The Ugly Truth

I went into this day thinking positively, after all, it is Easter.

I was going to church in my new pretty dress, then I was going to go have dinner with my family.

The day was going to be filled with good things.

It was filled with good things, but good things are not always fun.

Church was good, I loved the message.  I left ready to go have dinner with my family.  As I drove to my parents house I had the s.. l..o..w..e..s..t car in front of me.  I got to my parents and found no one was really there, except family that I don't really talk to.  I sat in my car and called my sisters to see where they were, silently praying someone would pick up and save me.

No one did.

I felt silence from all around me.  Almost like I had eyes from heaven waiting to see what I would do with this situation.  But like a creature of habit I did what felt comfortable, I stayed in my bubble.  I went inside, but did not speak to anyone.  Not because of bad feelings, I just didn't feel comfortable.

One of my sisters eventually came and sat with me.  We chatted a bit, then the family members I didn't feel comfortable with had to leave.

It's a custom in our family to say our goodbyes.  My issue with being uncomfortable wasn't going to make a great case to my parents, but then the situation became awkward, and by the time it was over all that was left behind was tension, anger, and hurt feelings.

I'd like to say I did the Christian thing, but unfortunately I did not.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear when things that test my obedience to God's word arise.  I would like to be "Neutral" and be exempt from ever having to deal with the hairy stuff.

As the events of earlier today unfolded I almost felt like I was not really there, I was watching it from somewhere else.  I watched myself sit there and not react in the appropriate way.  I knew it was not nice, and yet I didn't change my actions.

Here I now sit asking myself; Why?  What really happened today? It's a bit of a blur now, and I almost have no idea what happened.  But it begs the question, am I really sure God would be okay with my choice of action?  After all, I know they know I'm a Christian, and I know that's the first thing people usually say when I screw up... Aren't you a Christian?  Almost like I'm some perfect robot who doesn't make mistakes.

The Ugly Truth?  I'm not perfect.  I screw up... STILL. All the time.  I say the wrong thing, and do the wrong thing, and struggle with who I am constantly.

It's a lot of pressure.  Doing the right thing.  And it's not easy.  It takes courage to step out of your comfort zone and do that thing that makes you uncomfortable.

I guess that would make me a coward.

I do feel like one right now.  What was it Paul says? ...


"For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate." 
Romans 7:15 NASB


I just don't get it.  Why is it so hard to learn what's right to do, and then PRACTICE IT?

Reality?  Practicing what you preach is not easy.  It means swallowing your pride, humbling yourself, and to be willing to "turn the other cheek" when what you really want to do when someone hurts you is to hurt them back.

I saw two things when I was processing the troubles from earlier today.

1.. was that I carry baggage that keeps my hands busy when it comes to this particular situation and all the people involved.  The baggage is full of heavy thoughts of previous hurts from the past that magically appear every time I'm around them.  If you look in the bags all you're gonna see is years gone by, and words exchanged that have lingered and poisoned my heart in such a way that it effects the relationships.
How do you put that stuff down?  When it's been YEARS?  I guess logically, God wants me to give those bags to Him.  But that would mean I'd have nothing holding me back, and I'd have to change... whoa.. that's not an easy thought...

And that brings me to 2.. God is way beyond imaginable with His mercy, grace, love, compassion and all the good things He is and does.
I only have to deal with the surrounding relationships in my life, but God? He is connected to EVERYONE... AT ALL TIMES... IN ALL WAYS.
He knows the intricate and intimate details of everyone's heart and mind, He knows our motives, He knows our pasts.. He knows we are a broken people.. and yet He never tires of us.  He's always there with His mercy as soon as we need it.. always there to forgive as soon as we ask.. always there to comfort us when we needed comforting.. and not only is He there, but He knows exactly how to deliver each one of those things, individually, according to the need of every heart and mind, in a way that is good for our lives.

I have a long way to go in my journey to become more like Jesus.  I can't even keep my own personal life straight.  I'm constantly having to correct myself, and work on my behavior. Am I always going to make such dumb mistakes??

I wish I did the right thing today.  Now the day is over, and I'll have to go to bed knowing my mistake and the hurt it caused.

I did ask forgiveness.  And God reminds me that although I felt His conviction on my heart, I should not condemn myself.  No, conviction is to make me aware of what I've done wrong.  But I'm not condemned.  And that was why Jesus died on the cross so long ago. He died to "take away the sins of the world".  I just have to admit my crime, yet He's already paid the price.

Amazing, right?  Yeah.  I almost feel like I should suffer, but Jesus already did the suffering... crazy.. it almost doesn't seem right.  Shouldn't I suffer for my sins?  Shouldn't I pay?

It seems planned that this would fall on this day.

The Truth is not always pretty.  I felt pretty ugly as the truth of where my heart really is was revealed.

I'm still a work in progress.  The story of my life.  I'm not perfect.  I'm still going to mess up,

BUT....

"For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning" Psalm 30:5 ESV

Just like Jesus rose from the grave, I too must rise and carry on.  I'm willing to bet I'm headed into some stormy seas with the events of this day... but I do recall a story of Jesus calming a sea or two.. maybe I don't have to go into it alone... ;)

New shoe pains effect my heart...

Today has been an interesting day.  Ever have one of those moments in life when you realize you are changing? I have those a lot lately.  And I've been quite transparent about it.  On purpose.  I want people to see my changes because I know God is using me as an example.. to show that life is a constant classroom.  

We never stop learning.

And Me? I'm glad.  I get to learn about lots of subjects, including myself. And boy, I've been a subject to be reckoned with lately.  In fact, I barely recognize my reflection anymore.  To say "I'm not who I was" (right, Brandon? ;) would be an understatement. I'm definitely not.
But on to my newest endeavor...

So, guess who bought new shoes? This girl! They're for work.  I am an aide, and I'm on my feet all day.  I used to have a brand called "Dansko" shoes.  Those are the best shoes I've ever owned.  After a day of work I could say honestly I didn't have any back pain at all.  Which was awesome. The shoes were actually given to me by a co-worker who didn't wear them anymore.  At first I didn't wear them because I was skeptical.. they were easy enough to put on, but I wasn't really sure I'd ever wear them.  So I kept them, but left them with the rest of the cast away shoes that I didn't wear.
Eventually I decided I should give them a try, and I don't exactly remember that day, but I know that I never wore anything else after that to work.  It was my only choice.  Funny isn't it?  I had an attitude of skepticism, and I had no other reason for it except I was too proud.  Those shoes belonged to somebody else, who gave them away like I was a "charity case".  How could I wear shoes that had already been worn?? That's embarrassing! But the difference I felt wearing those shoes was undeniable.  I was able to make it through the day without feeling back or leg pain.  Seriously, it was awesome. 
I've mentioned it before, I have this issue with my ankles.. they're weak, it causes flat feet and pain in my knees, hips and lower back.  When I wore my sneakers throughout the day to work I dealt with the pain.  I didn't really see how I could do anything about it anyway.  I could buy shoe inserts, but that cost money that I didn't have, so I knew since I could live without it, I'd find a way to survive.  But when I started wearing those Danskos everything changed.  Not a ton at first, but I noticed something after a while that I didn't really notice until I realized the lack of it.. what am I talking about? Pain.  I had gone through weeks of wearing those shoes and I wasn't suffering from the pain I had gotten used to. It was AMAZING. No, wait... it was AWESOME!  I couldn't believe the difference!  So I stuck with them.  For years those shoes were the only thing I could ever wear without having any pain.  It was only in the winter when I would not wear them, and only when the snow was horrible.. that's when I'd wear my snow-boots, but any other day you'd find me wearing my trusty Danskos.
It was a few months back that I noticed the tear in the top of the shoe.. boy was I bummed out!  I had no idea how much it would cost to get a new pair.. but I didn't want to! I wanted to keep these!! So, in my desperation I came up with a solution.. I'd use duct tape to fix them.  Yes, I'm serious! Here's proof...

Yep.  That was my first official fix to my problem.  Lovely, aren't they?  ;)

But another problem began to surface, and not go away... the tape was only temporary.  The fix worked fine for a little while, but soon the tape started to peel and roll.. plus, I had spray-painted the bottoms black to fix  the nasty-ness that they were looking like.  It seemed like a good idea at the time. I was making them my own, and people loved them!  Then when they were in need of fixing I decided I was going to take my creativity to another level.. this would be a monthly change.  Every month I would change the duct tape.. yeah.. duct tape is that awesome, they have so many different options!! Wanna see some??

Christmas and Halloween were pretty interesting... and boy did my patients get a kick out of my awesome idea!
Now come on, admit it, it's awesome.




So I made lemonade from lemons... so to speak... and it was fun!  Every month since August of 2012 I'd change the tape.  That's six months of changes.  And I made those shoes last!  Then in January of this year I noticed something else.. the bottom of the soles were being worn out on the edges in a bad way.. that's not all I noticed.. my pain was returning.  And I was getting tired of keeping up with appearances.  Changing them every month took time and effort, and as fun as it was I was finding that the desire to change them was not really there anymore.  All I wanted was to be able to get through the day without pain, the design part was an added bonus, but it was proving to be more of a hassle.  So I had to stop wearing them.Yep, it was a sad day.  I went back to wearing sneakers, and feeling that awful pain in my feet, knees, hips and lower back. UGH.
It's always a bad experience when you finally find something that makes life better and then have to go back to the way it was simply because it didn't work out.

But wait.. that's not really true is it?  This isn't even the end of the story.  Actually, a couple weeks ago I was thinking about how much I missed my shoes.  I looked at the soles of my sneakers and saw how worn they had become.. they were old, and not made to be worn like that.  They were actually running shoes (never used them that way) and they were nearing their end.

"God, I need new shoes."  I remember thinking.  I missed my old shoes so much, I missed not having back pain, or any other pain. I went to work like normal last week.  And as I walked into the building I was scheduled for I noticed there was a woman selling nursing clothing in the Physical Therapy room.. I wondered... would she have shoes?  I stopped in really quickly and my heart nearly stopped, she had the shoes I so desperately needed!  The stars had aligned in a way that I was in a position financially that I could buy my very own pair!  I was more than excited, as you can imagine, because these would be mine.  I would put on all the miles they were about to receive.. they would mold to only my foot.. I wouldn't have to worry about anyone else's footprint to change.. I was going to make my own. It felt so good to finally get those shoes on my feet! As soon as I bought them (on my break) I took off my sneakers and put them on!
And I lived happily ever after, right? Hmmm.. not so quick.  I actually found myself in a strange predicament, and with a brand new lesson to apply to my life.  Crazy, right? How can I possibly find a lesson from shoes?

You'd be surprised what I learn my lessons from ;) I take my lessons from anywhere God sends them from.  This particular lesson came in the form of new shoes.

As each day wore on I noticed a side effect of new shoes that I didn't really think I'd have to deal with, or maybe I took for granted... they needed to be worn in.  The very fact that I'd need to mold these shoes myself was providing me with a new kind of pain; I had to wear them in.  They had never been worn before, so the leather was new and not stretched, and neither had the instep been worn in.  Just yesterday as I was looking at my bare feet I noticed they were red and sore.  The soles of my feet screamed at me, and the sides of my feet pounded.  All signs that I had to work to get these shoes to the place that I needed them to be.  I have to be strong though.  Because guess what else I took note of?  I have no lower back pain or knee pain or ankle pain at the end of the day.  Sure, my feet hurt, but I know what's awaiting me if I'm just patient!

Oh, these shoes of mine.  It's funny how my throbbing feet make me think of Jesus, and how this shoe issue is eerily similar to a spiritual issue I'm working through.  How's that? Well, I can only really explain using a picture God brings back to my mind.

When I was younger my parents would take us up to my Aunt and Uncle's horse farm in Vermont.  I can remember one specific drive so clearly.. I even have proof of the drive because that was the first memory I have of journaling.  It's a comforting memory.  I sat back and watched the scenery change from rural to city to mountains.. everything whirring by, so I just watched the skyline.  One thing that stands out, the reason for the picture, is that I never drove to Vermont, I always relied on my parents because I was too young to drive.  I sat in the back and watched the scenery, I had no real responsibilities other than to be quiet and not argue with my sisters on the 3 hour drive up there.  I'm sure at the time that was fine by me, but now I look back and don't want that anymore for myself.  I don't want to sit back and watch the scenery whir by, I want  to know what happens in the front seat.  I want to see the streets being taken, and the routes we follow.  I want to know the names of the towns we pass through, and I want to see what's coming as we drive along.

That's what I think of when I think of those new shoes of mine.  My opportunity to be in the front seat.  I'm getting the chance to see just why those shoes became so comfortable, I get to see what it takes, and I'm the one doing what it takes.

The reason it effects my heart is because I find myself in a new place, I want to serve more.  I want to do the work, I don't want it done for me, and that's a new spiritual maturity.  Sure I've seen the need for it in my life, this isn't news to me.. but I can honestly say this is a turning point.
I've spent years being trapped between two people.. the person I used to be and the person I'm becoming.  Some days I find myself, metaphorically speaking, "stuck in the middle" and watch as the two fight the war that's been raging inside of me for a long time.  On one side I see the innocent young girl who holds her Father's hand as she begins her journey through the mess of her life... on the other side I see a warrior, a battle-worn woman who is willing to fight her hardest to keep going up the mountain she's decided to climb.  That girl in the middle will sit and watch the other two (metaphorically) and wonder just what it is that warrior uses to keep going. And long for the days when it was simpler, when she was the little girl and all her Father asked of her was to trust Him.  Trusting Him meant to walk with Him, and those walks were filled with His love, His daily reminders of His desires for her, and His comforting hand as she started to believe the things He spoke into her life.
The warrior knows that she's not there anymore.  Life has become a battlefield.  She has many war wounds, and feels the pain of the battles.  Battles she has won.

It's a strange place I'm in lately.  I spend more time in my thoughts than ever.  I've seen so much, yet I almost think this is only the tip of the iceberg.

I'll live to fight another day, God willing, and as long as I'm breathing I'll have to battle.  Giving in is easy, just like deciding to just wear my old shoes would be easier.. those are already worn in after all.. but I can't help feeling like wearing in those shoes is a triumph.  It'll be a landmark, and I'll be able to look at them with a heart of encouragement knowing I powered through.

One can only think that their Father in heaven is behind all this, after all, He did say "All things work together for the good of those who love God and are the called according to His purpose"  AND "For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans not to harm you.  Plans for good, to give you a hope and a future."
The bible is His book of promises.  Words written to mankind to prove His love for them.  And I can't question the methods He chooses for me.  I choose to accept whatever lessons He gives, in whatever form it comes, because
                  I never want to stop learning.