Clearing out

I've reached a point where everything I thought was mine is not.

I've lost many things that meant a lot.

BUT, it doesn't feel hopeless. Instead I have a feeling that Spring is going to bring a lot of newness into my life.

Yes a lot has changed, but what really matters has not.  And what really matters?

I used to have this feeling like I was barely hanging on by a thread, like all I had was slipping from my grasp, and when I only focused on what I was losing I really fell into a dark place.  Today that dark place is starting to see light.  What matters most is what helped break through the darkness.  And that is God.  With all that I've seen leave my life He has been a constant.

I want to share some hope with those who have been dealing with the same struggles.  If you feel like things are changing, like what you've been holding onto is slipping away don't despair!  Don't lose hope!  Why? Well because the One who holds onto you is much stronger than a thin thread.  His grasp is infinite strength, and when you feel things are losing their grip on you that's not always a bad thing.

Change has a way of working it's way into our life.  Just as the fall comes to prepare for winter, we have seasons in our life that prepare us for the bare season.  I've just come through my own personal bare season.  Things have changed so dramatically I wondered how I was even going to survive... whether I was going to come back from such starkness.

Think of yourself as a tree.  Trees are wonderful things, but here in New England trees only grow to be lush and green because of the changing seasons.  From seeds to small plants, each stage it has a season of bareness, a season where it has no leaves and is left to weather the cold and ice of winter.  But a tree is not made strong from it's leaves, no, it gains it's strength from its roots.  And if it's roots are strong enough they are capable of growing in any climate, and any environment.

My roots are deep in the soil of Christ.  As much as I've had fall from my grasp I still stand firm and planted in His Words and Truth.  NOTHING can take me from it because His Words and Truth are eternal, without an end.  His love is eternal and unconditional, and that is my soil.  As my roots grow stronger each year, it doesn't matter that the winter comes, because I know that Spring always returns.

And let that serve as a reminder that as things are taken out of your life it is only to make room for new things.

"I've got this"

God used a pretty random place to encourage me today.  I wanted to do Yoga because I've been pretty stressed out lately.  (Can't really even begin to explain the strains and pressure that I've been under.  So I won't release the flood of details to drown you in.) So I found myself on Amazon.com looking for instructional DVD's... not before hitting good old Google to see if I can figure it out myself... I can't... so I decided to buy a DVD.  Then tricky little Amazon dangled some bait in front of my eyes about getting free shipping if I ordered only $3.82 more!! So I went hunting for a phone case... nothing really caught my eye, then I remembered a book I read while in Kenya, but couldn't remember the name of it.  Haven't really read a book in a while that I liked, so I decided to go to my trusty favorite Author... Max Lucado.  I put in his name and the first thing that popped up was the book;

"You'll get through this: Hope and help for your turbulent times."

Now maybe it was a coincidence and had nothing to do with anything.  Believe what you want, but at that moment the words coming from my screen made a whole lot of sense and brought me to tears.

Goodness is my heart heavy lately.

I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I'm more sensitive than ever.  Why?  Because I've been shaken.  Life has burnt me, broken me, tormented me... and won't let up.  The minute the dust clears from one attack I barely have time to take cover for another.

I feel like I'm fighting a war.

My biggest battle has been going on for a few months now, and I was doing my best to keep from surrendering to the things that are trying to take me down, but I was barely hanging on.

Or so I thought.

One thing God has been trying to get through to me lately is that His grip on my life is not circumstantial. His hands are not wimpy, and His words are not fleeting.

My life may seem to be in the midst of a storm, but I can't help still trusting Him.  And I believe Him when He says that "He's got this".

And that's what He keeps telling me.

"Dry your tears.  I've got this."

But that makes me cry more.  Because I can't help it.

When I thought of my future I had dreams.  I wanted so much.  But then life happened and I had to put it on hold.  All the expectations that go along with choosing to raise my son had pushed my plans further to the future.

Ok, I said.  I'll wait.  I'll just raise my son.  And then I started planning his future.  I never expected that I'd have to deal with life changing those plans!  But it has.  Alas I'm having to deal with other things.  Instead of buying baseball gloves and shoes for practice or worrying about sport schedules I have other kinds of scheduling struggles.  Struggles that I'm not proud of and that I want to go away.  But they won't.  Ever.

So then God comes back in... "Stop worrying, I have a plan, I've got this"

And I hear God, but I'm still crying, because I can't help it. I've got too much on my mind.

Then I remember other things.  Things like, how many times did I say I'd be patient and wait?  How many times did I say I would be strong and hold to my convictions?  And then the waiting started.  And it's still going on.  Years later.  I'm going to believe, I said.  No matter what.  And the "what"?  Is the waiting.  No matter the "waiting".  Friend after friend getting married, having babies... and I wait.  Because that's not what my life is about right now, and I'm okay with that... sometimes...  but then sometimes I'm not...

And I hear God again... "Keep waiting Jocelynn, it's all part of the plan, I've got this."

So I take a deep breath, but I'm still crying, because I'm tired.  And sad.  And overwhelmed.  I want it to end.  I want the "missiles of life" to stop dropping on me.  I want the waiting to end, and I want the sadness to go away.

What's my lesson today?  Though the heart is heavy, it still beats.  Though the tears are many, there are still reasons to smile.  And though things seem darkest than ever... it's always darkest before the dawn.  The sun will rise. Winter will end, and this season has a purpose for good.

No matter the struggles, strength doesn't come when you give up, it comes when you keep going.  And even if the answer is not what you expected that shouldn't make you stop trying.  There are no cookie-cutter lives.
We all have our bumps and bruises, some are just more visible than others.

And remember what God said.  "I've got this."