It's been quite the eye-opening couple of weeks for me. I never imagined I'd think the things I do lately. But it's a constant thing nowadays..
We take life for granted, don't we? That's really not a surprise for most of us - and sometimes we do things in the same time frame of realizing we are taking life for granted. Why do we do that?? Why not live differently?
My excuse? I blame the world we live in. Almost as if the world can control my actions. Crappy excuse, I know. You don't have to tell me that. So what would I change about how I live my life if I could only stop caring about my surrounding distractions?? I'd stop feeling like I'm missing out if I don't have a fancy up-to-date electronic display in my living room. Why should I care about my lack of flat screens or blu-ray players? And YES, I still have a VHS that I USE. Do those things really make anyone any happier? Or a life any better? I highly doubt it. My lack of possessions really shouldn't have an effect on my attitude towards life.
It's funny how all it takes is a walk or a hike outside to bring me back to reality. Or discovering how I was planned on before I even came to be! Yes, I believe this, and it's no secret that I believe in a God who, I believe, is the One who created me. Every time I think about God it just brings this sense of worth that nothing else could ever bring for me. He quiets my crazy fears, and grounds my anxieties. He makes me feel pulled together, and confident. For a girl that has always felt like everything falls apart and brings stress that's huge.
God has completely changed me from the inside out. He's changed not only the way I think, but the way I act too. And the best part? It was never forced by Him. I was called gently to Him. At times He can be strict, yes, but what Father who truly loves their child and doesn't want them making horrible decisions that could kill them or worse, wouldn't discipline their child? Real love needs to show discipline- the right way. I've never felt pressured to be or do anything by Him. Any pressure I've felt has only been from myself. Any stress was totally self-inflicted. And whenever I would start to be extra hard on myself for something God would take that opportunity to help remind me of His ways, and His word, and what it says to me about who I am. In His awesome way I've been remade.
I know there are those that believe He's this big bad monster up on mount doom just waiting to smite us with His "mighty smiting pen" hehe.. ;) I know an old friend who would laugh at that...
Almost like He's this crazy, controlling sycophant standing by and watching as all the bad things happen to us. Like He's this God who "let's things happen for a reason". And if you believe that I'm not saying your wrong, I'm just saying in my experience I have a hard time believing that. The reason I feel this way isn't simple, but I do think I have valid reasons. And life is one of them. Another big one is consequence.
If you're still with me, let me explain my thoughts. We all have the freedom to choose, right? We can't blame God when we choose to do something that has negative effects, and yet, I think we do.
Both life and consequence share our current reality. From the beginning of time there have been humans choosing and acting according to their choices. Whatever the motive, their has always been a consequence, whether good or bad. You with me so far? Ok. So, imagine in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve were surrounded by this amazing lush land with every good thing they could imagine, then they are presented with a choice. To eat from a tree that was forbidden. God did not force them to not eat it, nor did the snake force them TO eat it. They exercised something that was given to them: the right to choose. And the consequence was obviously bad. From that day on it was just a snow ball rolling down a hill. Things kept getting worse, and worse. Effecting lives of people, and animals.. it effected landscape, and weather. EVERYTHING was effected eventually. Fast forward to now you'll see we are living with an ancient consequence that is now so humongous there's no escaping it.
Thoughts? Do I seem crazy?? Well. Guess what? I'm not done. But this is a lot more than I intended to say, and since I really want to make a valid argument this will, again, be continued.. and I'm sorry, but I'm afraid this will never be concluded. Not as long as I have breath.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Life continues.
I've been waiting to finish my thoughts from my last entry because I wasn't really sure what it was I wanted to say.
Here's the thing; I can't just write to write. I need there to be a purpose. You know? I can just imagine someone on the other end tolerating what's here now saying.. ok ok get to the point already.
So my point? Well, for this entry I'm going to touch on the beginning of the entry "Feeling so exposed".
We all struggle. We all have a horror story worthy of hearing.
We share so many common threads in our lives. We are all born, we all live, we all die. But that experience is different for every person. Life is such a sensitive issue, I believe, because we all desire it. Think about it. Don't you desire to live? Even those who are suicidal share that same thought... they desire a life. Not struggle. Not sadness. Or pain, or failure, or to be let down, or abused, or treated unfairly, or feel alone, or unwanted. I think it's safe to say we all share the desire to have a life without those things.
Happiness. Health. The feeling of being loved. Supported; understood, strengthened. We all desire good things. I honestly do not believe there is anyone out there who outright desires completely bad things. There are those that portray that, but deep down, it's like we were built to desire life and the good things to be found in it.
Why are happily ever after tales such a hit? You ever think about that phrase? Ever after. What exactly does that mean?
Well. Thank you Dictionary.com! Because I was able to look those two words up separately and can break it down a little bit for you!
Ever: adverb at all times; continuously
After: adverb later in time
So in all those fairy tale stories, the end They lived happily ever after actually says;
They lived happily continuously later in time?
Yeah. I liked how it says originally too, but sometimes we take words out of context, and the meaning loses it's worth.
You ever tell someone you're going to love them forever? What about using the phrase bff? "Best Friend Forever".
We all know what forever means.. it means never ending.
You ever wonder why we have such things in our hearts or minds? It's almost like we have eternity "written" in our hearts. Endings feel so wrong, so foreign. Almost like they are cheating us. Every time a life ends it almost seems like a robbery has taken place. Why must there be death??
I told you my view on life's beginning.. that there really is no beginning. We all came into existence, but were planned before our time came. I don't think that seems crazy. I think it makes me feel worth a lot more than this world ever could make me feel. It's almost like there's this feeling like I matter. And you matter, and everyone matters, and we are all here because we were supposed to be. You know, because why else would there be women born with specific eggs that contain the materials that would be joined with a specific sperm that would one day create a totally unique DNA?
Science might have a problem with that. I'm sure any scientific expert would love to argue this point with me. But does it grab you in a deep place to think about the fact that for some reason, beyond anything you could imagine, you were created ON PURPOSE? That you are here because you were PLANNED? And I'm not talking about your parents planning you. Yeah, they can plan for a little boy or girl, but beyond that, your characteristics are not planned on by them. Your love of music? Your ability to paint? Your attention to detail that allows you to create cool things? Yeah. I'm sure mom and dad nurtured those things, but they didn't put those abilities inside you. They existed before you even took your first breath of this planet earth's oxygen.
We are these teeny, tiny things on this teeny, tiny planet.. in a small part of a gigantic ever expanding universe, yet the attention to detail in each person, unique only to them, is so finely crafted.. like it was hand picked.
Wow. You know? Why not believe stuff like that? You are a wondrous creation. There is so much about you that is a miracle, there's no denying it.
mir·a·cle
Here's the thing; I can't just write to write. I need there to be a purpose. You know? I can just imagine someone on the other end tolerating what's here now saying.. ok ok get to the point already.
So my point? Well, for this entry I'm going to touch on the beginning of the entry "Feeling so exposed".
We all struggle. We all have a horror story worthy of hearing.
We share so many common threads in our lives. We are all born, we all live, we all die. But that experience is different for every person. Life is such a sensitive issue, I believe, because we all desire it. Think about it. Don't you desire to live? Even those who are suicidal share that same thought... they desire a life. Not struggle. Not sadness. Or pain, or failure, or to be let down, or abused, or treated unfairly, or feel alone, or unwanted. I think it's safe to say we all share the desire to have a life without those things.
Happiness. Health. The feeling of being loved. Supported; understood, strengthened. We all desire good things. I honestly do not believe there is anyone out there who outright desires completely bad things. There are those that portray that, but deep down, it's like we were built to desire life and the good things to be found in it.
Why are happily ever after tales such a hit? You ever think about that phrase? Ever after. What exactly does that mean?
Well. Thank you Dictionary.com! Because I was able to look those two words up separately and can break it down a little bit for you!
Ever: adverb at all times; continuously
After: adverb later in time
So in all those fairy tale stories, the end They lived happily ever after actually says;
They lived happily continuously later in time?
Yeah. I liked how it says originally too, but sometimes we take words out of context, and the meaning loses it's worth.
You ever tell someone you're going to love them forever? What about using the phrase bff? "Best Friend Forever".
We all know what forever means.. it means never ending.
You ever wonder why we have such things in our hearts or minds? It's almost like we have eternity "written" in our hearts. Endings feel so wrong, so foreign. Almost like they are cheating us. Every time a life ends it almost seems like a robbery has taken place. Why must there be death??
I told you my view on life's beginning.. that there really is no beginning. We all came into existence, but were planned before our time came. I don't think that seems crazy. I think it makes me feel worth a lot more than this world ever could make me feel. It's almost like there's this feeling like I matter. And you matter, and everyone matters, and we are all here because we were supposed to be. You know, because why else would there be women born with specific eggs that contain the materials that would be joined with a specific sperm that would one day create a totally unique DNA?
Science might have a problem with that. I'm sure any scientific expert would love to argue this point with me. But does it grab you in a deep place to think about the fact that for some reason, beyond anything you could imagine, you were created ON PURPOSE? That you are here because you were PLANNED? And I'm not talking about your parents planning you. Yeah, they can plan for a little boy or girl, but beyond that, your characteristics are not planned on by them. Your love of music? Your ability to paint? Your attention to detail that allows you to create cool things? Yeah. I'm sure mom and dad nurtured those things, but they didn't put those abilities inside you. They existed before you even took your first breath of this planet earth's oxygen.
We are these teeny, tiny things on this teeny, tiny planet.. in a small part of a gigantic ever expanding universe, yet the attention to detail in each person, unique only to them, is so finely crafted.. like it was hand picked.
Wow. You know? Why not believe stuff like that? You are a wondrous creation. There is so much about you that is a miracle, there's no denying it.
mir·a·cle
noun
1. an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.
2. such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of God.
3. a wonder, a marvel
I like 3. We are a wonder, a marvel. How our bones and muscle tissue and cartilage all come together to make up our body. Our organs, working in unison, functioning all in order to sustain life. With the core as a heart. What a magnificent organ, the heart. It's function is mind-boggling. I've been witness to some strong hearts, beating even though the odds were against it. Where does the heart get its ability to beat? Why does it start? Why does it stop?
I can't help but think about these things. Life has me captive. I am constantly seeking answers. We know how thinks tick, but not where it gets its tick from. There are those who just accept that its all random. It just started. With no help, coincidentally, and continues until it stops.
This is not a good enough answer for me. I'm going to bed. But I promise.. this will probably be concluded as some point. Just not tonight.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Something where there was nothing...
I've been going over in my mind how to continue my last entry. Life is not an easy topic. So I thought I'd begin where I ended. Understanding our beginning.
I've seen lives end. I've seen last breaths taken. I've watched the heart stop pumping, and the life run out of a person like water draining from a tub. Skin that was once plump and full of color slowing fades from a reddish tint to a greenish tint, then more like a yellow. Skin is weird. Have you ever just looked at yours and wonder what the heck is going on there? You are held together by lots of scientific explanations. I've recently been lucky enough to catch some AWESOME episodes of NOVA. I'm a closet nerd, don't tell anyone... they were what made watching the Big Bang Theory more exciting. I finally understand some of their nerd sarcasm about String Theory, and Parallel Universes.
But I'd like to know how life begins. To see it end is amazing, but it's full of sadness. That life is now over. I'd like to see one starting. Obviously that's done in secret. In the dark cavern of a women's womb. So here's a science lesson from me to you! Well, me and Livestrong. When I asked Google where babies come from they showed me Livestrong. Haha. So there's one for the kiddos! But anywho.
Us human beings have a crazy, hectic start! Scientifically speaking you and I began our journey as what's called a Zygote. But even to get to that point there's still a journey to take! First off, it takes a male sperm and a woman's egg meeting together for a drink. Teehee.. I'm trying to be serious, stay with me, there's just so much humor to be found! I can't help it.
Yes. We all know that women carry the egg, but did you know that weeks before pregnancy the body is already preparing for it? Creation is AMAZING when you actually put thought into it. It's almost like we are amazing too. I don't think us humans give ourselves any justice to what we really are. Who we are today was started before we even started. That lovely lady you call mom had a specific amount of eggs in her body when she was born. They became active when she started her journey of becoming a woman. Each month a new one would become available for rent. Until that magical day when dear old dad came along and helped fertilize that egg.
Ewwwww, that's so gross!! Oh, grow up will ya! It happened. Your parents were part of your creation and we all know the stork is just a myth made up by people who shy away from reality.
The truth is so much better!! You were created from things that existed before you! Just think! Your mom had an egg in her body (that she was BORN with) that one day would become you! And without your dad's DNA you wouldn't be you. It took her DNA and his DNA to become your DNA, and at the same time everyone's is specifically unique to themself. All DNA is unique to it's carrier. Isn't that amazing? I think so.
So back to the journey:
In order for a zygote to form a woman's body must release an egg prior to intercourse. As soon as sperm penetrates the egg, the cell division begins, forming the zygote. Although the zygote is nothing more than a cluster of cells, it contains vital information, including the genetic details (DNA) of a child, explains the University of Maryland Medical Center (UMM). Half of the zygote's information comes from the mother's
egg and the other half is from the father's sperm. For the next several days of it comes into existence the zygote will make its way down the fallopian tube. While traveling, the zygote cell divides rapidly until the ball of cells increases in size.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/94188-embryo-stages-during-first-month/#ixzz2BCUB0ctJ
Cool, right? From there we go from an alien type sounding name to something that sounds like a nasty disease.. a Blastocyst
"The rapid cell division the zygote undergoes turns it into a group of cells surrounded by an outer shell, called a blastocyst. The inner cells will soon become the embryo, surrounded by a protective membrane that will provide nourishment to the embryo and soon the fetus during the pregnancy. By about day five, the blastocyst reaches the woman's uterus (womb) and becomes attached to the lining on day six. This is called implantation. It can result in some mild to moderate cramping and a little spotting of blood. The lining of the womb will provide nourishment via the mother's bloodstream, explains the UMM. Between the 10th and 12th day after conception several layers of membranes (called amnion) begin developing and will later form the amniotic sac. This sac will eventually fill with fluid and surround the embryo until delivery."
http://www.livestrong.com/article/94188-embryo-stages-during-first-month/#ixzz2BCTmhos7
And finally we are the name that means the beginning or rudimentary stage of anything: Embryo.
"Cell division continues in the blastocyst. The cluster of cells is now called an embryo. New, specific cells are being formed now that serve a purpose, such as blood cells and nerve cells. Some of the baby's physical features will form and most of the organs will form now that the cells have become an embryo. Much of this organ development begins around the third week after fertilization. The embryo begins elongating taking on more human-like shape during this week. By about day 16 or 17 the brain and spinal cord areas will form. Before the first month has even ended, the heart may begin pumping fluid through the blood vessels."
http://www.livestrong.com/article/94188-embryo-stages-during-first-month/#ixzz2BCUB0ctJ
And the time range of all this? One month. Including two weeks prior to the pregnancy even takes place. It seems to me that life has no real start. On the contrary it can be compared to a lit flame lighting other flames. Life comes from life. So, I'm willing to go a step further to say life has no beginning from our perspective.
You and I are the product of the continuation of life. One flame lighting another. Sound crazy? Maybe. Maybe not. You'll just have to let that saturate a little bit, I'm feeling a need for a break.. and it's looking to be concluded...
I've seen lives end. I've seen last breaths taken. I've watched the heart stop pumping, and the life run out of a person like water draining from a tub. Skin that was once plump and full of color slowing fades from a reddish tint to a greenish tint, then more like a yellow. Skin is weird. Have you ever just looked at yours and wonder what the heck is going on there? You are held together by lots of scientific explanations. I've recently been lucky enough to catch some AWESOME episodes of NOVA. I'm a closet nerd, don't tell anyone... they were what made watching the Big Bang Theory more exciting. I finally understand some of their nerd sarcasm about String Theory, and Parallel Universes.
But I'd like to know how life begins. To see it end is amazing, but it's full of sadness. That life is now over. I'd like to see one starting. Obviously that's done in secret. In the dark cavern of a women's womb. So here's a science lesson from me to you! Well, me and Livestrong. When I asked Google where babies come from they showed me Livestrong. Haha. So there's one for the kiddos! But anywho.
Us human beings have a crazy, hectic start! Scientifically speaking you and I began our journey as what's called a Zygote. But even to get to that point there's still a journey to take! First off, it takes a male sperm and a woman's egg meeting together for a drink. Teehee.. I'm trying to be serious, stay with me, there's just so much humor to be found! I can't help it.
Yes. We all know that women carry the egg, but did you know that weeks before pregnancy the body is already preparing for it? Creation is AMAZING when you actually put thought into it. It's almost like we are amazing too. I don't think us humans give ourselves any justice to what we really are. Who we are today was started before we even started. That lovely lady you call mom had a specific amount of eggs in her body when she was born. They became active when she started her journey of becoming a woman. Each month a new one would become available for rent. Until that magical day when dear old dad came along and helped fertilize that egg.
Ewwwww, that's so gross!! Oh, grow up will ya! It happened. Your parents were part of your creation and we all know the stork is just a myth made up by people who shy away from reality.
The truth is so much better!! You were created from things that existed before you! Just think! Your mom had an egg in her body (that she was BORN with) that one day would become you! And without your dad's DNA you wouldn't be you. It took her DNA and his DNA to become your DNA, and at the same time everyone's is specifically unique to themself. All DNA is unique to it's carrier. Isn't that amazing? I think so.
So back to the journey:
In order for a zygote to form a woman's body must release an egg prior to intercourse. As soon as sperm penetrates the egg, the cell division begins, forming the zygote. Although the zygote is nothing more than a cluster of cells, it contains vital information, including the genetic details (DNA) of a child, explains the University of Maryland Medical Center (UMM). Half of the zygote's information comes from the mother's
egg and the other half is from the father's sperm. For the next several days of it comes into existence the zygote will make its way down the fallopian tube. While traveling, the zygote cell divides rapidly until the ball of cells increases in size.http://www.livestrong.com/article/94188-embryo-stages-during-first-month/#ixzz2BCUB0ctJ
Cool, right? From there we go from an alien type sounding name to something that sounds like a nasty disease.. a Blastocyst
"The rapid cell division the zygote undergoes turns it into a group of cells surrounded by an outer shell, called a blastocyst. The inner cells will soon become the embryo, surrounded by a protective membrane that will provide nourishment to the embryo and soon the fetus during the pregnancy. By about day five, the blastocyst reaches the woman's uterus (womb) and becomes attached to the lining on day six. This is called implantation. It can result in some mild to moderate cramping and a little spotting of blood. The lining of the womb will provide nourishment via the mother's bloodstream, explains the UMM. Between the 10th and 12th day after conception several layers of membranes (called amnion) begin developing and will later form the amniotic sac. This sac will eventually fill with fluid and surround the embryo until delivery."
http://www.livestrong.com/article/94188-embryo-stages-during-first-month/#ixzz2BCTmhos7
And finally we are the name that means the beginning or rudimentary stage of anything: Embryo.
"Cell division continues in the blastocyst. The cluster of cells is now called an embryo. New, specific cells are being formed now that serve a purpose, such as blood cells and nerve cells. Some of the baby's physical features will form and most of the organs will form now that the cells have become an embryo. Much of this organ development begins around the third week after fertilization. The embryo begins elongating taking on more human-like shape during this week. By about day 16 or 17 the brain and spinal cord areas will form. Before the first month has even ended, the heart may begin pumping fluid through the blood vessels."
http://www.livestrong.com/article/94188-embryo-stages-during-first-month/#ixzz2BCUB0ctJ
And the time range of all this? One month. Including two weeks prior to the pregnancy even takes place. It seems to me that life has no real start. On the contrary it can be compared to a lit flame lighting other flames. Life comes from life. So, I'm willing to go a step further to say life has no beginning from our perspective.
You and I are the product of the continuation of life. One flame lighting another. Sound crazy? Maybe. Maybe not. You'll just have to let that saturate a little bit, I'm feeling a need for a break.. and it's looking to be concluded...
Feeling so exposed...
Ever had the carpet ripped out from underneath you? Ever have something so devastating happen it knocks the wind right out of you?
You lose the sense of security you desire.
And suddenly you feel bared to the elements.
I'm talking big things here. The death of a loved one. Betrayal of a trust. A house fire, a car accident, a tornado, a hurricane, a flood, a financial loss.
There's a lot out there that can happen. It can bring you to your knees and take away your confidence. You can feel like the walls are all crumbling around you.
You feel bared; naked; exposed; uncomfortable; fearful; and worried for an uncertain end to such a mess of a devastating event.
If you are breathing, your heart is beating, and you're reading this, odds are this has happened to you. No one is exempt. This is one thing us human beings are both blessed and cursed with- life.
Life's a funny thing. We all assume we understand it. Because we are all alive, but then something happens that shoots our expectations to heck.
I stared at the television screen the other night, watching the effects of a monster storm that destroyed the Northeast. What a scary thing to watch and be a part of. I forced myself to shut off the t.v. right after the tears started. Yeah. I cried. I was scared, to say the least, and sad for all the devastation. Watching all that pain and suffering, yet still mean, sarcastic things were in my head ...at first.. you know, like God wasn't too thrilled about the Jersey Shore and this was proof, or maybe the blood-sucking, money-hungry people of Staten Island needed to be taken down a peg or two. You can rest knowing those thoughts didn't last long. Picture after picture of PEOPLE starting to get to me. REAL LIFE. Stories that you never see. They are the background, and back bone, of those places. And they were suffering. I went to bed sobbing that night. Such pain got to me. I hate seeing people in pain.
My job is taking care of those at the end of life. I've spent 7 years experiencing the end. What it looks like, and how it's dealt with by those who have to watch helplessly as their loved one experiences it. What a 7 years it has been. And I'd have to argue that it's been the best 7 years of my life.
OH Life.
I thought if I could get those stories out, then maybe their lives would not be in vain. And you know what the most common thing they needed at the end was? LOVE. They all needed it. They needed human interaction. Affection. Someone to hold their hand, or hold them, as they cried. Someone to hear their anger at the helplessness they felt. They needed someone to look at them like they were more than an occupied bed, or a medical record number. They needed someone to do things that made them feel less like a service and more like a human being. What I did for them may have cost money, but it never was the driving point. Meaning I didn't do it for the paycheck, and I thought nothing of the money I spent for them. I found ways of making them smile, because there was a need for it. I stayed when I wasn't scheduled to, I walked into rooms most people would have avoided, and witnessed plenty of last breaths. Love comes easy for me when it came to these people. No, really. Because no matter how stubborn or down-right arrogant you can be when you get to those last moments you leave all those horrible things behind, and you are no longer that prideful a-hole that everyone wanted to punch in the face. Everyone gets to that point differently, but everyone gets there. And they want that feeling of being loved.
I've spent a long time at the end. And it's growing this desire to understand the beginning. How does life begin? Yeah, I know how controversial this topic is. I'm not going to say I agree with any side. Instead I'm going to tell you what I've found on my journey in figuring it out.
I'm going to give you a chance to digest this much, and then you can regroup. Cause this is looking to be continued...
You lose the sense of security you desire.
And suddenly you feel bared to the elements.
I'm talking big things here. The death of a loved one. Betrayal of a trust. A house fire, a car accident, a tornado, a hurricane, a flood, a financial loss.
There's a lot out there that can happen. It can bring you to your knees and take away your confidence. You can feel like the walls are all crumbling around you.
You feel bared; naked; exposed; uncomfortable; fearful; and worried for an uncertain end to such a mess of a devastating event.
If you are breathing, your heart is beating, and you're reading this, odds are this has happened to you. No one is exempt. This is one thing us human beings are both blessed and cursed with- life.
Life's a funny thing. We all assume we understand it. Because we are all alive, but then something happens that shoots our expectations to heck.
I stared at the television screen the other night, watching the effects of a monster storm that destroyed the Northeast. What a scary thing to watch and be a part of. I forced myself to shut off the t.v. right after the tears started. Yeah. I cried. I was scared, to say the least, and sad for all the devastation. Watching all that pain and suffering, yet still mean, sarcastic things were in my head ...at first.. you know, like God wasn't too thrilled about the Jersey Shore and this was proof, or maybe the blood-sucking, money-hungry people of Staten Island needed to be taken down a peg or two. You can rest knowing those thoughts didn't last long. Picture after picture of PEOPLE starting to get to me. REAL LIFE. Stories that you never see. They are the background, and back bone, of those places. And they were suffering. I went to bed sobbing that night. Such pain got to me. I hate seeing people in pain.
My job is taking care of those at the end of life. I've spent 7 years experiencing the end. What it looks like, and how it's dealt with by those who have to watch helplessly as their loved one experiences it. What a 7 years it has been. And I'd have to argue that it's been the best 7 years of my life.
OH Life.
I thought if I could get those stories out, then maybe their lives would not be in vain. And you know what the most common thing they needed at the end was? LOVE. They all needed it. They needed human interaction. Affection. Someone to hold their hand, or hold them, as they cried. Someone to hear their anger at the helplessness they felt. They needed someone to look at them like they were more than an occupied bed, or a medical record number. They needed someone to do things that made them feel less like a service and more like a human being. What I did for them may have cost money, but it never was the driving point. Meaning I didn't do it for the paycheck, and I thought nothing of the money I spent for them. I found ways of making them smile, because there was a need for it. I stayed when I wasn't scheduled to, I walked into rooms most people would have avoided, and witnessed plenty of last breaths. Love comes easy for me when it came to these people. No, really. Because no matter how stubborn or down-right arrogant you can be when you get to those last moments you leave all those horrible things behind, and you are no longer that prideful a-hole that everyone wanted to punch in the face. Everyone gets to that point differently, but everyone gets there. And they want that feeling of being loved.
I've spent a long time at the end. And it's growing this desire to understand the beginning. How does life begin? Yeah, I know how controversial this topic is. I'm not going to say I agree with any side. Instead I'm going to tell you what I've found on my journey in figuring it out.
I'm going to give you a chance to digest this much, and then you can regroup. Cause this is looking to be continued...
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