An unexpected apology.

The last post I made stirred up some stuff. I'm sure I ruffled some feathers, and I know it struck some nerves. But one thing remains; I was being honest about some hurt that I had been dealing with.

I didn't mean to cause offense.  It wasn't meant to be hurtful to others. But it did.

A few days ago God reminded me of something I needed reminding of.. His mercies are new every morning.

I had a squabble with a co-worker the day before. It wasn't anything horrible, it was just an uncomfortable issue that made me feel disrespected and maybe a little like my presence was worthless. Or maybe that I wasn't good at my job. Which was stupid really, it was the result of stress and anxiety built up over a rough night and I shouldn't have taken it personally, but I did.  I had a bad feeling in my stomach afterward and I just felt so upset by it. I went home not feeling much better. The next morning as I was driving to work I was talking to God about it. I found myself thinking about a poem written on the walls of Mother Theresa's home for children in Calcutta, India.

 People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway. 
  If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.
  If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.
  If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.
  What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.
  If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.
  The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.
  Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway. 

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.   

It was never between you and them anyway.

It's true you know.  And the more I thought about it the more I realized I didn't want what happened to effect the kind of person I am trying to be. I have worked hard to be honest and truthful, but I've also worked hard to be a person of integrity. I knew even if I was the one wronged I needed to apologize for reacting the way that I did. I can't control other people, but I can control myself. So when I got to work I walked I over to where this person was and was following through on my intention to apologize... But something unexpected happened. She apologized to me. I was caught off guard, definitely, because I had already made up in my mind that I may not be well received. 

What hit me most was that this apology did more than fix the issue with this person.. It made me realize that I don't know what's going on with other people and I shouldn't automatically assume everyone is my enemy or that they aren't going to do the right thing.

I was wrong about judging her.  I admit it.  What this does for my other issue is help me see from another perspective.  I've done a lot of reflecting these last few weeks.. months even.. and I'm seeing something in myself that I'm not proud of through all of this.  What is that?  I expect other people to be untrustworthy.  I expect them to fail me, and to not be reliable.

Over the years I've had to face a life of being responsible for everything.  I couldn't rely on others.  Some people call that independence and that it's a good thing.  And I don't completely disagree, but I do think that at some point we all need to realize that we can't go at life believing that we can't rely on others.

It's called "Inter-dependence".  Bleh.  What a mouthful.  Especially for a stubborn, introvert like me.  What does inter-dependence mean?

in·ter·de·pend·ent  [in-ter-di-pen-duhnt]    
(adjective is a describing word.. )  
Mutually dependent; depending on each other. Taken from Dictionary.com

I like how this word is defined.  "Mutually dependent" Meaning it's not one person's actions, it's the actions of everyone involved. Those depending on each other all working together.  Like an ant farm.

I believe that's why that apology was so successful.  I wasn't the only one willing to admit my faults.

In a perfect world this interdependence thing would rule.  We would all recognize the power in numbers.  I recognized it early on in my life, but was always disappointed.  Mostly by the people who wouldn't really be reliable anyway.  But when I found myself in a church full of people that I could rely on the damage had already been done.  I wasn't open to letting them into my life.

So I spent years trying to overcome my issue of not trusting others, and then everything started to change in our church, as time tends to do, and just didn't know it at the time, but it was affecting me in a negative way.  I realized last night another very unattractive quality that had somehow found its way into my heart around that time... I expected these people to fix me.  I felt broken and that this church was going to fix me.

NOW LISTEN CLOSELY.  I am NOT saying this is a bad church. Everyone has their faults, but I am by no means saying that they are not a good place to go.  This is just MY experience with MY faults, and MY issues that added together created this monster inside of ME.  I know for a fact that this place has been a great help to a lot of people.  So DO NOT write the church off by what I say.  You should never ever judge something by someone else's experience without really looking into it for yourself.  OK?? OK.

So anyway, I expected this church and the people to fix me, but what I realized is that it's not up to them to fix me.  It's up to Jesus.  HE is the Healer, not them.  HE is the Savior, NOT THEM.  So I put all this pressure on these people that they didn't know about, but I'm sure they felt it, and when things didn't go as I had wanted (which is just what would happen when you put your faith in people and not God) I was so very confused and broken and hurt.  And I thought they were the ones who had broke me.

That's what that last post pretty much was about.  I was pointing the finger at them.  And now I know just how wrong I was.  I'm sorry that I had put that on them.  In all honesty I hadn't realized at that moment why I was feeling that way.  And now that I understand my pain a bit more I am able to clearly go forward with the healing.

And I can't wait for these feelings to finally be gone.

7 years later...

It's been 7 years since I started my journey of getting to know God, or since I began "Dating God" and I am in a very interesting place.

And what do I have to show for those 7 years?

Nearly everything I had when it started is different or gone. 

Nearly everyone that once surrounded me and encouraged me at that point have moved on and are not a part of my life any longer.

I pass by the mirror sometimes and wonder who it is that I am seeing.

What happened? Has 7 years really done this to me?

I'm not in a ditch, homeless or hungry.. But I feel like I am.

What is it that has brought me to this point 7 years later?  The life that I am leading is not what I expected when I made that fateful choice to date God those 7 years ago.  I was under the impression that a man was waiting for me at the end of the wait, what I found was a deeper relationship with God instead.  And for 7 years it hasn't changed.  One thing after another has come my way, with some of the hardest struggles I've ever had to face (some coming most recently) being my constant companion.

Was it short-sighted of me to think that way? Was I being small-minded?  I didn't see anyone else around me living that way after all.  The others didn't follow suit.  They all got married and had babies.  I can't be angry at them.. that's what's expected in life.  A church built of families that grow together. It's a beautiful thing.

But I wasn't one of them.

Still.  

I wasn't finding a husband, or trying to.  No one could identify with me, and I had no one that made me feel any better about my life lack (or whatever you would call it).  I was disappointed by my peers, those who found more interest in building a family than getting to know God in the way I had. Maybe I was being ignorant. I definitely didn't think I was better than any of them, if anything I was jealous. And I couldn't help becoming angry about it because it made me feel even more alone. I lost it a little. I convinced myself that I had no desire to be like them.  I saw them as sheep, and not the good kind.  No, more the kind that are too afraid to step out of their comfort zone and go talk to the Shepherd.  They felt more comfortable talking to each other. (Now that DOES sound like I thought I was better than them... Doesn't it? Well, don't lose your head about it, I knew I wasn't any better.)

Enter the "poor me" syndrome i suffer from constantly, it seems, and you'd find that I was pretty bitter; and I've realized I even got a little mean... Ok maybe a lot mean. I made fun of them in my head, OK??!?!? Yes, I know I'm a jerk, you don't have to tell me.

Maybe I'm being tested.  Maybe things are like this because God wants to see what I'll do next... not like He wouldn't already know.  But I know one thing for sure... I have no idea what is going on.

As for those "sheep"? I'm sure they are happy.  Things are going very well for them.  And I'm happy about that for them.  But as hard as I've tried, joining them just isn't in the cards for me.

March 5 starts another Lent season.  Ash Wednesday.  And for Lent this year will I be doing anything? Sure, Dating God.  That's all I've ever known to do.  But this year I'm not doing it to find a husband.  This year I'm doing it because I can't imagine a life without God.  Maybe I'm not ever going to get married.  I honestly have no desire to date, so I just don't see how that could change.  No I'm not going to try online dating, and no I don't want to meet someone at a bar or on a blind date.

Doomed to live alone forever.  Forever single...  Atleast I have a cat.