I see these videos floating around about being second, and lately I'm wondering if that is the case in my life? Am I second? Do I put Christ first?
The answer is no. I haven't been. The reason is because letting go is easier said than done. Yes life is difficult and the help God brings is absolutely wanted, but stepping out of the way? That's not my specialty. My specialty is standing over God and telling Him He's missed a spot... as though He didn't already know.
Imagine I were in a race with God. This imaginary race would only have two runners, me and God. And I really need to be second, but I seriously want to be first! That's my problem. It's not my family or my friends or even my enemies. It's not the world around me or the place that pays me, it's me. ME, ME, ME.
I get in my own way. I don't let God go first because I want what coming in first gives... the glory. I want attention and gratitude. I want people to show me affection and be thankful for me. Grateful for me, PROUD to know me.
Yikes. That's horrible. I am awful sometimes, there's no denying that. And pinpointing all my misgivings is really very easy for me. I could tell you many, many things right now that I have wrong with me.
But I won't. Instead I'll tell you something else, I need to start getting this one right. For a few months now I've been desperately seeking approval by anyone and everyone who would show it to me because I've lost something that I never really had anyway... respect for myself. I'm not proud of myself, and I see no reason to be. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes and it took my sister's words last night to kind of shake me out of my own pity party... I'm not too far gone. I still have a lot to give, I just need to get this one thing right.
How can I be second? By believing God when He says to let Him go first. Life is one big dark hallway for me right now, and seriously, I need to put Him first. I need to give the Light of the World a chance to get me through this dark hallway. Why haven't I been in the first place? Why am I crazy enough to not let Him light up my path?? Because I don't trust Him enough. I've let go of my faith in Him. I've started seeking approval and all those things elsewhere... like in my Facebook friends (no offense guys) or in Church connections (again, no offense) or in family (seriously, I'm not trying to be rude). So really what I'm doing is putting people first, then me second then God's coming up behind me... imagine what that looks like for a minute... a large crowd of people... I can see their faces now, running this race with me, that was only meant for two, wow, now I can see why I feel so low lately, I'm really not second, I'm last, and God standing there with me saying, "why in the world do you want to live like this?"
I don't want to live like that. In fact, this is probably the worst I've ever felt. I spend my days worrying about how everyone else thinks of me, wondering why they don't talk to me, or worrying about whether talking to someone might make someone else upset.
My head is a blur, and my heart is a disaster. I HATE living like this. And I want out.
So really, how can I be second if I'm putting everyone else first? Well, I'm going to have to do the thing that has been nagging at my heart for a while now... I have to put God first. For real. I have to do what pleases Him, not me. I have to stop and think before I do something... anything... is this putting God first? And even simple things like watching a TV show or playing a game, making dinner, getting ready to leave, shoveling snow, changing my car oil... all those daily life routine things can get in the way of putting God first. How? By not paying attention, or giving glory, to Him. My life revolves around me right now, or more accurately it revolves around how others feel about me. So in all things that I do, I find myself worrying whether others will like me because of it, or if it will cause them to not like me.
WHY DO I EVEN STINKIN CARE???
Yep. I'm stuck in a dead end cycle. So now I'm going to do my best to end the cycle. I'm going back to my old ways of thinking... with God as my boss, and His opinion as the only one that matters. Today marks the beginning of something that's going to be difficult, but it'll be worth it.
