The Ugly Truth

I went into this day thinking positively, after all, it is Easter.

I was going to church in my new pretty dress, then I was going to go have dinner with my family.

The day was going to be filled with good things.

It was filled with good things, but good things are not always fun.

Church was good, I loved the message.  I left ready to go have dinner with my family.  As I drove to my parents house I had the s.. l..o..w..e..s..t car in front of me.  I got to my parents and found no one was really there, except family that I don't really talk to.  I sat in my car and called my sisters to see where they were, silently praying someone would pick up and save me.

No one did.

I felt silence from all around me.  Almost like I had eyes from heaven waiting to see what I would do with this situation.  But like a creature of habit I did what felt comfortable, I stayed in my bubble.  I went inside, but did not speak to anyone.  Not because of bad feelings, I just didn't feel comfortable.

One of my sisters eventually came and sat with me.  We chatted a bit, then the family members I didn't feel comfortable with had to leave.

It's a custom in our family to say our goodbyes.  My issue with being uncomfortable wasn't going to make a great case to my parents, but then the situation became awkward, and by the time it was over all that was left behind was tension, anger, and hurt feelings.

I'd like to say I did the Christian thing, but unfortunately I did not.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear when things that test my obedience to God's word arise.  I would like to be "Neutral" and be exempt from ever having to deal with the hairy stuff.

As the events of earlier today unfolded I almost felt like I was not really there, I was watching it from somewhere else.  I watched myself sit there and not react in the appropriate way.  I knew it was not nice, and yet I didn't change my actions.

Here I now sit asking myself; Why?  What really happened today? It's a bit of a blur now, and I almost have no idea what happened.  But it begs the question, am I really sure God would be okay with my choice of action?  After all, I know they know I'm a Christian, and I know that's the first thing people usually say when I screw up... Aren't you a Christian?  Almost like I'm some perfect robot who doesn't make mistakes.

The Ugly Truth?  I'm not perfect.  I screw up... STILL. All the time.  I say the wrong thing, and do the wrong thing, and struggle with who I am constantly.

It's a lot of pressure.  Doing the right thing.  And it's not easy.  It takes courage to step out of your comfort zone and do that thing that makes you uncomfortable.

I guess that would make me a coward.

I do feel like one right now.  What was it Paul says? ...


"For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate." 
Romans 7:15 NASB


I just don't get it.  Why is it so hard to learn what's right to do, and then PRACTICE IT?

Reality?  Practicing what you preach is not easy.  It means swallowing your pride, humbling yourself, and to be willing to "turn the other cheek" when what you really want to do when someone hurts you is to hurt them back.

I saw two things when I was processing the troubles from earlier today.

1.. was that I carry baggage that keeps my hands busy when it comes to this particular situation and all the people involved.  The baggage is full of heavy thoughts of previous hurts from the past that magically appear every time I'm around them.  If you look in the bags all you're gonna see is years gone by, and words exchanged that have lingered and poisoned my heart in such a way that it effects the relationships.
How do you put that stuff down?  When it's been YEARS?  I guess logically, God wants me to give those bags to Him.  But that would mean I'd have nothing holding me back, and I'd have to change... whoa.. that's not an easy thought...

And that brings me to 2.. God is way beyond imaginable with His mercy, grace, love, compassion and all the good things He is and does.
I only have to deal with the surrounding relationships in my life, but God? He is connected to EVERYONE... AT ALL TIMES... IN ALL WAYS.
He knows the intricate and intimate details of everyone's heart and mind, He knows our motives, He knows our pasts.. He knows we are a broken people.. and yet He never tires of us.  He's always there with His mercy as soon as we need it.. always there to forgive as soon as we ask.. always there to comfort us when we needed comforting.. and not only is He there, but He knows exactly how to deliver each one of those things, individually, according to the need of every heart and mind, in a way that is good for our lives.

I have a long way to go in my journey to become more like Jesus.  I can't even keep my own personal life straight.  I'm constantly having to correct myself, and work on my behavior. Am I always going to make such dumb mistakes??

I wish I did the right thing today.  Now the day is over, and I'll have to go to bed knowing my mistake and the hurt it caused.

I did ask forgiveness.  And God reminds me that although I felt His conviction on my heart, I should not condemn myself.  No, conviction is to make me aware of what I've done wrong.  But I'm not condemned.  And that was why Jesus died on the cross so long ago. He died to "take away the sins of the world".  I just have to admit my crime, yet He's already paid the price.

Amazing, right?  Yeah.  I almost feel like I should suffer, but Jesus already did the suffering... crazy.. it almost doesn't seem right.  Shouldn't I suffer for my sins?  Shouldn't I pay?

It seems planned that this would fall on this day.

The Truth is not always pretty.  I felt pretty ugly as the truth of where my heart really is was revealed.

I'm still a work in progress.  The story of my life.  I'm not perfect.  I'm still going to mess up,

BUT....

"For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning" Psalm 30:5 ESV

Just like Jesus rose from the grave, I too must rise and carry on.  I'm willing to bet I'm headed into some stormy seas with the events of this day... but I do recall a story of Jesus calming a sea or two.. maybe I don't have to go into it alone... ;)