I can't even believe the things that have been going through my mind these last few months.
To say I'm overwhelmed would be putting it lightly.
I found myself up thinking about all the things that have had an impact on me. And I came to this conclusion: I am two-faced.
I have two sides to me. On one side there's the part I was born into. I was born into a certain family with certain family things. Everyone has this side. Everyone has a mother and a father. Unless you were completely created out of thin air, you have a mother and a father. Not my point, but just saying. Anyway. That side of me was content. I didn't know any better than what I had in front of me. I had the normal things any normal girl would have. I lived an average life.
But slowly I started figuring out that life was much deeper than I thought, and that has messed me up.
That's when my other side started showing up. A side that couldn't help but wonder, where did all this come from? Why do trees grow? Why are there clouds? The why's were so strong, and I decided to go after answers.
Years and years of digging, and I'm still not done. All I'm sure of now is that I am at war with myself. I feel those two sides colliding and fighting each other all the time. The side that wants to just be. Do what I want and go where I want with no consequences. I tell myself I am an adult. Why worry? But that pesky other side is there with reasons. I feel a desire to be good and moral. I want to have integrity and be trustworthy. There's this whole side of me that wants to break away from that other side because it brings me back to a place that made me miserable.
So I fight. Inside of me is a warzone. And I've had many casualties in the form of scars on my heart and mind. I've pushed away friends and family because of this. Sometimes I think I'm crazy, but then I see others who deal with the same thing and wonder... if I'm not the only one why does no one talk about it?
It seems to me that if there is a metaphorical two lives inside of me, well I'm gonna have to feed one and not the other because I can't live with them both. But that has obvious consequences that scare me.
If I feed the old me then I'm at risk of going back to my misery. I was not happy as that girl. She was lonely, sad, and depressed. She felt empty all the time, and couldn't help herself.
But the old me is my only connection to those I know I will lose if I choose to leave her behind. Knowing I will lose them is too horrible to completely let her go.
If I feed the new me I will grow stronger and wiser. I know I will be happier, and I always feel loved, strengthened and cared for. I know I am not alone, and I haven't felt that depression come back.
But the new me is separated from those that have not followed me to this new life. They do not know this new me, and have shown no interest in getting to know her beyond supporting my choice to change.
Living with two faces is going to rip me in half, unless I choose. It's a constant battle. Every day. Some days are harder than others, but my hope is that eventually it will get easier. Until then there's going to be a girl who is in the battle of a lifetime. I know which side of me should win, but that doesn't make it any easier.
