My world

What is it like, to live with depression?
It is not mine, but it is in the world around me.
He is the world around me, and he is also my world.
And he is depressed.  He lives with a deep sadness that I cannot take away.
My world reflects such sunshine into my life when I think of him.
Our treasured days, I can count them all as my favorite, because he is my favorite.
His presence shines the sunshine, and he is my favorite sunshine giver.
When he is okay.
But he also brings the rain.
On days when it rains my world is grey and blue hues.
His colors are dulled, with no sign of life or light.
He walks and stands, but only hunched and slow.
Behind him there are trails of regrets.  Things unchangeable that tear at him.

My world has too many regrets.

These regrets have created a mind bully.
It constantly fights him, on the inside, telling him he is only meant for the rain.  He is only meant for those dull grey and blue hues.

It will only be days with no signs of life or light.

These are the feelings that swirl around him, like a hurricane.
They are emotions, and they wrap around my world so tightly that he struggles to breath on some days.

The days of the hurricane feelings have not come as often as they use to, but they still come.

Most days anyway.

I wish my world could chase away that bully with the anger and rage I feel when they speak to him.
I wish he could wear my love and fierce protection for his light and life, wear them on himself, as his shelter, and shield.
Then the bully would flee.  It would flee knowing full well that I am capable of ripping it to shreds.

My love is rage and power against the rain, and the dull grey and blue hues that fill my world.

And when it flees, my love transforms him.  My world changes, with new signs of light and life.
The sunshine returns to my world and he radiates all the colors that I love most about him.
He is deep auburn's of passion for life, evergreen sharp, for strength and peace, amber's and vibrant blues for endurance.

Those dull blues, now vibrant, reflect his regrets as ocean's of lessons that show more grace and mercy.

And even those grey's change.  They become soft, like a warmth found on the fur of the kittens seeking the warm and safe places, all curled up into a ball of peace.

I wish my love for my world could shine stronger than the rain.
I want it to dry up the vast floods it causes, that ruin his streets and bridges, and destroy his places of refuge.  They would not take his places of protection.

He would use my love as a weapon; one that could fight and destroy the things that keep him from resting.

My world does not rest.  He cannot sleep, even when he is tired.
My world does not feed himself, not in the way he needs to.
Sometimes, even when he needs to, he does not cry, and does not feel.  He has become numb when he feels that way.

My world may be free from his past regrets, but they still keep his mind prisoner.

His mind is held captive, but all that has ever crushed him.

Memories are 3 ton construction trucks being driven over the bridges to get him through, and the bridges collapse, their weight limit exceeded.

This leaves my world stranded with the memories, and I have to watch helplessly as the memories destroy his hope of rescue, or escape.

Memories are a paralytic.  They inject him with their poison, and his is unable to move.

He cannot speak, he cannot live.
They hold onto him, telling him that he is all the bad things that his bully says he is.
They say he's terrible, he's hated, and he is ruined.

The world is dying, they say, plagued and doomed, and they are glad.  Good riddance, it says.

This world is full of sorrow, and pain.
He is hurting.
He is the world.
He is my world.
And I want to save him.

I want to be his protector.
I want to be his super hero, like those he has so admired throughout life.
I want to use my power to save my world, from the darkness that has overcome him.

I would be the sun.
I am the sun to shine on my world, and my powers are strong.
I am what sustains my world, too.
I give heat for his warmth, and give life to his being.
I hold my world in place, my gravity strongly carrying him through, helping to keep him going, through the days and seasons of time as he works to break free and move on.

He may think he is imprisoned to his memories, he may feel paralyzed by them.

But my ever-present love that is steady and consistent will remain with him.  I am unmoved.

He is the world.  He is my world, and I am the sun.

I am the sun to shine the light that chases away the darkness that dwells within my world.
And my light is what brightens and defines his colors.

And by this I will teach him.
I will tell him to remember that the sun is shining always.
The sun never goes "down", never "goes away" or "hide's behind the clouds".

NO.

The sun is ever-present, existing  and giving the light that brings life, keeping the world from losing his balance, and
providing energy to sustain my world, in spite of the dull grey and blue hues.

Because I have chased away the rain and clouds, I will paint in his brilliant blue sky as a reminder that I am here, using many new bright hues of color, to show my world just how strong my love for him is.

I will use the rain, I will change how he sees it.
And these bright hues will be stretched over his sky, it will bow over my world, the entire expanse of his memories and dull grey and blue hues and the mental bully will PALE in comparison to the brilliant bow I will show.

And he will know it is from me, the sunshine for his days, and he will remember- he is so very loved.

And I will save my world.  Every time.

I'm not who I was

The last time I wrote was many years ago.

My life has changed very much since then, but it has also not changed at all in some aspects.

Who am I now? Changed.  I am different.  I know more, I've seen more, I've been through more.

Life hit hard, and I've spent a lot of time recovering.  I moved away from everyone and everything I had known.  I essentially hid, because facing what was out there was too much.  I was afraid for a very long time.  And the fear was paralyzing.  When fear causes you to feel as though your daily life needs are only able to be met by closing down, then the place you find yourself in isn't a very kind one.

I was in hell.  And it was a hell I had created for myself because of the fear.  What did I learn?  I learned that my fear was based on something that, although I had a share in the blame, I did not own the entire thing.  I was not responsible for everything bad that had happened.  And that very understanding only came when I was able to admit to myself that I had held on to something that I should have let go of long ago. 

I won't go into detail to protect those who need protecting, including myself.  But I can say that when I think back over the last 20 years of my life I have never allowed myself to let go of things that I needed to.  Losing is hard for me.  I am the girl who hates losing because I felt like I've never won.  Over a span of 20 years I've felt enough loss to prove this mentality.  But that doesn't mean that I haven't learned how to lose without gaining. 

How do you gain anything when you've lost everything?  Well, that all depends on how open-minded you are.  Can you see beyond the wreckage?  Can you feel past the pain?  Can you trust that it will not stay?  That "this too will pass"?

I had to learn how to, otherwise I would have been destroyed.  I would have lost myself.

I recognized that leaving behind a life without an explanation would hurt people.  And I hope that one day I will have the courage to tell the story.  But today I'm grateful that I haven't lost who I am.

Who am I?  I am changed.  I have grown.  I know more, I've seen more, I've been through more.

I'm not who I was, and will never be that person again.  I've let go of some things that I never thought I would of had to.  But when I think about it, I'm actually relieved they're gone.  Life is slowly gaining back my trust.  People will take more time, but as I continue to move forward in time, I have hope that I will once again be able to believe that people are worth the risk. 

But until then, I continue on, growing in strength, and not allowing the dark to overwhelm me.