship with HIM, not me.  I am not the destination.  Just as John the Baptist said..

"30 He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.31 “He has come from above and is greater than anyone else. We are of the earth, and we speak of earthly things, but he has come from heaven and is greater than anyone else." John 3:30-31

Of course John was talking about Jesus.  And what I take from that scripture and this lesson is that I should never underestimate God, and I should never assume I know what someone else needs in their life.

The only exception is when a person has the gift of prophecy and God tells them to speak it to someone, but in the long run that's still God speaking.  And shouldn't be used lightly.

There's a big world out there full of people who think they know what's best for you.  And truthfully, "plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success." (Psalm 15:22).. but you have to always check in with the Shepherd.. don't rely solely on the sheep for advice.

Don't feed the monster!

I was just thinking about people over the years that have given in to the things that have pulled them away from God, and you know what? I can see why it happened.  Instead of surrendering to Christ and His teachings they gave in the monster.

Am I being harsh?  I don't think so.  I watched so many people crumble under the pressure of walking with Christ on their own, having no friends to carry them through and truly needing to rely on their own responsibility to build a relationship with Christ seemed to much for them.  It was easier to just do the things they were used to doing.  Not all bad things. And these people weren't terrible people.  They just had things in their life they were unwilling to admit needed to change.  And because of that the "monster" got bigger.  This monster put a wedge between them and God, and before they knew what was happening the monster was all they could see, so they accepted him as reality.

I've watched this happen to many friends, I've even had it happen to me.  But guess what?  That monster can be beaten!

When I started to want the easier things back it was usually because God was asking for more of me, and that wasn't an easy thing to do because that meant letting things go that I was so used to.  Things that even hurt me, but I just was so afraid to live without.  Example? Bread.  Yeah.  I can't have gluten because I have a less than pleasant reaction to it, and recently I've discovered I have to add dairy to that list.  Yeah, that means no pizza. Or pasta, or lasagna, or ravioli's... at least in the traditional sense.  I don't care what anyone says, it doesn't taste the same.  I use this example because it's probably the one thing that God has used to truly get my attention on how I usually eat my feelings.  When I'm feeling frustrated or angry or sad or whatever emotion I don't want to deal with I get this strong desire to eat a giant pizza, or lasagna, or bowl of pasta.. oh how those Olive Garden commercials hurt!  It's not really that great of food, but just seeing those ravioli's dripping with cheese stirs something in me.  And you know what I realized?  I feel like I can't be happy if I can't eat those things.  I really think that eating those things are what will make me happy!

That, to me, sounds like the thoughts of an addict.  But my desire for pasta became a problem a few years ago.  I started getting crazy reactions for what seemed like no reason.  I had rashes and cystic acne, God was it so embarrassing!  I started losing hair, and gaining weight like crazy.  My body felt like it was spinning out of control.  I always felt like I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown, and felt so mentally unstable that I could barely think. There were worse things, but I really don't want to go into detail.  The gyst? Lots of stuff was wrecking me on the inside and showing on the outside.  I went to the doctor because I started feeling like bugs were under my skin.  I thought I was going crazy, and I talked with her about all of my symptoms and the idea of maybe me having an intolerance to food was brought up.  So I began my journey of cutting the bread out of my diet.  Along with this God also gave me a great scripture to remind me He was on my side.. just wait.. I found it kind of ironic.

It was this: "I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever; and this bread, which I will offer so the world may live, is my flesh.” John 6:51NLT

Little weird, eating Jesus' flesh.. am I right?  Was Jesus asking me to be a zombie??? Gross! But no, that's not it at all.  Instead He was trying to teach me something.  And I was reading a commentary and they really captured exactly what I haven't been able to put to words of my experience this past year...
It's a commentary on the scripture Deuteronomy 8:3.. a scripture Jesus later quotes in Matthew and Luke.. a scripture stating that "man does not live on bread alone."  At first I thought God was making fun of me, but after reading that commentary I finally get it...

Keil and Delitzsch Biblical Commentary on the Old Testament
The humiliation in the desert consisted not merely in the fact that God let the people hunger, i.e., be in want of bread and their ordinary food, but also in the fact that He fed them with manna, which was unknown to them and their fathers (cf. Exodus 16:16.). Feeding with manna is called a humiliation, inasmuch as God intended to show to the people through this food, which had previously been altogether unknown to them, that man does not live by bread alone, that the power to sustain life does not rest upon bread only (Isaiah 38:16; Genesis 27:40), or belong simply to it, but to all that goeth forth out of the mouth of Jehovah. That which "proceedeth out of the mouth of Jehovah" is not the word of the law, as the Rabbins suppose, but, as the word כּל (all, every) shows, "the word" generally, the revealed will of God to preserve the life of man in whatever way (Schultz): hence all means designed and appointed by the Lord for the sustenance of life. In this sense Christ quotes these words in reply to the tempter (Matthew 4:4), not to say to him, The Messiah lives not by (material) bread only, but by the fulfilment of the will of God (Usteri, Ullmann), or by trusting in the sustaining word of God (Olshausen); but that He left it to God to care for the sustenance of His life, as God could sustain His life in extraordinary ways, even without the common supplies of food, by the power of His almighty word and will. (Courtesy of Bible Suite @ www.bible.cc)

What I've taken from this is that God has been trying to get me to stop feeding myself the things that literally made me sick both physically and mentally, but also spiritually.  That side of me was a growing monster and it was trying it's hardest to get in between me and God.  It wasn't easy to recognize it because I didn't want to admit the thing to take out of my life was something that I used to help cope with emotions.  Am I upset? That's ok, I should eat some cookies.  Am I frustrated? Have a bowl of spaghetti, then wash it down with some delicious chocolate milk...

All the while that monster was gnawing my life away.

When I finally surrendered to Christ and gave up gluten I was back to myself within a week.  It's been almost a year and I've dropped 30 lbs.  My hair is growing like crazy again, my cystic acne is healing, I don't feel like I have bugs under my skin anymore, and I feel freer than ever.

Sure it still stinks that I can't eat those things, and there are days when I miss it so much that I have a hard time remembering why I gave it up... but now I'm going to remember.  Man does not live by bread alone, but on every word that comes from the Lord.

And I'd like to think God had an alterior motive for saying that, because Jesus, Himself, is the word of the Lord made flesh (John 1:14).. maybe God was trying to say He wants me to devour the Word?  Maybe that's what Jesus meant by saying I must eat His flesh?  Maybe the Word, made flesh, wanted me to live by what He said.  Maybe He was saying that He sustains me, not bread. Maybe?

Maybe.

But one thing remains.  Those that choose to feed the monsters in their life are also making the choice to put distance between themselves and God.  And I find it funny that those same people still ask why they can't feel God anymore?  Maybe it's because instead of starving the very thing that separates you you're choosing to feed it, and now its so big it's all you can see?  Maybe?

Maybe.

Two faced

I can't even believe the things that have been going through my mind these last few months.

To say I'm overwhelmed would be putting it lightly.

I found myself up thinking about all the things that have had an impact on me.  And I came to this conclusion: I am two-faced.

I have two sides to me.  On one side there's the part I was born into.  I was born into a certain family with certain family things.  Everyone has this side.  Everyone has a mother and a father.  Unless you were completely created out of thin air, you have a mother and a father.  Not my point, but just saying.  Anyway.  That side of me was content.  I didn't know any better than what I had in front of me.  I had the normal things any normal girl would have.  I lived an average life.

But slowly I started figuring out that life was much deeper than I thought, and that has messed me up.

That's when my other side started showing up.  A side that couldn't help but wonder, where did all this come from?  Why do trees grow?  Why are there clouds?  The why's were so strong, and I decided to go after answers.

Years and years of digging, and I'm still not done.  All I'm sure of now is that I am at war with myself.  I feel those two sides colliding and fighting each other all the time.  The side that wants to just be.  Do what I want and go where I want with no consequences.  I tell myself I am an adult.  Why worry?  But that pesky other side is there with reasons.  I feel a desire to be good and moral.  I want to have integrity and be trustworthy.  There's this whole side of me that wants to break away from that other side because it brings me back to a place that made me miserable.

So I fight.  Inside of me is a warzone.  And I've had many casualties in the form of scars on my heart and mind.  I've pushed away friends and family because of this.  Sometimes I think I'm crazy, but then I see others who deal with the same thing and wonder... if I'm not the only one why does no one talk about it?

It seems to me that if there is a metaphorical two lives inside of me, well I'm gonna have to feed one and not the other because I can't live with them both.  But that has obvious consequences that scare me.

If I feed the old me then I'm at risk of going back to my misery.  I was not happy as that girl.  She was lonely, sad, and depressed.  She felt empty all the time, and couldn't help herself.
But the old me is my only connection to those I know I will lose if I choose to leave her behind.  Knowing I will lose them is too horrible to completely let her go.

If I feed the new me I will grow stronger and wiser.  I know I will be happier, and I always feel loved, strengthened and cared for.  I know I am not alone, and I haven't felt that depression come back.
But the new me is separated from those that have not followed me to this new life.  They do not know this new me, and have shown no interest in getting to know her beyond supporting my choice to change.


Living with two faces is going to rip me in half, unless I choose.  It's a constant battle.  Every day.  Some days are harder than others, but my hope is that eventually it will get easier.  Until then there's going to be a girl who is in the battle of a lifetime.  I know which side of me should win, but that doesn't make it any easier.