It's been a while since I sat down and wrote about the lessons I've been learning. Mostly because I wasn't finished with the one I'm currently figuring out.
You see, I'm one of those people, I guess, that learns by experience. It's just the way it's been working out, as frustrating as it tends to be.
Over the last few months one thing has been nagging me; I am so lonely. I hate that. Ya know? I figured I'd be fine to just live out my life working with the few things I'm responsible for and eventually things would change over time. But this Spring something strange happened.. God told me things were going to change in the Fall. He even had me in this place where I just couldn't do my job until I told my boss that I may be leaving in October.. I thought it was INSANE. I continuously denied God and said nothing. But God wasn't letting up either, and as stubborn as I was, I just couldn't stand how crazy the thought was making me. So, I told my boss (in tears, might I add, because I LOVE my job) that I felt that I would probably be leaving in October to pursue other things. She said she saw it coming, she knew something was going on with me because apparently I'm an open book.. ok, what the crap! But anyway, after our meeting I did nothing to pursue another job. Things with EGMI (Eastern Gate Ministries, international) were heating up.. after coming back from Africa there was this crazy pull to become more of a part of the ministry, so I nagged the President until he gave me an official position, one that I've loved every minute of! Through doing both EGMI stuff and working at Beacon Hospice as a traveling aide I started to realize my flaws, I hated that I had no time, and what little time I did have I spent sleeping or doing nothing because I was exhausted.
I knew this wasn't going to be able to continue. I couldn't live like this, one of these jobs would have to go... but how do you quit doing something you love?? I LOVED both of what I was doing. I was PASSIONATE about both. I couldn't imagine leaving either. So I did nothing. I left it up to God. If He wanted me somewhere else, He was going to make it known to me.
The summer was not a long one for me. But there was a lot of changes that were looming over me. I decided to try and buy a house (NOT easy) and when that fell through I just kind of was stagnant mentally. I did my part for what I was responsible for, but in my personal life I felt like a failure. I live with my son, alone, in an apartment that I can barely afford. And I was trying to buy a house?? Am I crazy?? I hate living alone. I grew up with 6 siblings and the house was constantly buzzing, yes I wanted my space to be alone, but I've definitely grown to the point where I'm over that.
That brings me to my point. The THREE LESSONS I'VE LEARNED.
In life there are many things we learn. But for me I've had three distinct things that have made an impression on me.
Number 1: Dependence... on God. My time I spent dating God was crucial for me. I was able to learn some deep, foundational rules that have changed how I view the world. I knew my need to depend on God for guidance, strength, love, and so much more was necessary to help me to the next lesson...
Number 2: Independence... from others. I needed to learn to walk on my own two feet. I needed to know I could maintain a job on my own. I needed to see that I was capable of succeeding... to get a job and keep it. (And I did! I just celebrated my 8th year!) To live on my own, and maintain a budget. (I sort of did that) and to help my son grow up (that's still ongoing).
That leads me to Number 3: Interdependence. Oye, that word. It gets me a little annoyed. Mostly because I liked being independent. I liked living on my own and doing my own thing, until now. Now as I go through my day of working in facilities that aren't my own and visiting homes of families that aren't mine I've come to realize that I want to belong somewhere.
My dad's gonna be so thrilled. He's been on my case about this lately. Trying to break me down to see that I need my family. But I stood my independent ground, the one I built on my own, and said that wasn't true. I had my church, and I had my job, and I had my ministry work... those things keep me busy! I don't need to worry about anything else.. besides, Ethan's my family, and eventually I plan to get married! So I don't need to think about them. I can just turn my back and pretend they don't exist, or aren't necessary in my life because, hey, they don't share my beliefs.. voila! Right there is an excuse to put a big giant wall between us! Me and my self-righteousness can be happy on our less chaotic side... only that hasn't been sitting well, and Jesus has been right there this whole time trying explain to me why I'm so very wrong. Whatever Jesus, you don't know everything!! Ok, you do. UGGGGH.
So today was a milestone in my lesson of interdependence; I recognized the need. I realize now I need people in my life, and the ones who are always there for me, even though I ignore them and treat them like doody, are the ones I'm now seeing in a different light.
I walked away from my family four years ago. I decided to try this, "On my own" thing. I needed to know I could do it, and I needed space. But now, the reasons I left don't seem as terrible as I thought. Or maybe I'm different now, and they won't affect me like they used to... Not really that sure. But I do know one thing, I don't want to be alone anymore.
Another thing? A job. That's what put this all into motion. I have a chance at a position, starting in October, that will change a lot of stuff in my life now as I know it. But I know its the right move for me, because I can hear God in the details. No I can't SEE Him in the details, I HEAR Him. Meaning there are things about this job that I can hear Him speaking to me through... changes that I've been seeking, answers to prayers that I've been holding fast to for a while now.
So October should be an interesting month for me. It'll be transitional, that's for sure... but you know what? I LOVE CHANGE, that makes my life better. I'm going to trust God is with me, "Lo, even until the end of the earth".. I'm going to believe this is just another page in the story He's writing for my life, and I'm going to be faithful and follow Him.
Here's to new things!
